paloma22 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 (edited) This is a slight extension from another thread, but here goes: HOW DO YOU SPOT A MULTIDATER ONLINE? I recently joined OkCupid, and have a date lined up next week with a super cute guy, who I've been emailing back and forth. We seem to have a lot in common, bla bla bla. In the stupid OKC 'questions', he sounds like a player (doesn't everyone though?), saying he is only interested in sex right now (not true love), and that he would date multiple people at one time, etc. But, his profile says interested in new friends, short & long term dating. I realize most guys on these free dating sites are dating many women at one time, but how do you really know? I guess you don't. Like another poster has brought up, he ALWAYS seems to be online.. SO, other than this lame questionnaire, how do I spot a multi dater? How should I go about this date with self-proclaimed 'multidater' ? Edited March 28, 2012 by paloma22
january2011 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Ask him directly what he thinks about multidating and if he's doing it. Hope he's honest.
FitChick Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 how do I spot a multi dater? How should I go about this date with self-proclaimed 'multidater' ? Didn't you answer your own question? 1
starla33 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 okcupid = land of multi-daters i know some not very attractive guys on there that have gotten a 5 dates a week...guess some girls on there are not too picky.
Author paloma22 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 okcupid = land of multi-daters i know some not very attractive guys on there that have gotten a 5 dates a week...guess some girls on there are not too picky. eesh, i can only imagine the dates this guy is racking up. Is it wrong to casually ask him if he's dating multiple people without sounding nuts? Rather, is there a better way to weed this out? Guess I better be careful. Ya, looks like people aren't too picky.
starla33 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 eesh, i can only imagine the dates this guy is racking up. Is it wrong to casually ask him if he's dating multiple people without sounding nuts? Rather, is there a better way to weed this out? Guess I better be careful. Ya, looks like people aren't too picky. I've gotten insanely picky and careful with online dating these days. I pretty much state in my profile I'm not looking to casually date and if a guy sounds like hes not mature or looking for "fun" i will pass on him. I think these days I just wait till it starts getting more intimate and bring up that I will only sleep with one person and expect them to as well. If they are not ok with that I'm out. So you might want to just ask that ahead of time.
mostlyclueless Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Wait, you have gone on zero dates with him and you expect total exclusivity from him? What? 7
LexiB Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 This is a slight extension from another thread, but here goes: HOW DO YOU SPOT A MULTIDATER ONLINE? I recently joined OkCupid, and have a date lined up next week with a super cute guy, who I've been emailing back and forth. We seem to have a lot in common, bla bla bla. In the stupid OKC 'questions', he sounds like a player (doesn't everyone though?), saying he is only interested in sex right now (not true love), and that he would date multiple people at one time, etc. But, his profile says interested in new friends, short & long term dating. I realize most guys on these free dating sites are dating many women at one time, but how do you really know? I guess you don't. Like another poster has brought up, he ALWAYS seems to be online.. See this is what I don't get: people who complain about "multidaters" in OLD keep saying same thing - "s/he is ALWAYS online". But how the heck would you know unless you're online as much as they are? Genuinely confused as to how "always online" can be brought up as a negative for a potential love interest when the person complaining about it is guilty of it too. 3
Andy_K Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 See this is what I don't get: people who complain about "multidaters" in OLD keep saying same thing - "s/he is ALWAYS online". But how the heck would you know unless you're online as much as they are? Genuinely confused as to how "always online" can be brought up as a negative for a potential love interest when the person complaining about it is guilty of it too. Not really... if someone is online every time you are, chances are they must be on a LOT of times when you aren't. Otherwise it would be an incredible coincidence to both keep logging in and out at exactly the same time!
veggirl Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Confused! His profile SAYS he is just looking for sex, why would you go on a date with him period? Anyone looking for a real relationship won't be listed as looking for sex ANYWHERE on his profile.
Mantis Toboggan Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 eesh, i can only imagine the dates this guy is racking up. Is it wrong to casually ask him if he's dating multiple people without sounding nuts? Rather, is there a better way to weed this out? Guess I better be careful. Ya, looks like people aren't too picky. Well, you weed him out through the process of dating. That's what dating is. Finding out about the person. Do they match your values...your interests....your humor...your sexuality. You can't put a stamp on all the qualities that'll make someone the perfect husband in date#1. Oh, and will you sound nuts if you casually ask him about his dating habits? Yeah. Kinda. Or at very least, you'll sound like you're hell-bent on having a serious relationship....before you've even determined if you casually like the person.
starla33 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Confused! His profile SAYS he is just looking for sex, why would you go on a date with him period? Anyone looking for a real relationship won't be listed as looking for sex ANYWHERE on his profile. Yea exactly if it says that anywhere in his profile run away.
LexiB Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Not really... if someone is online every time you are, chances are they must be on a LOT of times when you aren't. Otherwise it would be an incredible coincidence to both keep logging in and out at exactly the same time! But you're doing a whole lot of assuming there! That the person logged in an out at exactly the same times as you, would be far fetched, but simply that they happened to be on at the same time as you, or last logged on close to the same time period? Not so much. 1
Mantis Toboggan Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Yea exactly if it says that anywhere in his profile run away. I think she's talking about those stupid multiple choice questions that OK Cupid asks you. It's not like he actually WROTE in his profile, "So, ladies, I'm only looking to bang." (i could be wrong) And not to stick up for a guy that i know nothing about, but there's a weird balance you have to have in those profiles. You don't want to answer all the questions as if you're desperately seeking "true love" because you'll sound like a clinger. On the other side, you don't want to sound like a creepy sexual dude either. The goal is to sound like you genuinely enjoy the process of dating and meeting people, while also hoping that one day you'll find that right match.
Author paloma22 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Wait, you have gone on zero dates with him and you expect total exclusivity from him? What? lol, no obviously not. calm down. i just want to know if i should be assuming he is dating other people at once? or is it wrong to inquire on the first date casually?
ThatDudeXO Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Multi dater? I'm on OKC and I'm having zero luck. And I'm considered a good looking guy by what I'm told!
Buck Turgidson Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Why even bother to ask such an awkward question when the answer is probably "yes," since that's what dating IS. You should always assume that your date is not dating you exclusively until you've agreed on exclusivity. 3
Author paloma22 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 I think she's talking about those stupid multiple choice questions that OK Cupid asks you. It's not like he actually WROTE in his profile, "So, ladies, I'm only looking to bang." (i could be wrong) And not to stick up for a guy that i know nothing about, but there's a weird balance you have to have in those profiles. You don't want to answer all the questions as if you're desperately seeking "true love" because you'll sound like a clinger. On the other side, you don't want to sound like a creepy sexual dude either. The goal is to sound like you genuinely enjoy the process of dating and meeting people, while also hoping that one day you'll find that right match. Mantis, you're right. its in those multiple choice questions that he says 'interested in sex' and 'would you sleep with someone after 1-2 dates? yes', etc etc. I mean, all those questions need to be taken with a grain of salt right? I'm not defending this type of answer, but wouldn't a 25 year old guy look like a big lameo if he wrote "looking for true love" and "sleep with someone after 15++ dates" ?? girls don't necessarily like that **** either (they like a challenge).
Author paloma22 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Multi dater? I'm on OKC and I'm having zero luck. And I'm considered a good looking guy by what I'm told! aha! and there is hope. i guess thats sort of what i was looking for here. lol.
gotye Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 uh, if the guys I talk to expect me to only be dating them after a message convo online THEY ARE NUTS I am not exclusive until it is agreed on, EVER
mostlyclueless Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 If he is not dating other people, he is actively trying to. I think it's appropriate to bring up your goals and current dating status on the first date and make it clear that you're interested in knowing his. Although I think it is more typical for that kind of thing to come up around the third date on.
starla33 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 If he is not dating other people, he is actively trying to. I think it's appropriate to bring up your goals and current dating status on the first date and make it clear that you're interested in knowing his. Although I think it is more typical for that kind of thing to come up around the third date on. Yeah I have found this as well. Especially when you are thinking of sleeping with them.
Mantis Toboggan Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 (edited) If he is not dating other people, he is actively trying to. I think it's appropriate to bring up your goals and current dating status on the first date and make it clear that you're interested in knowing his. Although I think it is more typical for that kind of thing to come up around the third date on. Maybe this is a bit philosophical, but: Wouldn't your dating goals depend on the person you're with? You could sit down with someone on the first date and agree that you're both looking for something "serious", and still end up broken up after a month. Which, in essence, makes it no more "serious" than any other fling. My point being that dating has to be light and carefree in the beginning, because you don't really have anything "serious" to hang your hat on. I mean, obviously you don't want to attempt to date someone who's f**king half of your city. But that's what dating is for, right? Finding out about these people. A Questions & Answers session will only get you but so far. It just seems like sitting down with someone and telling them (on the first date) that this relationship will be serious, or you're walking out, might be putting the cart before the horse. Edited March 28, 2012 by Mantis Toboggan
turt Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 You'll have to date them to find out in most cases! The questions should be pretty indicative of what the person is about. Unless you are actually together, I don't see anything wrong with logging in the site after you had a first date. You don't even know each other at that point! At least in my experience, meeting someone doesn't mean it will go anywhere at all. Why would anyone want to ignore everyone else for someone that may have no intentions of staying with the other?
mostlyclueless Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Mantis, yes and no. My current partner had specific relationship goals before we met that he is unwilling to compromise on in a long-term relationship (relating to geography and kids). He knows that these items are deal-breakers for him, so he put them on the table early. By saying "I want to have kids soon and it is a priority for me," he wasn't saying, "And I know I want to have them with you." Instead, it meant, "So if you know right now you don't want kids, we can only date casually, or not at all."
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