kassy Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 There seem to be a lot of posters on here who seem to only want to date "the one". And a lot who want to know the person is 'the one from the first date it appears. I think I've learnt a lot about myself and about relationships from experiencing multiple great (and not so great) relationships over time with 'not the one'. Why is there so much emphasis on finding the one rather than meeting someone you like, who likes you and see where it goes? Surely there is fun and merit to having relationships before you meet the one so that you can among other things work out what is really important to you? And for personal development. It just seems like wanting to run before you can walk. Especially for those posters who have little dating experience, isn't having such big expectations putting too much pressure on yourself to even get out there and get your toes wet? You might be pleasantly surprised at what you find. 1
Mantis Toboggan Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 WRONG! Dating is a miserable, exhausting trek full of heartbreak and pain. Once you find anyone who even kind-of-likes you, you should hang onto them for dear life. 1
irin Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 experiencing multiple relationships until the one = excess Baggage, so when you meet the one, your jaded out from all the negative failed relationships, id rather skip all of that meet the person i marry and share my life with just one person! 1
Jane2011 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I get involved with people even if they aren't 'the one' and even if I don't think it will last forever. I don't even think there is 'the one' for me, so I'm not really looking for him. I do still have to be highly attracted to a guy to date him, however, so this means I still have long stretches of singlehood.
Jane2011 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 It just seems like wanting to run before you can walk. Especially for those posters who have little dating experience, isn't having such big expectations putting too much pressure on yourself to even get out there and get your toes wet? You might be pleasantly surprised at what you find. I agree with that, too. Even though the experiences I've had have worn on me in some ways, I'm really glad that I have them. A lot of interesting memories, enjoyable sex, general learning about how people are, etc. As far as I'm concerned, I may never find one person who I feel I belong with (and who feels he belongs with me). I don't want my life to end without having had experiences with men, even if some of them are bad or painful. Even if I died tomorrow, I would feel like I lived a full love life. 1
Andy_K Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Looking for 'The One' doesn't mean looking for an instant relationship. It means determining long-term compatibility quickly. From there, things may or may not work, but you at least know who's on the right wavelength for you. For example, I don't want to be with someone who smokes. Nor someone who has several kids (one is fine, as I've got one). I could put up with it for a while and 'see what happens', but it's pointless because I'll end up breaking things off sooner or later. I've left too many broken hearts to just keep dating someone I like without considering long term potential. Empathy, responsibility, and consideration dictate that I waste as little of people's time as possible and avoid causing unnecessary pain. I can't tell if someone is 'The One', but I can do by best to find out if they're not.
LZ2000 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 There seem to be a lot of posters on here who seem to only want to date "the one". And a lot who want to know the person is 'the one from the first date it appears. I think I've learnt a lot about myself and about relationships from experiencing multiple great (and not so great) relationships over time with 'not the one'. Why is there so much emphasis on finding the one rather than meeting someone you like, who likes you and see where it goes? Surely there is fun and merit to having relationships before you meet the one so that you can among other things work out what is really important to you? And for personal development. It just seems like wanting to run before you can walk. Especially for those posters who have little dating experience, isn't having such big expectations putting too much pressure on yourself to even get out there and get your toes wet? You might be pleasantly surprised at what you find. I do agree with you on most points that you've made, however, the one aspect of relationships that is truly agonizing is the emotional part of it. Not everyone can maintain a stable independent emotional equilibrium when they are in love with someone else. And when the relationship falls apart or is in the process of being compromised, well, both parties get hurt usually. For me, my previous relationship isn't really a journey, more of a harrowing adventure which challenged my trust, patience, ability to overlook my ex's flaws and ultimately, my ability to accept my ex for who she is. And yes, it was a horrid time for me, especially when she even accused me of doing a despicable deed that I never had done to her at one point of our relationship. I think the most important lesson from dating is that, before you do go out to date or look for a partner in life, is to look at yourself in the mirror and to be honest and come clean with oneself to judge if you are truly worthy of being a very important and integral part of someone's life. Because you may bring him/her more harm than good.
january2011 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Because dating is stressful. When you think you've found 'the one' you feel that you've finally arrived, at last. Of course, once you've found 'the one', it's really only the beginning of another journey. 2
GoodOnPaper Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Why is there so much emphasis on finding the one rather than meeting someone you like, who likes you and see where it goes? Surely there is fun and merit to having relationships before you meet the one so that you can among other things work out what is really important to you? And for personal development. Spoken like someone who can take attracting people for granted. For me, the meeting-and-attracting part of dating was by far the most difficult and painful part of the whole process. I didn't want to have to be at that stage any longer than absolutely necessary.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I multi dated before out of sheer boredom, it was easy to jump from guy to guy because I had my pick. I didn't date for the ' one" because that was by too many expectations too soon, and if I fell for a guy, I was more likely to get hurt. Currently I'm dating because I actually like him enough to want to see him long term. But I'm still not willing to place all my eggs in because we're still in the honeymoon phase of being " addicted' to the newness of it all. Yeah, it is a journey, but one that I always take precaution to carefully venture into.
Mantis Toboggan Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Because dating is stressful. When you think you've found 'the one' you feel that you've finally arrived, at last. Of course, once you've found 'the one', it's really only the beginning of another journey. I think you summed up the mood of a lot of people on this forum. "Dating is stressful." I never thought of it that way. Dating is the entertainment that distracts me from the REAL stress in my life. (Working. Reaching financial goals. Etc.) Dating is drinks and dinner and laughing and dancing and sex and fun. What's stressful about that? I mean, we're all grownups. We know that we'll have more failures than successes in our dating life. And if you KNOW that you're bound to fail more than succeed, then why let it bother you? Everyone else is having the same problem.
El Brujo Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Just reading the posts in this thread makes me wonder: at what point in history did dating stop being easy and no big deal, and start being a frustrating disaster??? Someone, somewhere, must have started doing something wrong. 1
Author kassy Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 I guess this just reaffirms how differently I view dating from most (not all ) loveshackers. Firstly I'm not a multi-dater. And I don't date jerks. But I will give someone a shot and see how things go at the beginning. The replies that came back saying lots of relationships = baggage and it's all too painful to date unless they are the one I think missed my point. If you don't only measure a relationships value by whether you get married, I think it is less likely you will stay in bad relationships for the wrong reasons, and also that you can keep perspective and realize most relationships don't end in marriage it's not the end of the world. Dating should be fun!!! Lighten up people! I look at a 3 year relationship when I was at university. I have so much love and respect for the guy, and we had so much fun and a lot of growing up together I wouldn't miss it for the world. But while we were great at that point in time we would have been terrible life partners as our hopes and dreams weren't compatible we discussed this at least a year before our relationship ended. I was upset when we broke up, but it doesn't change how good that relationship was. Why would relationships like that leave me with baggage? I think your chances of getting baggage are higher when you are looking so hard for the one than if you just Really try and make things work. Also makes it harder for people to ask others out. Just do it, if they say no... It's really not a big deal just move on to looking for someone else who you think is a bit of alright. I agree with the poster who said they haven't found the one but have had a full and fun dating life. I think if more posters on LS felt that way they could have more fun and less heartache.
Author kassy Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 Looking for 'The One' doesn't mean looking for an instant relationship. You seem to be pretty well balanced. This post isn't really directed at people like you, but more the ones on here who do seem to think they should have an instant relationship with the one and it'll be perfect like a Disney movie.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 I guess this just reaffirms how differently I view dating from most (not all ) loveshackers. Firstly I'm not a multi-dater. And I don't date jerks. But I will give someone a shot and see how things go at the beginning. The replies that came back saying lots of relationships = baggage and it's all too painful to date unless they are the one I think missed my point. If you don't only measure a relationships value by whether you get married, I think it is less likely you will stay in bad relationships for the wrong reasons, and also that you can keep perspective and realize most relationships don't end in marriage it's not the end of the world. Dating should be fun!!! Lighten up people! I look at a 3 year relationship when I was at university. I have so much love and respect for the guy, and we had so much fun and a lot of growing up together I wouldn't miss it for the world. But while we were great at that point in time we would have been terrible life partners as our hopes and dreams weren't compatible we discussed this at least a year before our relationship ended. I was upset when we broke up, but it doesn't change how good that relationship was. Why would relationships like that leave me with baggage? I think your chances of getting baggage are higher when you are looking so hard for the one than if you just Really try and make things work. Also makes it harder for people to ask others out. Just do it, if they say no... It's really not a big deal just move on to looking for someone else who you think is a bit of alright. I agree with the poster who said they haven't found the one but have had a full and fun dating life. I think if more posters on LS felt that way they could have more fun and less heartache. Wait until you get your ass burned really bad, then you might be singing a different tune Because trust me, it's more than a journey...and this is coming from the ass burning side not the recipient. You don't realize what's out there, you're naive to it...they don't say love is a battlefield for nothing. Wait until you're crushed and when you can't go back to where you used to be because of one person, then you'll understand. It doesn't sound to me like you were in love with the guy you had a 3 year relationship with, so you're also naive to the heartbreak.
Author kassy Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 Ninja I'm not saying breaking up with someone your in love with is fun or easy. It takes a while to put the pieces back together. But that's part of life. But just because it hurts doesn't mean you can't look back at the good parts and have fond memories and look at the bad parts and laugh (after a while). There gets to a point where you have to stop being self indulgent and build a bridge and get over it. For me, I find doing an epic endurance event like an ironman after a bad break up helps. Lots of exercise, time with friends, another focus, and lots of time crying while on a long ride or run. After the event I feel good and usually ready to move on. It's not a short process. But at the end you realize you aren't supposed to be with that person and that's that. I guess it depends how you deal with setbacks. I nearly lost my leg, that was bloody hard. A lot harder than losing the man I thought I'd marry. I was wrong, there will be others, but you only get two legs. Either way, if you play the dating game you are going to get hurt sometime. But if you read the posts of those who don't put themselves out there, well they seem to get hurt anyway, but without the good bits to make it worthwhile. And they seem to have oodles of baggage too.
Recommended Posts