bigcal9 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 So I've been dating this girl for about 6 months now and things are going great. We get along, have fun, go out and do things. But recently, all of a sudden, I've become so paranoid about what she's doing and who she's doing it with. We hang out all the time and she has never done anything to hint that she is unfaithful, but I can't help but worry all the time. I find myself randomly making up ridiculous situations in my head of her cheating or doing things behind my back or lying. I feel so insecure and jealous. & I don't want to sabotage this relationship by asking questions, being suspicious, etc. This sucks. What should I do??
LZ2000 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 So I've been dating this girl for about 6 months now and things are going great. We get along, have fun, go out and do things. But recently, all of a sudden, I've become so paranoid about what she's doing and who she's doing it with. We hang out all the time and she has never done anything to hint that she is unfaithful, but I can't help but worry all the time. I find myself randomly making up ridiculous situations in my head of her cheating or doing things behind my back or lying. I feel so insecure and jealous. & I don't want to sabotage this relationship by asking questions, being suspicious, etc. This sucks. What should I do?? Don't feel this way. It will eat your confidence inside of you and will compromise your relationship status which I assume is good now. If possible, try to be more or a little more emotionally independent. It doesn't really help to be worrying all the time, although your reasons may or may not be justified. However, it is really more about taking care of your own emotional health and in turn, being emotionally stable and strong when you are in a relationship.
Author bigcal9 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Thanks, it's definitely hurting my confidence. Like I said, I dont want to ask her all these random questions and act in ways that would push her away. It's harder than it seems tho.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 You've got to dig deeper and ask yourself why you feel this way and where it stems from, and you have to attack the root of the problem. She's basically enabling a "fear" and insecurity within yourself that is prompting to start panicking and getting all paranoid like the world Is falling apart when she's doing some mundane task or just eating with friends or what..something entirely different than your imagination. The reality is you can't stop anyone from cheating, that's a choice they are going to make when that time comes like it or not, It's the risk you take being in a relationship. However the majority of women I've met anyway don't even ponder or consider the idea, they're pretty faithful and there's not much reason to panic over what they're doing. The rest is just healthy fear of not wanting to lose that person, but it doesn't dominate your mind and thoughts 24/7. So find out what your real issues are, and why you're really reacting this way, take responsibility for them instead of expecting her to start changing and doing all these things to make you feel secure, because in the end that's not going to work...someone with this fear is going to have this fear regardless because they anticipate it all of the time and everywhere which is ridiculously unrealistic to any level-headed person. Maybe even look up online jealousy and insecurity, read some books, this is pretty important to yourself...not to mention this relationship cause you'll likely struggle with it in every relationship because it's not the other person causing this. It's really your problem so you should take the bull by the horns and attack it in that way, as a personal issue. 1
Author bigcal9 Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 True, and I have looked up books and other articles on the subject, and they all pretty much say the same thing. I find it worse when I'm just sitting around doing nothing and my mind starts to wonder, so I've started trying to keep myself as busy as I can, going to the gym, etc. It seems to help.
waiting4u Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Maybe you should go shopping for a ring? No, just kidding. As others have said, this is a deeper issue. It may be that you are stressed out in some other area of your life that makes you afraid of being abandoned or betrayed. These are probably issues you've had a long time and they are just coming to the surface right now. I would suggest fostering your own independence by cultivating your own particular interests, hobbies, etc. - things that make you feel good about yourself. The higher your self-esteem, the more autonomous you will feel and the less "jealous." It sounds like you are losing yourself a bit in this relationship. Distraction helps if you are obsessing about something. Just be like "okay, I'm jealous, it's okay to feel that way, now I'm going to go do ________." Also, maybe explain to her in a non-threatening way that you've been having these feelings lately and are not sure what to do about them. Most likely you will get some reassurance and that may help.
FrustratedStandards Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 I'm so glad you are realizing this now. I've been in this situation before (men getting insecure and jealous) and it drives me crazy. There's not much you can do unfortunately. You just gotta learn to relax. Do you know why you are feeling like this? Maybe once you figure that out you would be able to calm down?
Author bigcal9 Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 (edited) It's hard to say why I feel this way, because I have never been cheated on (at least not in the 1 other serious relationship I've been in). I do know that it's mainly a lack of confidence/self-esteem in myself (man, that sounds bad when I say it out loud). I just always think that she's gonna meet some other person when she goes out to eat or to the beach or to a bar with her friends. Or some guy is gonna flirt with her and she's just gonna go along with it. Why? I don't know?? It's just the way I think. I just sometimes think I'm not good enough. But like another post above stated, you can't control what other people do anyway, so why worry about it? I'm just trying to be worry-free but it's tough. And I keep trying to convince myself that the only way to find out if you can trust someone, is to trust them. But I say these things and then just relapse. Edited March 29, 2012 by bigcal9
waiting4u Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 I do know that it's mainly a lack of confidence/self-esteem in myself (man, that sounds bad when I say it out loud). I just always think that she's gonna meet some other person when she goes out to eat or to the beach or to a bar with her friends. Or some guy is gonna flirt with her and she's just gonna go along with it. Why? I don't know?? It's just the way I think. I just sometimes think I'm not good enough. THIS is at the heart of what's going on. Fix your self-esteem and you will fix your problem. Easier said than done, I know.
amog4l Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Ive been there.. I questioned my girl's whereabouts. There are no set techniques or tricks to avoid the feeling. So the best you should do is talk to her and figure out if you have anything to worry about. If you like her bro, she will tell you. if not... on to the next one.
Author bigcal9 Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 True, I've told her (reluctantly) that I have some trust/insecurity issues and she says that she does too, to an extent. I told her everything that I've said on this thread and she seemed to take it OK and that she worries about the same stuff too sometimes, but she doesn't let it get to her like it does me. She has always told me that she would never do anything to hurt me and cares about me a lot. So you would think that I would take this as a sure-tell sign that everything's OK, yet I still think in a negative way.
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