mbiac Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 We have a bit of a history. This girl and I dated for a little less than 5 months from April-Aug and I ended up calling it quits because I started picking up on the fact that we wanted different things and our values were a bit too different. At I made my decision to break up with her she was studying for her MCAT which I knew was a big deal. I had planned to keep the relationship together until the MCAT but she could tell something was wrong between us and I opened up to her about how I didn't think this was going to work. That's gotta be the worst time to ever get dumped but I felt like honesty was the best policy. In November we reconnected and hit things off. We saw each other every now and again and next thing I knew she was my NYE date. Things were going very well and she'd made some positive lifestyle choices (quitting smoking, trying to be more tidy, trying to be more frugal, etc.) and these things were all bothersome before so I've been optimistic. However in February she was not accepted into Medical School on Match Day which absolutely crushed her. She didn't outright say 'this is partially your fault' but she's implied it several times since and stated outright that the emotional trauma of losing me caused her to fail a class and do worse than she'd have liked on her exam. Since she's graduating in April I started brainstorming of options in case she didn't hear back from the school or get on their wait list in an attempt to show her that the future wasn't so bleak. She can either go to graduate school or take more classes to raise her GPA to re-apply to some other med schools next year. Things were pretty solid and then her financial situation started getting rough. She bought a car 'because she needed one for med school or to get a job' and almost simultaneously her dad cut her off of the $300 a month he'd been giving her to help for school. Meanwhile she's working in a lab 10 hours a week ($10/hr) and living off financial aid. She mentioned in passing that her lease was up in August and we may want to consider living together, to which I replied "I'd thought about this and I'll give it some thought". And then she started having dental problems. Years of no medical/dental insurance have caused some issues. She had an extraction over the summer and now she needs to have a root canal among other things and that's left her devastated because she has no financial means to get care. I looked up everything I could in terms of state aid, medicaid, researched dental schools and even dental vacations to Mexico to get things done at a lower price but she says none of those things are available/feasible. She's been waiting for a month to get into a dental school about a hundred miles away to which I said I'd go with her despite it being on a weekday and now she wants to cancel because it's only an evaluation visit and there is no telling that they will be able to treat her or that she can afford it. Then we had the conversation about moving in together. I told her flat-out that I didn't think the time is right. I work from home with a roommate of mine in a new house that I just moved into. I think mixing my friendship/work with a girl (two cats and a dog) is a terrible idea and will put strain on the friendship/business and therefor my future. She expressed that she didn't think that was going to be the case and was annoyed that I made an 'executive decision' about the matter instead of 'trying to work out a compromise'. I love this girl and I really want to help; I'm trying to be constructive and help her but she doesn't want that and instead wants me to acknowledge the magnitude of her problems and 'just listen'. But that's not who I am. I'm a problem solver. And I can't handle her moving in with me which is what she wants and what she thinks is her sole way out. She says she has enough money to feed and shelter herself through the end which is very unfortunate and I feel terrible about but not terrible enough for me to change my mind. She's asking for a timeline to move in with me and I can't give her one. To top it all off her mother has made a few poor decisions recently that have now resulted in an eviction so she can't go live with her mother. Sorry for rambling but this is putting an enormous strain on an otherwise healthy relationship. I'd hate to think about leaving her in her time of need but I'm 24 and I don't need all this grief in my life. Does that make me a real jerk? I am trying to help her get her life under control but she's not making decisions that I think are wise and I will not let her problems become my problems. Anyway, I needed someone to talk to about this so I appreciate this forum and it's users for letting me get this off my chest.
zengirl Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I think you do have a responsibility, as a SO, to simply listen to her problems and not always try to problem-solve if that's what she's requested, but by no means are you being a jerk for resisting the move-in. 3
Els Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I don't think it makes you a jerk, but I do think it demonstrates that you aren't ready for an LTR. IMO, people in committed relationships do what they can to help each other out, assuming that the other person is also trying to help themselves (which is what she sounds like she's doing) and not taking them for granted. I would absolutely help a SO out if he was in your gf's situation. However, this isn't reaaaaallly a potential LTR, is it? You guys have been off and on, and there seem to be several basic incompatibilities. In that case, I do think you're making the right decision. 1
Oxy Moronovich Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 The thing is, she doesn't really want you to listen to her problems. She wants you to agree with her. If she had asked, "Can I move in with you?" and you had said yes right away, she would not have said, "You can't say yes without listening to my problems first." Remember, you have indeed listened to her problems. You've tried to think of alternative ways for her to go to school and get work and find places to live as well as dental. You've written a pretty long story about her so obviously you have been listening to her problems. Therefore, I say do not beat yourself over the head over this. You're doing things out of guilt because you previously dumped her. But constantly doing things out of guilt is a bad way to have a relationship with a woman. It seems you want what is best for the both of you. However, she's guilt-tripping you to think that is not true. You should want to move in with someone because you believe it is best for the relationship. You shouldn't do it out of guilt. Since you realize it would be wrong for her to move in, it's best to stick with that decision. To take things further, question whether your relationship with her has long-term potential.
Lobouspo Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Beware of mooches...OP. They are all around......
AriesBunny Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I think you are taking responsibility as a SO. You can not always be ready to save her from herself. You two are different people and not married, so many things have to be worked out. Not getting matched on Match day is a big deal in her medical world. She is blaming you because you are the SO and the easy scapegoat. By no means are you being a jerk for resisting the move-in. You have to take care of yourself first and your SO a close behind.
mostlyclueless Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Is there really no compromise? Could you offer to let her stay with you for 1-2 months?
Author mbiac Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Is there really no compromise? Could you offer to let her stay with you for 1-2 months? She stays the night here about 4 days a week. If I worked in an office and lived alone that would be one thing but I run a small business from home and live with my business partner. I've been working on building this business for the past three years and I think that it would over complicate things to mix work and pleasure that way since undoubtably there would be disagreements between my SO and my business partner/friend. I could be wrong here but if I'm not then once I make the decision there is no going back. I'm not going to allow my girlfriends problems to become my business partners problems.
january2011 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 You don't like the way she does things and she blames you for her problems. She needs to take personal responsibility for her life and you need to learn to stop fixing everyone else's problems for them. You've already done a lot to support her and in the meantime, when things go wrong, you get blamed. Regarding the 'executive decision' - it's your space, plus you have a roommate - she's being awfully presumptious about something that she doesn't even pay for and that you share with someone else who is not her. I agree with Elswyth's post. I'm sorry, but I don't see the LTR potential in this relationship.
veggirl Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Is there really no compromise? Could you offer to let her stay with you for 1-2 months? Bad idea. She won't leave. She is blaming you for her not getting into med school? That is really fked up. She sounds like a mess. She can't find ANY job better than $10/hr for TEN HOURS A WEEK? Seriously? Walmart would be better than that. Doesn't she have friends she can roommate with? Thankfully this won't be an issue til August right? When her lease expires?
Author mbiac Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 However, this isn't reaaaaallly a potential LTR, is it? You guys have been off and on, and there seem to be several basic incompatibilities. In that case, I do think you're making the right decision. Exactly. I told her that in a year if we're both happy then we can discuss moving in together. But I don't like to rush into things, nor do I like being dragged into things against my better judgement because I need to 'compromise'.
Oxy Moronovich Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I'd like to add this: a relationship should be an emotional pleasure. Not an emotional strain. You haven't even gone out with her a full year and there is too much strain. It was a struggle when you first dated her. It's a struggle now as well. Your relationship with her isn't on the right path, OP. It never will be. It's break-up time. 2
AriesBunny Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I could be wrong here but if I'm not then once I make the decision there is no going back. I'm not going to allow my girlfriends problems to become my business partners problems.This is a good view to have. You are trying to build a business and she is going to be a downer. I agree with Elswyth's post. I'm sorry, but I don't see the LTR potential in this relationship.I have to second this. I think she is looking for a white knight and guilting you into being one. Exactly. I told her that in a year if we're both happy then we can discuss moving in together. But I don't like to rush into things, nor do I like being dragged into things against my better judgement because I need to 'compromise'. You are running a business and you should separate the business and pleasure. You can not unilaterally make a compromise with her when you have a business partner.
InJest Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Do not budge an inch on this. If you let her move in, your business is finished. Tell her that you're not even considering moving in with someone until your business is well off the ground. Tell her that's the timeline, and she can take it or leave it. You're not being a jerk and she sounds selfish and controlling. Whatever you do, don't let her force her way in.
Els Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Exactly. I told her that in a year if we're both happy then we can discuss moving in together. But I don't like to rush into things, nor do I like being dragged into things against my better judgement because I need to 'compromise'. Sounds good, though if I might ask, do you foresee that happening? (the happiness bit) If you let her move in, your business is finished. While I agree with his decision, this statement seems slightly presumptuous. Okay, that was an understatement. A man cannot possibly live with a woman and keep a business running at the same time? What is impossible for you might not be for others.
Author mbiac Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Bad idea. She won't leave. She is blaming you for her not getting into med school? That is really fked up. She sounds like a mess. She can't find ANY job better than $10/hr for TEN HOURS A WEEK? Seriously? Walmart would be better than that. Doesn't she have friends she can roommate with? Thankfully this won't be an issue til August right? When her lease expires? Right now I have enough money to feed and shelter myself until the end of April. She doesn't think she can do school and earn an extra $500 a month somewhere so she's not very open to the idea. Unfortunately a lot of people in my age group feel very entitled and aren't open to the idea of working a job that they find 'demeaning' IE WalMart. My current outlook is that this is a make it or break it time for us. It's harsh but she needs to get her life in order and I can't help her with it other than doing things I've already done.
InJest Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 While it is a presumptuous, exaggeration it's not far off the mark. A girl with her attitude is going to need to be the center of attention and I can guarantee she will cause friction between the OP and his business partner. Personal friction between business partners is going to be a detriment to any business..particularly a fledgling business. What is impossible for you might not be for others. Now, who's being presumptuous? I'd never be dumb enough to even consider straining my business at the demand of a selfish, underachieving mooch, so whether it's possible or not, for me or anyone else is irrelevant.
Els Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 While it is a presumptuous, exaggeration Cool, if you admit it as such, there's nothing more to be said. Cheers.
Author mbiac Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Do not budge an inch on this. If you let her move in, your business is finished. Tell her that you're not even considering moving in with someone until your business is well off the ground. Tell her that's the timeline, and she can take it or leave it. You're not being a jerk and she sounds selfish and controlling. Whatever you do, don't let her force her way in. Thanks. That's exactly what I did last night. It did not go over well. She cried quite a bit. Sounds good, though if I might ask, do you foresee that happening? (the happiness bit) While I agree with his decision, this statement seems slightly presumptuous. Okay, that was an understatement. A man cannot possibly live with a woman and keep a business running at the same time? What is impossible for you might not be for others. No. I don't think it's going to work out. I need a way to start distancing myself from her but unfortunately she's in a really bad situation and I'd hate to end things without her on her feet. My concern is that she is going to get an acceptance letter soon and decide to stick around anyway for my sake. She's mentioned this and how she's happier with me than she would be at medical school. I think Injest is referring to the strain of living with my business partner. Her moving in will create conflicts that will bleed into work although she doesn't think they will.
soserious1 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 A few thoughts come to mind here. 1. You haven't even been dating this young woman for a year & you broke things off with her once already because you & she were not compatible. 2. You've made a commitment to yourself & your business partner, you've got a start up to grow here! Just moving this gal & her pets in would be a mistake as you've already sensed.Her insisting that she be allowed to just land at your place shows a really great insensitivity or regard for your business partner's feelings... this is a big red flag. 3. Think about this rationally, you ended a very brief dating relationship last fall & only after she pushed you into doing so. Unless you did this the night before her MCAT exam how on earth is it your fault that she scored miserably? The emotional blackmail aspect of all of this should be a huge red flag to you. You gave her a very well thought out, mature decision. I would keep repeating that answer to her as well as reminding her that August is several months away, give her support, remind her that you know she is smart enough, resourceful enough to prioritize her life issues & seek solutions. If she continues to hint that it's your fault she didn't get into med school, you're going to need to have a very serious conversation that will either end the relationship or get her thinking & behaving more like a rational adult. Whatever you do, don't ignore your gut instincts & just let her move in, IMHO it'll be nothing but a train wreck.
InJest Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 This girl isn't going to be on her feet for a looong time. I think it is a good idea to distance yourself from her, and see if anything improves. If it doesn't then just end it, and tell her she can blame you for her problems and failures as much as she would like, but nothing will change for her until she takes responsibility.
Feelsgoodman Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 First of all, you are nuts to even consider moving in with this chick. Why would you want her problems to become your problems?? Second, as a general rule, it's a bad idea to move in with a woman unless you are 99.9% sure that you will be proposing to her in the near future.
Els Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 No. I don't think it's going to work out. I need a way to start distancing myself from her but unfortunately she's in a really bad situation and I'd hate to end things without her on her feet. My concern is that she is going to get an acceptance letter soon and decide to stick around anyway for my sake. She's mentioned this and how she's happier with me than she would be at medical school. If that is the case, then I think you would be more 'guilty' if you did not let her go now, rather than later. If you see it as inevitable, it would be far more responsible to tell her now than to do so after she has turned down med school to be with you. Please do so ASAP.
Author mbiac Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Now, who's being presumptuous? I'd never be dumb enough to even consider straining my business at the demand of a selfish, underachieving mooch, so whether it's possible or not, for me or anyone else is irrelevant. Lets be clear that it isn't even a consideration for me. I've worked for 3 years to get things where they're at for me professionally. I'm not going risk throwing that away. I told her that even if it did work out perfectly with her moving in the risk of it not working out is too great to take it. When we got back together there was more or less an expiration date on the relationship - summer. I think several people have mentioned that I'm not in a position for this serious of a relationship and they are right. I am more open to the idea of a long term relationship than I was at the beginning of this but after the nuttiness of this month that I've had to endure I'm considerably less open to it. What could I have done wrong to mislead her into thinking I'd be settling down with her after only a few months? Did I let her stay at my place too much? Oh, another tidbit: During our 12:30-2:00am conversation last night she tells me that she needs to make the decision about if/when she is accepted in Med School if she stays here or goes to another city for school. This is the "decision that will shape the rest of her life" and therefor she needed the commitment on when we can live together so that she can make her decision. Of course my lack of commitment led to tears but theres just no changing how I feel about the matter. I didn't want to put all of this into the original thread because I didn't think anyone would read it but you guys are absolutely great - thanks for the replies.
Author mbiac Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 If that is the case, then I think you would be more 'guilty' if you did not let her go now, rather than later. If you see it as inevitable, it would be far more responsible to tell her now than to do so after she has turned down med school to be with you. Please do so ASAP. Is there a gentle way of giving her that sort of an ultimatum? If she gets in and doesn't go then we are done period. In fact if she gets in and tells me she's staying I think that'll be the final straw.
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