dsw31 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Hello everyone, I'm new to these forums.I'll try to sum it up as much as I can... Dated a guy for almost 3 years,on & off.I cheated on him 1 time within the first 5 months of us dating, with a man who WAS my best friend.(I have lost him as a friend because I wanted to work things out with the ex)Well anyway,he suspected that I cheated that night & I denied it for so long,that I actually began to believe my own lie.I finally came clean & regret it with all of my heart.I would never cheat on anyone again! So moving forward a few months,my bf (now ex) began his own cheating spree.I found out he was talking to multiple girls & supposedly just masterbating to them,knowing he could have them if he wanted.I'm sure he probably had sex or, atleast took a few of them on dates but, this is all he has admitted to doing. So after I found out about his little sex addictin,we broke up again.Everytime we broke up, he'll call, text, email with nonsense about missing me or just little inside jokes to keep me on the backbuner,I guess. So we'd start hanging out (every night) & eventually kind of be together but, not really be together.He told me that after I cheated on him,all he wanted to do was have sex with every girl possible.He said that our relationship could never be the same but I chose to believe we could make it work.Well I was wrong!It got so bad that he started despising everything about me & actually said I am too obsessed with him.We finally broke up again(last week) & I am just devasted! He wants us to be friend but,I know that's not possible.I can't bear the thought of him with someone else so I chose to do NC.I even told him why I can't have contact with him. Well-today I broke contact & I really regret it.I told him that I hope he dies for all the pain he has caused me.I said "I can't believe I was so foolish to want someone who clearly doesn't want me.I am disguisted with myself & I see why you devalued me-because I actually wanted you after all you put me through"His reply-"I am sorry for all the mean things I have done to you & I know you deserve someone much better than me.I am in pain too."I replied telling him that " he is not in pain,he got what he wanted(freedom to have multiple sex partners) & I hope he gets aids & dies"He says he is sad & depressed but why?Why is he depressed when he wanted out & I finally gave in to giving up? I guess no one will know for sure but,it feels good to get some of this off my chest.I feel so sick constantly & am feeling suicidal (even though I would NEVER actually do it)I know time is the only real healer & I'm sure everything happens for a reason but still.... I am bitter,depressed,insecure & hate people now! He truley screwed me up! I think I need therapy but can't afford it.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 ...I hope his wickerwacker shrivels up and falls off. 1
cflowers32 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 You are not alone, I am relatively new here too. Hang in there, do the NC as best you can, if you stumble, come back!!!! This place has been my salvation. We officially broke up last night, and I am hurting badly. I loved him very much, he was a good boyfriend and now, today, I am reflecting on things that I knew about him, and I know this... He doesn't know how to be alone and when he doesn't like something, he finds "something else" to make it better. His last girlfriend dumped him, he moved out of his own house, got back to his house after she finally left after a year, then as soon as he got back he adopted a dog (because he wanted something to love and love him back), and then he met me. I asked him, "don't you feel like you need more time to heal over what you went through", and I listened, ok, this is how you do it. Well, it is partly my fault, I moved out because I work fulltime, also a college student, I have an X husband who's a jealous @sshole that didn't like the fact I had a boyfriend, and I wanted to move out to take stress off of us. That didn't work for him, however, I did not want to lose him and I truly loved him. Hmm... Keep coming back. PLEASE don't go back there!!! It sounds like you two are just going to keep going through hell back and forth with each other and one of you should get off the hamster wheel. I don't have a lot of faith in "love" right now, but you will get over this, there will be someone else, and you will heal. BTW, welcome, this site has, truly been supportive and helpful. My very best to you!! 2
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 You are not alone, I am relatively new here too. Hang in there, do the NC as best you can, if you stumble, come back!!!! This place has been my salvation. We officially broke up last night, and I am hurting badly. I loved him very much, he was a good boyfriend and now, today, I am reflecting on things that I knew about him, and I know this... He doesn't know how to be alone and when he doesn't like something, he finds "something else" to make it better. His last girlfriend dumped him, he moved out of his own house, got back to his house after she finally left after a year, then as soon as he got back he adopted a dog (because he wanted something to love and love him back), and then he met me. I asked him, "don't you feel like you need more time to heal over what you went through", and I listened, ok, this is how you do it. Well, it is partly my fault, I moved out because I work fulltime, also a college student, I have an X husband who's a jealous @sshole that didn't like the fact I had a boyfriend, and I wanted to move out to take stress off of us. That didn't work for him, however, I did not want to lose him and I truly loved him. Hmm... Keep coming back. PLEASE don't go back there!!! It sounds like you two are just going to keep going through hell back and forth with each other and one of you should get off the hamster wheel. I don't have a lot of faith in "love" right now, but you will get over this, there will be someone else, and you will heal. BTW, welcome, this site has, truly been supportive and helpful. My very best to you!! you moved to appease your ex husband??? you have to live for YOU. I wonder if your new ex felt threatened by that and felt he would always be in your ex husband's shadow. Does your ex husband have to be privy to what you are doing in life? 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 You are not alone, I am relatively new here too. Hang in there, do the NC as best you can, if you stumble, come back!!!! This place has been my salvation. We officially broke up last night, and I am hurting badly. I loved him very much, he was a good boyfriend and now, today, I am reflecting on things that I knew about him, and I know this... He doesn't know how to be alone and when he doesn't like something, he finds "something else" to make it better. His last girlfriend dumped him, he moved out of his own house, got back to his house after she finally left after a year, then as soon as he got back he adopted a dog (because he wanted something to love and love him back), and then he met me. I asked him, "don't you feel like you need more time to heal over what you went through", and I listened, ok, this is how you do it. Well, it is partly my fault, I moved out because I work fulltime, also a college student, I have an X husband who's a jealous @sshole that didn't like the fact I had a boyfriend, and I wanted to move out to take stress off of us. That didn't work for him, however, I did not want to lose him and I truly loved him. Hmm... Keep coming back. PLEASE don't go back there!!! It sounds like you two are just going to keep going through hell back and forth with each other and one of you should get off the hamster wheel. I don't have a lot of faith in "love" right now, but you will get over this, there will be someone else, and you will heal. BTW, welcome, this site has, truly been supportive and helpful. My very best to you!! PS; great analogy, the hamster wheel; it is very, very true.
cflowers32 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 you moved to appease your ex husband??? you have to live for YOU. I wonder if your new ex felt threatened by that and felt he would always be in your ex husband's shadow. Does your ex husband have to be privy to what you are doing in life? No WAY!!! If there were the case BB, I would have never embarked on a relationship and moved in with my BF. I knew he was going to be an ass, but I wasn't going to NOT LIVE MY life knowing that he was going to be an ass about. And you know, my X husband is that much of a crap-bag, that compared to my XBF, I'm not sorry I gave it a run. F*ck the X-husband!! No, I live for me. I moved because of the fact that I worked full time, a college student, I had no space to really decompress, his house was too small for everyone including the dog and I needed to do it for me and as well, I didn't want us to end with me losing my mind, I was overwhelmed. I was hopeful that this would have made things better, he had things he needed to take care of, and I did still love him, still do... I hoped it would work out. Oh well... I appreciate your wanting to me to see some perspective, but I get it, and you know what? It's different for everyone; breakups, love, marriage, relationships, sex, etc. What is one way for you, is not one the same way for another and everyone has to walk their own walk and learn their own lessons. C'est la vie and all that junk. 1
Author dsw31 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Thank you Bewitched & Cflowers! You guys are awesome! Glad you are here but also sorry that you are here. The most pitiful part of all of this is that I just want him back. I know it's crazy.I know I must have issues to still love someone who could hurt me so bad but,I'm being honest. He has told me multiple times that he loves me & IF he ever wanted a commited relationship or a woman to bear his child,that it would be me. He just wants to have sex with other women.I am truley crazy to want him! I am sitting in my car & crying right now.I hate this!!!
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 No WAY!!! If there were the case BB, I would have never embarked on a relationship and moved in with my BF. I knew he was going to be an ass, but I wasn't going to NOT LIVE MY life knowing that he was going to be an ass about. And you know, my X husband is that much of a crap-bag, that compared to my XBF, I'm not sorry I gave it a run. F*ck the X-husband!! No, I live for me. I moved because of the fact that I worked full time, a college student, I had no space to really decompress, his house was too small for everyone including the dog and I needed to do it for me and as well, I didn't want us to end with me losing my mind, I was overwhelmed. I was hopeful that this would have made things better, he had things he needed to take care of, and I did still love him, still do... I hoped it would work out. Oh well... I appreciate your wanting to me to see some perspective, but I get it, and you know what? It's different for everyone; breakups, love, marriage, relationships, sex, etc. What is one way for you, is not one the same way for another and everyone has to walk their own walk and learn their own lessons. C'est la vie and all that junk. You are strong and can do this! I am proud of you. 1
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Thank you Bewitched & Cflowers! You guys are awesome! Glad you are here but also sorry that you are here. The most pitiful part of all of this is that I just want him back. I know it's crazy.I know I must have issues to still love someone who could hurt me so bad but,I'm being honest. He has told me multiple times that he loves me & IF he ever wanted a commited relationship or a woman to bear his child,that it would be me. He just wants to have sex with other women.I am truley crazy to want him! I am sitting in my car & crying right now.I hate this!!! I wish mine used me for sex. He was flaccid much of the time and could barely perform. I'm glad it didn't work out; I have no patience for that crap. He was a jerk and couldn't even give me good nookie. He blamed me for his impotence, by the by. But I digress. I wonder if what you miss is what he used to be in the beginning; the way all cock-knocks are at first, they are swoon-worthy individuals, but then they change. So honorable of him to place you at the top of his list, just in case he is in the market for someone to bear his child. the bastard made you cry. No fool is worth that. What is that old saying...No man is worth crying over, and the man who is worth crying for, won't make you cry...Not sure I got that correct, but the point is, a good, decent man won't act like your ex, or my ex or CFlower's ex, know what I mean. Cry it out of your system, but I am here to pull you up by your bra straps and point you in a better direction. In time, you will heal. And that dude will get his comeuppance.
blindesided Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 And you know, my X husband is that much of a crap-bag, that compared to my XBF, I'm not sorry I gave it a run. F*ck the X-husband!! No, I live for me. I swear we are living the same life:) My EX -husband is the biggest a**hole on the planet! - you know just to give perspective here - when I read posts like how you feel about your Ex or what you would say to your Ex- my ex husband doesnt even cross my mind. That actually gives me some sort of comfort knowing that if I can get over a 17yr marriage & be happy - then I can get over this recent relationship too. Although my irrational part of me says I wont ever be over the pain of this one & it certainly doesnt help like in your situation - everything seemed so great & then out of the blue - the bomb was dropped. At least with the ex husband - it was a slow painful decline (cheating - his part & drinking problem) not that it didnt hurt going through it -but this one seems to be harder to get over & I wonder why? 1
budley12 Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 hey there dsw. I was in a very similar situation. dated my ex for 3 years (we were each others firsts). I too cheated at the beginning and from that point it was unhealthy because he never truly trusted me again. He then cheated to get back, and then I cheated yet again to get back at him. It was very unhealthy, and at the time I was not comfortable with being with another guy, so there was that aspect as well (the sneaking around and living a secret life). At a certain point though we decided we had enough and we both fell in love and stopped the cheating. After a year of bliss my ex started going down a different path and we were becoming distant. A mutual friend then got involved and decided to hook my ex up with a friend of hers, so she told my ex that I cheated again (which I didnt do)... but that was the last straw. Now my ex is with another guy and they are officially dating on facebook (a stage we never got to, because I was afraid to be open). I think my ex is loving life without me and it hurts so much. I hope he has a case of GIGS and will one day realize that the love we had for one another was very strong after we had gotten through our rough spot. He dumped me 4 months ago and I started NC 8weeks ago... and here I am still obsessing over it =(
cflowers32 Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 I swear we are living the same life:) My EX -husband is the biggest a**hole on the planet! - you know just to give perspective here - when I read posts like how you feel about your Ex or what you would say to your Ex- my ex husband doesnt even cross my mind. That actually gives me some sort of comfort knowing that if I can get over a 17yr marriage & be happy - then I can get over this recent relationship too. Although my irrational part of me says I wont ever be over the pain of this one & it certainly doesnt help like in your situation - everything seemed so great & then out of the blue - the bomb was dropped. At least with the ex husband - it was a slow painful decline (cheating - his part & drinking problem) not that it didnt hurt going through it -but this one seems to be harder to get over & I wonder why? Because the XBF was that much better than the Xhusband. I still hate my Xhuband, we'll NEVER be friends because of what a crap bag he is. I am friends with many of my X's, and I can GUARANTEE YOU, that he and I will never be friends, MY CHOICE!!! He sucked bad, BUT, I also learned what I DID NOT WANT in my future relationships. My XBF, he's not a bad person, I know we'll end up friends eventually. He was a very kind, caring, supportive guy and he made a choice. I don't agree with it, but I have let him go. I need to do that for me.
cflowers32 Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Thank you Bewitched & Cflowers! You guys are awesome! Glad you are here but also sorry that you are here. The most pitiful part of all of this is that I just want him back. I know it's crazy.I know I must have issues to still love someone who could hurt me so bad but,I'm being honest. He has told me multiple times that he loves me & IF he ever wanted a commited relationship or a woman to bear his child,that it would be me. He just wants to have sex with other women.I am truley crazy to want him! I am sitting in my car & crying right now.I hate this!!! PLEASE keep coming back here. Even if you slip, I promise you, we'll help you get through this. I have been where you're at many, many, many years ago (I'm in my early 40's now), and today I know how unhealthy that is. That relationship is going to drag you down, and you know what???? YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!!!!! There is a better man out there waiting for you and you know what??? By staying with this jerk, you're going to miss that one. Get off the wheel!!! And I say that with noting but encouragement. You can do this, you will feel better and I promise you... You found this guy, and you know what? There is another one out there who will treat you better than this. This isn't love, and I'm sorry you're torn, I think we all understand that here at LS. One day at a time, it gets better. Bookmark this web site, check in, post to us, post to other people, helping others will also help you. You can do this!!!!!!!! 1
blindesided Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Because the XBF was that much better than the Xhusband. I still hate my Xhuband, we'll NEVER be friends because of what a crap bag he is. I am friends with many of my X's, and I can GUARANTEE YOU, that he and I will never be friends, MY CHOICE!!! He sucked bad, BUT, I also learned what I DID NOT WANT in my future relationships. My XBF, he's not a bad person, I know we'll end up friends eventually. He was a very kind, caring, supportive guy and he made a choice. I don't agree with it, but I have let him go. I need to do that for me. I was saying that about my situation too - that I know that is what makes it harder to get over someone - knowing that deep down they are a good person - it wouldve almost been a little easier if there were fights or problems. I think that is what I am having the toughest time dealing with - the loss of a great guy & being jealous of whoever he ends up with - knowing she got one of the "good ones" - ugh it just sucks 1
Author dsw31 Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 Thanks for your input Blindsided, I can totally relate to what you're saying.I know deep down my ex is a good person too. The thing we have to remember is that 99% of the time,he will probably do the same thing with his next girlfriend.(Atleast that's what I keep telling myself anyway)
SilverBlueAndGold Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 PS; great analogy, the hamster wheel; it is very, very true. The saying I like is "Somebody has to be the first to leave the asylum" 2
Frank13 Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 You cheated on him and then wonder why he is like he is? Of course the relationship was doomed when you cheated on him. He has self respect and he isn't a doormat. Before hating him and hoping he dies, look at what caused this. Sure he is depressed. He is depressed that you two should have worked out until you killed any chance of that with your cheating. He could never trust you again .
Author dsw31 Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 B&B, What I meant to say was college girl porn & 18,19 year old porn. Just as bad as teen porn if you ask me,lol. Frank, I really do appreciate your reply & I understand my mistake.I learned a tremendous lesson from that & I would never do it to anyone again.It was all my fault that I cheated & I realized that I did it because of my own issues.I learned alot from it but SOME people do change.I did change.I am forever sorry for it. Maybe this is selfish of me but, I feel like he should have left me alone along time ago if he was not willing to forgive me for it. Instead, he strung me along & dragged out the worst of me.I am not making any excuses for my actions but, I would like to say that even though I am only 31,he was only my 2nd relationship so, I guess I learned my lesson alot later than someone who had lots of relationships in their 20's.Maybe that's the only thing I can take with me from this-I learned that cheating is NEVER acceptable! 1
NewYorker2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 dsw, I'm not in a place to give great advice, but from what I've read, it sounds like you both have/had some issues that you need(ed) to sort out. As Frank mentioned, cheating on him was a mistake and it's great that you acknowledge that and have learned from it. If you care to share, what do you believe caused you to do that, and what has changed that you are certain something like that won't happen again? You are right though...if he wasn't going to forgive you for it and be able to move past it, he should have ended things right then and there. Perhaps he tried and really wanted to let it go but simply couldn't. On the other hand, I sincerely doubt that your cheating on him suddenly spurred his desire to sleep with so many other women. That urge was going to come to the surface one way or another. As for his desires to sleep around...yeah, some guys feel that way. Perhaps he just hasn't experienced enough and is curious and wants to see what else is out there. It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care about you, but perhaps that urge is just overpowering his willingness to settle down right now. Men and women are simply different in some regards and, deny it as much as we want, men have evolved to desire multiple sex partners. Eventually most of us see that can't fulfill you emotionally and you grow up and want to settle down with someone you love. I've had that phase of my life and have moved past it...though I didn't see that I was completely over that until meeting the ex that led me to this site. It was the first time in a long time I'd considered marriage again and had, until recently, been generally satisfied focusing on my career and more casual relationships. If he wants to run around with numerous women, I doubt there is much you can do to change that and I think you should try to move on from this and not waste time waiting for him to decide he is ready for you. You deserve and can find better.
budley12 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 i feel you dsw. I too "cheated" but mine is a bit more complicated. My ex also blamed the breakup on the cheating (which was at the beginning of our relationship). If it hurt him that badly then why did he say he forgave me and stayed with me? After thinking about it more, I think it is just our ex's coming up with an easy excuse on giving up on the relationship. I believe my ex was just looking for a reason to end things and then just out of the blue brought back the cheating issue. Love sucks =(
Author dsw31 Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 (edited) dsw, I'm not in a place to give great advice, but from what I've read, it sounds like you both have/had some issues that you need(ed) to sort out. As Frank mentioned, cheating on him was a mistake and it's great that you acknowledge that and have learned from it. If you care to share, what do you believe caused you to do that, and what has changed that you are certain something like that won't happen again? You are right though...if he wasn't going to forgive you for it and be able to move past it, he should have ended things right then and there. Perhaps he tried and really wanted to let it go but simply couldn't. On the other hand, I sincerely doubt that your cheating on him suddenly spurred his desire to sleep with so many other women. That urge was going to come to the surface one way or another. As for his desires to sleep around...yeah, some guys feel that way. Perhaps he just hasn't experienced enough and is curious and wants to see what else is out there. It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care about you, but perhaps that urge is just overpowering his willingness to settle down right now. Men and women are simply different in some regards and, deny it as much as we want, men have evolved to desire multiple sex partners. Eventually most of us see that can't fulfill you emotionally and you grow up and want to settle down with someone you love. I've had that phase of my life and have moved past it...though I didn't see that I was completely over that until meeting the ex that led me to this site. It was the first time in a long time I'd considered marriage again and had, until recently, been generally satisfied focusing on my career and more casual relationships. If he wants to run around with numerous women, I doubt there is much you can do to change that and I think you should try to move on from this and not waste time waiting for him to decide he is ready for you. You deserve and can find better. Newyorker, Thanks for your input too.It touched me & I thought about it all night.I do realize that I have some deeper issues that I need to deal with.He has also admitted that he has issues too. I will tell everyone why I cheated & why I would never do it again soon.I will start a post about it later today so, hopefully you'll get a chance to read it. It will be titled - "I AM THE CHEATER WHO CHANGED" I am also so grateful to you for explaining your thoughts about how some men are just not ready to settle down until they meet that 1 person who changes their mind & they realize they are unfulfilled with casual sex relationships.What kills me is that my ex told me that when we first met, he claimed that NEVER thought about other girls until I shattered that.Part of me believes that I really ruined that but, part of me believes what you said about "his cheating coming to the surface at some point anyway".I guess I'll never really know but, I have learned alot from this relationship & I guess that's what it's all about.Everyone comes into your life for a reason & I will find my perfect match someday.I just want the instant gratification damnit! I want it now!My eggs are shriveling up! Lol. Edited March 30, 2012 by dsw31
Author dsw31 Posted March 31, 2012 Author Posted March 31, 2012 (edited) Newyorker, Thanks for your input too.It touched me & I thought about it all night.I do realize that I have some deeper issues that I need to deal with.He has also admitted that he has issues too. I will tell everyone why I cheated & why I would never do it again soon.I will start a post about it later today so, hopefully you'll get a chance to read it. It will be titled - "I AM THE CHEATER WHO CHANGED" I am also so grateful to you for explaining your thoughts about how some men are just not ready to settle down until they meet that 1 person who changes their mind & they realize they are unfulfilled with casual sex relationships.What kills me is that my ex told me that when we first met, he claimed that NEVER thought about other girls until I shattered that.Part of me believes that I really ruined that but, part of me believes what you said about "his cheating coming to the surface at some point anyway".I guess I'll never really know but, I have learned alot from this relationship & I guess that's what it's all about.Everyone comes into your life for a reason & I will find my perfect match someday.I just want the instant gratification damnit! I want it now!My eggs are shriveling up! Lol. UPDATE-I answered the question of why I cheated & why I would never do it again in my post titled. "When 2 Narcissists Collide." Basically the short answer to those questions are - insecurity made me do it. Consequences made me learn my lesson. I hope my post can bring about some interesting discussion on the topic. Edited March 31, 2012 by dsw31
Recommended Posts