Ben00 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Hello everyone, I found this website over the weekend and wow, it sure has been a help to me as I'm sure hundreds of others! Thanks. Now to my story if you're up for another one. I'm 28 and my ex is 22. I knew from the beginning that I was approaching the "settle down" age, and that she was just entering into the "freedom" age, as in, out of college, exploring careers, doing whatever she wants, etc. The 6 year gap between us was a little bit of a concern at first, but after 2 years of dating, we were sure we were meant for each other. We were in love and were beginning to talk about marriage (seriously this time, rather than the random "we should get married!" spurts that would emerge every couple months). Fast forward to March 27, 2012. She developed the Grass is Greener Syndrome (GIGS from now on - thanks Homebrew so much for your writeup). Without warning, she said she needed some time and space away from me. She followed GIGS exactly - not having a reason for leaving, saying "there's still a chance to get back together but don't wait for me", saying she loves me so much but has to do this "for us", and spending all her free time with new friends. I enacted no contact (NC) since the day she left. It has been really hard and tears have often been shed but I have remained strong. That brings us to this morning. Her mom sent me a long message saying that she is so sorry for what I am going through, etc. She really wanted us together and was upset that her daughter had left me. Now here comes my predicament. My ex's birthday is next week. Her mom, in the message she sent, advised me to think about the idea of sending her a card and flowers to let her know I am still thinking of her. Is that a good idea? Before receiving the message, I was not even going to acknowledge her birthday. However, now I feel that I would look like a jerk to not even wish her a happy birthday and that would be a bit troubling to me. All in all, I don't see the point in sending her anything, but was wondering your thoughts.
robkris8079 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 and another one just like mine it seems. Sorry about your situation though it is helpful to read other peoples situations that mirror your own. Do not send her anything. She broke up with you. Just leave her be. 1
TaraMaiden Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 i hate to go against the 'Mother knows best' adage, but her mum believes she's helping, but much as i hate to say it, she's not thinking of you, with that bit of advice - she's thinking of her daughter.... Don't respond to her mom - and don't do anything about the birthday. If she dumped you, then however well-meant the intentions, her mum's interference is not a valid reason for going against that. 1
volkl1996 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 and another one just like mine it seems. Sorry about your situation though it is helpful to read other peoples situations that mirror your own. Do not send her anything. She broke up with you. Just leave her be. I agree. Be strong with you NC. Mom is trying to step in, as a mom will do.
Author Ben00 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Fast replies! I am so very appreciative of you all. This website and it's members are great people. Thanks for your thoughts. They've not only boosted my morale, but have strengthened my spirits.
Chi townD Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I think her mom is hurting just as much as you and is trying to find a way to make it better. She probably thought that you were "the one" for her daughter and doesn't want to see you gone. I would stay NC with her daughter. If it was me, I would drop an e-mail to the mom stating something like, " I do miss your daughter and your family a lot and I'm greatful for the time that we had together. However, your daughter made a choice to have me out of her life and I'm going to respect her wishes. Things are a bit too raw right now and I don't think it would be in anyones best interests if I contact her when she made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want me around. The last thing I want to do is make anyone feel uncomfortable That's not what I'm about. I do appreicate your concern and I want to thank you for being there for your daughter and me during this hard peroid of our lives. You're a very special lady and I hope that never changes." Or something like that.....shows class and being tactful to the situation; yet, conveys your reasons to why you need to maintain NC. 3
TaraMaiden Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 that's a good message....it might also help if you ask her to not share it with her daughter... sad as it is, this is between you and her, and third people, with the best will in the world, can make it worse, not better.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Mom needs to keep her spoon out of your bowl. She is not involved and needs to stay out of it. Do NOT send flowers and such, the girl ditched you and you sending her flowers and s card is not a good idea; its not good for your healing. You got dumped? Give a gift! **** that. Stay NC. if the girl wants you, she will call you. 1
robkris8079 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I got a message from my ex's mom after the BU. Said she was sad and that I am a wonderful person. I just told her not to be sad as we weren't happy and then wished her well with her life. I know her mother loved me to death and wanted me to be the one for her daughter. I was in her eyes the perfect "son inlaw". I was safe, responsible, caring, loving and would never let anything bad happen to her daughter. I don't know if I would write anything to your ex's mother. Just leave it all be. I did respond to the message but kept the relationship out of it as much as I could. I mean if she keeps meddling then maybe. But at this point I wouldn't. It's holding you back, the mother back and only feeding your ex in my honest opinion. 1
Chi townD Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 that's a good message....it might also help if you ask her to not share it with her daughter... sad as it is, this is between you and her, and third people, with the best will in the world, can make it worse, not better. or it may help OP with his goal to maintain NC. If she starts to fly off the handle about OP not saying anything to her on her Birthday, mom may have his back on this one. And she can explain to her why OP didn't contact her. She may say to her, " Well, what did you expect? You broke up with him!" 2
TaraMaiden Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Yeah, I take your point.... Well, it's a hard one.... One thing we agree on is to maintain NC with the ex.... As to the rest, the OP can only judge it as he sees fit...
Author Ben00 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 or it may help OP with his goal to maintain NC. If she starts to fly off the handle about OP not saying anything to her on her Birthday, mom may have his back on this one. And she can explain to her why OP didn't contact her. She may say to her, " Well, what did you expect? You broke up with him!" Excellent point! I think I will respond with what you've mentioned.
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