maybealone Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 So my husband and I are likely headed to divorce. He says he doesn't want a divorce, but his actions speak differently. There's a long story there, and if any additional information is needed I will provide it. In the meantime, I have a weird situation. He travels a lot for work, and in one area he goes to regularly, he has made a friend. They have gone out to dinner together, she has made dinner for them, and they have watched TV and movies together. When I ask him about her, he insists they are just friends. It's not uncommon for either of us to have friends of the opposite sex. What is unusual, however, is how defensive he gets if I joke about this being his "girlfriend." We have always joked like this about our friends before, but like I said, in this case he gets really defensive. And he always refers to her as "his friend" instead of using her name, which is also unusual. One bit of background information is that I have been trying for a year to get him to work on things that are wrong with our marriage, and she has only been in the picture for a month. I want to ask for more information, but I don't know how. And honestly, I don't want to come across as being jealous since I am not. (Not that I want to find out he is cheating on me, I just am not the jealous type.) I have tried to post about this many times hoping I could make it not sound quite so lame, but I have failed every time. So here is my post, as lame as it may be, hoping to get some advice or even just some thoughts.
ISurvived Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 So my husband and I are likely headed to divorce. He says he doesn't want a divorce, but his actions speak differently. There's a long story there, and if any additional information is needed I will provide it. In the meantime, I have a weird situation. He travels a lot for work, and in one area he goes to regularly, he has made a friend. They have gone out to dinner together, she has made dinner for them, and they have watched TV and movies together. When I ask him about her, he insists they are just friends. It's not uncommon for either of us to have friends of the opposite sex. What is unusual, however, is how defensive he gets if I joke about this being his "girlfriend." We have always joked like this about our friends before, but like I said, in this case he gets really defensive. And he always refers to her as "his friend" instead of using her name, which is also unusual. One bit of background information is that I have been trying for a year to get him to work on things that are wrong with our marriage, and she has only been in the picture for a month. I want to ask for more information, but I don't know how. And honestly, I don't want to come across as being jealous since I am not. (Not that I want to find out he is cheating on me, I just am not the jealous type.) I have tried to post about this many times hoping I could make it not sound quite so lame, but I have failed every time. So here is my post, as lame as it may be, hoping to get some advice or even just some thoughts. 1. Both of you need some healthy boundaries. It is not OK for men and women to have "friends" of the opposite sex that are this friendly. 2. Not being terribly jealous is one thing. Being completely gullible is another. 3. Honesty is always the best policy. Always. 4. Trust your gut. It is rarely wrong. 5. If I were betting on this situation, I'd bet he is having an affair. If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, IT'S A DUCK!!! 2
SandieBeach Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 So my husband and I are likely headed to divorce. He says he doesn't want a divorce, but his actions speak differently. There's a long story there, and if any additional information is needed I will provide it. In the meantime, I have a weird situation. He travels a lot for work, and in one area he goes to regularly, he has made a friend. They have gone out to dinner together, she has made dinner for them, and they have watched TV and movies together. When I ask him about her, he insists they are just friends. It's not uncommon for either of us to have friends of the opposite sex. What is unusual, however, is how defensive he gets if I joke about this being his "girlfriend." We have always joked like this about our friends before, but like I said, in this case he gets really defensive. And he always refers to her as "his friend" instead of using her name, which is also unusual. One bit of background information is that I have been trying for a year to get him to work on things that are wrong with our marriage, and she has only been in the picture for a month. I want to ask for more information, but I don't know how. And honestly, I don't want to come across as being jealous since I am not. (Not that I want to find out he is cheating on me, I just am not the jealous type.) I have tried to post about this many times hoping I could make it not sound quite so lame, but I have failed every time. So here is my post, as lame as it may be, hoping to get some advice or even just some thoughts. You seem to be in a situation that I was in for many years with my husband. There were some things bothering me about his actions (unrelated to affair stuff), but I never knew how to approach the subject. So, I chose not to ruffle any feathers and never asked frankly what I needed to know. I have not been married for a very long time, but I have learned one important thing during my husband's affair fiasco: what should a healthy marriage look like. To me, if you are hesitant to ask something you are suspicious about, then your lack of communication will most definitely result in bigger problems. What I would suggest is get a bottle of wine (or whatever), order some take out, and tell him that you wanted to talk about something that has been bothering you. You know your husband best, so maybe you give him a heads up that there is a "talk" coming up that evening - that way he won't feel ambushed, and he may even have something to talk to you about. When you are in the room together, you may want to tell him that you are concerned with his new "friendship" with a woman since your marriage is having some serious problems. Don't accuse him, but talk about your concerns and what you want. Lay it all out there and give him a chance to do the same. My therapist likes to say that she advises couples to share everything that bothers them, and that forces both parties to negotiate. Hope this helps a little...
whichwayisup Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 In the meantime, I have a weird situation. He travels a lot for work, and in one area he goes to regularly, he has made a friend. They have gone out to dinner together, she has made dinner for them, and they have watched TV and movies together. When I ask him about her, he insists they are just friends. How often does he travel and how long is he away? Hopefully there's nothing physical going on, but there IS something going on..Meaning emotionally. They are spending time together, bonding, hanging out, watching movies/tv etc.. That is inappropriate and asking for trouble. Fact that he is defensive is kind of telling and also he doesn't call her by name. That's odd. Have you met her? Spoken to her? Is she married or have a boyfriend?
whichwayisup Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 You have every right to be concerned. It isn't just about trust, it's just that when two people spend a lot of time together, especially a man and a woman, feelings can happen. Not planned but they can just pop up..It sounds like it already has, and their friendship is inappropriate because he is putting energy into someone else, bonding with them, one on one, talking about his day etc.. When he is away, do you talk to him/are you able to get a hold of him whenever you want and does he answer his phone?
Black Jack Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 So my husband and I are likely headed to divorce. He says he doesn't want a divorce, but his actions speak differently. There's a long story there, and if any additional information is needed I will provide it. In the meantime, I have a weird situation. He travels a lot for work, and in one area he goes to regularly, he has made a friend. They have gone out to dinner together, she has made dinner for them, and they have watched TV and movies together. When I ask him about her, he insists they are just friends. It's not uncommon for either of us to have friends of the opposite sex. What is unusual, however, is how defensive he gets if I joke about this being his "girlfriend." We have always joked like this about our friends before, but like I said, in this case he gets really defensive. And he always refers to her as "his friend" instead of using her name, which is also unusual. One bit of background information is that I have been trying for a year to get him to work on things that are wrong with our marriage, and she has only been in the picture for a month. I want to ask for more information, but I don't know how. And honestly, I don't want to come across as being jealous since I am not. (Not that I want to find out he is cheating on me, I just am not the jealous type.) I have tried to post about this many times hoping I could make it not sound quite so lame, but I have failed every time. So here is my post, as lame as it may be, hoping to get some advice or even just some thoughts. Seems like he's trying to convince you and himself that the woman he's seeing is just a friend.
giantfan Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 When I confronted my wife about her old friend that she reconnected with through facebook, she got extremely angry at me and said things to put me down. To make me feel guilty, it made me feel like I was crazy for even asking. She was having an affair for almost 1 year. All along my gut was saying that she was having an affair but she did make me feel guilty for even thinking about it. I found loveshack during that time and I reached out just like you are. Everyone that posted said "she is having a affair" they were right. I will never, ever not trust my feelings again. Look up my postings. It was and still is the worst feeling that I have ever felt. Its coming up on 1 year and 1/2 and it still hurts as much as the day she confessed.
Ninja'sHusband Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 One of the biggest red flags for me was when I confronted my wayward wife(WW) about coming home after midnight. She would claim she had already been home for a while and I just hadn't noticed =\ The big flag though was when I asked for the phone number of a friend of hers so I could call and get a hold of her. I was annoyed that my WW wasn't answering her phone. My WW got REALLY FREAKED OUT, waaay more than was logical. She had a panic attack. It scared me honestly, but I put the thoughts out of my head. I persevered and got the phone number from her shaking hands. My WW never stayed out past midnight again. Months later while snooping, I saw this in a private Facebook conversation between her and her lover: July 30, 2011 (OMM) you can let me know how things are going monday if you want, and I can make similar arrangments for Tue night as we did couple of weeks ago, but after practice instead of during practice. . July 30, 2011 (WW) might be tight- I do probably need to be home by midnight Yeeeahhhhh, crazed angry paranoia? Massive red flag.
2sunny Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Travel with him and next visit - make sure the three of you have dinner. IF he says no - you know he's more than friends. I have dinner with friends who are married all the time. But I don't exhibit suspicious behavior. There's no reason any wife would misinterpret my friendship as a Herat to their marriage. I have a firm boundary that doesn't cause that need to wonder. 1
Author maybealone Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 Thank you so much for these replies. It has really helped me think about this and figure out how to deal with it. I have not been married for a very long time, but I have learned one important thing during my husband's affair fiasco: what should a healthy marriage look like. To me, if you are hesitant to ask something you are suspicious about, then your lack of communication will most definitely result in bigger problems. Lack of communication has definitely resulted in bigger problems already. You have every right to be concerned. It isn't just about trust, it's just that when two people spend a lot of time together, especially a man and a woman, feelings can happen. Not planned but they can just pop up..It sounds like it already has, and their friendship is inappropriate because he is putting energy into someone else, bonding with them, one on one, talking about his day etc.. When he is away, do you talk to him/are you able to get a hold of him whenever you want and does he answer his phone? Thank you for pointing this out, about the time spend bonding. Even if there is nothing going on between them, that is still hours each week he is investing into getting to know his new friend that he isn't spending working on our marriage. There have been a couple of times I could not reach him and I found out later that he was with her. But one time he called me and claimed she was with him, but for all I know she could have been in the bathroom or something. Travel with him and next visit - make sure the three of you have dinner. IF he says no - you know he's more than friends. That's a really good idea.
Author maybealone Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 How often does he travel and how long is he away? He travels a lot, and can be gone for weeks at a time. Hopefully there's nothing physical going on, but there IS something going on..Meaning emotionally. They are spending time together, bonding, hanging out, watching movies/tv etc.. That is inappropriate and asking for trouble. This really helped me put things in perspective. As I said above, even if he has no interest in her whatsoever, it's time he is not spending talking to me or being with me to try and save our marriage. Fact that he is defensive is kind of telling and also he doesn't call her by name. That's odd. It's especially odd for him. We have always had friends of the opposite sex and neither one of us has ever not called one by name. And the first time he went somewhere with her, he just kept telling me that he was with "a coworker" and never said anything referring to whether she was a man or woman. (At that point, I had assumed this new friend was a man.) Have you met her? Spoken to her? Is she married or have a boyfriend? I have not met her or talked to her. He told me she has a boyfriend. I would have no way of knowing if that's true or not. On one hand, he could have just never told me anything or lied about who he was with, so that leads me to believe there's a chance nothing is going on. But the way I am now looking at it is that it's still time he's spending bonding with someone else instead of bonding (or re-bonding) with me.
Spark1111 Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 OMG! My H began to talk of a friend at work and he LET ME assume it a man. I was soooo happy he had a confidant on the new job. Stupid me. This is one of the telltale signs of an affair: They mention a friend once or twice and then never that name again. Cook for him? Sit on the couch and watch movies together? This is NOT okay. Ask to meet her on the next trip. Ask to make sure he is reachable. Ask for her phone number in the event of emergency. Watch his reactions. Lots of red flags here. So sorry.
Spark1111 Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 PS: I was told she had a bf too. It's a deflection. The bf was my spouse!
2sunny Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 When you show up on his business trip - lets see if she invites you to her house to make dinner for you too? 1
Spark1111 Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 When you show up on his business trip - lets see if she invites you to her house to make dinner for you too? Love it! Also, affairs are secrets so they require constant texting and emailing to fuel the attraction, especially a long distance one. Can you check his phone without his knowledge? You just may find everything you need to know there in the duration and number of calls, and the texts.
mostlyclueless Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 If you're getting divorced anyway why do you care? Serious question. 1
stillafool Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 We have intuition for a reason. Yours is trying to tell you something. Listen to it.
Author maybealone Posted March 31, 2012 Author Posted March 31, 2012 When you show up on his business trip - lets see if she invites you to her house to make dinner for you too? Really good idea! Can you check his phone without his knowledge? You just may find everything you need to know there in the duration and number of calls, and the texts. It's a prepaid cellphone, but I could check next time he is here. I don't know any of his email passwords, but maybe when he is here I could figure something out. If you're getting divorced anyway why do you care? Serious question. And it's a fair question! I guess to me it matters because he says that he doesn't want a divorce. Actually, he keeps telling me (and I'm paraphrasing here) that I will basically ruin his life if I leave him. I guess if I knew that on some level that he was moving on, I would feel less horrible about filing for divorce. (Not that I should feel horrible with all that's happened, but divorce is difficult no matter what the circumstances.)
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