Why come up with all these excuses and not just focus on being the best person?

March 30, 2012

I've never understood this perspective... that because someone, somewhere, has it worse than you, you're not allowed your emotions.

We all have our crosses to carry, and I don't think one person's burden is necessarily worse than anyone else's. Yes, someone else might have a crappier job than me, but they also have a loving and supportive family. Someone might have bad luck with men like me, but they have fantastic friends. Etc. Trying to play the "you only get pity if you have the worst situation" just doesn't make sense.

Your self-pity is so unattractive.

You're allowed to your emotions all you want. BUT I'd like for you to at least consider that you might not have it so bad.

March 30, 2012

Your self-pity is so unattractive.

You're allowed to your emotions all you want. BUT I'd like for you to at least consider that you might not have it so bad.

Yeah, I've gotten the message loud and clear that most things about me are unattractive.

I am better than some, and worse than others. So is everybody else in the world. So I'm like everybody else in the world... and that brings me right back to square one. How does knowing I'm average/below average, but not the bottom of the barrel in terms of suffering, help?? Again, I just don't get how that's supposed to help.

March 30, 2012

I've never understood this perspective... that because someone, somewhere, has it worse than you, you're not allowed your emotions.

We all have our crosses to carry, and I don't think one person's burden is necessarily worse than anyone else's. Yes, someone else might have a crappier job than me, but they also have a loving and supportive family. Someone might have bad luck with men like me, but they have fantastic friends. Etc. Trying to play the "you only get pity if you have the worst situation" just doesn't make sense.

exactly. the starving children in africa may have it worse than a motorcycle driver who just got into accident and lost his limb. a person tortured and waterboarded in guantanamo bay again might have it worse than starving children in africa. who decides who has it worse? imajerk17? i wanna see him walk up to the victim of the accident and tell him to stop whining about the lost limb because others "have it worse".

March 30, 2012

Yeah, I've gotten the message loud and clear that most things about me are unattractive.

I am better than some, and worse than others. So is everybody else in the world. So I'm like everybody else in the world... and that brings me right back to square one. How does knowing I'm average/below average, but not the bottom of the barrel in terms of suffering, help?? Again, I just don't get how that's supposed to help.

My advice from before: Keep plugging away. Keep going to the gym. Keep making the effort to look nice and keep flirting. Figure you are going to be single for a while so you might as well enjoy it.

That's the same advice you've been getting all along? We don't know what else to tell you then. There's no magic pill that we are hiding from you V.

Meanwhile, learn to smile. Appreciation for what you do have will get you a lot further than self-pity.

March 30, 2012

exactly. the starving children in africa may have it worse than a motorcycle driver who just got into accident and lost his limb. a person tortured and waterboarded in guantanamo bay again might have it worse than starving children in africa. who decides who has it worse? imajerk17? i wanna see him walk up to the victim of the accident and tell him to stop whining about the lost limb because others "have it worse".

To the best of my knowledge, V has all 4 limbs.

And how can a Negative Nancy help anyone feel better?

March 30, 2012

My advice from before: Keep plugging away. Keep going to the gym. Keep making the effort to look nice and keep flirting. Figure you are going to be single for a while so you might as well enjoy it.

That's the same advice you've been getting all along? We don't know what else to tell you then. There's no magic pill that we are hiding from you V.

Meanwhile, learn to smile. Appreciation for what you do have will get you a lot further than self-pity.

This is more a hypothetical, but relevant to the conversation:

What if self-pity makes me feel better? I have tried, with no success, to "make myself a better person." It's supposed to lead to happiness and contentment and self-fulfillment and what not, but in my case, it's just lead to frustration and failure.

What if self-pity makes me feel better than all this "be the best person" improvements? (That I fail at.) Would you still advise to abandon the thing that makes me happy, and tell me I should stick with the thing that makes me unhappy (trying to improve myself and failing)?

Why keep doing something that isn't working AND is actively making me feel worse?

March 30, 2012

My advice from before: Keep plugging away. Keep going to the gym. Keep making the effort to look nice and keep flirting. Figure you are going to be single for a while so you might as well enjoy it.

That's the same advice you've been getting all along? We don't know what else to tell you then. There's no magic pill that we are hiding from you V.

Meanwhile, learn to smile. Appreciation for what you do have will get you a lot further than self-pity.

I don't mean to criticize you, so much as to point out that this is how I see a lot of interactions between posters here evolve. I think V knows what you're getting at. She just doesn't think it's a perspective that can help her. What more can you really do or say?

March 30, 2012

Sometimes it is good to vent and get other perspectives. I know if it weren't for the women here who have been supportive even at my worst I probably would be just as bitter towards the other gender as I was the day after my divorce. They helped me see that not all women were like my ex and my mother and that some women do genuinely appreciate a good man.

March 30, 2012

You made a thread where you said you were trying to lose weight, but that whatever you were doing wasn't working.

Try this. Weigh yourself, then go out on a run outside for several hours. Don't push yourself too hard. Just run and when you can't anymore, then walk, then when you feel you can run again, then run again. Do this for three hours. Then when you're back home weigh yourself again.

You should have lost at least one pound during that run, if not more. If you do this 4 times a week you should be dropping weight fairly quickly.

Also start counting calories when you eat and start weighing your food.

For example, I know that I personally lose 3 pounds of weight every 24 hours on an average day when I don't exert myself. So I know that if I don't want to gain weight on such days, that I need to eat less than 3 pounds of food and fluids in those 24 hours and consume less than 2500 calories, because I spend roughly 100 calories per hour on a day that I don't exercise. For women that's 1500 calories.

Walk every day for at least 45 minutes 2 hours after you've had your most calorie rich meal. Why? Because your blood sugar levels rise 2 hours after you've eaten, because the carbs you ate are transformed into sugar and that sugar is transported via your blood to the areas of your body that accumulate fat, where the sugar is transformed to fat.

That 45 minutes of exercise will drop your blood sugar levels at its apex and hence limit the formation of fat from the sugar in your blood during the most critical time of the day.

Normally your natural insulin production should regulate your blood sugar levels, but due to the diet of modern people the natural insulin production in your body often does not suffice. Hence many people have to take additional measures to drop their blood sugar levels to prevent fat from forming.

If you follow through on this type of lifestyle, you will lose weight. If you don't then there's something wrong with your body. Once you're at ideal weight, what you have to do to maintain it as a woman is run 5 miles a day.

I've seen your photos. You don't seem to be very overweight to begin with. A few pounds and you're there.

So I should run for 3 hours 4 times a week?? 5 miles A DAY? And do that FOREVER? (To maintain the weight loss) That's just a little nuts, in terms of sustainability and health. That much running is utter destruction on your joints, and that's only the beginning. I'm glad it works for you but.... for me, it'd be nuts. I might lose weight.... and I might lose weight starving myself as well. The goal is to find a way to lose weight in a way that's manageable and sustainable (and healthy.)

Going into depth about what I'm doing on this thread wouldn't do any good, though you could PM me if you're dying to critique it.... but I've done my research, and I've run tons and tons of questions past doctors, trainers, and several health forums. I am staying at the same weight, going up in strength... and going up in body fat. I have completely confounded everyone I've talked to.

March 30, 2012

When will the pity party end and the focusing on being the best person begin.

Lead the charge joystickd, stop moaning about the moaners. It's easy to do - just ignore them. To complain about them is to be like them! Take solace in the fact that you're not one of them - move on.

.

March 30, 2012

It's either that or starvation + cutting down on fat or carbs.

Don't be ridiculous. I said run and walk, not run 3 hours like a marathon runner.

Humans used to run and walk all day long in their hunter-scavenger days, we're built to walk. Better yet, we need to walk. Sitting behind a computer isn't a very healthy lifestyle. Personally I dislike sitting still behind a computer.

No you're looking for an excuse. But ok...ok. Here's an alternative. There's a 60mg pill on the market called "Alli". It's an over the counter pill that prevents fat from being absorbed by your body after a meal. It does something to the fat in your stomach, which prevents it from being absorbed.

The downside is that you'd be "leaking fat" out of your @ss uncontrollably. So you'd need to wear something to absorb that fat. Either by putting a tampon in your anus or wearing a diaper.

I've never tried the above myself, but I've heard from people who tried it that it works. So that's an alternative.

There are no easy ways out, everything has its advantages and disadvantages.

You must be transcending the laws of thermodynamics then. Can I touch you?

All right, here goes: I'm down to 1300 calories a day. I also do interval training and weight lifting (5x) 3-4 times a week, on top of martial arts. I've cut out grains and processed foods.... nothing but meats and vegetables, with some occasional fruit. I keep my carbs under 100g a day. Twice a week, I have a "cheater meal" which is like a sandwich.

I've been doing this for four months. Like I said, gone up in strength (more reps with higher weights), kept my weight the same (it fluctuates reliably between 120-123), and by every calculation I've tried, I've gone up in body fat. Seriously. My body is bizarre. The nutrionist I talked to said I really couldn't go lower on calories without putting myself in danger of long-term health problems.

March 30, 2012

All right, here goes: I'm down to 1300 calories a day. I also do interval training and weight lifting (5x) 3-4 times a week, on top of martial arts. I've cut out grains and processed foods.... nothing but meats and vegetables, with some occasional fruit. I keep my carbs under 100g a day. Twice a week, I have a "cheater meal" which is like a sandwich.

I've been doing this for four months. Like I said, gone up in strength (more reps with higher weights), kept my weight the same (it fluctuates reliably between 120-123), and by every calculation I've tried, I've gone up in body fat. Seriously. My body is bizarre. The nutrionist I talked to said I really couldn't go lower on calories without putting myself in danger of long-term health problems.

5'0" 123 is actually a little too thin to some.

If you did OLD, you would probably get your share of suitors.

March 30, 2012

No wonder you're gaining muscle mass, you're weight lifting. Try cardio, running in particular.

There's no way that you don't lose any weight after a run. Even the most efficient Olympic medal marathon runners lose weight during a run. They lose 4 pounds in two hours. Since your body isn't nearly that efficient due to training, you should be losing a lot more than that.

However, I'm not advocating you to go to that extreme length. Just run and walk at your own pace, take it out of your time on LS or if you can't live without LS, then run with an iPhone and check LS when you're walking instead of running.

I do weight lifting to burn body fat. Weighing 110 is gonna do me no good if it's at 35% body fat....

I already said I work out 3 times a week, and do martial arts on top of that. So I am already taking time... but you're claiming that someone would need almost 9-12 hours a week JUST to run/walk. AND someone would need to do that for the rest of their lives to maintain weight loss. That is not effective weight loss, nor is it sustainable.

And that amount of running/walking is also very damaging on your joints. So you're trading one health problem for another.

March 30, 2012

Sometimes it is good to vent and get other perspectives. I know if it weren't for the women here who have been supportive even at my worst I probably would be just as bitter towards the other gender as I was the day after my divorce. They helped me see that not all women were like my ex and my mother and that some women do genuinely appreciate a good man.

it's the same for me, i've seen a couple good men on here that do make the overall situation seem not so hopeless.

March 30, 2012

I do weight lifting to burn body fat. Weighing 110 is gonna do me no good if it's at 35% body fat....

I already said I work out 3 times a week, and do martial arts on top of that. So I am already taking time... but you're claiming that someone would need almost 9-12 hours a week JUST to run/walk. AND someone would need to do that for the rest of their lives to maintain weight loss. That is not effective weight loss, nor is it sustainable.

And that amount of running/walking is also very damaging on your joints. So you're trading one health problem for another.

V, I am still having an extremely tough time believing that everyone in your "real life" finds you physically unattractive. I mean, I can TRY MY BEST TO play along (I guess) but in my heart of hearts I just can't buy that this is the core of your problems when it comes to relationships.

From your avatar you have a cute face. And 5', 125 pounds, working out all that much, doing martial arts and weights, is athletic. Even if (especially if?) it is hiding under some curves. It's definitely NOT fat.

As I said before, I approach and write (in OLD) girls that are your physical type all the time, because that is what I prefer. The girl I am seeing now, and am quite into honestly, is 5'8" maybe 170.

I already told you what I think is the core of your problem.

I usually like HOAL's posts, but I don't agree with him here. That much exercise sounds scary to me too. That's one problem with this forum and one more reason why I don't think here is good for you. Everyone is going to have their own take, and I'm concerned with someone who seems so unhappy trying something dangerous that jibes with their insecurities. In all seriousness V, I do hope you get help in a more appropriate place.

Edited March 30, 2012 by Imajerk17

March 30, 2012

At any rate, my original question still stands. How can one improve themselves as a person when either they've reached the threshold of improvement, OR their improvements don't do anything for them? (And this DOES NOT have to relate to me.)

The honest answer, beyond what we gave you: We don't know. We don't know. Except yes, smile a little. And keep working out, making the effort to look good, realizing that finding someone great could take years, not months.

We're not hiding a magic pill from you V. Despite what you may think, we wish you well too, but we feel bad that you are this unhappy and frustrated that we aren't able to help. (At least I am, I can't really speak for others but I suspect its true for them.)

The problem is: We don't see you in real life. We only have pictures and your words to go by, which just isn't the same. We don't see how you interact with other people. AND we are not therapists either. So you tell us something and going by so little information, we project our own experiences. Do you see how hard it is for us to help you?

Edited March 30, 2012 by Imajerk17

April 3, 2012

I look and these people don't really want to change.

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Why come up with all these excuses and not just focus on being the best person?

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