tojaz Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Been getting my teeth kicked in lately, at least emotionally speaking, and it seems to e coming from all sides at once. You would figure that after 3 years you would be safe from a backslide, well that's not the case. A few sleepless nights and far too much stress has resulted in me looking back over my divorce with a fresh pair of eyes, and it has taken this long to see the trap. Despite my many threads and posts, all as well thought out and as carefully worded as I was capable. Not to mention several letters written only to rest on my hard drive and never be delivered or shared, thay all carry a common flaw. The trap! After so much time, not only here, but in support groups and even in any self help or save your relationship book your going to find, the trap is already set! Simply put, we all rely on our own perception to dictate our actions toward others. Its right there if you look for it, but thread after thread goes on and on, falling into the trap over and over again. We look at our situation through our eyes, analyze the data and act, and then remain stymied why we did not receive the desired response. Thats because we all chose how we want to interpret things for ourselves. We all interpret the things around us in a way that suits our needs at the time. What was meant as a loving as selfless gesture can just as easily be twisted into being manipulative, controlling, even down right evil, or whatever suits your purposes. Ye t we only see the meaning that we have put on it, our intentions for executing the action, not how it is received. Going through my divorce I had things as innocent as a pat on the shoulder turn in to a shouting match by the way it was chosen to be interpreted. Heck, the way I parked my car or even where i had chosen to sit was even turned against me. Imagine, walking into a room, selecting a chair and having the other person select the floor..... and the berating you for sitting in a manner that lords over them! I know this is rambling, and thats because i'm in a bad way today, but this is something that has floated in the back of my mind for awhile now and seeing all the posts of why did he think this and why did she do that. Its because everyone experiences things in their own way and it takes a VERY concious effort to see another persons point of view. I couldn't do it, even when i thought I could. TOJAZ 2
twice shy Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 i think this is an excellent observation. an earnest action does not guarantee an earnest reception. i think most people who are in relationships have experienced this at one point or other. a friend of mine fell off her bike and i said something funny to cheer her up and she unloaded on me about being insensitive to her feelings. if you're going through a divorce or separation, i suspect that the other partner is already predisposed to do this. they're not looking to be receptive to your kind and conciliatory approaches. quite the opposite. her mind is already made up. people generally do what they want, then look around for evidence to support those actions and reactions. it's just life. i'm sorry that you seem to have had a bad run of it of late. but hell unrequited love is one of the recurring themes in life. but after going through this, you should be scarred but smarter. 2
Author tojaz Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 Everyone experiences it in one fashion or another. Its just human nature and depends on your viewpoint because the trap inflicts those on both ends of the spectrum. Best way I can equate it is to think of an old car. In one state of mind, a person who wants something nicer and newer will see the rust, the rock chips, stains in the carpet etc. even if the vehicle is perfectly serviceable every squeak and rattle will become suspect and a way to devalue it. On the other side is a person who loves that old jalopy, thats the person that says that the dents and scrapes add character and the wear and tear just mean its broken in. Somewhere in the middle lies the truth of the matter, something that has its strengths and its weaknesses, left to be interpreted by the beholder. Shift that back to an emotional level and all the complications that a person can add to the equation and the views sway wildly based on the context of the situation. The person we love is rarely as perfect as we describe, and the person who is left is even more rarely as bad as they are made out to be. Entire people, marriages, and even histories become warped into whatever the person telling the story needs. I can remember looking back at my relationship as close to perfection, yet my ex was able to describe it in such a way as to depict indentured servitude. Neither was really the truth, but what we both needed to believe at the time. TOJAZ 2
worldgonewrong Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Tojaz - I am really enjoying your prescient thoughts. more, more!
Author tojaz Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 Tojaz - I am really enjoying your prescient thoughts. more, more! This thread started out form another discussion where I had asked people to Timeline what had happened in their D, which had obviously lead me to evaluate mine as well. I don't know that it should be considered prescient. Every situation has its own details, but there are times when patterns emerge if you read enough stories.... and find enough distance from your own to be able to look back a little more objectively. If that helps someone get ahead of the curve a little then I'm a happy man. TOJAZ 1
trippi1432 Posted April 2, 2012 Posted April 2, 2012 Somewhere in the middle lies the truth of the matter Couldn't have said it better myself...seems to be par for the course of most who come here when the answers to that lie within them.
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