Magnaus Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Bear with me here. I've never shared this with anyone. Not even my family. First let me start off with a short introduction. Been married to my wife for 5 years, together for 6, with no children. Life has blessed us well and all that good stuff. She got her dream job after college and I went off to study law, but the call of duty sounded my ears and I signed up, and was deployed for 2 years back in 2009. It was hard for me not being there every day but we talked when we could, and I missed her a lot. Definitely one of the most difficult years of my life. Got an honorable discharge, came home and was excited to see her. When I got home we had incredible sex of course. Hung out with each other late at night. The second day I was home and we were eating breakfast she confessed that she had affair with my (former) best friend for a whole year. I flipped out and destroyed half the house. As a result, I was arrested and held for a while, slapped with a minor charge and court ordered to take anger management classes. Luckily I was allowed to go home, but I decided to separate from her for 3 months. During the time both him and her called me a lot but I wished to speak to none of them. After separation we talked and "made up," and I ended up going back home. We went to marital counseling for 2 months and I was not really satisfied with it, but stuck to it because I still loved her. She has made a lot of changes since this whole ordeal, I'll give her that, but it just doesn't feel the same anymore. Everything feels out of place, like it doesn't belong. And to top it off I was contacted by a reputable private security firm last Friday, and I have until Thursday to respond on whether I want to accept a position they're offering. The pay is really well and I get to train and meet with other operators from around the world. The only drawback is that I will most likely have to relocate, since it's not based in the U.S., and I honestly don't want to have to spend a lot of money traveling and worrying if my wife is going to cheat on me or not since I will be gone for a very long time. She's changed a lot but I think I would be a fool to say that I have the same level of trust I had with her years ago. Basically what I'm saying is, I don't think I want to be married to my wife anymore. I feel like I've been dragged down by this marriage and I've been unemployed ever since I was discharged, and I've only worked a few part-time jobs. I feel like this proposition could help reboot my career and at the same time I can do what I always liked doing. My wife knows I'm seriously considering this and I don't think she's too happy about it. Would I be wrong for taking this job and leaving her? Part of me wants to and part of me doesn't. I'm sorry if I'm ranting too much. I just needed to get this off my chest.
MissMatched Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I really feel for you, I can't even imagine... I'm currently staying in my relationship with someone who has cheated on me and I know it isn't easy, we aren't even married and haven't been together as long... My reaction to this is you should probably leave. Seems you have one foot out the door and if you have tried MC and really and truly feel the way you say you do, then as far as I'm concerned you're done. I'll say two things for your wife though. 1 - she confessed almost immediately and 2 - She has (from what you've said) made a lot of changes and appears to have tried really hard to fix things. If you are not happy in the marriage though and this is something you feel won't change, then communicate that. A year long affair, I can definitely see where you would have problems with trusting her while away, that trust is gone and it's really hard to get back. Also this is still fairly fresh. IMO too fresh to think about leaving for any length of time, if you want to reconcile. I am BY FAR not the best person to give advice but I'm sure within seconds many of the incredible people here will be flocking to your aid. My heart goes out to you
Black Jack Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Please divorce her and take the job. No quality woman f*cks their husband's best friend behind their back for a year, while you're out serving your country. Same for that scum who was supposed to be your ace. Are you sure that she wasn't still f*cking him while you two were separated? You don't even have kids with her so there's really nothing there. Just a broken, used up farce of a wife and a crappy marriage against a good job offer, with a clean slate to relax stress free while sowing your wild oats with a few women on your downtime. That sounds a whole lot better and you know it. I'd say yes and never look back. 2
Million.to.1 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 If you really feel the relationship is broken and the feeling you once had for your wife is gone, then go. I think a year long affair with your best friend is enough to break down trust to the extent it cannot be rebuilt. It is kinda weird though that you would choose to get involved with a war. But I personally will never understand why anyone would... that's the hippie in me. Maybe your wife felt deserted by this decision of yours. How did she feel about your decision to do so when you made it, ie: before you left ?
january2011 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I believe that trust is like a mirror and once broken can never be rebuilt to how it was originally - the cracks will still be there. As ex-military I would hazard a guess that loyalty and people having each other's backs are very important to you. Both your wife and best friend betrayed you on both these values. And the doubts are already eating away at you. You're holding to account both your wife and the marriage. Let go while the conditions are still favourable and you have the opportunity to do so. 1
Author Magnaus Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 I really feel for you, I can't even imagine... I'm currently staying in my relationship with someone who has cheated on me and I know it isn't easy, we aren't even married and haven't been together as long... My reaction to this is you should probably leave. Seems you have one foot out the door and if you have tried MC and really and truly feel the way you say you do, then as far as I'm concerned you're done. I'll say two things for your wife though. 1 - she confessed almost immediately and 2 - She has (from what you've said) made a lot of changes and appears to have tried really hard to fix things. If you are not happy in the marriage though and this is something you feel won't change, then communicate that. A year long affair, I can definitely see where you would have problems with trusting her while away, that trust is gone and it's really hard to get back. Also this is still fairly fresh. IMO too fresh to think about leaving for any length of time, if you want to reconcile. I am BY FAR not the best person to give advice but I'm sure within seconds many of the incredible people here will be flocking to your aid. My heart goes out to you Thank you MissMatched. I do feel as though I could walk out any moment now, but there's a small part of me that is hesitant...
Author Magnaus Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Please divorce her and take the job. No quality woman f*cks their husband's best friend behind their back for a year, while you're out serving your country. Same for that scum who was supposed to be your ace. Are you sure that she wasn't still f*cking him while you two were separated? You don't even have kids with her so there's really nothing there. Just a broken, used up farce of a wife and a crappy marriage against a good job offer, with a clean slate to relax stress free while sowing your wild oats with a few women on your downtime. That sounds a whole lot better and you know it. I'd say yes and never look back. Hey thanks Black Jack. In regards to your question of them seeing each other after I moved out, I honestly don't know. When I moved back in the house I did ask her did she meet up with him while I was gone and she said no. She didn't look like she was lying but I guess I'll never know, since she's quite capable of having an affair behind my back. I did drive past the house a few times when we were separated and I didn't see his car in the driveway but I mean the damage has been done. I do think what you said is most likely to happen if I took this job, though. I have a few contacts I know of who does security and that is basically what they do when they're not working. But I have a few more hours to think it through so I don't know yet.
whichwayisup Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Together 6 years, she cheated on you with your bestfriend while serving your Country - You have no children. If I were you, I'd divorce. Cheating on you is bad enough, but DOUBLE betrayal is even worse. If she was lonely, she should have kept herself busy with WOMEN friends, family and hobbies, work etc.. Don't feel obligated to stay. Take the job and start your life over. 3
Lois Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Just two things: Can you live in a marriage without trust? The job showed up at this point in your life for a reason ... .
Author Magnaus Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 If you really feel the relationship is broken and the feeling you once had for your wife is gone, then go. I think a year long affair with your best friend is enough to break down trust to the extent it cannot be rebuilt. It is kinda weird though that you would choose to get involved with a war. But I personally will never understand why anyone would... that's the hippie in me. Maybe your wife felt deserted by this decision of yours. How did she feel about your decision to do so when you made it, ie: before you left ? Well back in college I did a lot of general reports about the military and when I expressed my interest in enlisting to my mother she pretty much discouraged me and shut that down. So I tried to throw myself into some law books instead of just doing what I wanted but it didn't work and I ended up enlisting. When I told my wife about it she had practically had the same opinion my mother had, and was afraid that if I left I wasn't coming back in one piece. Nonetheless she was supportive of me, but I could always tell there was a small part of her that didn't like what I was doing and the the last week before I left she cried hard and I did my best to comfort her. Maybe she did feel deserted....
Author Magnaus Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 I believe that trust is like a mirror and once broken can never be rebuilt to how it was originally - the cracks will still be there. As ex-military I would hazard a guess that loyalty and people having each other's backs are very important to you. Both your wife and best friend betrayed you on both these values. And the doubts are already eating away at you. You're holding to account both your wife and the marriage. Let go while the conditions are still favourable and you have the opportunity to do so. Yes you guessed correctly. I'm sure loyalty far extends the realm of the Armed Forces, but yes soldiers do value loyalty a darn lot.
Author Magnaus Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 I guess I'm of the camp that if you are undecided, then who's to say you have to choose between the marriage and the job right now? I know you have to answer about the job quickly, but that doesn't mean you have to decide about your marriage within the same time frame. Take the job! Give yourself a little time to see how you really feel, versus how you suspect you will feel. Your fears of lack of trust will only be validated or disproven, but it will be certain and not just speculation. Thanks Sadintexas you're right I don't have to decide about both at the same time, although it strongly feels that way because I know if I do take this and leave for a long ass time, I'm going to always wonder what is she doing, and that will affect my ability to think in the field.
Author Magnaus Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Together 6 years, she cheated on you with your bestfriend while serving your Country - You have no children. If I were you, I'd divorce. Cheating on you is bad enough, but DOUBLE betrayal is even worse. If she was lonely, she should have kept herself busy with WOMEN friends, family and hobbies, work etc.. Don't feel obligated to stay. Take the job and start your life over. Thanks Whichwayisup. Strong words but true.
Author Magnaus Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Just two things: Can you live in a marriage without trust? The job showed up at this point in your life for a reason ... . That's what I'm trying to answer myself. I'm kind of itchy leaving her alone again. But then again God must've sent me this miracle and he wants me to take it....... Decisions, decisions.
beenburned Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Mag, I agree with sadintexas, take the job and decide about your wife later. Good luck! My son served in the Navy for 4 years after high school. When he got out, he also had a very hard time finding full time employment. He has been working and going to college at night for a long time now. He is scheduled to graduate from college this December!!
standtall Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Move in man. take the job and divorce her. Your wife should always have your back, and she does not have yours.
PinkInTheLimo Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 (edited) I understand that things no longer feel the same. But why on earth do you keep looking for jobs which keep you away from home? Are you afraid to live a life whereby you are day in day out together with your partner? I don't condone cheating but your wife is a young lady who needs attention and affection and it's just not there when you are not living with her most of the time. What prevents you from having a normal job? Edited March 28, 2012 by PinkInTheLimo
frozensprouts Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 OP, being ex-military, I'm surprised you'd even consider taking this security contract if you home life is unstable. You can't look out for the guys you're with if your mind is too full of worry about your home life.... ( here's, they'd DAG you as red lighted, and you wouldn't be allowed to deploy, assuming that you self identified that you were having problems) about your wife... I'm not defending her actions, and i expect they hut you terribly. She shouldn't have seen cheating as a viable option to whatever was troubling her. But it does sound like she let you know, even before you enlisted, that she didn't want you to, but you did it anyway. Then she's stuck at home, worrying about you ( and I don't think anyone knows just what a military spouse goes through, unless they have been there... I very much remember how, during one of my husband's deployments, I didn't hear from him for a few weeks. I expected that, and was worried but dealing...I went out to the store, and when I came home, there was a phone call from " Govn't Canada"- I freaked out, as that's the number that would show on your phone if there was an injury/casualty and the army wa stryng to reach you- turned out it was revenue canada calling about a question re: my income tax return. I heard from my husband a few days later...there'd been coms. lockdowns, and he'd been sent to a few different FOBs , which is why I hadn't heard from him) Maybe she was really worried for you, angry with you for leaving ( that is really common), and she acted out in an very inappropriate way. don't know whether or not you should stay with your wife. I'm leaning towards you shouldn't, as it doesn't sound like you trust her ( which I can totally understand), you have no "extra ties-e.g.-kids, etc.) so you can make a relatively painless break, and, to be honest, you know she doesn't like you being away overseas, but you would still consider taking that job, not just because you have to, but because you want to, even if it's really hard on your wife.I'm not saying you're wrong in doing so, but maybe you should look at that as an indication of where your priorities lie right now... whatever you decide, best of luck to you, and keep your head down 1
Black Jack Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I understand that things no longer feel the same. But why on earth do you keep looking for jobs which keep you away from home? Are you afraid to live a life whereby you are day in day out together with your partner? I don't condone cheating but your wife is a young lady who needs attention and affection and it's just not there when you are not living with her most of the time. What prevents you from having a normal job? LOL Wow what hogwash. She's a young lady that needs pampering like a damn baby and if left unattended, she'll open her legs and screw other men, particularly those close to you. 1
Author Magnaus Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Mag, I agree with sadintexas, take the job and decide about your wife later. Good luck! My son served in the Navy for 4 years after high school. When he got out, he also had a very hard time finding full time employment. He has been working and going to college at night for a long time now. He is scheduled to graduate from college this December!! Good for him. It does seem like there's not a lot of work for people like us out there unless we go back to school, like your son did.
The Blue Knight Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I understand that things no longer feel the same. But why on earth do you keep looking for jobs which keep you away from home? Are you afraid to live a life whereby you are day in day out together with your partner? I don't condone cheating but your wife is a young lady who needs attention and affection and it's just not there when you are not living with her most of the time. What prevents you from having a normal job? I have to agree somewhat with pink and frozen. And you said it yourself, perhaps your wife agreed with you about the deployment but deep down she felt abandoned. I don't know that you covered this . . . at least I didn't see you address it anywhere, but I found it remarkable that she came clean right away with you. Do you know what her motive was for doing that? It just struck me as unusual if she intended to continue cheating on you. Was it guilt? Was it a new opportunity for the two of you to make it work now that you were home? I'm not in any way condoning your wife's actions. It says very little for her that she couldn't wait for you. But then I don't know her personality, or if she has abandonment issues going back to her childhood that would cause her to make such a stupid decision. Here's the thing. You can take this job, AND leaving her a second time may prove she can hang in there for you, but it may also prove to be the final straw in the marriage surviving if you really want this thing to work. You said you love her. Why not work on the marriage and find a job nearby so you have the opportunity to see if this marriage can be saved?
Author Magnaus Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 I understand that things no longer feel the same. But why on earth do you keep looking for jobs which keep you away from home? Are you afraid to live a life whereby you are day in day out together with your partner? I don't condone cheating but your wife is a young lady who needs attention and affection and it's just not there when you are not living with her most of the time. What prevents you from having a normal job? You have raised a good point. To be frank with you, I wasn't seeking out this firm, it sought me out. I never contacted these people. Ever since I was discharged I've been seeking work nearby my home whenever I could. Sitting down in front of a computer screen and drafting reports and filing for 10 hours a day has not been my thing. It just never measured up with the eye-opening experience I had when I was overseas.
PinkInTheLimo Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 down in front of a computer screen and drafting reports and filing for 10 hours a day has not been my thing. It just never measured up with the eye-opening experience I had when I was overseas. Magnaus, I get that your work overseas was exciting but you have to realise the impact this has on your marriage, and will have on future relationships (in case you would divorce). Also, put yourself in the shoes of your wife. Maybe she is very sorry about cheating on you and will feel betrayed again if you go abroad again despite all the efforts she has done. I get that you don't want to have just some office job but there are plenty of exciting things to do at home. You can look for a job outdoors (construction, gardening, sports,...) or start your own business. But if you leave again, that surely will be the end of your marriage.
Author Magnaus Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 OP, being ex-military, I'm surprised you'd even consider taking this security contract if you home life is unstable. You can't look out for the guys you're with if your mind is too full of worry about your home life.... ( here's, they'd DAG you as red lighted, and you wouldn't be allowed to deploy, assuming that you self identified that you were having problems) about your wife... I'm not defending her actions, and i expect they hut you terribly. She shouldn't have seen cheating as a viable option to whatever was troubling her. But it does sound like she let you know, even before you enlisted, that she didn't want you to, but you did it anyway. Then she's stuck at home, worrying about you ( and I don't think anyone knows just what a military spouse goes through, unless they have been there... I very much remember how, during one of my husband's deployments, I didn't hear from him for a few weeks. I expected that, and was worried but dealing...I went out to the store, and when I came home, there was a phone call from " Govn't Canada"- I freaked out, as that's the number that would show on your phone if there was an injury/casualty and the army wa stryng to reach you- turned out it was revenue canada calling about a question re: my income tax return. I heard from my husband a few days later...there'd been coms. lockdowns, and he'd been sent to a few different FOBs , which is why I hadn't heard from him) Maybe she was really worried for you, angry with you for leaving ( that is really common), and she acted out in an very inappropriate way. don't know whether or not you should stay with your wife. I'm leaning towards you shouldn't, as it doesn't sound like you trust her ( which I can totally understand), you have no "extra ties-e.g.-kids, etc.) so you can make a relatively painless break, and, to be honest, you know she doesn't like you being away overseas, but you would still consider taking that job, not just because you have to, but because you want to, even if it's really hard on your wife.I'm not saying you're wrong in doing so, but maybe you should look at that as an indication of where your priorities lie right now... whatever you decide, best of luck to you, and keep your head down Thanks frozensprouts. Yes she has told me how she felt when we were in counseling. How she felt alone, missed me a lot, etc. I mean I have tried to be considerate of her feelings but then again like you said, I enlisted because I wanted to, and I don't regret leaving. If anything, I probably would've resented her for staying. I've always been supportive of her dreams and I do wish I would've gotten the same support and loyalty in return, from both her and him.
frozensprouts Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Thanks frozensprouts. Yes she has told me how she felt when we were in counseling. How she felt alone, missed me a lot, etc. I mean I have tried to be considerate of her feelings but then again like you said, I enlisted because I wanted to, and I don't regret leaving. If anything, I probably would've resented her for staying. I've always been supportive of her dreams and I do wish I would've gotten the same support and loyalty in return, from both her and him. Magnaus... i don't think you understand what it can be like for a spouse left at home... It's not only that you left, it's that perhaps in her mind, you chose the army ( or whatever branch you are in) over her. I know it was hard for you over there on deployment, but it was hard for her too. It's horrible being afraid every time the phone rings...you can't watch the news as it makes you even more afraid...people try and support you, but there's times it just ends up making you feel even worse, as it reminds you that your spouse is away and at risk. Not sure what kind of support the families get where you are, but here, they do get supported ( there may be rear party support but, if the unit/squadron is small, there's not much, and we also have a network of Military family resource centers as well who provide support). She may very well have felt like you abandoned her and left her behind when she didn't want you to go ( I'm not blaming you, just saying how she may have felt)... not to mention the fact that you guys sound like you're pretty young and not married all that long..deployments are a big strain on a marriage, let alone a new one I still believe that being married may not be what's best for you two, but if you do choose to remain married, you may want to reconsider taking the position you are referring to in your post, as you know your wife doesn't like it when you leave, yet you would choose to leave anyway...I think you need to really think about that and what that tells you
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