Why come up with all these excuses and not just focus on being the best person?

March 29, 2012

When you constantly talk about same thing it becomes an excuse

Perhaps, but not sure if that is up to you to judge. Amidst all of the flailing and ranting, it is likely that some of the advice is filtering through at some level.

Not always of course. But you never know.

March 29, 2012

Perhaps, but not sure if that is up to you to judge. Amidst all of the flailing and ranting, it is likely that some of the advice is filtering through at some level.

Not always of course. But you never know.

Carol Adrienne - The Power of Acceptance

Check out the part about addiction to struggle. On some level the users that talk about this a lot are experiencing this

March 29, 2012

I guess that's true to some extent. On the flip side, some posters give truly terrible dating advice that can actually harm, rather than help, inexperienced individuals coming here for help. I've noticed that instead of being honest, people would often say something they think is the politically correct thing to say.

Speaking of posters giving atrocious advice: Hey weren't you the dude who wrote that women view guys who approach them as "annoying telemarketers" and said that's "The Truth About Cold Approaching" (your thread title)?

Edited March 29, 2012 by Imajerk17

March 29, 2012

I'm honest and I'm scum or even abusive for it lol. Sometimes the truth hurts

Good thread joystick. And I will always call it as I see it too.

I agree that people need to work on themselves before they can be deserving of a partner who attracts them and who loves them the way they want to be loved.

March 30, 2012

I hear men complain about feminism, women wanting tall men, they want my money, etc. I see women complain about men preferring porn over women, men wanting younger women, men cheating, etc. When will the pity party end and the focusing on being the best person begin. No one wants a bitter person for a partner. You all can say " I don't act like that when I meet someone", but it shows in your actions. We shouldn't let the BS someone in the past did to us dictate how we treat new people in our life. Also if you keep repeating the same thing only to get the same outcome the problem is YOU.

I wholeheartedly agree.

When I backed off dating and learned to be happy alone...self-improvement was high on my list. Working out, dressing better, traveling, educating myself on the world, etc.

I didn't do it to attract women, but to really love the person I saw in the mirror.

March 30, 2012

I hear you. But I think it's also important that we listen to each other. I have learned a lot from the men's complaints on here. Seriously, being able to talk with men online who have the security of anonymity, and hear what they REALLY think, is gold. And I think some of the guys learn from the women who express what hurts them, too.

I agree it is important that both sides listen and we both can learn from each other but there are some that are so negative it seems it doesn't get through to them. I will be honest what I say sometimes to people can be harsh but I do it because sometimes that is the only way you can get through to some people. I look at some of these threads and wonder why do we focus of real solutions for some of these people instead of sometimes going on a back and forth. I look at porn threads degenerate into full blown arguments instead of offering real solutions. I look at threads about my men won't approach or women doing certain things and it turns into a gender war.

The reason I say pity party is if you go on unrelated threads talking about same negative subject with some slick way to fit it in the thread then you are looking for a pity party. I acknowledge that people vent but we also have to be realistic and not come in with men do this and women do that. We all have had bad experiences in dating but the true test is how we deal with them and how we let them affect us.

March 30, 2012

*Shrugs* Maybe they're tried and it hasn't worked.

Some things work for people, and don't work for others. Why should "thinking positive/be the best person!" be any different?

Maybe even their version of "best person" is still substandard. Then what?

March 30, 2012

Then you'll still be posting on this forum in 2043 with the same negative attitude, while looking for replies that confirm your negative self-image.

Again.... negative, or realistic?

If we can ackowledge that there are people out there who are the epitome of smart/beautiful/sexy/talented, what have you, why don't we ever admit that then there must be a bottom of the spectrum?

What if doing your best still makes you subpar? What if your "very best individual" is still stupid or unattractive? Then what?

March 30, 2012

*Shrugs* Maybe they're tried and it hasn't worked.

Some things work for people, and don't work for others. Why should "thinking positive/be the best person!" be any different?

Maybe even their version of "best person" is still substandard. Then what?

You think its substandard. I mean honestly you have had a FWB so what's not to say you could find someone who would want a relationship with you. I look at you and numerous others and you have gotten comfortable with being this person that is "undateable" or the others that are "bitter". Its easier to deal with and has at some point become an identity for you. I really think the problem is you don't want to step out because you have identified with this for so long that you hate the realization that you might have been wrong all along and also you hate to lose the benefit of being "unattractive girl" in which honestly me and others have said you are far from unattractive.

March 30, 2012

*Shrugs* Maybe they're tried and it hasn't worked.

Some things work for people, and don't work for others. Why should "thinking positive/be the best person!" be any different?

Maybe even their version of "best person" is still substandard. Then what?

Then... nothing. Either settle or just accept you will be alone.

The world doesn't owe anyone happiness. You might as well learn to be happy, because downers are generally shunned.

March 30, 2012

Again.... negative, or realistic?

If we can ackowledge that there are people out there who are the epitome of smart/beautiful/sexy/talented, what have you, why don't we ever admit that then there must be a bottom of the spectrum?

What if doing your best still makes you subpar? What if your "very best individual" is still stupid or unattractive? Then what?

I really don't think you have tried to really be the very best individual. I think you went to a certain point and saw it wasn't working and just gave up

March 30, 2012

You think its substandard. I mean honestly you have had a FWB so what's not to say you could find someone who would want a relationship with you. I look at you and numerous others and you have gotten comfortable with being this person that is "undateable" or the others that are "bitter". Its easier to deal with and has at some point become an identity for you. I really think the problem is you don't want to step out because you have identified with this for so long that you hate the realization that you might have been wrong all along and also you hate to lose the benefit of being "unattractive girl" in which honestly me and others have said you are far from unattractive.

FWBs are easy to have. Most men will sleep with anything. I didn't develop this identity out of nothing... it's been built brick by brick by my experiences.

But that's still ignoring my point. We acknowledge people on the upper ends of the scale.... why do we ignore the people on the lower? Are we just accusing them of being lazy, that they're not TRYING to be the best people? What if they try and still don't succeed?

Why do we believe in talented people, but not untalented people? Why do we believe in geniuses but not in simpletons? What if "best person you can be" is still not enough?

March 30, 2012

The thing about progress, though, is that often it happens not in a gradual flow, but a big tidal wave. There are certain problems I've chewed on for YEARS. It may have seemed like I was making no progress and staying stuck. Then suddenly, one day, the tide comes in and I undergo swift change that is real. That's the moment when I finally GET IT.

I think the best possible way to be a real friend (virtual or beyond) is to accept a person as they are now, without judgment, and encourage them to grow, without criticism or negativity. I do this with all my friends, and I have the reputation of being the person who inspires people to make real change for the better.

One of my good friends lost a crazy amount of weight over the past 2 years, and is now in the buffest, best shape of his entire life. We have been closely discussing fitness and health all throughout this time, and he recently told me: "I have you to thank for this." In those 2 years, I never once criticized him or told him to get off his ass and do the work. I acknowledged what he was doing right, and encouraged more of the same.

I bet you a million dollars that the KIND messages of encouragement I have expressed to people who seem stuck in a spiral of negativity have gotten through to them more than the critical chewing-out they've gotten from other people. I have seen it happen over and over.

March 30, 2012

I hear you. But I think it's also important that we listen to each other. I have learned a lot from the men's complaints on here. Seriously, being able to talk with men online who have the security of anonymity, and hear what they REALLY think, is gold. And I think some of the guys learn from the women who express what hurts them, too.

I've also learned a lot of important things about men here. And another website that I think is really a fantastic place about and for men. Without it, I think I wouldn't have some of the knowledge that I now do that helps my relationships with men.

I just wish guys would spend a little more time getting to know women as people instead of focusing all their attention on how to sleep with or pick-up women for short term affairs. Or judge women purely on their looks. I get the impression that women probably spend more time trying to understand men then men really and validly try to understand women. Now I am not saying women always get it right. But I do think women try a bit more in this department. I just wish I could see men do the same. *shrug*.

March 30, 2012

I never denied there is a bottom of the spectrum. However, that spectrum differs per person and perspective.

Then it's possible you'd be f*cked. However that's not the case in your situation. But telling you this is like talking to a brick wall.

How can you say it's not the case in my situation? Or any one else with similar complaints on this forum?

March 30, 2012

FWBs are easy to have. Most men will sleep with anything. I didn't develop this identity out of nothing... it's been built brick by brick by my experiences.

But that's still ignoring my point. We acknowledge people on the upper ends of the scale.... why do we ignore the people on the lower? Are we just accusing them of being lazy, that they're not TRYING to be the best people? What if they try and still don't succeed?

Why do we believe in talented people, but not untalented people? Why do we believe in geniuses but not in simpletons? What if "best person you can be" is still not enough?

Even the simpletons have something they are good at. Why work so hard to validate this negativity when you could use that energy for positive?

March 30, 2012

FWBs are easy to have. Most men will sleep with anything. I didn't develop this identity out of nothing... it's been built brick by brick by my experiences.

But that's still ignoring my point. We acknowledge people on the upper ends of the scale.... why do we ignore the people on the lower? Are we just accusing them of being lazy, that they're not TRYING to be the best people? What if they try and still don't succeed?

Why do we believe in talented people, but not untalented people? Why do we believe in geniuses but not in simpletons? What if "best person you can be" is still not enough?

We don't. A lot of us give to charity.

You could put your money where your mouth is and go for a simpleton yourself....

As I said before, the world owes no one happiness. Not even you V.

March 30, 2012

I've also learned a lot of important things about men here. And another website that I think is really a fantastic place about and for men. Without it, I think I wouldn't have some of the knowledge that I now do that helps my relationships with men.

I just wish guys would spend a little more time getting to know women as people instead of focusing all their attention on how to sleep with or pick-up women for short term affairs. Or judge women purely on their looks. I get the impression that women probably spend more time trying to understand men then men really and validly try to understand women. Now I am not saying women always get it right. But I do think women try a bit more in this department. I just wish I could see men do the same. *shrug*.

Men do but when you focus on certain things is makes it hard to see that

March 30, 2012

Why do we believe in talented people, but not untalented people? Why do we believe in geniuses but not in simpletons? What if "best person you can be" is still not enough?

Because it is very clear from what you write here, and your pictures, that you are not a simpleton or unattractive.

Do you really think all these people would be telling you that your opinion of yourself is distorted if you were spot on? Being too nice is not something LS posters have a reputation for. For the most part, people will give it to you straight here.

I am certain there are some great guys out there who would feel very lucky to be with you. But until you believe that, you're unlikely to find them.

March 30, 2012

I hear you. But I think it's also important that we listen to each other. I have learned a lot from the men's complaints on here. Seriously, being able to talk with men online who have the security of anonymity, and hear what they REALLY think, is gold. And I think some of the guys learn from the women who express what hurts them, too.

I'm curious--what specifically did you learn about men that helped you? The answer you give could be helpful for both genders on here....

March 30, 2012

Like talking to a brick wall.

It doesn't matter what type of answer I give you here. It wouldn't register with you anyway. Many people have already given you a wide spectrum of answers for why it isn't the case, yet you still keep rehashing the same sh*t over and over again.

You're kind of frustrating to deal with V. Beyond a certain threshold my patience with a certain person starts to dwindle down. As it should.

If we lived closer together I would have given you genuine pointers and tips in person. And the reason I would have to do that in real life and not on a forum is because I would want to see you act upon it. Something tells me you don't act upon the advice that is given to you here on this forum. Like I said, you're looking to get your self-image confirmed, rather than trying to get the most out of life. You need to address this, it is f*cking up your life.

I would argue that I am ALREADY getting the most I can out of life. It's just that the most I can get is... not that much.

I have tried out advice I've found on this forum. I've gone to therapy, I do my make-up every day, I watch countless youtube videos on hair styles (which I try to replicate with disastrous results), etc. Heck, I've even tried approaching some guys. And none of it has worked.

I'm frustrating to deal with, but it's ALSO frustrating for me to be told that my experience and perspective of my own life is a lie. Or that I'm a liar. I mean, I ask you to explain yourself about how you could possibly know my life better than me, and you just say "BRICK WALL." Isn't that a bit hypocritical... aren't you also being a brick wall, in that you criticize me for something then won't explain it? If you don't want to explain it, then why bother mentioning it?

At any rate, my original question still stands. How can one improve themselves as a person when either they've reached the threshold of improvement, OR their improvements don't do anything for them? (And this DOES NOT have to relate to me.)

March 30, 2012

At any rate, my original question still stands. How can one improve themselves as a person when either they've reached the threshold of improvement, OR their improvements don't do anything for them? (And this DOES NOT have to relate to me.)

For me, making new friends and getting into new circles helps me broaden my horizons. For example, most of my girlfriends are hippie art girls like me, who travel the world on a shoestring and don't care about their outfits very much. But now I'm making the effort to make girlier friends who spend a lot of time on their clothes and hair. If you flatter them (sincerely) about their style, they love to help. You are like a naked paper doll to them, and they know just how to dress you. And in general, they are just sooo nice to me. They totally pump me up and point out what's sexy and great about me that I might not be so aware of myself.

I've also expanded my horizons and met some great new people through volunteering, business networking, and accepting invitations to things I normally would not.

If you want different results, mix it up and try some different things. It can be hard and stressful, but it's always worth it.

Edited March 30, 2012 by Ruby Slippers

March 30, 2012

I'm curious--what specifically did you learn about men that helped you? The answer you give could be helpful for both genders on here....

I'll think about this and respond later.

March 30, 2012

I would argue that I am ALREADY getting the most I can out of life. It's just that the most I can get is... not that much.

I have tried out advice I've found on this forum. I've gone to therapy, I do my make-up every day, I watch countless youtube videos on hair styles (which I try to replicate with disastrous results), etc. Heck, I've even tried approaching some guys. And none of it has worked.

I'm frustrating to deal with, but it's ALSO frustrating for me to be told that my experience and perspective of my own life is a lie. Or that I'm a liar. I mean, I ask you to explain yourself about how you could possibly know my life better than me, and you just say "BRICK WALL." Isn't that a bit hypocritical... aren't you also being a brick wall, in that you criticize me for something then won't explain it? If you don't want to explain it, then why bother mentioning it?

At any rate, my original question still stands. How can one improve themselves as a person when either they've reached the threshold of improvement, OR their improvements don't do anything for them? (And this DOES NOT have to relate to me.)

Keep plugging away. Keep going to the gym. Keep making the effort to look nice and keep flirting. Figure you are going to be single for a while so you might as well enjoy it.

There's no magic pill that we are hiding from you V.

I don't deny you are still lonely or that men don't respond to you the way you would like. BUT I do wish that, for once, you would take a break from your self-pity party--for a few seconds anyway--and consider for a moment that there are (gasp) people who are worse off than you.

You think you have pain and rejection? I know someone whose husband--the only man she has ever been with--left her for someone else. After 30 years of marriage. She is in her 50's. I'm sure internally she has to be dealing with some serious hurt and anger but on the outside she is being an amazing trouper.

Unlike her, you are still in your 20s, have no divorce and no kids to deal with now.

A really good friend of mine is in her late 30's, beautiful inside and out, and has had horrible luck with men that has lasted a good decade. She even got an FWB to "tie her over". But she kept looking nice, kept going to the gym, kept enjoying her life as a single woman, kept going to yoga. She is now dating a great guy who adores her.

Edited March 30, 2012 by Imajerk17

March 30, 2012

Keep plugging away. Keep going to the gym. Keep looking nice and keep flirting.

I don't deny you are still lonely or that men don't respond to you the way you would like. BUT I do wish that, for once, you would take a break from your self-pity party--for a few seconds anyway--and consider for a moment that there are (gasp) people who are worse off than you.

You think you have pain and rejection? I know someone whose husband--the only man she has ever been with--left her for someone else. After 30 years of marriage. She is in her 50's. I'm sure internally she has to be dealing with some serious hurt and anger but on the outside she is being an amazing trouper.

Unlike her, you are still in your 20s, have no divorce and no kids to deal with now.

A really good friend of mine is in her late 30's, beautiful inside and out, and has had horrible luck with men that has lasted a good decade. She even got an FWB to "tie her over". But she kept looking nice, kept going to the gym, kept enjoying her life as a single woman, kept going to yoga. She is now dating a great guy who adores her.

I've never understood this perspective... that because someone, somewhere, has it worse than you, you're not allowed your emotions.

We all have our crosses to carry, and I don't think one person's burden is necessarily worse than anyone else's. Yes, someone else might have a crappier job than me, but they also have a loving and supportive family. Someone might have bad luck with men like me, but they have fantastic friends. Etc. Trying to play the "you only get pity if you have the worst situation" just doesn't make sense.

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Why come up with all these excuses and not just focus on being the best person?

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