doomage Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Haven't posted in a long time but I want advice. About 5 months ago I met a cool phillipina girl in my martial arts class I'm 23 and she's 26. I got her number the first time I met her after class, but I was in a relationship then and since I don't cheat I never called her. After a month my relationship ended, (it was already going downhill). I didn't see the girl for that whole month because she hurt her foot. Then one day she came back and I was happy to see her and texted her later that night after class that we should go out one of these days. She agreed and we went out the following saturday, I picked her up from her house and we went to a club. I never called it an official date but I was definitely interested in her so we held hands a little bit and the chemistry was on point. After I dropped her off I walked her to her door and tried to kiss her, she pulled back. After that she ignored me for bout a week, and I saw her the following Thursday. I went up to her and said that I was sorry for making her feel disrespected because she was a bit mad at me for trying to kiss her first night out. I said that she seemed so cool that we should atleast be friends and she agreed. So lately we been hanging out a lot I see her at least 2 times a week. She's busy with nursing school so she has a lot on her plate. For a long time I regretted trying to kiss her that night because she said I moved too fast, and I felt that we could have had something if I had more self control. Well last night we went to a club and had a great time as friends of course, but when I dropped her off I told her I still liked her but only told her because Im a real dude and I wanted to be honest, she already knew I still did like her but she said she didn't feel the same. We had a real heart to heart talk cuz I was feeling down about my life, and I brought up our date the first night all those months ago. She blew my mind by saying that because I didn't make an effort to officially ask her out on a date, I put my self on the friends list. And that women like persistence and just because she didn't kiss me that night didn't mean I shouldn't try again another night on a date with her, but I shot my own foot by saying we should be friends even though that's not what I wanted. The only reason I said it was because I didn't want to make things weird in martial arts class with her. Deep down I still like her and but I feel bad for giving up on her. She said "if you really wanted me you should not have given up." And she actually said she was dissapointed that I said we should be friends because I was the first guy in a while that she has liked. Atleast that made me feel good but I feel bad we couldn't date. What do you guys think of this?
jerbear Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 There is not much you can do about this. Once in the friend zone, you're dead.
MrCastle Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I think she's taking zero responsibility for putting you in the friend zone. You tried to make your move, she shot you down. Ball is in her court at that time to come around and say you know what, i think we should try dating. She's disappointed you didn't continue after she shot you down? If she was attracted she would have accepted your advances, in my opinion. Now she's letting you take the fall. Attraction works both ways, you put yourself on the line by going for a kiss and making it known you wanted to date. She either accepts or declines your advances. She declined. She wanted you to continue pursuit and risk getting shot down again? Sounds like too much power on her end.
Author doomage Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 I think my biggest mistake was thinking for her, instead of thinking for myself. I wasn't true to myself when I proposed friendship because I didn't want her to be uncomfortable around me, instead of stepping up like a man and saying that I'm sorry I moved to fast but i'd like to take you out sometime and try again.
MrCastle Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I think my biggest mistake was thinking for her, instead of thinking for myself. I wasn't true to myself when I proposed friendship because I didn't want her to be uncomfortable around me, instead of stepping up like a man and saying that I'm sorry I moved to fast but i'd like to take you out sometime and try again. yeah, you always have to be honest with your intentions. but it's not like you didnt do that initially, you tried to kiss her, at that point she got the message you weren't looking to be just friends. when you proposed the friendship thing, she accepted. she could have said no, lets try again. she accepted it. and through all this, after you had your heart to heart, she could have said ok well now that you know i wanted you to be persistent because i like you, and you like me, NOW lets try dating--she didnt offer that alternative
Author doomage Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 It's too late now but she was basically talking about around the time that I tried to kiss her I shouldn't have given up on what I wanted, which was her. Instead of giving up and throwing the towel I should have asked her out officially to a date. After last night I showed her a vulnerable side to me that she hasn't or anybody really seen of me, she heard me out on things I was feeling not just bout her but life. She actually does care about me and it's like why can't I just be happy were friends and go for other girls. There's no point of me trying to game her or hope that she likes me if she already made it clear that she doesn't two times. I killed all hope when i said lets be friends. And I beat myself up for it still.
jerbear Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Don't beat yourself up on this. I killed all hope when i said lets be friends. And I beat myself up for it still. Even I have made the same mistakes you have. You have to own your problems and learn from them.
Author doomage Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Ya but it's the guys job to lead where the interaction goes, and even though i liked her and still do I didn't project what I wanted, which was her. So girls often assume you don't want anything else sometimes when you're not clear. She probly felt rejected that I said let's be friends.
AriesBunny Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Ya but it's the guys job to lead where the interaction goes, and even though i liked her and still do I didn't project what I wanted, which was her. So girls often assume you don't want anything else sometimes when you're not clear. She probly felt rejected that I said let's be friends. You will need to state your intentions early on. Don't pussyfoot around the problem. She got rejected by you when you suggested being friends.
Author doomage Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 How would I go about stating my intentions clearly without scaring the girl off? I actually asked her that question and she said " If you ask a girl nicely to go on a date and she gets scared off that's not your problem it's hers"
AriesBunny Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 How would I go about stating my intentions clearly without scaring the girl off? I actually asked her that question and she said " If you ask a girl nicely to go on a date and she gets scared off that's not your problem it's hers" You answered your own question. I bolded your text for you.
Author doomage Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 I guess I was just playing it safe with her besides the attempted kiss because I didn't want to lose her, like I lost so many other girls that just got turned of by me. It's like I wanted to be liked by her, but she already did, i just sabatoged myself and Im just having a hard time dealing with the consequences of not tryin again after failing one time with her. If I want something I should just express what I feel towards it and deal with the aftermath later.
carhill Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I dropped her off I walked her to her door and tried to kiss her, she pulled back. After that she ignored me for bout a week Simple. She wasn't attracted to you. Everything after that was carbon dioxide. If she had been attracted but felt you were moving too fast, she wouldn't have ignored you.
jobaba Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 That was a VERY interesting story man. Often when I get rejected by a woman after the first date or making a move on her and getting the cheek (both have happened often enough) the consensus is... "You got rejected. The chances of her coming around are slim to none. Give up and date other women." Of course, if I really like the girl, in my heart I really want to pursue her and sweep her off her feet. Of course, as I've gotten older, I've given up on that and just moved on to other women (or attempting to get other women at least ). Your story makes me think that if I chased some of the women after the first rejection, I might have broken through. And I REALLY liked some of those women. Of course, most likely they were just not attracted in the case of me. The scenario that I have dreamed of after being rejected by women I really liked (the eventually she'll come around theory) was a reality in your case. Very unique situation. Kind of a bittersweet end.
Author doomage Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 she was because she told me a similar story that happened awhile ago way before I met her that she went on a date with a guy and everything was good until the end when he tried to kiss her, well he tried to force himself on her and she cut him off, after that, she said he wasn't a gentlemen. So she just has this thing about moving too quickly. I mean she is an attractive woman so male attention is no sweat for her, but for a guy is different thats why we get thirsty sometimes.
Author doomage Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 I think when you try to make a move on a girl and she gives you the cheek or something unless your already dating it's okay to try again, because sometimes girls don't want to seem to easy, it's that whole slut label. Unless the girl says a firm no in which you should stop trying to make out with her, some type of resistance is most likely saying "not yet." And it just blew my mind that she said it dissapointed her when I said for us to be friends. I took her resistance as rejection but i assumed and thought for her instead of being true to myself.
jobaba Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I think when you try to make a move on a girl and she gives you the cheek or something unless your already dating it's okay to try again, because sometimes girls don't want to seem to easy, it's that whole slut label. Unless the girl says a firm no in which you should stop trying to make out with her, some type of resistance is most likely saying "not yet." And it just blew my mind that she said it dissapointed her when I said for us to be friends. I took her resistance as rejection but i assumed and thought for her instead of being true to myself. If you start dating another woman, it might just make her jealous enough of what she can't have, she'll come around again...
carhill Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Words are the tools of a woman. Watch actions. Ignoring you was an action, for nothing more than liking her and wishing to express it through a kiss. That's the canary.
jobaba Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I think when you try to make a move on a girl and she gives you the cheek or something unless your already dating it's okay to try again, because sometimes girls don't want to seem to easy, it's that whole slut label. Unless the girl says a firm no in which you should stop trying to make out with her, some type of resistance is most likely saying "not yet." And it just blew my mind that she said it dissapointed her when I said for us to be friends. I took her resistance as rejection but i assumed and thought for her instead of being true to myself. She also ignored you for a week and said she didn't 'feel it'. For most, that'd be a clear NO. But I guess not. I also tried something similar with a woman a little while ago and she gave me the cheek. I then texted her and said we should be friends. She never responded to that text but instead sent me another text right after about something random. So, in my peanut brain, that could have meant, "I want more than friendship." But in my case I think I'm just torturing myself. Yours was reality. Also ... does the world really need ANOTHER Filipina nurse?
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