camarad Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I'm a male. Whenever I've dumped a girl, that's it, I have completely lost interest forever. Yet after I've been dumped (3 times) they always came back, one was even after a couple of years. I spoke to friends about this down the pub (women and men) and they agreed. Odd. Your views?
immitable Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 In my opinion this lies in the psychology of men and women. usually when breakups happen whatever reason there is an other person waiting for the dumper while the dumpee is still pondering on why it happened etc. Men chase other women. Men hit on women, women fall for flattering types, so they are easily persuaded if the situation with her current bf is not rosy. Men on the other side pick and go to other woman, they need not to be persuaded, they chase after that new woman. If you understand what I'm trying to say, it is confusing but this change of heart happens with women bc they got seduced/persuaded/hit on etc and (not all of them but majority) start to regret it bc they find themselves being used in their state of confusion.
redrose123 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I think that's too general of a statement and not always true. I had a guy Break up with me and he seemed so happy with his decision. I was NC and never expected to hear from him again but he tried on 3 different occasions over the course of a year and a half to get me to go back out with him. Each time months would go by without us talking. I think a person coming back depends on the nature of their relationship, the reason for the breakup, and realizing that the grass isn't greener on the other side. 1
offcloudnine Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I think that's too general of a statement and not always true. I had a guy Break up with me and he seemed so happy with his decision. I was NC and never expected to hear from him again but he tried on 3 different occasions over the course of a year and a half to get me to go back out with him. Each time months would go by without us talking. I think a person coming back depends on the nature of their relationship, the reason for the breakup, and realizing that the grass isn't greener on the other side. I think I agree with redrose123. It really depends a lot on how the relationship was, the reason for the break up and whether or not the dumper eventually realizes that it was a mistake or not.
ThatDudeXO Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Would you say if the breakup wasn't nasty, no cheating or abuse and they say "they aren't in love anymore" - are they more than likely to make contact at some stage? That's if you'd been a loving caring partner the whole time.
offcloudnine Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Would you say if the breakup wasn't nasty, no cheating or abuse and they say "they aren't in love anymore" - are they more than likely to make contact at some stage? That's if you'd been a loving caring partner the whole time. I'd say it's definitely more likely than if the relationship was abusive, etc. Also I'm not sure what you mean by contact, do you mean to stay friends or to reconcile? I'm going to assume you mean to reconcile in some way. I've heard many people say not to keep your hopes up, and that you've done your dues and really it is his/her decision now. This is hard to accept and believe me I also wish I could know whether or not my ex will ever express interest in wanting to reconcile. Sounds cliche but time will tell.
Author camarad Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Not sure if they would come back if you were constantly needy throughout the relationship. In my situation every time I was dumped I blamed myself and felt awful for not treating them better. Oddly though when they did finally contact me, they had changed so much, my previous feelings towards them became null and void
gotye Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 i have never tried to get back with a guy i have dumped 1
offcloudnine Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Not sure if they would come back if you were constantly needy throughout the relationship. In my situation every time I was dumped I blamed myself and felt awful for not treating them better. Oddly though when they did finally contact me, they had changed so much, my previous feelings towards them became null and void Care to explain why being needy/clingy makes it less likely they would come back? Me and my ex were equally needy and clingy but I think towards she end of our relationship she started to tolerate it less because our romance/relationship wasn't exactly at its best.
immitable Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 i have never tried to get back with a guy i have dumped communication is the key. why starting a relationship with someone you are not compatible with? why not trying to work on the problems together? why not trying everything possible before breaking up? I guess good communication requires emotional maturity.
flitzanu Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 In my opinion this lies in the psychology of men and women. usually when breakups happen whatever reason there is an other person waiting for the dumper while the dumpee is still pondering on why it happened etc. Men chase other women. Men hit on women, women fall for flattering types, so they are easily persuaded if the situation with her current bf is not rosy. Men on the other side pick and go to other woman, they need not to be persuaded, they chase after that new woman. If you understand what I'm trying to say, it is confusing but this change of heart happens with women bc they got seduced/persuaded/hit on etc and (not all of them but majority) start to regret it bc they find themselves being used in their state of confusion. hold up, i can PERSUADE a chick to date me? seducing them works because women can't make their own decisions? weird. i really thought girls had enough willpower to ignore some dude chasing her if she was happy with her current relationship.
immitable Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 (edited) hold up, i can PERSUADE a chick to date me? seducing them works because women can't make their own decisions? weird. i really thought girls had enough willpower to ignore some dude chasing her if she was happy with her current relationship. maybe persuade is not the best term but, Do you think any guy hitting on a woman in a commited relationship is looking for relationship with that woman exclusively or a piece of ***? They want the thrill of being chased, feeling wanted, feeling sexy something their bf is not offering them in that moment. Edited March 28, 2012 by immitable
2sunny Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Cuz they are looking for you to feed their ego. Maybe their current or recent ego feeds got tired of that role - so they asked you to step back in. Don't step in! 1
mike588 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Mine contacted me 6 months later with sorrys and regrets for dumping me and hurting me...not a word about wanting to try it again so she was just feeling guilty.
WildHorses Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Not only girls come back after NC. I have had plenty of ex boyfriends contact me after a break up. After a lengthy time of NC they have showed up again. So what, who cares.
DisGai Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 hold up, i can PERSUADE a chick to date me? seducing them works because women can't make their own decisions? weird. i really thought girls had enough willpower to ignore some dude chasing her if she was happy with her current relationship. immitable said "they are easily persuaded if the situation with her current bf is not rosy." Happened to me. Ex got attracted by some dude who confessed to her while we weren't doing so well.
cflowers32 Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 I think that's too general of a statement and not always true. I had a guy Break up with me and he seemed so happy with his decision. I was NC and never expected to hear from him again but he tried on 3 different occasions over the course of a year and a half to get me to go back out with him. Each time months would go by without us talking. I think a person coming back depends on the nature of their relationship, the reason for the breakup, and realizing that the grass isn't greener on the other side. That is what I do still hope for. Maybe stupid hope, but I go with faith and hope everyday. I think with my X, he's looking for the greener grass, because thing got difficult for him I'm sad about it, but he's got to walk his journey. Whatever happens, happens... I'm still going though pain, but that's what it is for me.
flitzanu Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 maybe persuade is not the best term but, Do you think any guy hitting on a woman in a commited relationship is looking for relationship with that woman exclusively or a piece of ***? They want the thrill of being chased, feeling wanted, feeling sexy something their bf is not offering them in that moment. um, no, that's a pretty inaccurate, generalized statement. here's the thing. i'm a single guy. if i meet a girl that has a boyfriend, and she has issues with that boyfriend, that's really not anything to do with me, that's between the girl and her boyfriend. i still don't understand how guys want to keep blaming other guys for "stealing" their gf. your girl made the conscious decision. acting like they don't is simply saying they have zero self-control and zero choice in the matter. a girl can say yes, and she can say no. would a guy get away with saying that? "oh i was sad and upset because you are mean to me, and some girl came onto me at the bar and then i had sex with her because i'm so lonely and pitiful and depressed" no. trust me, i get it, i get wanting to blame the other guy for swooping in and taking your place, i've been there and done that. point is, i was the one that wasn't living up to her expectations, and she sought fulfillment elsewhere. doesn't mean i was a horrible person, just means i wasn't what she was wanting "AT THAT MOMENT" so they leave when they find it. it's not like these girls are walking away from magical perfect relationships. they've already gone downhill and fading quickly. 1
0hpenelope Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 (edited) I'm a male. Whenever I've dumped a girl, that's it, I have completely lost interest forever. Yet after I've been dumped (3 times) they always came back, one was even after a couple of years. I spoke to friends about this down the pub (women and men) and they agreed. Odd. Your views? Nope. It goes both ways. You're using personal anecdotes, but that's hardly reflective of the general population. What about those married couples where, while dating, the man breaks up with the woman and then pursues her again after some time? My own examples include both girls coming back to guys and guys coming back to girls. How about reconciled homosexual couples, specifically male/male couples? That's a guy coming back. Among lesbian couples too, that's a girl coming back which supports your observations too. Does this mean that the more "beta" of the two is more likely to come back, then, since they're both of the same gender, with "beta" being the "more feminine" partner in the relationship and "alpha" being "more masculine?" There's something wrong with this line of reasoning. Do you see where I'm going with this? I can think of a few LS users who will soundly disagree with this question and I do agree with them. With regards to you not going back, think of your personal reasons why you never went back to a girl you broke up with- and I'm sure it's not 100% because you're a guy and "guys don't go back." Gender stereotypes inclusive, we don't always act according to how we're "supposed" based on gender. It really baffles my mind where people come up with gender-specific faux statistics. If I'm to believe what I hear from my end, guys are more likely to come back because women are more likely to think about reasons for staying or leaving. I'm a female with male preferences and my exes have come back years after, whether to just say hi or to apologize and perhaps try again. Women are more likely to use their support network while guys are more hesitant to do so and are more reticent. Something about Western expectations of guys cannot be emotional, guys can't talk about feelings, crying or expressing emotions is not manly, etc. I can go on and on, but all of this is really stereotyping. I refuse to believe that a person doesn't have free will to decide what to do. Also, if the dead can talk, I'm sure some will be able to tell their own stories of reconciled romances. Come back and give an update if you're able to cross the entire United States and do a statistic on this, tallying every single male and female who have ever had at least one serious relationship and have felt and/or experienced a reconciliation. Then you have to ask whether it lasted or it didn't. Patrons of a pub is a very, very small sample, but I'm sure your buddies there are awesome. It doesn't mean personal experiences aren't important, but in this topic... personal experience is hard to apply to a much, much larger group of people. This question is analogous to LS' own Frankenstein: someone always brings it back to light. Also, peruse through the other subforums of the "Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping" and you'll find stories contrary to your question "Why do only girls reappear after a long phase of NC?" Please don't misunderstand this as me being argumentative. I like to poke holes when I see unfair claims being thrown around. I really don't think it's a gender thing. There's much more to exes coming back than just the basis of gender. Edited April 2, 2012 by 0hpenelope
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