NewYorker2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 So I've been lurking here since my break up just over six weeks ago. First, to all of you out there offering support and your thoughts and just listening...thank you. This place is great. I'm 31, she's 29. We dated for only 5 months but it was by far the most intense and incredible relationship I've ever had...including a 4 year marriage when I was much younger. I'd never met anyone that I'd had such an immediate connection with and I know she felt the same way. Within two months, I was virtually certain I was going to marry the girl. Despite how great things were, there were some very serious complications. I was the first to discover her history of sexual abuse at the hands of her step-father and basically pressured her for months to discuss it with friends or family. She was just out of grad school and was actually living at home with her mother, step-father and younger sister (who was also very likely abused). Yes, she was back living in the same house as this monster. And before you assume she's a complete wreck and totally dysfunctional, let me assure you she is a shocking well adjusted person. She has traveled extensively, lived abroad in Australia and Singapore, put herself through college and business school and is basically just the most amazing person I'd ever met. There were a lot of other stresses in the relationship and she does have a history of pushing people away...which she is well aware of and has discussed with a psychologist, but I still think this revelation of sexual abuse and my subsequent push to get her to confront it caused some major problems in her life. She had just started a new job and was adjusting to that, while also trying desperately to find her own apartment (accelerated by my firm urging), and also dealing with telling her family and friends about the past abuse. All this while trying to grow a relationship with me. Without going into exact geography, she lives a solid 45 minute drive from where I do and that alone caused some problems as we both very much wanted to see each other as frequently as possible, but with everything going on, it just didn't happen as easily as we wanted. To make a very long and complex story short, eventually the stresses just got to her and, as much as I was trying to be supportive, I probably pushed too hard to advance the relationship because I was absolutely certain that we were both deeply in love and we're going to have a real future together. I certainly made some mistakes and I could see at times her trying to push away at times, but it really only made me try harder to hold on to her. 6 weeks ago, after a few weeks of seeing her shut down and come back only to shut down again, she finally just said she didn't have the time or ability to nourish a relationship. I really can't blame her at all as I was the one that pushed for her to deal with this major issue. But, wow, did it hurt. I'm old enough to have been in a number of committed relationships and that sometimes things just don't work out, but I'd never felt so devastated in my life. Her email, after a particularly stressful day was brief, but basically ended saying "Maybe it's time we call it quits until I can come up for air." I tried to hold on to her and tell her that we could work though it, but she was pretty adamant. She was kind enough to call me a little later that evening and explained why she was feeling what she was. Again, I was completely devastated and really tried to make her see what she was throwing away. We spoke for an hour and I'd love to say that I completely kept my composure, but that would be a lie. I sent a few heartbroken texts after the call and she responded just saying "Babe, it's going to be alright. You'll be alright." I finally drank myself into darkness and she followed up with a couple of texts for the next few days just asking how I was and telling me it would be alright. I never responded. I left a few days later to go visit relatives (which had already been planned) and finally, after a few days of continued texts from her, I sent her an email on Valentine's Day asking her to stop and telling her I understood what was happening and that I was going to be alright. The texts stopped and 6 weeks of NC followed. The problem is, I never intended to never reach out to her again. I really believed that she just needed some time and that I could contact her down the road and we could sort things out. Very painful weeks went by and I finally started to feel at least somewhat alright. But as I felt better, started enjoying myself, I felt more and more comfortable with the idea of sending her a long and very genuine email despite reading on LoveShack how terrible of an idea it was to break NC. I felt certain that I was strong enough that even if she didn't even respond, I'd get some sort of closure and finally move on. I was very very wrong. I sent her a very long email yesterday just reminding her of the great times we shared and asked if we could perhaps meet for coffee or dinner and see if there was anything left to salvage. I received a very courteous but brief reply just a few hours later and was absolutely devastated to hear that, while she appreciated everything I had done and did agree that there had been some great times, she was no longer interested in pursuing a relationship with me. Emotions flooded back. Just absolutely devastated. I replied to her basically saying that I understood and really wished her the best and while I felt she was making a mistake, I'd respect her wishes. I managed to drink myself to sleep last night and actually called a female friend of mine to sort of talk through some of this, but woke up today feeling as bad as ever. A few more emails were exchanged today and I can see that this is well beyond hope despite absolutely knowing this is the woman I was supposed to end up with. Not sure where to go from here. I've de-friended her on Facebook and deleted her contact info from my phone, including months of text chains with all of the wonderful things we once said to one another. Feels like the right thing to do but also so terribly wrong. The thing is, my friends all tell me I'll be fine. I'm generally quite successful and have a great career in New York City that pays extremely well. I guess most women find me fairly good looking and I have dated and been in relationships with models and women much younger than I am (though only those I feel I have a real connection with and who can "keep up" intellectually). I'm also a former Marine which women seem to find attractive and have traveled the world, participate in tons of adventure activities like rock climbing, SCUBA diving, fly small aircraft...just lots of fun stuff. But right now, I just can't see myself getting past this one. I know my head is telling me that I'll be alright, but this immense hole is just as painful as anything I've ever felt. I guess I just don't see anymore how I can trust anyone. I've learned this lesson years ago...that no matter what someone says, or promises, they can just wake up one day and not feel the same way anymore. I don't see how I can keep putting myself out there knowing that nothing means anything and at any time, the moment you feel something for someone, they can just end it and leave you holding a shattered dream while they move on with so little guilt or pain. And I don't blame this girl...she really didn't do anything so terribly wrong. She was very distant at times and I know we both hurt each other at various times, but it just felt so incredibly right. Just feeling like I'm not going to get over this one. Not sure I want to despite the fact that I now know she is just never going to want to be with me again. I know I was a great boyfriend to her, despite pressures I put on her and a few fairly bad arguments about this and that. I realize she isn't going to just change her mind and come back...she's far too strong to ever reverse her decision, but I just don't know how to move on. People tell me I'll have my pick of the hundreds of thousands of beautiful and amazing women in this city, but it just sounds so terribly empty, and I really don't think I can ever want another one. So pathetic. 5 months with this woman and I just can't ever see moving on.
Author NewYorker2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Arrrggh. Head is spinning. How in the world do you reconcile the practical belief in your head that things WILL get better with the total inability to believe you'll ever heal from this? I absolutely hate being so bitter at the age of 31 and having that near panic that you'll never get over it and will CERTAINLY never find someone that fit you so well. I just want to bail and vanish.
blindesided Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I am right there with you with the panic of never finding someone that fit so well. I am just out of a 6mos relationship & I know for practical reasons (he wants marriage & kids - I dont want/cant have that) we cant be together. But in all other aspects - he was the perfect guy (& yes I know the marriage/kids issue are major - kind of like religious differences) I have a deep fear that I will never find a guy like him again. But you have to give yourself time to heal & process. The chances of you never meeting anyone again are virtually zero. From what you said - you are a good catch & right now you cant see it & dont want to - but I am sure you will have women beating down your door The most important thing is to let yourself heal - dont put a timeframe on it - just take it one day at a time - heck even 1 hour at a time (which I havehad to do recently) Ans yes I repeat the phrase "this too shall pass" to myself a hundred times a day. From what I have read & heard most people on this forum do get better & do move on - there might always be a pang of sadness for what was but I think in time - it will be less and less. This forum really does help - we all are going through similar things - it helps to know you arent alone
jerbear Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Don't be so hard on yourself. Breaking NC happens to everyone. 1
MissMatched Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I feel the EXACT same way as you do... The part about learning the lesson that people can wake up one day and not feel the same way anymore... As awful as it is right now, as awful as it feels and, I know you just received a very painful metaphoric slap in the face (or knee to the nether regions). Things will get better and you will meet someone else and maybe it will happen again and maybe it won't. I guess it's a risk we all take because we don't want to be alone. I had completely lost faith in people. I am a very loyal, loving person who has been treated like a lap dog by most (not all) of my partners. It hasn't stopped me from trying (once the hurt has stopped). People like you exist, I exist, other members on here... It does exist, there are people out there who are loyal, who want to be stable, who aren't chasing "sparks". It exists, ever feel like you're the only one? I did, that is until I came here and read hundreds of heart wrenching stories from people just like me. I know it doesn't feel like it but, things will get better. Keep on posting, you'll get through this and people are here to help. 1
jennisfora Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 NC is very hard, because as long as you care and miss the person, you will want to reach out. There are only so many times though you can stick your hand in the fire and be surprised that it hurts. But, we all do it. Get back on the horse, and try again. *hugs*
Am313 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I can understand how you feel. My only advice is that you shouldn't go mess with someone else right now. I did after my breakup and I nearly lost my mind. Being intimate with a woman made me miss my ex like the day she broke up with me. As hard as this is to understand, and as hard as it will be to do, NC is the only way out my friend. But you know as well as I do deep in your heart that time, however long or short it may be, will heal you. You know deep down inside that you will love again and be loved in return. And you also know deep down inside that your jaded feelings will subside and will have helped you grow as a person. But don't worry about that right now, worry about yourself. Do you have friends you can talk with? Female friends are a gold-mine of support, so long as you don't take it for granted. NC is the best option here. Think of it like this: If you don't go NC you will only hurt yourself further, prolonging the healing process and making things worse. On top of that you will only push her away further and further. If you have all these thoughts and emotions, the perfectly articulated message you want to say to her, write it down. Write down your message, but DONT SEND IT! Put it away and a couple days later go back and read it. Repeat the process. You will see slowly but surely that the meaning in the words you write will slowly fade, and that is when you know you are healing. Best of luck, and thank you for your service to our country.
Author NewYorker2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Thank you all for your thoughts. Definitely won't be reaching out to her again...I know she doesn't want or need me to and, as I've said, she's dealing with some pretty serious stuff on her end, so I have to respect that. I guess a large part of me feels incredibly stupid for even bothering to send those emails a couple days ago in the first place. I'd been on LS very frequently for the past 6 weeks and I somehow made the mistake of thinking that my situation was actually different. It isn't GIGS or some other guy...just these intense stresses in her life that made it virtually impossible for her to be in a relationship. I really thought giving her a little time to sort some things out would be enough, and that even if I didn't get the response (or any response) I was far enough along that it wouldn't bother me. Quite arrogant or me, really. The thing is, as much as NC does seem to help after a few weeks or months, it's one of those things where you have to make that decision for yourself as to whether or not to attempt one more try. For me, it was absolutely knowing that if I had not reached out, I would have regretted it years from now and wondered if maybe contacting her again would have lead to some sort of reconciliation. Looking at it from that perspective, I think by trying one last time, I salvaged my long-term sanity in that I'll never have any "what if's" to think about down the road. But, the cost of that is the return of this intense pain and feeling of rejection for the time being. The real stumbling block for me at this point is that even with the rational belief that I'll eventually not hurt from this, you have to wonder if you can ever find someone like that again. This girl wasn't perfect, and of course I know that, but we clicked in a way that I'd never seen before. It was very unusual. For me it, wasn't the fact that she's a really beautiful woman, it was much more about about the connection that I really don't think I'll find again. I've dated and hang out with women that are just stunningly beautiful (and most of them are actually very intelligent and great people to spend time with) but I just can't picture finding someone again I meshed so well with. That's a really depressing thought. As much as we like to think another one will come along, at some point you WILL meet or have met the "best" person for you and if it didn't/doesn't work, you're basically left with whatever you can settle for that is "good enough." I appreciate everyone's thoughts and support. A lot of this is just me venting and complaining, despite knowing that at some point, I won't feel this any longer. Blindsided noted above that most people do get better and it's true, if you look at posts on LS from years ago, a lot of those people aren't here posting any longer. Some are, but many have likely moved on and don't need the mental or emotional support from these forums, which is nice to see. Just wish I could get there sooner rather than later.
dsw31 Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Newyorker, I also slipped one no contact today & I feel awful.I can totally relate to what you are saying about never finding someone who you mesh with so well.I feel like there is no one out there who is more handsome,funny,great but,the reality isif he does not want me,he is obviously not worth my heartache.I am crushed though.Hugs to you!
blindesided Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 The real stumbling block for me at this point is that even with the rational belief that I'll eventually not hurt from this, you have to wonder if you can ever find someone like that again. This girl wasn't perfect, and of course I know that, but we clicked in a way that I'd never seen before. It was very unusual. For me it, wasn't the fact that she's a really beautiful woman, it was much more about about the connection that I really don't think I'll find again. I've dated and hang out with women that are just stunningly beautiful (and most of them are actually very intelligent and great people to spend time with) but I just can't picture finding someone again I meshed so well with. That's a really depressing thought. As much as we like to think another one will come along, at some point you WILL meet or have met the "best" person for you and if it didn't/doesn't work, you're basically left with whatever you can settle for that is "good enough." Just wish I could get there sooner rather than later. I feel the exact same way. Its like you lost "the one" but you gotta believe there is more than "one" person out there. If not - there wouldnt be so many married or couples in LTR - the odds would be stacked against you. I personally after being married & divorced and then finding a great guy (who ended it) - I have to believe there are other people out there for me. If I didnt hold that belief - then I never would've met my current ex. Which then brings me back to knowing exactly how you feel - I am in that same irrational place of thinking I will never meet anyone as great as him (current ex - not ex husband) - but you gotta try to switch those thoughts off - I know its difficult while you are in pain - but odds are you will meet a great girl - maybe you wont click in the exact same way your ex and you did - but maybe there will be other better ways you click. And yes - if there was a magic pill or whatever other crazy way anyone would say to get rid of the pain right this second - I would glady do it!
Author NewYorker2012 Posted March 31, 2012 Author Posted March 31, 2012 It's amazing how some days things are generally alright, or at least tolerable, and others you just fall apart again. I know that happens...I remember it happening during other breakups, but you never quite feel that it was as bad or difficult as this time. I wish I could be angry at this girl. I did a lot for her during our time together and I know a lot of other guys wouldn't have stayed around to help her deal with some of those issues, so it hurts terribly to just be dropped like that, but I know it wasn't her "fault." Can't get mad...just feeling empty now. I'd honestly prefer she'd have been terrible to me and had turned out to be a bad person so I could just drop it...but that's not the case. Really really hard to deal with.
blindesided Posted March 31, 2012 Posted March 31, 2012 It's amazing how some days things are generally alright, or at least tolerable, and others you just fall apart again. I know that happens...I remember it happening during other breakups, but you never quite feel that it was as bad or difficult as this time. I wish I could be angry at this girl. I did a lot for her during our time together and I know a lot of other guys wouldn't have stayed around to help her deal with some of those issues, so it hurts terribly to just be dropped like that, but I know it wasn't her "fault." Can't get mad...just feeling empty now. I'd honestly prefer she'd have been terrible to me and had turned out to be a bad person so I could just drop it...but that's not the case. Really really hard to deal with. You are singing my song exactly! I so wish he wouldve done something awful or even just a bit bad to make me angry and hate him. I honestly cant point out one flaw in him (I know he has them - but we dated for a short time - 6mos - so I hadnt found them yet) I think it makes it even harder. When I think of the breakup - I get so very sad since there isnt anything I can point to other than being at different stages in our life. The emptiness is one of the worst feelings out there. How sad am I when I start to envy some of the other posters who say their ex's were mean & treated them poorly, cheated...ect... I almost wish that was the case in my situation as crazy as it sounds. And yes some days are better than others - I cant say I have had a "good" day since the break up - I have had moments of being ok - only to have the panic & pain come crashing back. I know that is part of the process but damn I wish I would hurry up & feel normal again!
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