SO with money problems is upset that I won't let her move in. Am I being a jerk?

[serial muse]

I think she opened the door for you to say what you need to say (even if she's hoping you won't say it).

 

Sounds like there are a lot of incompatibilities in this relationship, even without all the drama. Yes, sometimes problem-solvers have to put aside that need to learn to just listen. That's a great relationship skill to have.

 

But compared to the guilt trip habit she seems to have, that is really a minor thing. Putting her failure to get matched to a Med School at your feet is over the line. It sounds to me like she's got a history of looking to/guilting other people to solve her problems. The dental stuff is rough, true, but you are not obligated to let her move in out of guilt, and you are not at all being a jerk by not wanting her to move in. That is definitely the right call. I think you would find yourself in the position of a rescuer who would come to really resent her, too.

 

I think your best move at this point is to be direct - don't dangle the carrot of maybe moving in someday, particularly as you said you aren't really interested in a LTR with her at this point. Let her go her own way, and maybe she will learn to stand on her own two feet.

[soserious1]

Is there a gentle way of giving her that sort of an ultimatum? If she gets in and doesn't go then we are done period. In fact if she gets in and tells me she's staying I think that'll be the final straw.

 

Based on your last post, you are not ready to make the kind of commitment this young woman is looking for.

 

I'd sit her down & just tell her this is an unfortunate timing thing, you are both at major life crossroads, you do care for & about her but that you will not ready to make the kind of serious commitment she's looking for & that you think it best if you both made a clean break now to focus on your respective life paths.

[serial muse]

Was going to add (but I like what soserious said too):

 

 

You could just tell her that while you care about her, you've realized that you want most to focus on your career at this point, and you hope she'll do the same, and that you think that's best for her. (And it sounds like you do.)

[TaurusTerp]

If she gets in, wont she be moving away anyhow?

 

A couple points on both sides of the argument, and some advice if you're going to help her through re-application:

 

1. She can but probably wont get a normal job because med schools want to see health-related or service activities (ie, Peace Corp) in your years after college. Most of these jobs pay **** unless she has an engineering degree. So its maybe not her feeling too good for walmart but rather the jobs aren't conducive to her goals.

 

2. Dont take any blame for her mcat. That's a joke. You were in a 5 month relationship, and frankly if that was enough to derail her she doesn't belong in medicine. There were girls in my class that broke up with boyfriends of 5 Years and had family members die, and they all soldiered on. Medical school really isn't for the emotionally fragile. It is NOT your fault in any way; it would be unfair to both of you to stay in the relationship.

 

3. Your timeline and wording is bizzare. There is no "match day" for getting into medical school - people get accepted at different times, up until August even. Match day is for people applying to residencies after medical school. It sounds like she applied late, though. She needs to apply the DAY primaries open and have secondaries in quickly if she chooses to reapply, and interview early and everywhere.

 

Don't move in with her. Terrible idea, as everyone else has said. I hope the advice above is useful if you decide to stay with her.

[zengirl]

But compared to the guilt trip habit she seems to have, that is really a minor thing. Putting her failure to get matched to a Med School at your feet is over the line. It sounds to me like she's got a history of looking to/guilting other people to solve her problems.

 

I agree with this as well. OP, if you were dumping her purely because she has a few problems and you didn't want to be supportive, that may be wrong, but this really seems like a case where there is nothing wrong with you realizing that the WAY she deals with her problems makes her incompatible to you. It is not your fault she failed her class or your responsibility to not tell her the truth before the MCAT (I mean, breaking up with her the night before she took it out of the blue would be wrong, but your intention of "hanging in there" through a whole MCAT season is actually not expected and inordinately thoughtful of you). It sounds like y'all are not well-matched and you bailing her out of these things would create greater long-term problems.

[Els]

Is there a gentle way of giving her that sort of an ultimatum? If she gets in and doesn't go then we are done period. In fact if she gets in and tells me she's staying I think that'll be the final straw.

 

I don't think you should be giving her any ultimatums, so much as just telling her nicely that you don't think this is gonna work.

[mbiac]

Would it be wrong to tell her that as much as I enjoy spending time with her we need to refrain from making any long term plans and that I'd like to take a step back and just enjoy ourselves? That way I am at least giving her a say in it.

[veggirl]

Would it be wrong to tell her that as much as I enjoy spending time with her we need to refrain from making any long term plans and that I'd like to take a step back and just enjoy ourselves? That way I am at least giving her a say in it.

 

What's the point? She doesn't want that. She wants a full-fledged, onward and upward relationship with you. Plus, "let's take a step back and enjoy each other" sounds like a demotion to FWB. Just break up with her, this relationship isn't healthy and she seems very manipulative and passive-aggressive.

[january2011]

Would it be wrong to tell her that as much as I enjoy spending time with her we need to refrain from making any long term plans and that I'd like to take a step back and just enjoy ourselves? That way I am at least giving her a say in it.

 

No, that would be giving her hope that you will change your mind. She will still pin her hopes on an LTR with you and make all her decisions based on that. And you get to play the nice guy. But you haven't really broken up with her. All you've kinda sorta done is dropped hints.

 

If you are adamant that this is not the LTR for you, then you do not want to be wishy washy about this not working out. Make it quick and clean in a neutral spot. The relationship is not working out. You've given it a lot of thought. You're not going to change your mind. If she pushes, insist that you are not going to get into a long drawn out discussion to hash and re-hash the why's. Be respectful, firm and calm.

 

There will be tears and tantrums - you must stick to your guns. As brutal as it sounds, this might actually be the shock to the system she needs to take more responsibility for her own life.

[AriesBunny]

Would it be wrong to tell her that as much as I enjoy spending time with her we need to refrain from making any long term plans and that I'd like to take a step back and just enjoy ourselves? That way I am at least giving her a say in it.

 

You are leading her on now. Do not do this.

[soserious1]

Would it be wrong to tell her that as much as I enjoy spending time with her we need to refrain from making any long term plans and that I'd like to take a step back and just enjoy ourselves? That way I am at least giving her a say in it.

 

You need to be clear & straight with her.

 

You care about her.. but you don't care about her to the level of "oh darling please don't go to NYC to go to med school, stay here with me" kind of way. Furthermore, the guilt trip & emotional manipulation she's employed during these discussions has caused you to rethink the entire relationship & it's clear the two of you would be better served by going your separate ways

 

You tell her that, softly, respectfully but in a very clear manner, before the discussion make sure you have any/ all belongings she's got at your place bundled up.

 

Do NOT think you can kind of demote her to a FWB & enjoy a casual relationship.. just end it.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I've been in a very similar situation as yours, and unfortunately like you I felt obligated because I was sympathetic to her life struggles and dealing with passing the MCAT as well as matching and going on interviews.

 

You have to remember that this is not your responsibility and your obligation, she got here by herself for herself, just because she can't do what is best for herself doesn't obligate to sit around and be unhappy in her life. I know this after looking back at my life, while I didn't leave during this time much like you did I get dragged far longer than this because it was always...."once she passes her MCAT's I'll leave" then it turned into..."after her matches"...then "after her interviews"..then "after she places, hell she might even have to move to the other side of the country"...but it just became one thing after another.

 

She basically guilt tripped me whenever I tried to leave and made it how important It was and selfish of me to leave her during this time and that she had enough to deal with. The fact of the matter is If I left she would have had to deal with her problems regardless and she would have...she wouldn't just croak over and die but at the time I felt like she needed me so much and I became such a significant part of her life that I had to stay for her.

 

Anyway, unlike your situation though she was very responsible and hard-working, this girl would scrub at toilet If she had to, she had no shame in it and believed that It didn't matter what It took to reach your goals, which I loved about her...she didn't feel "entitled" or "better" than anyone else even though she went to best schools in the country on a free ride. So In that regard I knew she could handle herself, however emotoinally I was still very scared because even though she was good at life and school, she wasn't really emotionally sound, I had way more fortitude and stability in that regard than she did...I am level-headed like you and think things through and didn't want to jeopardize myself.

 

So in your situation looking back, you should definitely just move on. This girl sounds unreliable and she's used to depending on people to get through her struggles, she'll never learn If you just take on the load. You're kind of having to be the grown up, she's already exhausting her resources with her dad and she did this with her own dad then I'm sure she's pushed him as well. Don't become her crutch, I know you care about her but you don't have the time and energy with this one, she'll suck you dry...get a nice girl with her **** together that's more optimistic and isn't a damsel in distress....there's a lot of women out there and you're a young guy, this is not what you need on your plate right now and don't do what I did and forced it and take on the responsibility, she'll survive...don't let her guilt trip you into abandoning her, that's her issues and you're not her dad or family, let them help her she's been getting by all these years without you, she'll get by without you again, trust me.

 

Cut it off completely, pull the plug, any thread you give this girl she'll come back into your life and try to dominate it and spin the same ole game on you again regardless of whether she says she'll change or has changed, people don't change over-night, especially at this age.

 

She's going to be upset and hurt, and crying...that's the way it goes, can't prevent that.

Edited March 28, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas

[Leigh 87]

In spite of her flaws and bad aspects to her, sometimes love and your feelings can override it.

I had bigger issues than your girlfriend, and my boyfriend stuck by me, let me move in, and tried to help me. Because he loved me and wanted to be with me. Sometimes, you have a " feeling" about a girl; them having issues, if you have the right feeling with them, will not stop you from wanting to be with them.

 

Or, on the other hand, you could like this girl, romantically speaking, very much, as much as u can like any girl; your just simply not ready for a long term committment, unless the girl really has her sh*t together. You have simply worked too hard, and have no time, literally, to delegate time on fixing someone's problems.

 

Whatever the reason, you are not ready to be with her, and I hope you have told her this. She sounds like an intelligent girl, with her med degree, and has a lot of promise if she works on herself, personally and profesionally. Let her go, because if she sorts her life out, she will find a guy who DOES want a long term thing with her.

It is always hard to let someone go, but it is actually doing her a disservice, holding on to her; you are preventing her from finding a guy who DOES want a long term relationship with her.

[kaylan]

We have a bit of a history. This girl and I dated for a little less than 5 months from April-Aug and I ended up calling it quits because I started picking up on the fact that we wanted different things and our values were a bit too different. At I made my decision to break up with her she was studying for her MCAT which I knew was a big deal. I had planned to keep the relationship together until the MCAT but she could tell something was wrong between us and I opened up to her about how I didn't think this was going to work. That's gotta be the worst time to ever get dumped but I felt like honesty was the best policy.

I respect you for trying to let her get through her entrance exams first, but you are right, honesty is best. She brought it up, so you couldnt lie.

In November we reconnected and hit things off. We saw each other every now and again and next thing I knew she was my NYE date. Things were going very well and she'd made some positive lifestyle choices (quitting smoking, trying to be more tidy, trying to be more frugal, etc.) and these things were all bothersome before so I've been optimistic.

So far so good.

 

However in February she was not accepted into Medical School on Match Day which absolutely crushed her. She didn't outright say 'this is partially your fault' but she's implied it several times since and stated outright that the emotional trauma of losing me caused her to fail a class and do worse than she'd have liked on her exam.

Since she's graduating in April I started brainstorming of options in case she didn't hear back from the school or get on their wait list in an attempt to show her that the future wasn't so bleak. She can either go to graduate school or take more classes to raise her GPA to re-apply to some other med schools next year.

You cannot control her study habits. While I understand how hard it is to focus on school during heartbreak (ive been there), she should have been strong willed enough to realize how important it was to stay on the ball and ace her classes and MCAT.

 

Things were pretty solid and then her financial situation started getting rough. She bought a car 'because she needed one for med school or to get a job' and almost simultaneously her dad cut her off of the $300 a month he'd been giving her to help for school. Meanwhile she's working in a lab 10 hours a week ($10/hr) and living off financial aid. She mentioned in passing that her lease was up in August and we may want to consider living together, to which I replied "I'd thought about this and I'll give it some thought".

I understand people need cars in certain areas. Did she buy a reasonably priced used car? I hope she didnt buy a car that she had to put payments on. She should of just bought any old junker until she was more on her feet.

 

And then she started having dental problems. Years of no medical/dental insurance have caused some issues. She had an extraction over the summer and now she needs to have a root canal among other things and that's left her devastated because she has no financial means to get care. I looked up everything I could in terms of state aid, medicaid, researched dental schools and even dental vacations to Mexico to get things done at a lower price but she says none of those things are available/feasible. She's been waiting for a month to get into a dental school about a hundred miles away to which I said I'd go with her despite it being on a weekday and now she wants to cancel because it's only an evaluation visit and there is no telling that they will be able to treat her or that she can afford it.

Dude, I have a friend who hasnt to the dentist in almost 2 years and she has impeccable teeth. Though she is going in for a cleaning next month she said. Either way, this girl apparently stays on top of her oral health, despite not going to the dentist like she should. It sounds like your girlfriend isnt paying much attention to her body. It also sounds like shes making excuses for why she cant get things done with her mouth.

 

She can easily get on a medicaid backed healthplan if shes struggling financially and not making a truck load of money. Then she can find a local dentist to see her and the copays arent expensive I dont think. A couple people I went to college with did that. They were completely independent from their folks and making their way through college on their own. They had jobs, and loans, but needed insurance, so medicaid covered things.

 

Its a waste of money for her to travel all over the place for this. Public assistance exists for a reason. Shes a person in need, tell her to go to the local social services office and get this squared away. And for the love of god, DO NOT go on any medical vacations. Getting work done in another country may be cheap, but its dangerous. What happens if there are complications, or she chips a tooth or something and needs a follow up visit? More wasted money...and then if you decide to go local after that, its risky having so many different doctors all up in your mouth.

Then we had the conversation about moving in together. I told her flat-out that I didn't think the time is right. I work from home with a roommate of mine in a new house that I just moved into. I think mixing my friendship/work with a girl (two cats and a dog) is a terrible idea and will put strain on the friendship/business and therefor my future. She expressed that she didn't think that was going to be the case and was annoyed that I made an 'executive decision' about the matter instead of 'trying to work out a compromise'.

Dude, you guys havent been dating long enough where moving in right now would be a good idea. I understand she needs help, but you have valid reasons for not wanting to do so right now. However, if she does have absolutely no where else to go, I think a good bf/gf should invite their partner to stay with them.

I love this girl and I really want to help; I'm trying to be constructive and help her but she doesn't want that and instead wants me to acknowledge the magnitude of her problems and 'just listen'. But that's not who I am. I'm a problem solver. And I can't handle her moving in with me which is what she wants and what she thinks is her sole way out. She says she has enough money to feed and shelter herself through the end which is very unfortunate and I feel terrible about but not terrible enough for me to change my mind. She's asking for a timeline to move in with me and I can't give her one.

I understand bro. She seems like someone who just really needs help and is looking for others to get her out of her situation. Nothing wrong with that, but she does need a guy like you to show her how to truly help herself first.

To top it all off her mother has made a few poor decisions recently that have now resulted in an eviction so she can't go live with her mother.

What about dad? or other relatives?

Sorry for rambling but this is putting an enormous strain on an otherwise healthy relationship. I'd hate to think about leaving her in her time of need but I'm 24 and I don't need all this grief in my life. Does that make me a real jerk? I am trying to help her get her life under control but she's not making decisions that I think are wise and I will not let her problems become my problems.

 

Anyway, I needed someone to talk to about this so I appreciate this forum and it's users for letting me get this off my chest.

I understand youre young and stressed. Ive had to deal with stress at a young age myself(im 25). But I do think that if you care about this girl a lot and see a future with her, that youll be more willing to open your arms to her.

 

Feel me?

 

Take this day by day. You need to make her understand that you want to help her, but that she must be proactive about certain things and make smart decisions in her life.

[Feelsgoodman]

In spite of her flaws and bad aspects to her, sometimes love and your feelings can override it.

I had bigger issues than your girlfriend, and my boyfriend stuck by me, let me move in, and tried to help me. Because he loved me and wanted to be with me.

And how did it work out for him in the end?

[spookie]

I disagree with the majority opinion that she is a trainwreck. She probably could have handled some things better, but it's hard to be a student with not much support, especially if she'd been counting on more. She's on her way to becoming a doctor for christ's sake - that's pretty impressive in my book.

 

Honestly, with you already in the working world, I would think, if you really cared about her, you would be able to offer her a lot more support. You wouldn't have a problem trusting her to move in temporarily, or even helping her out with some bills. My friends were able to do that much when I was in her situation, and I would gladly have done the same for an SO.

 

You have a pattern of bailing when things get rough, which indicates to me you are not ready to be in a serious relationship, or don't like her enough. Either way, let her go.