silkfox Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 So, I guess some backstory: my boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year. We talked at least once a day, really close, and I felt like he was a best friend. We took a vacation together, he took me home to visit his family, and we struggled with my family not being as welcoming. We are both in school and lead demanding lives. It wasn't uncommon for some days to have one of us pull away for a bit while we work. He is an anxious person, and has been working on it for much of his adult life. A few days ago he contacted me saying he felt like he needed time apart. He said he wasn't sure about us, thought about it for ages, and didn't want to hurt me. He first said he didnt want to break up, then said he isn't in a position to be in a healthy relationship. Its been very confusing for me-- I have no idea what he wants. I've talked to him twice since, but nothing has been resolved beyond him stating he isn't doing what he wants to do but has to do. I just don't know what to do. Are we broken up? Does he just need some space while he deals with school and gets his head on straight? I just hate sitting here, wanting to talk to him to at least clarify our relationship status (which neither of us have dissolved, Facebook wise) but stopping myself before I come across as crazy.
january2011 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. In which case, he's not going to be able to convey it to you coherently. I would begin the process of moving on and treat this like a break up rather than hang around in confusion and pain waiting for another word from him.
Author silkfox Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Thanks for the reply, first off! I just don't know if moving on is the right thing to do. I haven't shied away from a break up in the past if I knew it to be right, but this one... just doesn't feel like we've hit the expiry date. I feel like he's coming from a place of anxiety and stress, and if I could hang on while he gets past it, we'd be the better for it. But I also know how unfair this is to me to be hanging on. It, quite frankly, sucks. Let's say, worst case scenario, I did not treat this as a break up. Should I wait for him to contact me first? Or give him a few days, then ask if we could talk about how he feels regarding the relationship? I really (really really) want to do the latter, as I know when his last exam is this week... but I feel like I would only come across as clingy and desperate, rather than compassionate and caring.
january2011 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I suggest giving it at least a week before contacting him again if you feel that you really need to. He may need some breathing space after his final exam and it could take some time for him to wind down into a stable emotional and mental state that will allow him to participate fully in a discussion about your relationship.
Author silkfox Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 I think you're right. Thank you; I really appreciate your objective opinions while I'm in such a frazzled place.
EgoJoe Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 How old are the both of you, what year in school etc?
Author silkfox Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 We're both in our mid 20's, though he's a few years older. I am just finishing up my first degree, he is starting his second.
NewYorker2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 It's a tough call. I was in a similar situation (though with very different underlying circumstances) with my ex-GF...finally posted about it yesterday. It's difficult when they sort of leave you wondering if it is a temporary thing or if the "break" is really a full blown break-up. For me, I went 6 weeks NC, and finally decided that I wanted to make absolutely sure that I wasn't missing something and that there was no way to fix it. I'd give him some time to think about what it's like not having you. Just leave him alone for a week or two. Just be prepared that when you finally reach out again (if you do decide to do that), you may not get an answer you want, or any answer at all, and it's not going to feel great. It's the risk you run to try to save it, but at least you won't have any further question about it and can start to move on for good. Good luck and sorry to hear you're having to deal with this.
Author silkfox Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 (edited) Thanks for all your advice, guys! I really appreciate it. I'm... actually really bad at the NC thing. Not just because I miss him (and I do, believe me), but because I also worry about how he's holding up. We last talked on Sunday-- nothing huge, just some small talk over Facebook-- and I was sure that I could bury my head in work for at least a week. Cut to today, and I found myself calling and leaving a voice mail asking him to call me back when he could. To his credit, he did text back to say he was busy and asked if everything was alright. I immediately felt stupid; I told him yeah, I just had a free moment and wanted to see if he was free too, and wished him luck with his assignments. Blerg. I know I should be giving him space, but I feel like I'm not doing that horrible of a job at it given how out-of-the-blue the entire thing has felt for me. Edit: You're both right, though. I need to give this at least a week before I ask we talk about it. Any advice on how to get through it without another moment of weakness? Edited March 28, 2012 by silkfox
january2011 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Fill your days with friends, family and other things to do where you're not alone. You need distraction. Physical activity would be ideal. Try googling 'meetup' and seeing what groups in your local area. Make sure every minute of your day is accounted for so that you will not be left to your own thoughts with nothing to do. It won't keep him out of your mind completely but hopefully it will keep you occupied enough that you don't spend every waking moment thinking about him, just now and again.
Author silkfox Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 So, I guess a quick update: I'm learning how bad I actually really am at this NC thing. I was beating myself up a bit over the phone call fiasco, but, figured it wasn't that bad. He didn't seem annoyed, and I figured "Well okay, I had a slip up. We all slip up. Now I can definitely just keep to myself." ... except I couldn't. I kept busy all day today, read some books and watched some movies, and thought I should check on the ol' Facebook. Well. There he was online, and I don't know what came over me, but I thought it would be a good idea to message him and ask how his exam went. Three hours later, he has not responded to me. Which I guess is... a blessing in disguise? I obviously am no good at the whole "space" thing; I tend to think a day or two of ZERO contact is already a huge amount of space. Which, obviously, is not the case. One thing that is really bothering me, and I know this is such a crazy detail, but I could use some input on it: The Facebook Relationship Status. I haven't changed it; he hasn't changed it. Am I reading too much into that? It's been a week since we had our break up/space talk... would he have changed it by now, or is he just politely waiting for me to? Or is it one big awkward thing we're refusing to acknowledge
NewYorker2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 No one here can "convince" you not to contact him. There are a number of NC threads out there and you should really read them again anytime you feel like contacting this guy. The bottom line is, he said he needed some time apart. His definition of apart is probably not constantly conversing with you. I can pretty much guarantee that if he wants to speak with you or has come to some decision about things, he will get in touch with you. NC is tough, but you have to understand that constantly pursuing him when he has asked for time is only going to push him further away. I know what you're going through, so this isn't meant to sound harsh but you HAVE to suck it up for now if you want to have any hope of him coming around. I recently broke NC after 6 weeks, but I did it as a conscious decision and not out of some heartbroken panic or need to speak with her. I got my answer, it hurt terribly, and I'm back to NC and will NEVER reach out to her again. It's what she wants and what I need. Same thing here...give this guy some space. As much as you want to speak to him, there is virtually no way that doing so is going to "convince" him to come back, and if he does just to appease you, it likely won't last as his indecision will just come back. He needs to decide what he wants all on his own. The best way, at this point to "get him back" is to let him feel what he is missing. Hang in there. If you feel like you have to talk to someone...post here and people will respond. I'll keep an eye out.
NewYorker2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 As for the FB status, he probably isn't even thinking about it. You might just be reading too much into it and obsessing over it. He is probably thinking about your relationship about one fifth of the time that you are devoting to it and simply hasn't come to a decision one way or another. Even if he has, he probably isn't going to change that relationship status until he talks to you and finalizes things one way or another...at least he won't if he is any kind of decent person.
Author silkfox Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 Thanks, NY! I really appreciate your feedback. So he did end up replying yesterday. We talked for a bit; I asked how he was feeling, and he said he didn't feel much like getting into it, which was fine with me. We ended up shooting the breeze for a bit, talked about tv shows we watch (we used to watch RuPaul's Drag Race together religiously, haha). Finally I apologized for not being so great at exhibiting patience and that I was having a rough week. He replied saying he was having a bad week too, but he liked having the time to think. All in all, it was a pretty neutral-toned conversation. However, it definitely solidified in my mind how important NC is going to be. You're all right: there is no way he is going to come to his own decision if I'm continuously popping up. If anything he'll just learn to hate me and that's the exact opposite of what I want. I need to focus on me right now. I've definitely lost a bit of myself in this relationship. I'm normally an incredibly driven person, and looking back, I feel like I grew lax in his company. I guess what I do want is for him to come back to me-- but I have to accept that it might not happen, and just focus on reaching my own goals. I do resent him a bit-- not for needing space, but that he's putting me through this during the busiest week of my academic career. So in that regard, it's been nice to have a negative kernel to think of whenever I feel weak and mushy. I want to thank everyone, again, for being so great. I hope to use these forums I bit more extensively. I've already been reading a ton of stories in this section, and they've all given me so much perspective. Hopefully when I next feel a moment of weakness, or sadness, I'll take to this thread and post about it in order to work through the anxiety of "needing" him.
Author silkfox Posted March 31, 2012 Author Posted March 31, 2012 One of the posts I liked reading on here equated NC to quitting an addiction cold turkey. I never made the connection in my mind before, but when I stop and think about it, it seems so apt. The other I enjoyed reading analyzed heart break, saying that it's human nature to want to reach out and communicate in order to "solve the problem". I feel like a textbook example of both of these. It was so jarring for me to have this person who I've come to rely on suddenly be pulled out from under me. Coupled with that need to "fix" it, I can see why I've been so bad at focusing on myself. Part of it too is the ambiguity of the situation. I feel like in my heart of heart's this is a break up, but my head refuses to let go of those moments where he said he "just needs time". But, I know I can't focus on those: I have no idea if they are genuine, or him simply attempting to spare my feelings. Even with more insight on my part, I still feel the temptation to reach out. Yesterday was a good day, but I know it was because I was surrounded by friends at a sleep over and simply couldn't contact him. I'll just have to take this day by day now, and hope that as time goes on I'll feel better.
blindesided Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 Let me give you my perspective on NC. I have been on both sides of the fence. I am a nice person - when someone sends me a text or e-mail - I feel obligated to respond. I know that could be considered a good or bad thing. I am just no good at ignoring someone. So that being said - I have had ex's send me text or e-mail - randomly asking how I am ect... (these were guys I broke up with for various reasons) Now its ok to hear from them - so I'll text back and see what they are up to ect.. I hope I am not giving them false hope of getting back together - I just cant ignore someone. And its ok to catch up every blue moon - but in no way would I take any of them back. So anytime I want to contact my recent ex (who broke up with me) - I try to conjure up the feelings I get when someone I dont care about anymore texts me. Sometimes I am annoyed but still respond. I never want him to feel that way about me - he too is like me & has said that he responds to all texts and emails - he cant ignore them either. So if I would get a response from him - it might just be a pity response & that would suck even worse!
Author silkfox Posted March 31, 2012 Author Posted March 31, 2012 blindsided-- of course, you're absolutely right. I can think of a time in my life too when someone I dumped contacted me weeks after the fact. Granted, the situation was a lot different (we had only been dating for two maybe three months, never told each other we loved each other), but I remember the awkward feeling in my gut when he told me he missed me. All I could muster in response was a "Oh, thank you for your honesty", and he never contacted me again after that. It helps to remember being on the other side of the fence, for sure. I've also had a lot of great support from family and friends over the last few days. It doesn't help dull the pain of loss, but it helps with the feeling that I know I'll be okay no matter what the outcome is.
Author silkfox Posted April 3, 2012 Author Posted April 3, 2012 Progress report! It's been four days of NC now (technically three, but I'm counting today as I don't foresee myself/himself reaching out). It's been a... strange ride. The first thing I've realized is just how much more time I have on my hands. Not that we had a relationship where we would see each other every day, but it's surreal not having this other person occupy that particular space of "need" in my mind. Now it's just... me. Do I want to take a stroll in the park? Sure, why not! Not that it has been easy. I still think about him a lot, and it still brings that pang in my stomach. It isn't as bad as those first few days after the break, but it's still there. I'm coming to terms that he won't want to be with me, but a part of me still hopes that he'll reach out and say he misses me. I've cut down on my lurking on here. It was nice at first to find other stories of heartbreak, but I found the more I read the more I kept dwelling on the issue. I feel better when I focus on myself, so, that's going to be what I do. But I like visiting LS sometimes, especially to write a post. I love my friends, but I know I can only bog them down with my thoughts so much before they grow weary. I guess that's it for now. I know four (three) days of NC isn't anything to brag about, but it's been something of a personal success.
Author silkfox Posted April 11, 2012 Author Posted April 11, 2012 I did a lot of things today. I stopped beating myself up for being weak and texting him on Sunday, wishing him a Happy Easter. I also stopped feeling weird about not having him text me back. Finally, I took down that stupid facebook relationship status-- it's been three weeks since we had that talk. If he was as invested as I'd hoped he would be, we would have had some kind of meaningful talk by now. But I think the best part of all is that I feel absolutely fine. I've had a great time being alone-- I invested so much of myself in that relationship that I completely forgot who I was as an individual. And it's been... great. It was rough (like any transitional period is, for sure) but I feel good. I let a friend set me up on a blind date yesterday. I felt like it might have been too soon, but conceded on her insistence. It certainly wasn't anything serious (I think she was kind enough and let him know I was freshly dumped), but I'm glad I went along with it. He was sweet, and I genuinely had a good time. It was nice to feel... I want to say attractive? Not that I depend on someone else's opinion of me for validation, but it never hurts. All in all: I'm doing well. I'm learning my lessons, mourning what I lost and not what I never had, and keeping my head high. 1
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