carrie999 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 My close friends are going through separation. Here's the background: they've been pretty much alienated for years, but never fought. Their marriage just fell apart. They have never had a good sex life, and there was never any passion. They just lived fairly comfortably for half a decade. After their house was flooded last summer, he told her he wanted to separate, and they did. She moved into her parents' house, and he stayed in their house and started working on it. They started talking about things, but most of their time together was at family events and holidays. Finally, he told her nearly six months later that he didn't think it would work out and wanted to be alone. She leased her own apartment, and moved out this month. I know he has no interest in reconciling, and despite her early denial of the situation, she's finally admitted that he can technically serve her divorce papers, since she signed a one year lease, and that shows her intention (legally) to be separated for the year that is requisite to them divorcing. She's working on herself and getting IC, and he's not. He is not interested in making this marriage work. What do you think about this situation? She knows on some level that it's over, but she's fighting to the end to save her marriage. At what point do you give up? He did a long time ago...
tojaz Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Speaking as someone that fought the good fight and lost. I stand by my belief that you fight to the last breath. As I stand here 3 years later and in all honesty a very damaged man, the one thing I do keep and hold near and dear is that i didn't give up on her. I have been in a state of reflection the last few days, and have been looking back at some of the things i had written. There are a lot of things I would have done differently, a lot of things i had to learn along the way, both about people and myself. In the end though, all i can say is that I fought for marriage because I believed in it. I managed to dodge the traps of bitterness and anger and I walked out the other side battered and bruised, but whole. I'm not happy about the result, doubt I ever will be, but I am able to hold my head up and say that even in the darkest of hours and against the odds, I loved her in good times and in bad, and I never gave up on her, even long after she had given up on me. TOJAZ 4
woinlove Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Speaking as someone that fought the good fight and lost. I stand by my belief that you fight to the last breath. As I stand here 3 years later and in all honesty a very damaged man, the one thing I do keep and hold near and dear is that i didn't give up on her. I have been in a state of reflection the last few days, and have been looking back at some of the things i had written. There are a lot of things I would have done differently, a lot of things i had to learn along the way, both about people and myself. In the end though, all i can say is that I fought for marriage because I believed in it. I managed to dodge the traps of bitterness and anger and I walked out the other side battered and bruised, but whole. I'm not happy about the result, doubt I ever will be, but I am able to hold my head up and say that even in the darkest of hours and against the odds, I loved her in good times and in bad, and I never gave up on her, even long after she had given up on me. TOJAZ I think this is worth a lot, actually worth pretty much everything, the fact that you acted out of love and caring for your spouse and so you can come out with head held high, with your self-esteem intact. I suspect in the case carrie999 is describing that the man is not acting out of love and in fact is being dishonest with his wife. Note she says "finally" he told her, as if he already knew and only got around to telling her 6 months later. Carrie, is this the man who has been involved in a 2 year secret affair and is still keeping it secret from his W or is this someone else? Is he being honest with his W or deceiving her? That makes all the difference.
standtall Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 he told her he wanted to separate, and they did. Finally, he told her nearly six months later that he didn't think it would work out and wanted to be alone.. I know he has no interest in reconciling, Enough said..tell your friend to move on, she can't force him to stay.
woinlove Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 (edited) Enough said..tell your friend to move on, she can't force him to stay. What if carrie is having an A with her friend's H? Would your advice be the same? Perhaps carrie can tell us if she is referring to her MM and his W or to another couple. From the timeline, it sounds like her MM and his W, but perhaps it is just another couple she is friends with going through something similar at the same time sans the affair. If this is your MM's W, my advice would be to stop trying to act like her friend giving her advice about her M, as you are not an unbiased participant. If it is another couple, I would just try to support her and encourage her in developing an independent life. Edited March 28, 2012 by woinlove
standtall Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 What if carrie is having an A with her friend's H? Would your advice be the same? Perhaps carrie can tell us if she is referring to her MM and his W or to another couple. Of course..but why she make up a "my friend" story?
woinlove Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 (edited) Of course..but why she make up a "my friend" story? Pre-affair, carrie started out as friends with both MM and his W, and his W doesn't know anything about the A and considers carrie to be her friend. So it would not be made up at all - it would be true - just some information would be left out that some people would find relevant. Edited March 28, 2012 by woinlove
Author carrie999 Posted June 28, 2012 Author Posted June 28, 2012 What if carrie is having an A with her friend's H? Would your advice be the same? Perhaps carrie can tell us if she is referring to her MM and his W or to another couple. From the timeline, it sounds like her MM and his W, but perhaps it is just another couple she is friends with going through something similar at the same time sans the affair. If this is your MM's W, my advice would be to stop trying to act like her friend giving her advice about her M, as you are not an unbiased participant. If it is another couple, I would just try to support her and encourage her in developing an independent life. Yes, it's the same couple, and I have never been MM's sbtxw's friend, exactly. When she first moved into her own place, I helped her set it up and gave her advice on how to handle the bills and that sort of thing. I have spent nearly a year mostly distancing myself from her, and extricating myself from their situation, because it's not healthy. They've been apart since last summer, and they still meet weekly after work to talk. She's going through therapy, and still relies too heavily on him and me for advice, but that has become more sporadic lately. Eventually she's going to be angry with him (she's shown signs of it, but still has misguided hope), and that will be healthy. So far, she still tries to get together with him just to hang out, and it's awkward. I still maintain that there's no point in crushing her by telling her the truth about our affair. That wasn't what broke them up, and it will only hurt her more...not because it was with me, but because he was unfaithful in the first place. Why put her through that? Again, I wasn't with my friend's husband. I befriended her (somewhat) through MM.
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