Why come up with all these excuses and not just focus on being the best person?

[joystickd]

I hear men complain about feminism, women wanting tall men, they want my money, etc. I see women complain about men preferring porn over women, men wanting younger women, men cheating, etc. When will the pity party end and the focusing on being the best person begin. No one wants a bitter person for a partner. You all can say " I don't act like that when I meet someone", but it shows in your actions. We shouldn't let the BS someone in the past did to us dictate how we treat new people in our life. Also if you keep repeating the same thing only to get the same outcome the problem is YOU.

[zengirl]

An excellent question. I suspect because it's easier and more comforting in the moment to blame someone/something than to change, grow, and improve your life.

[ThaWholigan]

I hear men complain about feminism, women wanting tall men, they want my money, etc. I see women complain about men preferring porn over women, men wanting younger women, men cheating, etc. When will the pity party end and the focusing on being the best person begin. No one wants a bitter person for a partner. You all can say " I don't act like that when I meet someone", but it shows in your actions. We shouldn't let the BS someone in the past did to us dictate how we treat new people in our life. Also if you keep repeating the same thing only to get the same outcome the problem is YOU.

People are surprisingly quite comfortable with their powerlessness, either that or they have magnified their fears to the point where they feel it's a fruitless task to even pursue self-expansion of any kind.

 

Of course, they also cede control of their own minds and let it run away with them, feeding their subconscious with ridiculous theories that supposedly justify why things are going wrong and how it ties into their failings. It's not healthy to fixate on ones failings or attribute blame of those failings to everything else.

 

Luckily I have many real life examples of people who maintain their balance and equilibrium despite many setbacks. I'm fortunate enough to have the fortitude to develop the determination to follow suit. I can only try and be an example to others and demonstrate that it can be done.

[MrNate 2.0]

For many people, embracing the familiar is comfortable for them. So getting them to change and grow can be one of the hardest things to ever do.

 

I guess the crazy part is that 99.99% of the time, it is the solution to the problem.

[Ruby Slippers]

You are totally right, of course. I spent a lot of time since my last breakup feeling sad, angry, and bitter. Of course it didn't get me anywhere. But honestly, that was the best I could do at the time. I felt overwhelmed with fear, doubt, and darkness, and it took major, committed effort to will myself out of it.

 

Now I'm writing my first online dating profile ever, and am going to take some photos for my profile soon. In spite of some people's negative experiences with it, and my trepidation about jumping into the arena, right now I'm feeling excited and hopeful about the possibilities.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Luckily I have many real life examples of people who maintain their balance and equilibrium despite many setbacks.

 

 

Wholigan, could you chare some of those examples?

[joystickd]

Even these threads about multidater are stupid. Why judge someone because they multidate? Its their choice not yours. Hell you don't even have to date them.

The main thing that kills me is the people that complain about having a hard time about finding someone. The use every excuse to explain why they can't find no one. It goes from I'm ugly, they want someone more attractive or even the whole porn argument. The universal thing about these threads is when someone says something that is a grain of truth they resort to cheap shots. Hell I have even got accused of personal attacks when I pointed out things someone actually said. The sad part is the things they said showed that the problem was them not anyone else.

[Feelsgoodman]

I hear men complain about feminism, women wanting tall men, they want my money, etc. I see women complain about men preferring porn over women, men wanting younger women, men cheating, etc. When will the pity party end and the focusing on being the best person begin. No one wants a bitter person for a partner. You all can say " I don't act like that when I meet someone", but it shows in your actions. We shouldn't let the BS someone in the past did to us dictate how we treat new people in our life. Also if you keep repeating the same thing only to get the same outcome the problem is YOU.

You need to understand that most people treat his forum as entertainment. The 'gender war' banter is what makes this board so amusing.

[joystickd]

Carol Adrienne - The Power of Acceptance

 

Check out the part about addiction to struggle

[Ruby Slippers]

I just updated my sig in honor of this thread.

[joystickd]

You need to understand that most people treat his forum as entertainment. The 'gender war' banter is what makes this board so amusing.

In a way yes but some come to vent and get the constant sympathy for their pity party. The gender war banter is counterproductive to a Dating Forum.

[Feelsgoodman]

In a way yes but some come to vent and get the constant sympathy for their pity party. The gender war banter is counterproductive to a Dating Forum.

This forum can't be productive in principle (if by productive you mean people giving and receiving valuable advice about dating). Look at the 'regulars' who post here. Most of them can't get their own dating life in order...they are certainly in no position to give advice to others.

 

I've noticed that this board has three primary uses:

 

1) a 'personal journal' that some people (usually women) use to share the minute details of their dysfunctional dating lives;

 

2) a platform for ranting and voicing frustrations about the dating scene in general; and

 

3) a source of endless amusement and entertainment.

[joystickd]

This forum can't be productive in principle (if by productive you mean people giving and receiving valuable advice about dating). Look at the 'regulars' who post here. Most of them can't get their own dating life in order...they are certainly in no position to give advice to others.

 

I've noticed that this board has three primary uses:

 

1) a 'personal journal' that some people (usually women) use to share the minute details of their dysfunctional dating lives;

 

2) a platform for ranting and voicing frustrations about the dating scene in general; and

 

3) a source of endless amusement and entertainment.

 

 

Actually the experiences they talk about on here in some ways can help someone going through or have not yet had those same experiences. I see some turn it into a space to vent or whine and some into a soapbox.

[USMCHokie]

Why come up with all these excuses and not just focus on being the best person?

 

Because that takes effort.

 

Also, I was having a conversation with another member today about why people get stuck in these "ruts"...and I came up with this as one of the possible reasons, as it certainly applies to me:

 

It's about your ego. If you have believed for so long in something, or spent your life blaming someone else, you'd rather continue believing that and suffer the consequences than take action and realize you were wrong the whole time. For me in particular, one of the reasons I can't kick my belief is that I've spent so many years believing it and blaming women that if I were proven "wrong," I would have essentially wasted all those years...I refuse to believe that this entire time, women might actually have been interested in me and that it's my fault that I started dating so late...

 

No, I refuse to believe it, so I continue on my ways...

 

And I think SD suffers with that same issue...

[Feelsgoodman]

Actually the experiences they talk about on here in some ways can help someone going through or have not yet had those same experiences.

I guess that's true to some extent. On the flip side, some posters give truly terrible dating advice that can actually harm, rather than help, inexperienced individuals coming here for help. I've noticed that instead of being honest, people would often say something they think is the politically correct thing to say.

[joystickd]

I guess that's true to some extent. On the flip side, some posters give truly terrible dating advice that can actually harm, rather than help, inexperienced individuals coming here for help. I've noticed that instead of being honest, people would often say something they think is the politically correct thing to say.

I'm honest and I'm scum or even abusive for it lol. Sometimes the truth hurts

[Ruby Slippers]

For me in particular, one of the reasons I can't kick my belief is that I've spent so many years believing it and blaming women that if I were proven "wrong," I would have essentially wasted all those years...I refuse to believe that this entire time, women might actually have been interested in me and that it's my fault that I started dating so late...

 

No, I refuse to believe it, so I continue on my ways...

Better to figure it out now than when you're in the autumn of your life and can't do much about it. Let you of your pride (which isn't doing you any favors) and grow. That's what I'm trying to do.

[Million.to.1]

Look at the 'regulars' who post here. Most of them can't get their own dating life in order...they are certainly in no position to give advice to others.

 

 

i think that is a tad unfair. I have received great advice from regular posters here, but also alot of projection. It always going to go both ways.

It's easier sometimes to offer advice when you can stand back and be objective. And giving good advice doesn't mean having to be perfect yourself.

Giving advice is cathartic. It's makes you reflect from your higher self. The self you would like to be/feel, and it can be useful to the one receiving and the one giving.

 

I love that link on acceptance OP.

Edited March 29, 2012 by Million.to.1

[joystickd]

Because that takes effort.

 

Also, I was having a conversation with another member today about why people get stuck in these "ruts"...and I came up with this as one of the possible reasons, as it certainly applies to me:

 

It's about your ego. If you have believed for so long in something, or spent your life blaming someone else, you'd rather continue believing that and suffer the consequences than take action and realize you were wrong the whole time. For me in particular, one of the reasons I can't kick my belief is that I've spent so many years believing it and blaming women that if I were proven "wrong," I would have essentially wasted all those years...I refuse to believe that this entire time, women might actually have been interested in me and that it's my fault that I started dating so late...

 

No, I refuse to believe it, so I continue on my ways...

 

And I think SD suffers with that same issue...

Its not a waste of time. You are wasting your time if you don't step out of that comfort zone. I had that same thought and I realized at some point it was my fault I started so late. On some level it is your fault because we shouldn't let those bad experiences affect us to the point we have negative mindsets. I look at guys like you and think you don't want it bad enough. If you did you WOULD believe it.

[johan]

Some guys, whether they actually approach women or not, feel a lot of anger when a woman they desire does not show interest. Some of those guys like Ross and Somedude turn that anger inward and get depressed. Other guys turn that anger outward at the world.

 

The safest way to do that is to turn it onto something amorphous, like feminism or capitalism or communism or another race or all of the above.. something which you can, with little imagination, blame for pretty much anything you want.

 

Feeling lonely? Feminism did it. It doesn't matter that women are pretty much the same as they ever were. That relationships are really no worse now than they ever were. Divorce is more common, but it's probably almost always better than the marriage would have been.

 

It's in their genes to feel so much anger. And maybe it's how they were raised: mom jumped to attention with every whimper, reinforcing the idea that the world really will provide you anything you want and the most you'll ever have to do is complain.

 

The problem is when you're an adult, that stops. Freebies are fewer and farther between. So the reaction is to complain more and louder and with more force. And to escalate that until hopefully the world will relent. A woman might coincidentally show up, but chances are none will. The guy hopefully realizes it was a losing strategy all along, and he would have been better off adopting a better attitude from the start. But in the meantime, he's a full-grown problem child.

 

LS handles the depressed guys pretty well. There is a fair amount of empathy and legitimate advice those guys could follow and climb out of their hole. They rarely take the advice, but then they also rarely cause problems to speak of.

 

LS does nothing for the outwardly angry guy. Empathy is impossible. If nothing else we just fan their flames with put-downs. Mostly because they show up here with their guns blazing from the start. We generally assume their behavior is just a pathetic weak tantrum-like response to the fact that life is just a bitch sometimes. Probably more empathy would make things go more smoothly. But sooner or later both sides are going to realize LS has very little to offer a guy in that state of mind.

 

There is no escaping the fact that the platitudes ultimately are all true: put yourself out there, show a happy face, think positive, it's a numbers game, if you're short you can overcome that with a positive outlook, it's all on you, pull yourself up by the bootstraps, if at first you don't succeed, try try again, etc.

[joystickd]

I look at the female pity party on here. I can't get a man blame the sex industry for making men want to stay home and masturbate. They even create standards of beauty that are so tough to keep up with. Men are pu**y because they won't approach me. I'm not hot enough so men won't talk to me. I just have male friends to meet my emotional needs because all men in my age group want younger women so they can have sex. All men cheat.

 

Its funny to me the things both genders say on here to avoid even taking some reflection on themselves about their dating woes. Doing that shows maturity.

[Ruby Slippers]

I look at the female pity party on here. I can't get a man blame the sex industry for making men want to stay home and masturbate. They even create standards of beauty that are so tough to keep up with. Men are pu**y because they won't approach me. I'm not hot enough so men won't talk to me. I just have male friends to meet my emotional needs because all men in my age group want younger women so they can have sex. All men cheat.

 

Its funny to me the things both genders say on here to avoid even taking some reflection on themselves about their dating woes. Doing that shows maturity.

I hear you. But I think it's also important that we listen to each other. I have learned a lot from the men's complaints on here. Seriously, being able to talk with men online who have the security of anonymity, and hear what they REALLY think, is gold. And I think some of the guys learn from the women who express what hurts them, too.

[Million.to.1]

I hear you. But I think it's also important that we listen to each other. I have learned a lot from the men's complaints on here. Seriously, being able to talk with men online who have the security of anonymity, and hear what they REALLY think, is gold. And I think some of the guys learn from the women who express what hurts them, too.

 

Hallelujah!

[RedRobin]

I'm reminded of a saying my father and I like to laugh about...

 

"If it weren't for valid stereotypes, prejudice wouldn't exist."

 

I've rarely read a rant here (in whatever form it takes) from either men or women that didn't have some grain of truth to it.

 

To the extent that each individual wants or needs to latch on and obsess about one thing that is (probably legitimately) impacting their ability to reach their goals may keep them from moving forward...yes.

 

However, acknowledging the truth of something and talking about it isn't necessarily an excuse nor is it an insult... it is simply an acknowledgement of the hurdles one might have to cross in order to reach one's goals... and perhaps their frustration in being able to do so.

[joystickd]

I'm reminded of a saying my father and I like to laugh about...

 

"If it weren't for valid stereotypes, prejudice wouldn't exist."

 

I've rarely read a rant here (in whatever form it takes) from either men or women that didn't have some grain of truth to it.

 

To the extent that each individual wants or needs to latch on and obsess about one thing that is (probably legitimately) impacting their ability to reach their goals may keep them from moving forward...yes.

 

However, acknowledging the truth of something and talking about it isn't necessarily an excuse nor is it an insult... it is simply an acknowledgement of the hurdles one might have to cross in order to reach one's goals... and perhaps their frustration in being able to do so.

When you constantly talk about same thing it becomes an excuse