Has anybody been the one to do the breaking up?

[mymission]

Most people on this forum are the ones who have been dumped. But I'm interested in the ones who have done the breaking up.

 

How did you go about it? How did he/she react? And how did you feel afterwards?

[lemonlegs]

I just wasn't 'in love' (I know, cliche) with my boyfriend of a year. It took 3 times to break up with him for good, and I felt like such a sh **** person for having to do it multiple times, but that's how hard it is. Basically, if you're feeling it once, don't ever go back, 'cause it's just going to be the exact same. Very rarely do you really realize what you miss and genuinely want that person back. If you aren't in it, you're not in it for good.

 

The first time, I took the cop out 'break' approach. That didn't last very long, as he didn't take it seriously. Then a month later, I did end it, for good. And though it felt right in the beginning, I started to miss (OBVIOUSLY) and then we ended up hanging out again, and ended up back together.

 

Then finally, 3 months after that, I still wasn't happy being with him, and that's when we both knew it had to be final.

 

He was upset all 3 times, but that's just how it has to go.

[wrwrwr]

Lemonlegs, you were the dumper and you lost feelings for your boyfriend at the time.. dont you ever start missing him after awhile of not talking or seeing him? or are those feelings simply not strong enough anymore?

[water4150]

I got a question for you lemonlegs:

 

Were you unhappy because he never changed after the break ups?

 

 

Ok maybe another question lol

 

How long did it take for you to miss him after nc?

[lemonlegs]

I got a question for you lemonlegs:

 

Were you unhappy because he never changed after the break ups?

 

 

Ok maybe another question lol

 

How long did it take for you to miss him after nc?

 

Not necessarily. It wasn't him, it was both of us. We brought out the worst in each other. We still fought, things were the exact same. When you're not with someone, you tend to romanticize the relationship, which was what I did.

We broke up at the end of November, and I missed him to the point we'd text and stuff, but now, I do think of him from time to time and wish I could just talk to him. He doesn't even want to see my face, as mutual friends have told me. He still can't even be around me.

 

 

Lemonlegs, you were the dumper and you lost feelings for your boyfriend at the time.. dont you ever start missing him after awhile of not talking or seeing him? or are those feelings simply not strong enough anymore?

 

 

After the second time we broke up, yes I did, a lot. That's why we ended up talking. However, the feelings that made me want to break up in the first place came rushing back after a short amount of time. I knew deep down that he just wasn't the right guy for me. As I said above, I romanticized everything; once you're together and things were the exact same, you have to cut your losses and know that your gut (first) instincts were right.

[Million.to.1]

Lemonlegs, you were the dumper and you lost feelings for your boyfriend at the time.. dont you ever start missing him after awhile of not talking or seeing him? or are those feelings simply not strong enough anymore?

 

 

I got a question for you lemonlegs:

 

Were you unhappy because he never changed after the break ups?

 

 

Ok maybe another question lol

 

How long did it take for you to miss him after nc?

 

 

You both know that whatever answer lemonlegs gives, it's not necessarily the same for your ex too... right?

 

Seems so many people are searching for what the answers the want to hear.

[lemonlegs]

You both know that whatever answer lemonlegs gives, it's not necessarily the same for your ex too... right?

 

Seems so many people are searching for what the answers the want to hear.

 

I agree. If it helps any further, I have a boyfriend now, and to many, it may seem lie I moved on quick. But in reality, I was 'out' of that relationship for a long time before it happened. And the guy I'm with now, well let's just say it feels a lot different than it did with my ex, in a good way.

 

So not sure if you guys were hoping that I'd say I regret my decision, but I definitely don't. I was trying to convey that usually when it happens, it happens for a good reason and I probably would just try to move on if you are the dumpee.

[water4150]

You both know that whatever answer lemonlegs gives, it's not necessarily the same for your ex too... right?

 

Seems so many people are searching for what the answers the want to hear.

 

 

Ofcourse, I'm not applying it to my ex or anything. It's just I havn't heard many stories from a dumpers perspective. Everybody is different and only time can tell what happens to all of us and our loved ones...

[gotye]

hmmm first time, I was immature and just texted it... i felt nothing (he stopped talking to me for weeks at a time and never initiated contact so I was like; EFF U) but now I realise how immature it is

 

second time, felt lil bad but the guy understood

 

third time felt awful, I didn't want to hurt him but I was SOOOO unhappy and began to HATE him... then I felt amazing and relieved

[nature]

I have broken up with numerous guys in the past, and never once did i regret my decision or miss them or want to go back to them. I knew when breaking up with them that this is what I wanted to do. Usually the break up was the result of unhappiness building inside me for quite some time before I finally ended it.

[hellodearest]

Has anyone ever had a really great relationship til the very end? I dated a girl who loved spending time with me, and had great sexual chemistry, we woke up content, and went to bed content each night. She had even followed me to a new city as I started med school.

 

The day we broke up, was after a long week, and we were both tired. We had actually been feeling so affectionate towards each other that we didn't leave the bed until 7 pm. There were no signs of anything, though in the past we've had discussions of her not feeling "as romantically" towards me as she felt like she should, despite us having to be touching, whether sitting next to each other, tangled up, or giving each other backrubs whenever we were alone.

 

The topic came up again, about how she didn't feel like she was "as in love" as she thinks she should be, and how she wishes desperately that she was more in love with me. I asked her if she would ever change, and she didn't think so, but had been hoping to for a long time. She just said she was so sorry, and that she didn't think she was ready for completely committing to me.

 

I brought up breaking up then, since she pretty much said she was unable to devote herself completely to me, and she cried for a long time, but eventually, reluctantly agreed. She said that in order to not be selfish, she would have to let me go, and it was the hardest thing she's ever done in her life.

 

I'm her first relationship, and we were together for a year (late 20s). There is no one else involved. I asked her not to call me when I left, and sent her a letter. My letter was a general letter, about how much I had grown while I was with her, as well as a nice goodbye. She responded with her own letter a couple days later telling about how much she still cherishes me and loves me, and "although this is goodbye for now, it isn't goodbye forever, I know that someday we will find each other again because true love doesn't die."

By finding each other again, she means as friends (context from the rest of the letter).

 

It's been day 3 NC.

 

Dumpers, does this make sense to any of you? Have you ever had thoughts like this? Is this GIGS? (This girl isn't going to go 180, she has too much integrity, and she's always been honest, caring, etc.)

[gotye]

Has anyone ever had a really great relationship til the very end? I dated a girl who loved spending time with me, and had great sexual chemistry, we woke up content, and went to bed content each night. She had even followed me to a new city as I started med school.

 

The day we broke up, was after a long week, and we were both tired. We had actually been feeling so affectionate towards each other that we didn't leave the bed until 7 pm. There were no signs of anything, though in the past we've had discussions of her not feeling "as romantically" towards me as she felt like she should, despite us having to be touching, whether sitting next to each other, tangled up, or giving each other backrubs whenever we were alone.

 

The topic came up again, about how she didn't feel like she was "as in love" as she thinks she should be, and how she wishes desperately that she was more in love with me. I asked her if she would ever change, and she didn't think so, but had been hoping to for a long time. She just said she was so sorry, and that she didn't think she was ready for completely committing to me.

 

I brought up breaking up then, since she pretty much said she was unable to devote herself completely to me, and she cried for a long time, but eventually, reluctantly agreed. She said that in order to not be selfish, she would have to let me go, and it was the hardest thing she's ever done in her life.

 

I'm her first relationship, and we were together for a year (late 20s). There is no one else involved. I asked her not to call me when I left, and sent her a letter. My letter was a general letter, about how much I had grown while I was with her, as well as a nice goodbye. She responded with her own letter a couple days later telling about how much she still cherishes me and loves me, and "although this is goodbye for now, it isn't goodbye forever, I know that someday we will find each other again because true love doesn't die."

By finding each other again, she means as friends (context from the rest of the letter).

 

It's been day 3 NC.

 

Dumpers, does this make sense to any of you? Have you ever had thoughts like this? Is this GIGS? (This girl isn't going to go 180, she has too much integrity, and she's always been honest, caring, etc.)

 

my bf did similar thing... wasn't as in love as he thought he should be so ended it... probably gigs in a way... or just not meant to be

[hellodearest]

Yeah. Thing is though, what is she expecting to feel? She's had sweethearts that she's dated, but I'm her first relationship. I've asked to be honest with me and she's said that she loves me so much more than anyone, and had no idea that two people could love each other so completely. She just lacks the "in love" feeling...

 

What does that even mean? Maybe I just need to accept it wasn't meant to be.

[Million.to.1]

Yeah. Thing is though, what is she expecting to feel? She's had sweethearts that she's dated, but I'm her first relationship. I've asked to be honest with me and she's said that she loves me so much more than anyone, and had no idea that two people could love each other so completely. She just lacks the "in love" feeling...

 

What does that even mean? Maybe I just need to accept it wasn't meant to be.

 

Would you like someone to tell you that it is GIGS?

 

Maybe it is.. maybe it's not. Who knows.

 

I think that you couldn't of asked for a better break-up. Sounds like you handled yourself well and both parties felt heard and understood and showed each other alot of mutual respect. There is nothing but love between the two of you and all you need to know is that you are not together anymore. Take as much time N/C as you need to heal and truely move forward. It's early days... You will be ok. Post here when you need support and want to reach out, keep busy and focus on ways to be happy. Do the things you love and seek out new pastures.

[RobotNano]

I never do the breaking up. I realized it can be a problem and a habit. It is unhealthy.

[The Great Gazoo]

Has anyone ever had a really great relationship til the very end? I dated a girl who loved spending time with me, and had great sexual chemistry, we woke up content, and went to bed content each night. She had even followed me to a new city as I started med school.

 

The day we broke up, was after a long week, and we were both tired. We had actually been feeling so affectionate towards each other that we didn't leave the bed until 7 pm. There were no signs of anything, though in the past we've had discussions of her not feeling "as romantically" towards me as she felt like she should, despite us having to be touching, whether sitting next to each other, tangled up, or giving each other backrubs whenever we were alone.

 

The topic came up again, about how she didn't feel like she was "as in love" as she thinks she should be, and how she wishes desperately that she was more in love with me. I asked her if she would ever change, and she didn't think so, but had been hoping to for a long time. She just said she was so sorry, and that she didn't think she was ready for completely committing to me.

 

I brought up breaking up then, since she pretty much said she was unable to devote herself completely to me, and she cried for a long time, but eventually, reluctantly agreed. She said that in order to not be selfish, she would have to let me go, and it was the hardest thing she's ever done in her life.

 

 

)

 

Wow I could have written that post!!!! I broke with her exactly like that and it so sux. We had crazy great sex, an intellectual connection and on paper it worked. But she just couldn’t commit to a future together. I couldn't put up with her lack of commitment to me and I ended it.

[camarad]

Yes and I hate it. I'm such a wuss at breaking up. Much prefer to be dumped. But then I'm an oddball. Once in a relationship I miss being single. Once single I miss being in a relationship. Been like that since puberty and I'm 40 now!

[Eternal Sunshine]

For me, it was always because I lacked that passionate "in love" feeling. There are always other problems of course, but the truth is, I would go to the ends of earth for someone I am in love with. It's not even something I can put my finger on. Just "the feeling" wasn't there as much as I think it should be and as much as I felt for other guys in the past.

 

Each time I missed the other person soon after, which is normal and doesn't mean a thing. It didn't mean that I was suddenly "in love". Just a process of riding it out until an ex fades from my memory. I never truly regretted breaking up.

[blindesided]

Wow I could have written that post!!!! I broke with her exactly like that and it so sux. We had crazy great sex, an intellectual connection and on paper it worked. But she just couldn’t commit to a future together. I couldn't put up with her lack of commitment to me and I ended it.

 

My Bf broke up with me in the exact same way - we had great sex, great chemistry, no fighting, tons of fun - he just didnt have that "in love" feeling. I think its worse being broken up with that way. There is nothing concrete you can point to & I cant even be angry at him - you cant help what you feel or dont feel - All I feel is an intense sadness & pain - this one hurt worse than the ending of my 17yr marriage - it gives me little hope to try and form any more relationships - the wall up around my heart isnt coming down anytime soon

[The Great Gazoo]

My Bf broke up with me in the exact same way - we had great sex, great chemistry, no fighting, tons of fun - he just didnt have that "in love" feeling. I think its worse being broken up with that way. There is nothing concrete you can point to & I cant even be angry at him - you cant help what you feel or dont feel - All I feel is an intense sadness & pain - this one hurt worse than the ending of my 17yr marriage - it gives me little hope to try and form any more relationships - the wall up around my heart isnt coming down anytime soon

 

 

Oh blindesided... I so relate to your pain. I agree I am sadder now than I was after my 9 year relship ended. Not as devastated mind you, but just really sad and hurt.

 

It so hurts when someone doesn’t/can't love you... and you're feeling all in.... so very painful. It really has attacked my self esteem and how I feel about myself -- keep asking "what's wrong with me" that this amazing woman couldn't love me? -- I know logically that it's not me and someone else might have loved me...and someone else will... but I still feel empty and broken.

 

Don't give up!!! Don't let those walls become permanent!!! Just move on and always hold on to a little piece of your soul and don't give it to anyone until you're more than sure next time.

[lostconfidence]

my storys a but of a weird one. currently now i am heart broken and so is she (she says she s not)

we wher in love big time then i got cold feet was goin to the army so i ended it..ther wasnt much chasing but she was sad i knew that am very stubron and always think am right. for 6 months she chased me and made sure she was wher i was gonna be i was dating a lot of other wemon she didnot knw about this

 

then she made a ponit of getting me back she was the hottest bird at the party. every time wer in a room we just stare at each other so we got back for 2 months.

she was mireable with her job massive hours i seeen her almost never she was angry i was angry if she was late to come see me. aww it was horrible. we still had fun tho when together if i wasnt grumpy about her being late.

 

then she was in a bad mood so was i i called it off agian.....she chased me for a week cried every nite and then met a guy in a club a toerag compared to me. 1st guy shes met. and she has been with him every nite almost since. what dos that tell ya.

 

i found out went mental she played me along crying telling me she wanted space telling me she lloves me she lst confused hurt angry cause i told her we had no furter..

 

all in all shes still stays in this guys hows every nite. i chased begged cried everything i would never have done in a million years.

we still talk she just wants to let her hair down yes i agree its wrong what she did but if she felt like me for 6 months then got me back then a did it agin. **** me she was gonna make me pay

 

and i deserved it....she told me i made her feel wrothless. right now i knowshe is bitter she parades this worthless punk around every where to the stage i cant go out.. one day she will forgive me and herself and we will get back together.. trust me standing in a room with us 2 it will happen. but ill give her a year or how long it takes

[robkris8079]

I broke up with my now ex. The breakup was a quick 15 minute talk after 5 years. We sat down and I said your not happy and I'm not happy I think our relationship has run it's course. Told her I wouldn't be around for next few days so she can get all her stuff out. She cried, said "I'm sorry" asked for a hug and I gave her one but cut it short. I slept in the guest bedroom, her in our bed. I seen her as I closed the door to leave for work the next morning. I just said "good bye" to her.

 

She got all her stuff out over those next two days. We seemed to have an excellent relationship up until two weeks prior to that talk. Some reason those two weeks she was distant, cold, not coming home or seeming to want to be around me. Texting and communicating less and some what annoyed with me.

 

I sensed the end and instead of living with it I had to end it. I'll never really have answers as to why or what happened. I think she just didn't feel I was the one and was trying for awhile until it became too much for her. Or wanted to live her youth to the fullest and felt I was an obstacle in that. I really don't know. Instead of talking to me just shut me out.

 

This was the first women I ever gave my heart to. My first real love. I am older and even been married before but this one had me. She had all of me.

[blindesided]

Oh blindesided... I so relate to your pain. I agree I am sadder now than I was after my 9 year relship ended. Not as devastated mind you, but just really sad and hurt.

 

It so hurts when someone doesn’t/can't love you... and you're feeling all in.... so very painful. It really has attacked my self esteem and how I feel about myself -- keep asking "what's wrong with me" that this amazing woman couldn't love me? -- I know logically that it's not me and someone else might have loved me...and someone else will... but I still feel empty and broken.

 

Don't give up!!! Don't let those walls become permanent!!! Just move on and always hold on to a little piece of your soul and don't give it to anyone until you're more than sure next time.

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Funny with this relationship - I thought I was being very careful not to get "too emotionally attached" I had recently come out of a long marriage so I wasnt looking to settle down anytime soon. (My feelings just crept up on me - thats what is scary to me - how deeply I fell for him when I wasnt even looking - hence the walls up now) We were just having fun. Its funny all my friends say I probably found the 1 guy in a hundred who was looking to have kids & settle down! (That is part of our break up - 2 different stages in our life - even if I wouldve wanted to settle down - he said I'm not "the one" )Why couldnt I have met him when he was older & divorced - lol

[Kamila]

After 1 year, my bf tried breaking up with me.

He wanted to talk to me and meet me at my house.

At my house, he said he had doubts about us.

I said 'okay' and just looked away.

That had the opposite effect on him and he hugged me really tightly.

 

I forgot about that 'incident' ever since...

 

1.5 y later I was the one breaking up with him.

We had an argument on the phone and I was saying to him that we have nothing to tell to each other.

Of course at the time, I didn't know what I was saying.

I was just frustrated of his indecision and his commitmentphobic traits.

He saw that as a getaway.

Luckily, I managed to meet him, but it was too late. The break-up was already there.

At the time that we parted for good and that he started to cry,

I could have sworn that underneath all this mascarade, we really loved each other.

Other stuff was just in the way ...

[hellodearest]

whats happened since?

 

have you two talked at all?