Trying this "No Contact" thing

[dasani08810]

Here's the scoop. I've been seeing this girl on and off for 2 years. I helped her out financially when she left her husband. Unfortunately, I'M FREAKIN STUPID, for jumping into a relationship with her right off the bat. But, even so, we've had our break-ups and get back togethers over the two year period.

 

Recently, we broke up and this time I think it's for good. As far as my emotions go; I'm bothered, but mostly indifferent. She has issues that she has never resolved, nor had the time to reflect on why her marriage failed. Instead, I found myself in love with her and became her emotional punching bag for the last two years. Even when we were in break-up mode, she still contacted me to beat up on me. Whatever.

 

Anyway, I still love and care for this girl; however, I would rather call it quits permanantly if she can't resolve her anger, manipulation, controlling issues. I'm sure most of it came from being with a guy for 7 years that was very controlling.

 

So, I'm giving this no contact thing a try. If she comes around and gets some counseling or something, cool. If not, oh well, life's too short to put up with the constant battle. Like I said, I do love her; but, I love me too!!!

 

I have hundreds of pictures of her and her kids, me and my kids, all doing stuff together on vacations etc on my PC. I know she likes keeping memories and the like. Should I mail her a CD with all the pics on them? I also have a key to her apartment that I think I should send to her. Since I'm doing the no contact thing, should I wait till she contacts me to send both? Or should I just go ahead and mail them. I'm afraid she'll take the CD as a "Oh Baby, don't you remember how nice things were?" begging thing. Really, I want her to find her happiness and this CD is just something I know she would like to have. But I don't want to be misinterpreted as throwing her a guilt trip. Because it's just not that way. I do like her and I'm a nice guy just trying to do something cool for someone I know. That's it.

 

Thanks

[unreal]

Well, after reading this I couldn't help but think of the situation I just went through. My story is very similar to yours. I dated my ex-girl for 2 1/2 years while in high school and early college. We had alot of problems our freshman year of college due to my immaturity and distance apart from one another. However, we were very much in love. She was my first love and I was her first love. She wanted marriage right away, but I wasn't ready. Needless to say, she left but mostly because someone told her that I was cheating on her, which I wasn't. Within the next two months after our breakup she was engaged to be married to her new man and promptly married him. After 6 years apart and without any contact, she ran into my mother and they went to dinner to catch up on old times. There she told my mother how much she loved me and always has loved me all along but she never gave me a chance to prove my innocence or my side of the story to contradict me cheating on her. They planned another get together dinner and this time I gave my mother an apology letter to give to her and to let her know how I felt about her and that I never did cheat on her. Within two days she came back to me and left her husband immediately and divorced him.

 

Once again, she started wanting marriage right away and for me to move in with her. I didn't want to rush it right away and wanted to rekindle our love from 6 years ago and let things happen naturally and not soo fast. I was trying to also be respectful to her since she just left a marriage for me recently by waiting a little while. We were totally committed into a serious relationship right away and I thought it was great. I was very much in love still with her and couldn't wait to ask her to marry me eventually, but I was holding off for just a little while. She seemed to press more and more for me to move in with her as time went by. After our one year anniversary of dating, she started backing off and acting weird. I thought she was giving up hope on me for some reason. We had already made plans months ago to move somewhere out of state together this summer. So I asked if I could move in with her now like she wanted since we had already planned on moving this summer together anyways. To my surprise she refused and told me that I had procrastinated too long and she got used to being on her own and wanted her freedom to do what she wanted when she wanted. She ended up stringing me along for a period of 2-3 weeks of "I need space to think" and "I think we will get back together" crap only to break it off totally last week. There have been clues of another man involved but she denied it. I even bought an engagement ring after she told me that we were probably going to get back together. But to my surprise she called me up within the following week and broke it off even after I told her about the ring. I sent her cards, flowers and a self made cd of a song I wrote for her awhile back. It did no good. She didn't seem to care really. And now she says that she no longer wants to talk to me, write me or see me anymore.

 

So, the only thing I can tell you is...BACK OFF and let her go. If she wants you, she will come around. If it is meant to be, she will come back. It sounds like your ex and my ex have alot of emotional issues from their former marriages. I hate to say this, but we may have been a rebound or emotional crutch to get them back on their feet again after their failed marriages. If she says no contact, do exactly that. Trust me, the cards, cd's, flowers, etc. do not help at all.

[dasani08810]

All the references to the no contact rule seem to point to that. No nothing. She has never requested no contact; I've just kinda been doing that on my own. We had a SMS exchage a few days ago. A couple of weeks ago, she wanted to meet me for a day. I was due to go out of the country for 2 weeks a couple of days later; so I just made up a story that I was already in Israel. I didn't want to see her because I know I could have turned into a basket case. But, I did tell her that I had rebooked my trip 2 days early and had left my thoughts and feelings back in the US.

 

This past week I offered to take her up on her offer to meet. Her SMS response to me was "We're broken up, so no". I responded "Ok. Sorry to bother you then. Have a great day :-)". Then I sent her another one a few minutes later just saying. "BTW, I will always believe we would have been great on a day to day; with some couples counseling. But I have no control over your decision and I do love you enough to let you go".

 

So that was the last message she recieved from me. With the CD, I was just trying to be nice. But I can see your point. She'll interpret it whatever way she wants. And, since she thinks I want to jump back in it with her, it will probably be seen as a guilt trip. I'll just hold onto it and the key till she contacts me and asks for stuff. I want what I said in my last message to be the last thing she sees from me. I think it was a good cut off for this relationship. There were no anger messages (well a month ago we were having a spat that caused the breakup); but since then, I haven't said one angry word to her; and the argument was nothing big.

[unreal]

Wow, deja-vu!! I did the same exact thing. I told her that since she didn't know what was wrong in our relationship and that she blamed herself and not me, that we could seek relationship counciling together. I told her that I'm happy with us right now, but if she needs this, I will go with her and help pay for it if this will help her figure out what is wrong and help me figure out what I may be doing wrong if anything that makes her feel this way. She seemed to like the idea at first. All along and even the last time we spoke last week, she says that she is in love with me still or at least she thinks she is. But she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now in her life. Can we say "USED"? That is how I feel throughout all of this.

 

Regardless, it doesn't really matter now, we are over forever by her choosing. I know in my heart, there is no way I could ever take her back for a third time and be able to trust her again. Your best bet is to TRY and do what I'm doing. Convince yourself that NO MATTER WHAT, it is over between you two. At least in your case, it is over FOR NOW until she comes back to you. I know it is a struggle and believe me, I'm struggling, otherwise I wouldn't be on this website writing about it. But I respect myself enough to know that I deserve to be happy just as much as she deserves, no more and no less. And I can tell you that chasing after them when they don't want you or any contact only makes YOU UNHAPPY. And why do that to yourself? You deserve more than that. And I believe there are girls out there that would gladly fill their places and treat us like we deserve to be treated, with respect and love. If you treated your exgirl good, you should look at the positives of that instead of the negatives. I think I'm just now learning that. Because let's face it, they may be the one who has the problem here and not you.

[dasani08810]

That's uncanny and UNREAL!! :-) It's incredible how stories parallel. I'm also thinking this thing is over. The only way I would take her back is if we went to counseling. She has childhood molestation issues, men issues. She was always double standarding everything. My exwife and I are good friends; she hated that. But she has no problem inviting her ex husband over for a beer when I'm not around.

 

When I'm out of town, I was supposed to call her everynight when I got back to my room so she could make sure I was alone. There were thousand of other things that just drove me nuts. I figured if I was patent enough she would eventually just let go. But it was just constant. Everyday I was on the phone with her for 2 hours. We live 80 miles away from each other. The irony is, I have already given notice at my place to move out at the end of this month and already signed a lease for a townhouse in her neighborhood. I work from home so I can live anywhere. She has kids in school and didn't want to move them so I decided to move there. That was a done deal since March. I'm stuck for a year with the new place. Now I'm going to be 1/4 mile from her and our kids have already talked about hanging out together. Our kids get along great. So she and I don't talk, but our kids hang out together. What irony!!! LOL

 

Then the thousands of dollars I spent on her move, vacations, this and that for her apartment, etc. Yet, she ALWAYS had something to complain about me NOT doing. Hell, 2 months ago, her accountant told her she would get a couple hundred bucks back on her taxes. I did her taxes instead and I got her $5,400 back. I spent 5 1/2 hours doing them and never even got a dinner out of it. After she got her taxes back I jokingly said "Hey, now you can take me to that restaurant (a somewhat expensive one)" She said she couldn't afford it. I was like DAMN, you have 5 grand you weren't expecting, WTF? She said I volunteered to do her taxes so she doesn't owe me anything. I thought, ok I learned about volunteering. LOL

 

Ya know she had the balls to ask me to do her 2002 taxes after that? Jeeezzzzzeeee, talk about USED!! I mean if someone helped me excape a bad marriage and I knew they spent thousands on me during the course of it, I think I would at least offer to pay back some of it if I got 5 grand I wan't expecting. I mean I wouldn't have taken it, but still, the offer would have spoken volumes.

 

Damn, I gotta quit typing! This is starting to piss me off again!! :-)

[unreal]

In my case, my ex-girl would treat me really good when we were together up until the final 3 weeks of our relationship. We both did whatever we could do for one another to help each other out. It was almost like we were already married in a way. But one problem was, she lived 30 miles from me and worked out of town from me. She worked nights and I worked days. So we talked on the phone during the week and seen each other every weekend. Our sleep patterns were all screwed up, so things were hard even on weekends. She also had similar emotional issues. But I tried to help her, and I was always there when she could call everynight during the week. Let's just say, I had no social life at all because I was always at home waiting for a call. And on weekends I was with her. But I never minded it, because I was soo much in love with her. It seemed like no matter what I did, it was never good enough for her. She always doubted my love for her, doubted my interest in her, doubted my committment to her, and usually always expected more no matter what. I never realized it really up until we broke up and up until the last few days as I can now look at the relationship from the outside instead of the inside.

[unreal]

Originally posted by dasani08810

That's uncanny and UNREAL!! :-) It's incredible how stories parallel. I'm also thinking this thing is over. The only way I would take her back is if we went to counseling. She has childhood molestation issues, men issues. She was always double standarding everything. My exwife and I are good friends; she hated that. But she has no problem inviting her ex husband over for a beer when I'm not around.

 

When I'm out of town, I was supposed to call her everynight when I got back to my room so she could make sure I was alone. There were thousand of other things that just drove me nuts. I figured if I was patent enough she would eventually just let go. But it was just constant. Everyday I was on the phone with her for 2 hours. We live 80 miles away from each other. The irony is, I have already given notice at my place to move out at the end of this month and already signed a lease for a townhouse in her neighborhood. I work from home so I can live anywhere. She has kids in school and didn't want to move them so I decided to move there. That was a done deal since March. I'm stuck for a year with the new place. Now I'm going to be 1/4 mile from her and our kids have already talked about hanging out together. Our kids get along great. So she and I don't talk, but our kids hang out together. What irony!!! LOL

 

Then the thousands of dollars I spent on her move, vacations, this and that for her apartment, etc. Yet, she ALWAYS had something to complain about me NOT doing. Hell, 2 months ago, her accountant told her she would get a couple hundred bucks back on her taxes. I did her taxes instead and I got her $5,400 back. I spent 5 1/2 hours doing them and never even got a dinner out of it. After she got her taxes back I jokingly said "Hey, now you can take me to that restaurant (a somewhat expensive one)" She said she couldn't afford it. I was like DAMN, you have 5 grand you weren't expecting, WTF? She said I volunteered to do her taxes so she doesn't owe me anything. I thought, ok I learned about volunteering. LOL

 

Ya know she had the balls to ask me to do her 2002 taxes after that? Jeeezzzzzeeee, talk about USED!! I mean if someone helped me excape a bad marriage and I knew they spent thousands on me during the course of it, I think I would at least offer to pay back some of it if I got 5 grand I wan't expecting. I mean I wouldn't have taken it, but still, the offer would have spoken volumes.

 

Damn, I gotta quit typing! This is starting to piss me off again!! :-)

 

Well, I've gotta go. My workday is over. I'll check back on you here later on. Hang in there buddy, it can only get better...right???

[dasani08810]

Hey, her name wasn't Linda by any chance was it? What you have experienced is EXACTLY verbatim what I have gone through. My ex wife even asked me; "Why do you feel like you always have to help the world?"

 

It's just who I am.

 

I was "in this" 100%; but also, like you, was getting the "you don't love me; you don't need me; you blah blah blah." Like she was always looking for reassurance. I too spent ALL my free time with her. Either on the phone, or at her place. Sometimes I would just show up late at night and surprise her. And no it wasn't about not trusting her, it was about fun; she loved it. I would drive 3 hours round trip just to take her to lunch. She loved that I did that. She just needs more attention than any guy can give her; if I didn't have the job I have with all it's freedoms, there is no way I could have been in a relationship with her.

 

In her excuses she tells me that we never do anything and never talk. I pulled out phone bills that listed 78 hours on the phone in ONE MONTH alone!!! But we never talk. :-) Then, I took her, her kids, and my kids to Florida over Christmas. The kids stayed with relatives and we went on to spend New Years Eve in Key West. We camped for three nights. Her complaint? "We didn't even have sex while we were camping." Ok, honey. First night on the chair in front of the fire, second day in the surf, second night again in front of the fire, third day in a rented boat out in the middle of the Keys. She said, "oh yea, but that was all". GOOD GOD!!!!

 

So now she has nothing but bad memories and that's what she's processing. I have no defense for selective memory and I'm not about to be on the defensive anymore. That's her control thing. If there was ever an argument, if I had something to talk to her about; it was quickly turned around to me and all the problems she had with me. She would never try to resolve anything without picking me apart personally.

 

I remember telling her once after one of those sessions that she "needs to drop her standard just a little bit. The guy she's looking for died on a cross 2000 years ago. So, you're gonna have to accept something a little less perfect than that."

 

I mean DAMN this thread is good for me!! All the romanticizing about the good things makes one forget why they should be happy it's over.

 

Well, something to think about over a few beers at happy hour tonight!!!

 

LOL

[unreal]

The one part I don't understand is how my exgirl is able to switch her feelings back and forth the way she did. First, she was completely in love with me years ago. Second, she told me that she didn't love me when we broke up the first time. Then when we get back together 6 years later, she tells me that she lied and that she was in love with me and has always been in love with me all along. Now, she tells me after a year together as we break up for a second and final time that she "thinks she is in love with me" but doesn't think it is as strong as it was and not strong enough to keep our relationship going. I don't think that I have ever felt soo let down before, lied to or betrayed in my life as I feel right now.

[loveinasia]

mine story lasts a bit shorter in timeframe..

 

Was dating this girl who had a boyfriend for about 6 months. She finally made the move to break it off with her boyfriend, and came to stay with me for a week. After her boyfriend said the usual bargaining phrases, she felt guilty and in a matter of hours, decided to get married to him. She then calls me back 3 hours later and tells me that I'm so good to her.. Then two days later, tells me that she regrets her decision.

 

I called her several times, and just wanted to tell her that the decision is about HER, not about me or him. She has to do what's best for herself. She told me that the only thing she thinks about now is whether the decision is right or wrong and she needs some time to think it clearly. She told me that she loved and missed me, and that she liked receiving my emails. But still, that was my signal to start NC, and thank God I did.. It's been 36 hours now .. Obviously, she's confused as hell right now, and if she's doubting her engagement barely 7 days after it, then something's gotta be wrong. But I realized now that I cannot help her, as much as she trusts me, and as much as I know that I'm saying the right things to her as a friend, she needs this time to sort out her feelings, as well as giving her some time so she will start missing me.

 

Everyone wish me luck!!

[dasani08810]

Loveinasia:

 

Sometimes it's nice to give up control of a situation ain't it? Sure we would like to work on it; but if they say no, well it's a decision that will haunt them, not us. We can walk away with our conscience clear as a bell. Sure we can say "I should have........." for a while. But I still think of a girl I dumped over 10 years ago and that I made the wrong choice. That still bothers me to this day. So rest assured, she's wrestling in her mind right now.

 

Unreal,

 

Yea that does suck. For me, I think a part of trying to win the opportunity to work on it is just pride. Nobody likes to make a wrong choice. When we invest our heart in someone that dumps it; it's harder to face the fact that we made a wrong choice than it is to lose them. I don't think it's so much what they do to us as it is what we do to us. Know what I mean?

[loveinasia]

Dasani:

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement The way I figure it, she broke up with her ex when she had a clear mind. Now said yes to marriage in a confused state of mind. once her mind clears again, she will be able to make a more rational judgement..

[loveinasia]

Day 4 of NC.. Came to a relevation (although seems not very much a relevation on this board) is that I have the strength to control my own life, and just because someone else cannot, it shouldn't affect my life.

 

So, if she ever calls, this is what I'm gonna say:

 

"xxxxx, you are one of the few people that I really torn all the walls down with, and I wanted to share with you everything. But unfortunately, rather than treasuring it, you took it for granted. BUT, luckily, I know who I am, and I know that I have the strength to take control of my own life, of my own happiness. I have so much strength, in fact, that I tried to guide you to help you take control of your life and your own happiness. BUT, the one thing that I realized after going through all of this is that no one can or should take control of your life EXCEPT YOU! Perhaps one day you will take control of it. But until that day comes, I don't have any more to give you.. "

 

Amazing that you do feel better after you turn it around and make it about YOURSELF

[dasani08810]

loveinasia,

 

Hey guy, I'm deifnately not the relationship expert; If I were, I wouldn't be here. LOL

 

What I suggest is do exactly what you're doing. Let the emotions go here or in a journal. That statement you want to give reads both, anger and arrogance. That's not a chop at you. We all feel it in the course of a break up. If you are working on getting her back, when she does contact you, you need to treat her and talk to her like she's a fresh new face that you are trying to date. If you say what your anger wants you to say, I can guarantee you there won't be another phone call.

 

My ex right now is a bit pissed off because I started to see my ex before her again. I mean, she broke up with me and won't even call me; but she emails me and I do the stupid thing and email her back. It's the same dance over and over again. I kinda let the cat out of the bag in anger. She told me she started dating again and hopes I find someone to make me happy. I emailed her back with a "well, I did kinda start seeing "A", that's as far as I got in my rollodex. Then she turned bitter in her "matter of fact" way and went on about "well, she's more your type...blah blah blah. I said it's not a relationship, I like the companionship. It went back and forth for a bit.

 

So finally, I just told her that "yes I'm hurt but I don't want to think anymore. I just want to breathe. These exchanges change nothing and just wear me down". AND THEY DO! "Listen, I'm not going to mangage any relationship, I'm just going to let fate take its course and live. Maybe in a few months feelings will change between you and I, maybe not. When you're ready to be friends, please don't hesitate to call.

 

I have been very kind to her during the breakup. I haven't called, I haven't asked her where, who, when. It's been occasional exchanges. But now I need to stop even that.

 

But, yes, I'm going to date and I may date ex's. I don't know what that has to do with anything. I've been given my freedom and I'm going to enjoy it.

 

She really doesn't know what she's missing yet. But she will. In the relationship, I gave her thousands of dollars over the last 9 months, fixed stuff in her house that needed to be fixed, took she and her kids on vacations, at her request got rid of pursuers, I talked to her on the phone at least 2 hours a day and emailed her at least 10 or 12 times a day, she and her kids had no food when I went over there for a weekend and I just went grocery shopping for her. I make close to 6 figures and I'm a positive type guy. When she got money in (from me doing her taxes and I mentioned earler in this thread), do you think I saw a dime? Or even an offer to repay anything I ever did? Hell, no. Two weeks after the money hit her account she was gone. To her, it just wasn't enough attention. She's gonna kiss a lot of frogs before she realizes exactly what she had in me. Maybe the door will still be open, maybe it won't. Who knows, I'm tired of thinking about it anymore.

 

Just saying that because right now I'm very very angry. In emails I'm nice and cool (99% of the time :-) ); but I vent in other places. The anger and arrogance gets me nowhere but farther away.

 

I don't know why I pursue this thing!!! I'm kicking myself for it because I saw what she was like with her ex. I should have known better. Really, I'm angry at me. I saw this behavior a long time ago when she was just a friend and I thought I was above her treating ME like that. Yea right!!

 

Dating should be like job hunting. We should get resume's with ex's as references!

 

I've learned, never date someone that has treated an ex badly and continues to harbor anger toward him. Sure it's cool to agree with them that their ex was a jerk...blah blah blah. But, you may too be that ex one day; and don't think you'll be treated any different!!!!

 

Ok, I'm feeling much better now!