CZcer Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Hi everyone, this is the very first time I do this... I just need to get it out of my chest so bad... I cannot tell this to anyone, not a family member, not a friend, anyone. Nobody will understand how I feel. I have been married for 6 years now, and I have two children with my spouse. I love them deeply, BUT the problem is my spouse and I have grown apart sex-wise. My youngest child is only 1, but we haven't had sex in almost 18 months now. I know we both are tired almost all the time for working so hard, but I am kind of getting lonely in that area. Regardless that issue, I thought everyhing was ok, but 2 weeks ago I met someone who wolrks with my spouse, and he is kind of flirting with me, and I for some weird reason, feel very attracted to him. I feel horrible, but @ the same time, I feel sooooo tempted... :'( it breaks my heart think the damage this may cause to my family, but on the other hand I cannot stop thinking and dreaming about an affair with that other man... I am not even sure he does like me, it is just a feeling... How can I deal with this?? I have begged my spouse to reinitiate our sex life, but we don't want more kids and he hasn't had his vasectom done yet, so he always is using that excuse... what can I do to avoid this from happening?? please, someone, give some advice... Thanks in advance...
TripLine Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 You should tell him half the truth. Tell him you are tempted to cheat if your sex life does not get back on track. If he refuses, then please get a divorce before you bang around. Don't be the home wrecker. I am assuming that you know your husband's work life will be ruined as well since it is his coworker who you want. I think your family and stability should outweigh any urges you desire. 2
Bryanp Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Imagine yourself being a single mom with 2 kids because this is exactly what will happen if you have sex with your husband's friend and a person he works with. It will blow up in your face and you will lose a great deal.
CarrieT Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 I have begged my spouse to reinitiate our sex life, but we don't want more kids and he hasn't had his vasectom done yet, so he always is using that excuse... what can I do to avoid this from happening?? Has there been an excuse for not using condoms, a diaphragm, an IUD, or other form of birth control? Sounds like he may already be getting some from somewhere else so the lack of sex for 18 months shows a bigger problem in your relationship which needs to be addressed. Starting with confessing to him your desires (note: NOT feelings!) towards another sexually would be a good place...
Author CZcer Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 You should tell him half the truth. Tell him you are tempted to cheat if your sex life does not get back on track. If he refuses, then please get a divorce before you bang around. Don't be the home wrecker. I am assuming that you know your husband's work life will be ruined as well since it is his coworker who you want. I think your family and stability should outweigh any urges you desire. Dear Tripline, thank you so much for your advice, you are right, I just have to be strong and honest with my husband, 'cause I want no regrets 2
Author CZcer Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 Has there been an excuse for not using condoms, a diaphragm, an IUD, or other form of birth control? Sounds like he may already be getting some from somewhere else so the lack of sex for 18 months shows a bigger problem in your relationship which needs to be addressed. Starting with confessing to him your desires (note: NOT feelings!) towards another sexually would be a good place... Regarding some other kind of birth control, we agreed that vasectomy would be the best, but of course I keep condoms for "when it happens" but, he is always tired... I know he loves me, and I for sure love him, but this lack of sex life is wearing me out. Yourpiece of advice is good, talking about desires and not feelings... Thank you for taking the time
Author CZcer Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 You should tell him half the truth. Tell him you are tempted to cheat if your sex life does not get back on track. If he refuses, then please get a divorce before you bang around. Don't be the home wrecker. I am assuming that you know your husband's work life will be ruined as well since it is his coworker who you want. I think your family and stability should outweigh any urges you desire. You are so right!! I know, I know and I think about my children and my husband, but I long so much the romance and sex... I am being so open up, just because I want to get it out my chest and talk it over... I will be strong, because I don't want the divorce I will have to talk to my husband, find the way to do it, thank you Tripline
Author CZcer Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 Imagine yourself being a single mom with 2 kids because this is exactly what will happen if you have sex with your husband's friend and a person he works with. It will blow up in your face and you will lose a great deal. you are right Bryanp, I know what it's a stake, it is so hard 'cause I get so lonely, and I am not going to blame my husband entirely for this, I must be doing something wrong in my marriage as well.... I will try to talk to him...
Dog Woman Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 I have been married for 8 years and have been with my husband for 12. We are unable to have children. I can appreciate your situation. My husband has medical problems that makes him impotent. I haven't had sex for nearly 3 years. I have managed without and concentrated on other areas of our marriage instead, which isn't always the happiest because of other issues, but I don't have the money to be able to separate or divorce. I focus on work, my hobbies and friends and family instead. My advice would be to resist the temptation of an affair. Last year my head was turned by a man who I ended up having an affair with because he paid me some attention. His marriage wasnt the happiest at the time so we ended up comforting eachother. We decided to end the physical affair a couple of months ago but kept in contact with eachother and it felt like he was still treating me like a girlfriend though I was trying to break away from that and just be a friend to him but have found I can't do that and now have decided to stop texting him. I have asked him to do the same and focus his attentions on his wife instead of me. The problem I have now is that I will come into contact with him from time to time as we both show dogs. Occasionally he is with his wife and right now I don't feel I can face her, though I have spoken to her in the past. I am struggling to move on from my affair and I wouldn't advise anyone having an affair because of the emotional problems it causes. 2
maybealone Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 (edited) If it was really breaking your heart there would be no other hand. Sorry but you sous like H and OW during the affair. You have not really truly internalized what it would mean and the hurt it would cause, or else you don't really care right now. You might or you might not one day. I will admit, I do not know the kind of pain affairs cause. I can imagine how horrible it is, but I know imagining it is not the same as having lived through it. I do, however, know the pain of having a husband that does not want you sexually. I know that feeling is horrible. There are so much more to those vows than just forsaking all others. Not having sex with anyone else doesn't give him a free pass to neglect his wife. (Not that anyone was implying that.) That said, I definitely agree that you need to talk to your husband, OP, and not start any kind of affair. You owe it to the marriage to work on it with a clear head and no other attachments. I wouldn't be surprised if many neglected wives had similar affair thoughts from time to time, but please don't act on them. Edited to add: I realized that what I said above might sound like I am presenting an excuse to cheat. I'm definitely not! Just as I don't think he gets a free pass to neglect his wife, I also don't think she gets a free pass to find what's missing outside of her marriage. All I want is for the OP to know that I understand what she is going through. Edited March 29, 2012 by maybealone 3
findingnemo Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 OP, this sexless thing pisses me off. I don't understand why people think they can force their partners to live without sex. It's cruel. Having said that, having an A is NOT the solution. It won't change the state of the M but will make you into the bad person. Talk to your spouse for Gawd's sake. Spell it put. Don't worry about seeming rude or pathetic. He is your husband! If you can't tell him your problem who else can you tell? Try and try again. I just gave a good friend of mine advice to take her H to a doctor. She is struggling with that because he says he has no problem. They are having shouting matches about it. If he doesn't give in soon, then you need consider a long term solution like divorce. Without romance, what kind of M would you have anyway? 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Yeah, you really need to get your H's attention. Bring out the big guns...like "our relationship is dying", "I'm thinking of having an affair", or "I want a divorce". 1 or all of them (if they are true). It would be better to serve divorce papers and not go through with it than to have an A imho. 1
pteromom Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 I think you need to sit down and tell him outright - "JohnDoe has been flirting with me, and I have found myself attracted to him. It's not really HIM I want, but it's made me realize how much I miss sex and romance and feeling desired. If you really think the vasectomy is the reason you aren't wanting sex, we need to take care of that NOW. I'll schedule the appointment for you. But if there is something else going on, we need to see a doctor, a counselor, whoever. I want to be with YOU. But I need to feel loved. I don't want to be tempted to cheat. Help me." Whatever you do, don't cheat. Actually, you need to actively distance yourself from the other guy. Just avoid him like the plague. If you need someone to fantasize about, choose a celebrity or someone unattainable. If your husband refuses to work on the issue in your marriage, you will have reason to take another step. Talk about opening your marriage. Or divorce. But don't be a cheater. I grew up with a cheater-dad, and trust me... it affects your children more than you think it would. 2
Ninja'sHusband Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 +1 on being careful about boundaries, especially right now...and especially right after your period:bunny:. My WW was completely stupid about her hormones at that time and ended up getting pregnant =\ Maybe by me because she chose to muddy the water...we'll never know since she miscarried (due to stress, age, or both)
nofool4u Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 I know he loves me, and I for sure love him Not if you are thinking of boning another man you don't.
Recommended Posts