wildgeese Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 I've always been a shy, pleasing, passive individual. Needless to say, I've been a pretty good doormat for the past 23 years. I'm trying to become more comfortable in being assertive, because when I do stick up for myself in a situation or even disagree about something, I start to get worked up and feel awful. I'm not aiming to be mean or aggressive here...just more confident to disagree or even be the "bad guy" every once in a while without being racked with guilt. For example: I currently live in a housing situation I hate. I live with two male friends, ages 23 and 24, and our lifestyles are not meshing well anymore. They are both party guys, they are both extroverted and love having people over. Neither work full-time or in particularly demanding fields. On the other hand, I work full-time and also have a full course load. Some of my work shifts begin at 6am and most begin before 9am. I'm constantly tired and have had to deal with parties going on in the house while I shut myself in my room with headphones. (If you're wondering why I even decided to move in in the first place - it's because I was living here previously with my boyfriend and then he moved to a different city. I needed roommates to split rent and they really are two of my closest friends, plus when all of the arrangements began I was only working part-time and had a lifestyle much like theirs. Things have obviously changed and I will only be living here for 6.5 more weeks, thank god.) I have to be awake at 5am tomorrow and was just settling into bed, when I heard a large, loud group of people come in the door and immediately start shouting and turning on music. I was furious, because the roommates are actually pretty good about not having people over when I have my super early shifts. I went out there and immediately told them that they had to turn the music off and that this just couldn't happen. They looked at me like I was a total buzzkill and said that they would go somewhere else. I should have been satisfied because I stood up for myself. But now I've just been shaking, feeling awful and guilty. I don't want to feel this way! How on earth do I start to feel more comfortable and less people-pleasing? How do I just not give a sh-t what others think, even if it's negative? I'm proud of the fact that I am a nice person and I don't want to lose that quality. I just don't want to be so nice all of the time.
2sunny Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 You're getting a good start. Stating your needs when you're not so heated and mad may help to have an agreement with them about what's expected. If you express which days aren't good for you - they can then find another house to gather in if it's a night they know isnt going to work for you. You can say what you need - but saying it in a rational and nice way will be more effective in the long run. It's basically you practicing good, healthy communication skills. It get easier with practice.
Stilnaught Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Like so many things, it's something that has to evolve inside your mind. The more you do it, the easier it gets, as you are also more experienced in seeing the results an consequences of your actions. Just hang on and learn Your subconscience will follow.
betterdeal Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 Aw, it's really one of the hardest things dealing with people you live with and things going on in your own home, isn't it? Especially people you like, but who are pissing you off. I should have been satisfied because I stood up for myself. But now I've just been shaking, feeling awful and guilty. I don't want to feel this way! I think that what you describe - shaking and feeling rough - is anger. Having evolved with lions and tigers and bears to deal with, we evolved the anger response. Adrenalin floods the system, blood is diverted to the hands, the shaking is you ready to fend off the attacker. I can related completely with your anger: they know you start early and they still screw up your good night's sleep and then act like surly teenagers when you don't let them get away with it. They've ruined the sanctity of your nest, your cave, your home, and it's getting on your nerves. The rude cunts! Part of being assertive is you will experience resistance from others. Bear in mind their reaction to your assertion is their's to own, not you. They think you're a killjoy? Good! You are. If joy to them means a crap day for you tomorrow then screw their joy. They have weekends to party. It's not like you're telling them what to do all the time, just when you need peace and quiet. Once you accept they may react like dicks to their heart's content, and it's theirs to own, not yours, you'll probably feel less offended, less awful, less guilty, and less angry. Then, when things have cooled down a bit, maybe discuss the situation with them calmly. If you have irrevocable differences, may be time for someone to move and find more suitable accommodation, but maybe you can come to a more clear arrangement on what's on and what's off in your home.
threebyfate Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 You had every right to tell them to be quiet so don't feel guilty about it. It's as simple as that. Glad to hear that you've only got 6.5 weeks to go. In changing your environment to one hopefully more quiet, it should help your stress load.
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