thewanderer Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Hi! My ex and I broke up two years ago. He was the dumper. It was a nasty breakup and I let him know on numerous occasions how much I detested him and his cowardly actions. My words were so brutal that I figured I would never be hearing from him again. Trust me, he deserved it. Interestingly this has not deterred him from initiating contact with me periodically. Kind of bugs me because he acts like nothing bad ever happened. Maybe he's not such a bad guy for at least trying to keep the peace. I dunno! I finally decided to just be nice to him back and try to forgive him as much as possible. I guess you would say we're on friendly terms now, but admittedly, some of it is an act on my part. Like they always say, you never really forget what a certain person did to you even if you do manage to forgive. It's a mix of unconditional love and anger really. I continue to be quite competitive with my ex, which I guess you could say means I'm not over it. This past Christmas he sent me a Christmas card that I could tell he bought individually at the store as it had a price on the back. He had clearly picked it out for me. It actually pissed me off a bit though because he was a bit reminiscent in reminding me about a trip we took for Christmas about two years ago as written in the card. All the same I sent him a Christmas card and a magazine with an article he would be interested in. Too nice I know, but I thought he would appreciate it and I was going to throw it away anyway. As much as he hurt me I still care for him and still feel confused because sometimes I wish it would have worked out because I really do love him unconditionally, but then I think about some things about him that are really lame and annoying and I think, wow, I really can do so much better than this guy! So my feelings go back and forth even after two years of not being together. Just being honest! One thing about us is that our birthdays are two days apart and are coming up in a few weeks. If I am indeed going to keep up any contact with this guy then it seems it would be my turn to wish him a happy birthday first since his is two days before mine and last year I did not bother to wish him a happy birthday, but he wished me a happy birthday (although I think he was confused about the date, dumbass!). Then I think about the Christmas card he sent and I feel like well maybe it's my turn. But then again I haven't heard from him since Christmas and I wonder if he might be dating someone more seriously now. Sounds like he had a few flings that didn't go anywhere. Probably contacts me when those don't work out! As a matter of fact, the longest relationship he ever had was with me and that was 1.5 years. He is almost 36, attractive, educated, and with a good job. Red flag, right? Major commitment issues I think. He acted like he wanted to marry me eventually. The weird thing was that he sent me two forwards around Halloween and later primarily addressed to a particular girl (with a horrible name!) but he blind carbon copied me on them and perhaps other people too. But I think this was kind of stupid on his part because I feel he was not respecting this girl's privacy. I mean if I were some kind of freak I could have emailed her and said "Just so you know, this guy is an ass!" I mean it's stupid to mix possible girlfriends and ex girlfriends up. I mean maybe she's just a friend. Hard to really know. I thought maybe he was subtly trying to make me jealous because I had seen him over the summer and I ended up getting cozy with a neighbor friend of his. Wasn't really intending to try to get back at him, it's just that me and this guy had a major attraction going on and it could not be helped. I was single anyway! He didn't really act jealous, but one of my guy friends thinks that was just a show. But then again he doesn't want to be with me obviously! Soon after he dumped me I ended up telling him how me and this one guy (not the neighbor) went out and did some photography and had such a good time. Said I wasn't really into the guy, but I should have looking back, lol! He offered that he was jealous that I was hanging out with this guy and he said he would be jealous if he ever saw a picture of me with another guy. I wonder if this applies two years later? We stayed Facebook friends for a while, but I realized this was not a good idea because he put this picture up of himself at a nightclub with some really slutty looking girl (she was wearing a see through shirt and you could see her boobies!). Well I was disgusted so I deleted him as a friend and gave him a hard time about showing off like that. Then he blocked me even though I had unfriended him first! In a fit of anger I admit that I told him I would be happy to tell our mutual friends specifics on all the crap he did to me (I guess that's partly why he blocked me thinking I was going to write crap about him on his Facebook wall, but I had already unfriended him, so clearly, I wasn't serious in what I said and could not go around telling everybody about stuff when I had unfriended him!). Stupid Facebook! Yet, we still remain in some sort of contact. Thing is, I don't really feel like wishing him a happy birthday this year yet again. I don't like to make the first move with him ever, really. For a long time I have pretty much gone LC with him in that I for the most part only respond to him when he contacts me. For a short period of time I did contact him independently, but only to ask him advice on something or to rub it in his face how well I was doing and how I was traveling to cool places. He said he was very jealous of my travels. Good! Anyway, there's a chance he may contact me near the birthday so I don't need to stress about it, but then again it's probably my turn. The other thing is I don't want to give him an ego boost and contact him especially if he is dating the girl I mentioned. I'm not going to ask any of our mutual friends either. He and I both moved away from where we used to live and it would just be awkward. I guess if I don't wish him a happy birthday I may never hear from him again, which I guess I have mixed feelings about. In addition, he told me that his parents were always asking about me and then they ended up sending me a Christmas card and emails too, so I feel weird keeping in touch with them down the road but not him. I will admit that I'm not against keeping in some sort of touch should the opportunity come up to see each other in person in the future. That can be kind of interesting with exes I think. I have to say it was actually an ego boost for me to see him this past summer because I was looking damn good, lots of guys were hitting on me in his presence, and I had a mini romance with his neighbor. Sorry if this sounds shallow, but it was much needed after the crap he put me through! If I do wish him a happy birthday should I just keep it really short in an email such as "Happy Birthday!" or mention to him that it is our birthdays so it isn't exactly easy for me to forget haha?! Is there a way to approach this without looking too much like I really care? Maybe I'm making this more complicated than it is. I admit I have probably been too nice a lot of times and also when responding I was too forthcoming about things and sent long email responses. Obviously this whole thing is kind of a screwy situation and you all are probably thinking both me and my ex are totally nuts haha. I admit I'm rather on the obsessive compulsive side and constantly analyzing things and somehow this particular breakup has been more difficult than any of my others. I know he thinks he's normal, but he's not! I used to think he was a psychopath because in certain respects he lacks in empathy, but after doing some research I think he has more narcissistic tendencies. Thanks for reading my crazy story and I appreciate any advice offered! Great people on this forum!
Frank13 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Don't wish him a Happy Birthday. You need to forget about this guy and move on with your life.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Don't wish him anything but a nice life and see ya. No reason to keep in contact with each other/ what are his reasons? I am dumping you, but hey! Merry Christmas!!!! Seriously. He's not your concern anymore. 1
Author thewanderer Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 (edited) Thank you both for your input and taking the time to read my crazy story. You all are very right. I don't know why I remain so hung up on this particular relationship. I guess some pretty traumatic things happened that somehow messed with my head. Like I say, I am a bit OCD by nature, but things that transpired in this particular relationship really brought that out and I still feel traumatized from all that happened with this guy. I guess what I'm wondering now is what do I do if he contacts me again? In the past he had emailed me and I didn't respond so he ended up calling me and I talked to him. Then I warmed up to him and responded to his emails etc. I feel weird not responding at all, especially now that he thinks we're cool. Do I once again remind him how much he hurt me and that I'm not that comfortable with this "friendship" and to go to hell or just barely say nothing at all? I fear that if I remind of the hurt he caused me then I'll look unstable and like I'm still not over it, which like I say is true in some ways, but I don't want it to appear that way! Yes, I realize I need to move on. I guess I just have a difficult brain! Edited March 29, 2012 by thewanderer
Frank13 Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 I guess what I'm wondering now is what do I do if he contacts me again? In the past he had emailed me and I didn't respond so he ended up calling me and I talked to him. Then I warmed up to him and responded to his emails etc. I feel weird not responding at all, especially now that he thinks we're cool. Do I once again remind him how much he hurt me and that I'm not that comfortable with this "friendship" and to go to hell or just barely say nothing at all? I fear that if I remind of the hurt he caused me then I'll look unstable and like I'm still not over it, which like I say is true in some ways, but I don't want it to appear that way! Yes, I realize I need to move on. I guess I just have a difficult brain! He dumped you, he hurt you a lot, and you feel weird for not responding at all? That is what is called a doormat. If you want to be his doormat and let him wipe his feet all over you, then have at it. Respond to everything. Worry about how he might feel even though he dumped and hurt you. If on the other hand you have some self respect and want to get over him, go no contact. Ignore his emails and don't answer his calls. Better yet block his number or change your email and phone number so he can't contact you. The choice is yours. If you want him in your life and are willing to deal with the pain, then stay in contact. If you want to heal and move on, go no contact. If it helps to stay NC, you can always consider being friends in the future once you heal, however, usually by then you won't want to and there is nothing wrong with that. 1
Author thewanderer Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 Yeah, NC is probably the way to go, although I don't intend to change my phone number or email. It's not like he's harassing me right now. I deleted him from my phone and blocked him on gchat just to have a better sense that he's not in my life. The good news is that I never have the urge to contact him. At this point the only thing I would ever really like to have from him is a genuine apology (which has never happened because I guess he's in denial and perhaps a narcissist) or for him to regret his actions and to see what a good deal he in fact had with me. I know very well I am one of the nicest and loving girlfriends a guy could ever have, but maybe it's true that men love bitches, just like nice guys finish last. So what's this guy's deal and why has he tried to keep up with me 2 years post breakup? Not all dumpers do apparently. Is he a narcissist and just needs an ego boost every now and then? Is it because he in fact feels guilty in some way and this is how he works through his guilt? Is he trying to keep me around in case nothing else works for him relationship-wise? Or is he on some level a decent enough guy who might actually care about me as a friend? I can say for certain that he is a mixed bag of a person in that he does some very good things but also some pretty ****ty things and when it comes down to it is not a terribly supportive partner. Interestingly the bastard once said when we broke up that he didn't even think we would be ones to be friends if we weren't so attracted to each other. Yet he seems to want to be my friend now!
Itsonlyme66 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I think he should be the one to wish you a happy birthday. Maybe I'm too soft, but (and the others here know how I am I think) I probably would wish him one, but only if you want him around in your life. Otherwise, honestly, he dumped you, let's not forget..... so any effort should come from him, no?
light_vader Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 sometimes I wish it would have worked out because I really do love him unconditionally The only person you should love unconditionally ever, is yourself. There is no such thing as unconditional love for another person, that is an excuse for things-don't-work-out/there-are-several-flaws-in-the-relationship yet-I-decide-to-stick-around-because-I-ain't-worth-that-much, under the assumption loving another human means having to lower your self-esteem and let that person do whatever he/she wants with you, treating you any way they want, just because you love them "unconditionally". Yes, nobody will ever be perfect, but then you ask yourself if the flaws of the other person are MINOR and won't interfere with your own life and the necessary boundaries you have to set on your relationships. In your case, it seems this guy basically has crossed your boundaries, but yet you let him continue to do so. the longest relationship he ever had was with me and that was 1.5 years. He is almost 36, attractive, educated, and with a good job. Red flag, right? Major commitment issues I think. Why major flag? Because he's 36 and single? Or because he doesn't last long in relationships? We obviously now know, this isn't Mr Nice Guy, but if we barely knew about him (so take this from a generic point of view), then why would you have to last 2,3,4,5 years on a relationship to be considered without commitment issues? Or why would you have to be married at 30 as well? What if he was some emotionally smart guy who happens not to be looking on the right places so he hooks up with girls he just doesn't see himself spending some time around longer than months, because he loves himself and just wants the best for him, instead of sticking into long, painful 8 year relationships that end up bad or in a mood of "I'm just used to the other person, yet I'm not happy at this". Like I said, we know this is likely not his case, but I fail to see the red flag you mention, had you just met him. I feel weird not responding at all, especially now that he thinks we're cool. Do I once again remind him how much he hurt me and that I'm not that comfortable with this "friendship" and to go to hell or just barely say nothing at all? What is the point at all of trying to be friends with your exes? One thing is forgiving (from within), moving on, and then some time later being able to look that person to the eyes with no hatred, no resentment and just say "Hi" or "How are you doing?" and then continuing on your merry way. You were lovers, so imagine how weird it is to be friends with this guy and then he starts telling you details of his current romantic life or reviving old moments that now are gone? So, I think "Not responding at all" would be the best, specially, since you are still NOT over him and you're getting into this whole "let's be friends" bag mixed up with feelings of hatred, discomfort and else. 2
Author thewanderer Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 Thanks so much! I appreciate the honest and candid comments. Looking back, it's in fact strange to me that I could have loved someone with such different 'values' than myself. For example, I remember one weird conversation we had where he said it wouldn't bother him to kill a dog. I just thought that was very cold and unfeeling and like something a psychopath would say. But then I dismissed it and said he was just being tough. Denial I guess. And then in another conversation later on he told me how he thinks that rape a lot of times isn't real and that a lot of females just call that out for attention or to get back at guys. I was appalled by his thinking on this as well! That was pretty hard to dismiss and I don't know why he would say something like that. And then of course he's a homophobe, something that I certainly am not. He's also got racist tendencies. Geez as I write this I'm thinking what the F is wrong with me to have wanted to stick with a person who has opposite values and morals from me? He spent much of his time complaining about anything and everything. Hated his job, thought all of his friends were losers, was disgruntled with his family. I'm sure he was complaining about me behind my back as well. I always listened and supported him being the way that I am. Of course when I complained or was going through an issue he would tell me to get a grip and stop whining. Definitely was not a mutually supportive relationship. Yeah, I don't know for certain if it is a red flag to be 36 with a history of short-lived relationships, but I am suspect. This does not surprise me on his part. I can tell you that he constantly moves, changes jobs frequently, and is an adrenaline junkie - skydives, base jumps, flies airplanes, scuba dives you name it. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with these activities, it's just that there does seem to be a certain personality type that is attracted to such a lifestyle (not everyone) and some negative things can go along with this as well. He seems to be relatively normal upon meeting him - mild mannered, extroverted, charming, and a good sense of humor. Maybe I've never been able to let go of that guy I first met who seemed like such a great guy. Got to know him and realized he in fact was not. I guess he did me a favor by dumping my ass. I really wish I could get counseling for this issue but I do not have insurance and paying for counseling out of pocket is expensive. Someday, someday! Yeah, not responding seems like the best way to go. But when you don't respond doesn't that indicate that you might be angry with the person?
CopingGal Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I didn't wish my ex a happy birthday. I never will. In three years, my ex celebrated my birthday one time. He was just a complete bastard and I'm glad I'm rid of him.
light_vader Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Hey friend, and WOW. See, he really isn't what you're looking for, you're just out of self-love and were justifying being with him just for the sake of it. A proper professional or psychologist should be the best choice, but yeah, sometimes we don't think having a bad mental health should be treated the same way that physical illness/accident (by going to a professional!). But it's always good to let it all out and listen to others and maybe take a good thing here and there in the mean time. Well, to be totally honest, I think true forgiveness in the end is all about YOU. Now when I say forgiveness is about you, I refer to this: In your case (so to be specific), all the damage your ex did was just caused by you. Whether he's like that with everybody or not, had you staid with him the appropriate time (oh hi red flags, goodbye), you wouldn't had been hurt by his behaviour, because you would have had acted quickly, before anything serious had happened, like it did, repetitively apparently. So in the end it was you, and your excuses for him to be your partner, that got you in this place you are now, because you HAD the power to go on with your life and break a relationship that was going nowhere. Now you feel powerless and have a whole lotta mixed up feelings, because you decided unhappiness (in the form of your relationship with him) to take over your life. The biggest mistake we can make as humans, is to never learn from our mistakes. So, what's done is done, and you can't change the past, but you can learn from it to form a beautiful future for yourself. In the end, I think the ideal place for you to reach is one where you forgive yourself, for letting all those bad feelings take over you, for not loving yourself enough to break up with him, for not seeing the red flags, etc. And then, lesson learned you can, from within, feel nothing but positively towards your ex, and you can send that energy on his way. At this point you should be "cured" from this problem that was your breakup and THEN you should be able to, clear-minded, formulate a friendly response like "Thank you very much, Happy Birthday to you too". And that's it. BUT, right now, that mixed bag of feelings you're sporting on that beautiful back of yours... won't let you see things clearly. So better to stay away and ignore contact while you learn how to properly deal with it. And what if he thinks X or Y if you don't respond? That's not your priority. Your priority is always YOU, not what others think of you. With time you should be able to tackle on these situations easily just like you tie your sneakers. I think letting an ex back in one's life is a no go, for the reasons I explained before, but you should be able to just feel positive towards the person and also be thankful to them (yes, to them) for giving you the chance to learn a new lesson in life. We have so much love to give away, why waste our time feeling angry, sad, apathetic, worthless? Sometimes people with negative feelings come into our lives, if we let them stay long enough, sure we'll get hurt, but then always, always be thankful for this experience. Imagine what it would be like never to hurt? Then how could you really appreciate love, happiness, joy? Always keep that head up and bring happiness to your life, start by loving yourself, because you're totally worth it (we all are). Friend, sending some love your way, and may you have a great weekend 1
cflowers32 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Don't wish him anything but a nice life and see ya. No reason to keep in contact with each other/ what are his reasons? I am dumping you, but hey! Merry Christmas!!!! Seriously. He's not your concern anymore. He seriously sounds like my X husband, who I UNFORTUNATELY have a child with, and I hate him. He's tried to get back with me, he was a horrible husband. I actually had gotten to a point in the marriage where I was really tearing myself apart I was so miserable and he never wanted to meet me halfway, he's such a narcissist. He's tried to be nice too, he's suggested that we get back together and there IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER CONSIDER IT!!! He tries to be nice, but it is so shady. Tell him nothing!! Good riddance to bad rubbish. When I read your post it reminded me of my X husband, which by the way, is not why I am here. I had a recent break up from a guy I still care deeply about, and you know what? The entire time we were together my XDH was abusive the entire time, he was so p*ssed I moved on. And you know what? While I am not with the XBF, he was worth it. My XDH, is an idiot, if he dropped of the face of the earth (I'd feel bad for my son), but I wouldn't shed a tear. Forget about him, let him be an idiot and say thanks and shut the door, hang up the phone, don't send him a card... 3
Author thewanderer Posted March 31, 2012 Author Posted March 31, 2012 Thank you all so much. You are wonderful people!!!
Frank13 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 For example, I remember one weird conversation we had where he said it wouldn't bother him to kill a dog. It wouldn't bother me to throw a person like that out of a car going 75 MPH. Remember, dogs are people with fur.
Frank13 Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 (edited) Yeah, not responding seems like the best way to go. But when you don't respond doesn't that indicate that you might be angry with the person? It is not your concern what he thinks about it. The purpose of NC is to heal and get on with your life. It has nothing to do with worrying, guessing, or assuming what it indicates to the other person. Don't give them the power to determine whether you go NC or not because of what they might think. If anything, I like to think that it indicates that I just don't give a crap anymore or they aren't worth my time. Most times when people go NC and their ex contacts them, the ex is worried that the person going NC is moving on. They don't usually ask "are you angry with me?". In my case I never want to see or hear from my ex again, so I don't care what she thinks. I don't care if she hates me, loves me, has no respect for me, thinks I am a jerk, ass, or nice guy, or whatever. Since she will never be in my life, she is a stranger to me and her opinion of me means absolutely nothing. Edited April 1, 2012 by Frank13
Author thewanderer Posted April 1, 2012 Author Posted April 1, 2012 Thank you all for the continued responses. I'm starting to understand NC better and how it can help us to better move on with our lives. I suppose when you think about it, it's really the most powerful approach and in a lot of ways the simplest. Well, I don't mean to keep dragging this story on, but there is another key element that I think has made moving on with my life after this relationship difficult at times. In short, my ex (no doubt it was him) ended up giving me a very common sexually transmitted infection called HPV. I'm sure you've all heard about it in the news. I don't know if anyone on here has had to deal with it or partners who have, but I can tell you it's more emotionally trying than anything. It makes you feel dirty, disgusting and like damaged goods. I've been a bit hesitant to share this on here for some reason, but that's kind of silly because it is an anonymous forum, so who really cares, right? I'm surprised I haven't come across this type of issue on this forum considering how common it is. Apparently most people don't even know they carry HPV, and it seems this was the case with my ex. But he didn't really give a **** when I was diagnosed with it of course. I was upset and he told me to stop being so self-absorbed and that people are dying of cancer every day and that I should just be grateful I at least didn't have cancer. Yeah, that's the way to be supportive! Well, actually this virus can cause cancer! I did have abnormal cells and so forth so I had to go to the doctor frequently because of this issue. Of course by this time, my ex had moved away and started a new job in a really fun city. He was living life like he was 20 again while I was suffering with my freaky health problem. I think it's possible that my emotional state and stress had something to do with the manifestation of these symptoms. All the same, I was determined to have this go away so did a lot of things that I think helped me to 'clear' the infection. (Of course when my ex found out I had cleared it he asked me what my secret was for doing so, because he wanted to be rid of it too!) I test negative for HPV now, but I often worry about it coming back and getting cancer and sometimes fear I will be rejected by a potential partner for my past history with this disease, or even the slight possibility of infecting someone who would be accepting of this. I guess people deal with these sorts of things in different ways and for me it made me feel tied to my ex in some weird way. Maybe on some sick level I thought we should try to work things out because we shared this problem together. I really don't think I would still be wrapped up with the loss of this relationship had this particular element to it not been involved. I had another ex in the past who threw me to the curb, but I was over it pretty fast and had no desire to contact him. Of course months later he came back. So NC can bring partners back, but that's not in fact what I want with the ex I have been writing about. I must say, it's been very therapeutic to just write all this stuff down on this forum. By writing it down I am better able to see what a bad situation I had with this guy. Thank you all again for your thoughtful comments. It has helped tremendously!
Sugarkane Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I'm sorry to hear that. But if he treated you like garbage why even bother to answer him? Even more so if The breakup was nasty. He never changes so what's the point?
Sugarkane Posted April 1, 2012 Posted April 1, 2012 I don't understand how you can even stay in contact with this guy.after all his BS and lies.
Author thewanderer Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 I agree Sugarkane. I don't understand it either and I'm the one dealing with it. It's been a real emotional rollercoaster and I realize ultimately I do have myself to blame because I have allowed it. At some point I guess I thought I was somehow being big by "forgiving" the guy. But I guess I really haven't because these negative emotions still come up. I in fact don't know if I can ever forgive him and I certainly can't forget. It's like he'll try to be "nice", but he's always off about it in some way. Clearly there is an unhealthy pattern here and I have to just go NC once and for all.
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