anyidea Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I have been married for 6 years to a great wife and mom of our 2 year old son and live in Arizona. I was just thinking about how great my life was. Then things changed quickly when I saw a FB message from someone that I suspected she cheated on me with when we were dating back in college (in Texas). I confronted her about it and she just acted strange. I asked her again if anything happened between them when we ere dating and she said "no"...then we silently went to bed. The next night she decided to come clean. She told me that they had sex twice while we were dating (7+ years ago). I was extremely hurt because I am the type of person that would never cheat...I have walked away from several opportunities because I always loved her. Then I asked her about another situation a suspect in college with my roomate. She confesed to be on cocaine and drunk and having a threesome (no sex) with my roomate and another girl while I was sleeping in the next room. This is my fantasy, except she did it with someone else! I can't stop thinking about it!!! I broke off my friendship with him and moved out just because I suspected something (deep down I knew)....they told me nothing happened. Finding out the details destroyed me and continues to weigh on my mind and affect my work and my ability to be happy. I would not have married her if I would have known these things, but I'm happy I didn't know. She is a different person now and I truly believe she has been faithful ever since we got engaged and will continue to be faithful. I suspected both of these situations and ignored them becuase I didn't want to be put in the position to leave. I have had no suspicions since. I know I can forgive her for her, but I don't know how to forget about it. I'm ashamed to talk about this to anyone. I would really appreicate any advice people can share. Please.....
january2011 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 It happened, you can't change it and you can't forget it. But surely the harder part is to forgive and you've said that you will, so what is holding you back from moving on? If you cannot move on, then you need to decide if this is a big enough dealbreaker to divorce her, since it seems she has done all she can to 'make it up to you' and none of that has resulted in a satisfactory resolution for you.
carhill Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I know I can forgive her for her, but I don't know how to forget about it. I'm ashamed to talk about this to anyone. I would really appreicate any advice people can share. Please..... You don't 'forget'. You 'accept'. It is the past. Who is standing next to you in the present? That's the person you love in the now. If you want to learn tools to accept the past, try seeing a professional. You can learn how to process the same information in a different way; one which respects her past mistakes and poor choices and acknowledges her present love for and fidelity to you. You have choices. Enlist her help. You're a team; a family. Welcome to LS 4
Lostinlife4now Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I have been married for 6 years to a great wife and mom of our 2 year old son and live in Arizona. I was just thinking about how great my life was. Then things changed quickly when I saw a FB message from someone that I suspected she cheated on me with when we were dating back in college (in Texas). I confronted her about it and she just acted strange. I asked her again if anything happened between them when we ere dating and she said "no"...then we silently went to bed. The next night she decided to come clean. She told me that they had sex twice while we were dating (7+ years ago). I was extremely hurt because I am the type of person that would never cheat...I have walked away from several opportunities because I always loved her. Then I asked her about another situation a suspect in college with my roomate. She confesed to be on cocaine and drunk and having a threesome (no sex) with my roomate and another girl while I was sleeping in the next room. This is my fantasy, except she did it with someone else! I can't stop thinking about it!!! I broke off my friendship with him and moved out just because I suspected something (deep down I knew)....they told me nothing happened. Finding out the details destroyed me and continues to weigh on my mind and affect my work and my ability to be happy. I would not have married her if I would have known these things, but I'm happy I didn't know. She is a different person now and I truly believe she has been faithful ever since we got engaged and will continue to be faithful. I suspected both of these situations and ignored them becuase I didn't want to be put in the position to leave. I have had no suspicions since. I know I can forgive her for her, but I don't know how to forget about it. I'm ashamed to talk about this to anyone. I would really appreicate any advice people can share. Please..... Welcome anyidea! Don't live in the past....People change.....just move on with your life and marriage..I am sure you have done things in your past that you are not proud of. We all have.
Bryanp Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 She was drunk and on cocaine and had a threesome but no sex??? This does not make sense. I think it is very sad she cheated and lied to you while you were dating and married you. I guess she learned a lesson that it is acceptable to lie and cheat on a partner if you get what you want.
The Matrix Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Reads like another fairy-tale of fiction troll posting to me.
woinlove Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I have been married for 6 years to a great wife and mom of our 2 year old son and live in Arizona. I was just thinking about how great my life was. Then things changed quickly when I saw a FB message from someone that I suspected she cheated on me with when we were dating back in college (in Texas). I confronted her about it and she just acted strange. I asked her again if anything happened between them when we ere dating and she said "no"...then we silently went to bed. The next night she decided to come clean. She told me that they had sex twice while we were dating (7+ years ago). I was extremely hurt because I am the type of person that would never cheat...I have walked away from several opportunities because I always loved her. Then I asked her about another situation a suspect in college with my roomate. She confesed to be on cocaine and drunk and having a threesome (no sex) with my roomate and another girl while I was sleeping in the next room. This is my fantasy, except she did it with someone else! I can't stop thinking about it!!! I broke off my friendship with him and moved out just because I suspected something (deep down I knew)....they told me nothing happened. Finding out the details destroyed me and continues to weigh on my mind and affect my work and my ability to be happy. I would not have married her if I would have known these things, but I'm happy I didn't know. She is a different person now and I truly believe she has been faithful ever since we got engaged and will continue to be faithful. I suspected both of these situations and ignored them becuase I didn't want to be put in the position to leave. I have had no suspicions since. I know I can forgive her for her, but I don't know how to forget about it. I'm ashamed to talk about this to anyone. I would really appreicate any advice people can share. Please..... I can see why this bothers you. She cheated and kept the deception up for years. Then when you ask she lies and says nothing happened. Then she confesses something (the truth or not who knows, maybe she slept with him 8 times, not 2, or 50). Then you have to ask about another specific situation and she says she was drunk, high on cocaine and had a threesome with no sex. Really? Seems strange. What stopped her since the combination of alcohol and cocaine causes poorer judgement and weaker boundaries and she apparently cheated when she was sober? But, what you might have to worry about is what about cases you haven't thought to specifically ask about, since she didn't tell you anything until you specifically asked, and even then she first lied. Her second could be a lie too, only a partial truth. The problem is with honesty. If she really is a changed person, why did she lie to you just now when you first asked? Doesn't sound that changed to me. Sorry, you are having to deal with this but she might need professional help to learn to be more honest and open.
Marcpatrick Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Reads like another fairy-tale of fiction troll posting to me. No, it can happen - it's hardly that extreme. To the OP, you'll have many feelings coursing through you: feeling stupid, jealousy, and angry, and even perhaps left out, because of your threesome fantasy. However, if you really love your partner you'll get over it. The best thing you can do is be open and understanding, without being a doormat. Remember, even the best of us make mistakes (we're all young and experimental at one point in our lives).
StoneCold Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Are you ok with the possibility that there may be many other occurences? 1
Author anyidea Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 No, it can happen - it's hardly that extreme. To the OP, you'll have many feelings coursing through you: feeling stupid, jealousy, and angry, and even perhaps left out, because of your threesome fantasy. However, if you really love your partner you'll get over it. The best thing you can do is be open and understanding, without being a doormat. Remember, even the best of us make mistakes (we're all young and experimental at one point in our lives). Thank you! You hit the nail on the head. How do I get it out of my head? That is my struggle...
Discjockey80 Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 I bet the hurt is in fact strangely compounded by feeling 'left out' of the other situation. Would she ever suspect you of having that sort of fantasy? I ask only because I'll bet it would absolutely blow her away if she knew she did something wild "behind your back" that you would have liked to do. This inidcates that both of you, at least back then, didn't really know each other maybe like you should have. That, and her honesty issues combined with the betrayal. Sounds like your marriage has been very blessed and thats good to hear. It's just unfortunate you have to find this out now. I do not know what to tell you that will get this out of your head. You probably have alot rushing through your mind right now. It's going to take both of you coming togeather even closer and working out why things were so complicated in the beginning and perhaps even asking her what her motivations for marrying you really were. It would disturb me to no end if I found out something this extensive, even from years back before you were engaged. ( 7 years) One of the things that always saddens me when I hear these stories is that you were faithful and even had things you thought about doing but you are/were the good boy who didn't do that, yet she did them and then when it was time she settled down and embarked on that dutiful married life with you. Again, focus on the good life and relationship you at least have now and use that to move forward.
nofool4u Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 I would not have married her if I would have known these things, but I'm happy I didn't know. She is a different person now and I truly believe she has been faithful ever since we got engaged and will continue to be faithful. I suspected both of these situations and ignored them becuase I didn't want to be put in the position to leave. I have had no suspicions since. I know I can forgive her for her, but I don't know how to forget about it. I'm ashamed to talk about this to anyone. I would really appreicate any advice people can share. Please..... You aren't going to forget about it. You can only come to a point where it doesn't consume your thoughts every minute of every day. Thats the best you can ever hope for. But you will never forget. And really, what would the problem be? Oh I can sit here and tell you that she is still a cheater whether she ever cheated again or not. I don't believe anyone is a "different person". They cheat because they loved the excitement of it and that desire never goes away unless they go through some chemical change, like something that would cause a reduced libido. But since you believe otherwise, then the memory of what she did shouldn't be a problem for you, should it? If she's so "different," then why is she communicating with an ex affair partner on Facebook? Exactly.
Author anyidea Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 You aren't going to forget about it. You can only come to a point where it doesn't consume your thoughts every minute of every day. Thats the best you can ever hope for. But you will never forget. And really, what would the problem be? Oh I can sit here and tell you that she is still a cheater whether she ever cheated again or not. I don't believe anyone is a "different person". They cheat because they loved the excitement of it and that desire never goes away unless they go through some chemical change, like something that would cause a reduced libido. But since you believe otherwise, then the memory of what she did shouldn't be a problem for you, should it? Exactly. I'm really not as dumb as I probably sound. I suspected both situations (not the details...just something) 7 years ago. I had a "feeling" with both...I just didn't want to investigate because I was afraid about what I'd find and what I would lose as a result. That "feeling" has never happened until the other night when I decided to read a my wife's Facebook IM message (for no reason other than instinct). I've thought over every last minute of our marriage and cannot find anything else. We moved out of state a week after college and there just isn't a doubt that she's been faithful since our marriage. The strangest part is that I trust her about 95% right now....I can't explain why I trust at all. I really like the idea of asking her "if you really changed, why talk to the guy now?". This has helped more than you know...except for the one that implied I was making the story up. It stung a little to think that the story was "unbelievable".
JustJoe Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Dude, you are far too trusting. If she admits to these occasions, how many more DIDN"T she admit to? She , also, only told you the truth AFTER you confronted her, so she really hasn't been too honest , has she? You need to get to the bottom of this , pronto. 3
findingnemo Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 When I first read this thread I thought, it's been forever what's the fuss about? But you know what? The fuss is about the lies. The problem is that people don't actually change just like that. Drugs, sex, threesomes with other people? Who cares if you were single? But when you're in a committed R, it becomes an issue of integrity. And now, years later, it's the damn hiding of such pertinent information. This is one problem for which I can't actually think of a solution. I would not have married her if I would have known these things, but I'm happy I didn't know. She is a different person now and I truly believe she has been faithful ever since we got engaged and will continue to be faithful. I suspected both of these situations and ignored them becuase I didn't want to be put in the position to leave. I have had no suspicions since. I know I can forgive her for her, but I don't know how to forget about it. I'm ashamed to talk about this to anyone. I would really appreicate any advice people can share. Please..... What is it that you are trying to forget? That she cheated? That she had a threesome? That she could cheat with your fbff? That she allowed herself to get high? Then there's the matter of the years spent living a lie. Do you want help forgetting that she lied all those years ago and recently when you asked? I suspect that forgiving her is still the issue.
findingnemo Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I'm really not as dumb as I probably sound. I suspected both situations (not the details...just something) 7 years ago. I had a "feeling" with both...I just didn't want to investigate because I was afraid about what I'd find and what I would lose as a result. That "feeling" has never happened until the other night when I decided to read a my wife's Facebook IM message (for no reason other than instinct). I've thought over every last minute of our marriage and cannot find anything else. We moved out of state a week after college and there just isn't a doubt that she's been faithful since our marriage. The strangest part is that I trust her about 95% right now....I can't explain why I trust at all. I really like the idea of asking her "if you really changed, why talk to the guy now?". This has helped more than you know...except for the one that implied I was making the story up. It stung a little to think that the story was "unbelievable". The story is unbelievable not because it can't happen but because the pain you're feeling now is so unnecessary. Had your W been open with you, you wouldn't be here agonizing about it. It's unbelievable to me that someone can hide such information, open up after years and not expect the tornado of emotions you're feeling. It goes to show that sooner or later the truth will come out....
woinlove Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I'm really not as dumb as I probably sound. I suspected both situations (not the details...just something) 7 years ago. I had a "feeling" with both...I just didn't want to investigate because I was afraid about what I'd find and what I would lose as a result. That "feeling" has never happened until the other night when I decided to read a my wife's Facebook IM message (for no reason other than instinct). I've thought over every last minute of our marriage and cannot find anything else. We moved out of state a week after college and there just isn't a doubt that she's been faithful since our marriage. The strangest part is that I trust her about 95% right now....I can't explain why I trust at all. I really like the idea of asking her "if you really changed, why talk to the guy now?". This has helped more than you know...except for the one that implied I was making the story up. It stung a little to think that the story was "unbelievable". I see something quite sad in what you write. You seem to be relying on your own instincts and hunches to know under what circumstances your W was not faithful or loyal. Buried in this seems to be the acknowledgment that you can't trust your W to simply be open and honest as clearly she has demonstrated otherwise. Perhaps your perception is dead on and there is nothing more to know (although I have a difficult time wrapping my head around being high on cocaine and alcohol and having a sexless threesome for a person who has cheated at other times). But the sad fact remains that you really, really need your own intuition and perception because the person you married has not offered you honesty and openness. And that is NOT in the past. She kept this secret until you asked, and even then lied at first. That means she was dishonest with you as recently as --- (what? a few weeks or a few days ago?) A person doesn't change from being able to lie to her H to being open and honest overnight. That kind of change typically takes years. So, even if your W is in the process of changing right now, she still has a lot of work to do to become the type of person who will not deceive you for her own selfish reasons.
findingnemo Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Isn't a threesome primarily about sex...with two other people? How can one have a sexless threesome? I've never heard that word used to described three people kissing and hugging. She sounds to me like a certain President who was splitting hairs because he didn't believe that what he did was "sex". And that's a red flag right there, IMO.
nofool4u Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I'm really not as dumb as I probably sound. I suspected both situations (not the details...just something) 7 years ago. I had a "feeling" with both...I just didn't want to investigate because I was afraid about what I'd find and what I would lose as a result. That "feeling" has never happened until the other night when I decided to read a my wife's Facebook IM message (for no reason other than instinct). I've thought over every last minute of our marriage and cannot find anything else. We moved out of state a week after college and there just isn't a doubt that she's been faithful since our marriage. The strangest part is that I trust her about 95% right now....I can't explain why I trust at all. I really like the idea of asking her "if you really changed, why talk to the guy now?". This has helped more than you know...except for the one that implied I was making the story up. It stung a little to think that the story was "unbelievable". If you are determined to stay in the marriage, then she needs to delete any guy she cheated on you with from Facebook. Is she still talking to him? Is he still a "friend'? If so, you need to demand their removal. And I don't care what anyone says about demanding it. Her being in contact in any way with them is disrespectful to you.
standtall Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 Any..watch out for the trickle truth in this situation. I agree with the OP who said there is probably a lot more that she isn't telling you....or..this is a troll thread.
drifter777 Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 I also believe that this situation is common and the feelings you express are very typical of a hurt spouse or partner. Here's the thing; is she just sorry for hurting you and not really sorry for doing what she did? By that I mean, do you think she believes deep down that she was just experimenting with sex and other men and she had the right to do that since you were not yet married? Or do really believe she knows what she did was morally wrong since you were in a committed relationship and screwing your friends was simply despicable? I was in a similar place with my wife. Not exactly the same, but similar. I was disgusted and ashamed of her actions, and you probably are too. If I were you, I would feel cheated and betrayed. I would feel anger that she kept this from me and married me without giving me a chance to process this information. And now, with the benefit of my experience, I would kick her out and file for divorce. You are living with a cheating slut - she proved the kind of person she is; twice! The activities you caught on her facebook account are probably the tip of a huge iceberg. At the very least you should tell her to come clean about everything, including the sexual encounters she has had that you don't know about, or the two of you are going to separate until she does. I mean, use your head. Do you really think that the only incidents happen to be the ones you "had a feeling" about? The chances of that are really slim considering the kind of character she has displayed. The more you press her the more truth will come out. Threats are really the only thing that will work as she will take the truth to her grave unless she feels it is in her best interest to tell you anything. Be cool until you hear enough to convince you one way or the other. She will shut down and quit revealing things as soon as you demonstrate that she has said enough. Once you believe you have heard it all, rest assured that you haven't but it may not be possible to ever get everything. Factor all of this into your decision. A serial cheater, like your wife, rarely changes their spots so you need to understand this as you consider all the facts. In the end it's all up to whether you think you can live with the kind of person you married. Don't believe that she has changed so very much as she has proven she will fiddle around if she thinks she can get away with it. The road to hell (and divorce) is paved with good intentions. A person's past performance is really the only evidence you should believe.
g450 Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 Yeah how exactly do you have a threesome and not have sex? If she lied to you about it all this time then she probably lied about a lot of other things that you dont know about and may never find out about. And why is she facebook friending him? My guess is she wants to have sex with him or another non-sex threesome with him. Whatever the hell that is. Seriously, it's time to put a keyloger on her PC and put a VAR in her car. It sounds to me that she has completely pulled the wool over your eyes and you are in denial.
Pillow Posted April 4, 2012 Posted April 4, 2012 OP, maybe it will help get it out of your mind if you think about terrible decisions of your own, or if you make a terrible decision. Having a one-night stand of your own can end some of your disgusted feelings.
Try Posted April 7, 2012 Posted April 7, 2012 Then things changed quickly when I saw a FB message from someone that I suspected she cheated on me with when we were dating back in college (in Texas). Although her cheating on you when you where in college is a very big deal, the fact that she is still secretly in contact with him today is an even bigger deal. Secret contact with former lovers, especially ones that she cheated on you with in the past, means that she does not observe the normal boundaries of marraige. She is talking to the ex-lover for a reason. One was fishing and the other took the bait. Ever hear of the 7 year itch? She cheated on you at least 2 times in the past. Showing a complete lack of respect for you, she even did it with your friend and roommate with you asleep in the next room. She knew that you suspected yet did nothing about it. Experience has shown her that there is little to lose if she cheats on you again.
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