Got Back Together But It Feels Wrong?

[Foreverstrong]

I am new here. My boyfriend is 21 and I am 19, we have been dating for 3 years and were engaged to be married next summer. On March 24th we had a huge fight because I had waited for him to meet me all day when we had plans, not only did he forget about it... he came home after I told him I was at my breaking point and then left again with his friend to prove a point. Moments later I was so enraged I texted him we were over...

 

I soon realized my mistake and I tried to fix it but he wouldn't listen to me, his friend made him turn off his phone to ignore me. Later on he did contact me and we agreed to talk the following day and we confirmed that we were still together.

 

The next day I had high hopes. But when I arrived at his house he showed no emotion towards me which made me so upset I had to leave. I returned minutes later and we started to talk but his friend had showed up to take him away again.. he apparently called the second I left. I then accidentally swung my keys and hit him in the arm before I left. He then chased me around town with his friend for the next hour because he had my keys but I wouldn't stay put because he wanted his friend to give them back, not himself.

 

Well that night I had messaged him and we agreed we would talk on the 26th about it and I said I had a solution to everything. He seemed to be excited about it. I spent hours on Monday writing a 3 page note for everything I needed to tell him. He read it and said that it was heartfelt but he didn't want to get back together with me.

 

I was crushed. I sobbed and cried and screamed. My only hope was that he'd say all was forgiven since we never actually broke up. He somehow convinced me to lay down with him for a bit and he then said he needed a while to think about it, that only made me cry harder. He then told me he needed a few days to think whether or not he wanted me back and I agreed with that but I was still upset. He just kept saying things that leaned towards a "no".

 

I had cried for hours while I was there because every touch made me think it would be the last time we would ever be like that, that in a couple days we'd be nothing. He eventually said he'd give me a second chance (wasn't my idea). But the catch was that any fights for the next few months mean break up and we had to keep it a secret.

 

It doesn't feel real by keeping it secret. I think he wants to seem tough in front of his family and friends by not taking me back... but at the same time he loves me so much and wanted me back. It is really bothering me because I can't call him when his friends are with him and he will never text "I love you" anymore because they might see it and find out.

 

I don't know how I can convince him to just tell them. I know they'll be really mad at him because he drug them into the middle of it when we started fighting and don't want to go through it again.

 

I am also scared that this is going to make it easier for him to leave me. If he wants to dump me it wouldn't impact anyone cause no one knows about me. It leaves him no restrictions for seeing other people because there will be no one to tell me he is cheating because no one knows he would be cheating on me. I don't want to be seen as that "friend with benefits" girl who he just has to string along.

Edited March 28, 2012 by Foreverstrong
Missed Info

[Million.to.1]

This really sucks. - i feel for you.

 

I think it feels wrong, because it is. The relationship is broken and it's only going to hurt you if you stick around. He seems to be scared to let you go completely so has created this ridiculous set of rules to try and keep everyone happy and you as an option.

By accepting this offer, you are agreeing to give him what he wants at the expense of your own happiness. He will lose respect for you in a situation like this and will push the boundaries further of how much he can get away with and how much you will put up with. It will be awful for you.

 

You are young, this is your first big love. I beg you - leave him, go no contact and stop begging. There are some great posts here about no contact and how it can really help with a break-up. I think that your self esteem will take a terrible hit if you allow this relationship to continue under those conditions.

 

You must be strong and know that you are worthy of great love and no one who loves would hide you.

[KathyM]

This is too dysfunctional of a set up. Either you're together or you're not. Holding this threat over your head that if there's one more argument and your relationship is over creates too much of an imbalance of power, and for him to be keeping your relationship a secret is just disrespectful to you. I'd suggest you tell him you need to have an honest, open relationship with him, and not have these conditions placed on it.

[Foreverstrong]

I do kind of agree with him though about the one more strike idea. Lately our fights have been getting a bit out of hand and I feel that this should of been the wake up call to start fixing things. We knew something was wrong but neither of us actually were working towards making it right... I guess things have to hit rock bottom before you start fixing it.

 

I can to a point understand why he doesn't want people to know... I just don't want this to be a thing that he gets himself in too far and can't lie his way out of. Eventually one of his friends will see us kiss somewhere or he'll leave a text message open. I am thinking about confronting him about this but I don't want to seem like I am demanding he tell everyone. I think that if we make it without conflict for at least 2 weeks he can start telling his friends that we are back together and working on it because it seems like a good buffer. I know I wouldn't want to tell my friends we broke up and then the next day tell them we're back together to only tell them a week later we broke up again...

 

The problem is that this break up came out of no where, it was the result of one weekend where I was overstressed by school and he did something so disrespectful it just enraged me. We love each other so much and we still want to get married in a couple years but I just feel like he is trying to make the wrong people happy. I just want him to be able to stand up to his friends instead of trying to make it look like he is standing up to me.