How do I get attracted to my wife again?

[dazednveryconfused]

Without going into too many details, me and my wife have been going through a rough time lately, and we've actually been seeing someone for the past 1-2 months. We've only had about 4-5 sessions, so we havent gone too far into stuff.

 

My biggest thing i'm worried about is not being attracted to her anymore. Over the years, and most in the last 2-3 years she's gained a significant amount of weight, and I feel less and less attracted to her. We haven't really been intimate for over a year now, mainly because of some of the issues we have been through. It's not just for me though, I hope we both get the passion back that we once had for each other...

 

My question is, is this something I should bring up in my sessions, or is this something that will get better as we improve on other indirect issues?

[january2011]

If there is an opportunity for individual counselling, you may wish to bring this issue up during those meetings to get some feedback before bringing it up in couples counselling.

 

From what I've seen, it is quite common for one spouse to 'let themselves go' in a long-term relationship. I think that it stems from more deeply rooted and ongoing issues, most often low self-esteem. This is something that she must work on for herself with your support.

 

You could try paying her more attention, spending more time with her, active listening to find out what her needs are and then try to meet those needs, etc. These should being you closer together in terms of your emotional bond and boost her self-esteem, but may not necessarily make you more attracted to her if your attraction is based mainly on her appearance and she is not able or willing to improve her appearance.

[standtall]

I would recommend that both of you start working out together. You can have a great conversation and bonding time long with exercising. Start off with power walking around your neighborhood and go from there.

[dazednveryconfused]

If there is an opportunity for individual counselling, you may wish to bring this issue up during those meetings to get some feedback before bringing it up in couples counselling.

 

From what I've seen, it is quite common for one spouse to 'let themselves go' in a long-term relationship. I think that it stems from more deeply rooted and ongoing issues, most often low self-esteem. This is something that she must work on for herself with your support.

 

You could try paying her more attention, spending more time with her, active listening to find out what her needs are and then try to meet those needs, etc. These should being you closer together in terms of your emotional bond and boost her self-esteem, but may not necessarily make you more attracted to her if your attraction is based mainly on her appearance and she is not able or willing to improve her appearance.

 

I never thought about individual cousnelling, I will mention it during my next session. thank you.

 

I do think you're right, that it stems from more deeply rooted and ongoing issues. I already do spend a lot of time with her, but I do admit its not quality time. I will try to think of some activiities that we can do together...

 

 

 

I would recommend that both of you start working out together. You can have a great conversation and bonding time long with exercising. Start off with power walking around your neighborhood and go from there.

 

Thats a good suggestion, I do ask her to go to the gym with me when I go, but its not that often. I think power walking is a good idea, we do have a dog. Its hard to get the motivation to do that since it rains so much where we live.

[yessy21]

i think that eventually you should sit down and talk to her about it. And at the same time ask her if there is something that she would like for you to do a little differently. it will keep her a little motivated and also ... making dinner together... healthy meals of course... good conversation with a nice glass of wine. it really works. and another thing that works and it works wonders is preparing meals ahead of time and storing them. i hardly ever have time to do anything so i make lunch for 2 days and dinner for 2 days. breakfeast is always iffy but not having to think about the making and planning of the food... makes me not overeat and i get food out of my head faster. i carry around an apple and banana. wherever i go in my car just in case i get the munchies when im driving.

[RiverRunning]

Were there other issues that came about before she started putting on weight? The birth of a child, other stresses in your marriage, financial woes? The weight gain in and of itself is probably not the problem, but the source of it has likely caused other issues.

 

If she's a SAHM, it's not uncommon that she might begin to feel inferior or closed in. She may resent that her biggest roles are as caretaker to a husband and children. Does your wife work? Does she have any outside hobbies? Was she particularly fit before she put on the weight?

 

I agree you should bring this up in individual therapy first.

 

But I don't think it should be brought up in couples' therapy.

 

I think the BEST way to help your wife is to maybe start taking over some of the cooking duties (look up recipes online). Take over the shopping and avoid bringing junk food into the house. IF you see junk...toss it out. Suggest you go for a walk. Sign up at a gym (some of the ones around me charge $20 a month and I can bring a guest) and play a game of basketball or go for an indoor swim. The opportunities there are limitless. Was there a type of exercise she used to enjoy?

 

I think the best possible way to approach this is as if she's sick (and she may well be, depression and all that). I think the worst possible way to react is with disgust or to be accusatory or cruel to her (demanding she exercise, insulting her, etc. Not saying you are, but it has been done to me before). Treat her as though you want her to get better and you want her to be happy. If diet and exercise is approached in a cruel way or she's insulted about her appearance or something, it's only going to backfire. When I was at my heaviest, every time someone wanted to rip into me about my food choices, lack of exercise or appearance, I just sank deeper into those habits because I felt so helpless.

 

Talk to her. Maybe you two can set aside a half hour each night, have a glass of wine or something after the kids are in bed and talk about your day. Talk about your problems. Have you ever heard of the card game "Ungame?" It's not stellar but the entire focus of it is just conversation starters. Some deep and meaningful, some superfluous in nature. Setting aside time to talk or to ask questions about each other you never knew about before could help rekindle a spark. It could also help uncover if she's suffering from depression or if she's angry or resentful about something.

[mostlyclueless]

Why would the issue resolve on its own if you don't bring it up?

 

Your wife knows she has gained weight. It is impossible for her not to. It is a solvable problem. Tell her. Do it nicely, but do it.

[The Blue Knight]

You're afraid to hurt her by bringing up the weight problem, but unless you're honest about this issue, it's not going away.

 

We marry someone because of not only who they are, but because of how they look. Physical attraction is a large part of what chemistry is.

 

She should be able to comprehend this if you lay it out for her in a caring and loving manner. What you'll find is she's either going to take this as a serious issue for you and respond accordingly, or she's not going to feel it's worth her time, or she simply lacks the discipline to change her attitude about food and exercise.

 

As to the other problems, not sure what you're dealing with. How long have you been married? How much weight are we talking about from the time of marriage to this point?

[sLiPpeTh]

Many, many, many decades ago...people got married for maintaining assets and rearing offspring. The notion of romantic love and sex for purposes beyond procreation is out of step with how things were.

 

Even now people stray and have lovers. Lots of people today don't get married because traditional marriage doesn't suit their way of being.

 

Not sure I could impart any advice to help. But good luck with that...

[quankanne]

you don't mention how long y'all have been married, so I'm guessing it's less than 10 years. Just want to reassure you that every so often (average 6-8 years), your relationship goes through a change and you feel like you're at a crossroads that usually involves being discontent or unhappy. The good news is, with the right tools (counseling, marriage enrichment), you learn to work through those periods and focus on what initially brought you together, what made you take that leap of faith with your partner.

 

the trick is to choose your marriage, every day, even those days you just want to pinch your spouse's head off because he/she is driving you nuts. It's very much a normal part of such an intimate relationship, and if you focus on the bedrock of love, making that daily choice comes more easily, IMO ...

[dazednveryconfused]

i think that eventually you should sit down and talk to her about it. And at the same time ask her if there is something that she would like for you to do a little differently. it will keep her a little motivated and also ... making dinner together... healthy meals of course... good conversation with a nice glass of wine. it really works. and another thing that works and it works wonders is preparing meals ahead of time and storing them. i hardly ever have time to do anything so i make lunch for 2 days and dinner for 2 days. breakfeast is always iffy but not having to think about the making and planning of the food... makes me not overeat and i get food out of my head faster. i carry around an apple and banana. wherever i go in my car just in case i get the munchies when im driving.

 

thank you for the suggestions... i have told her so she knows, and there are things she wants me to do differently, but i think with the issues we've been through its not so easy..

 

Were there other issues that came about before she started putting on weight? The birth of a child, other stresses in your marriage, financial woes? The weight gain in and of itself is probably not the problem, but the source of it has likely caused other issues.

 

If she's a SAHM, it's not uncommon that she might begin to feel inferior or closed in. She may resent that her biggest roles are as caretaker to a husband and children. Does your wife work? Does she have any outside hobbies? Was she particularly fit before she put on the weight?

 

I agree you should bring this up in individual therapy first.

 

But I don't think it should be brought up in couples' therapy.

 

I think the BEST way to help your wife is to maybe start taking over some of the cooking duties (look up recipes online). Take over the shopping and avoid bringing junk food into the house. IF you see junk...toss it out. Suggest you go for a walk. Sign up at a gym (some of the ones around me charge $20 a month and I can bring a guest) and play a game of basketball or go for an indoor swim. The opportunities there are limitless. Was there a type of exercise she used to enjoy?

 

I think the best possible way to approach this is as if she's sick (and she may well be, depression and all that). I think the worst possible way to react is with disgust or to be accusatory or cruel to her (demanding she exercise, insulting her, etc. Not saying you are, but it has been done to me before). Treat her as though you want her to get better and you want her to be happy. If diet and exercise is approached in a cruel way or she's insulted about her appearance or something, it's only going to backfire. When I was at my heaviest, every time someone wanted to rip into me about my food choices, lack of exercise or appearance, I just sank deeper into those habits because I felt so helpless.

 

Talk to her. Maybe you two can set aside a half hour each night, have a glass of wine or something after the kids are in bed and talk about your day. Talk about your problems. Have you ever heard of the card game "Ungame?" It's not stellar but the entire focus of it is just conversation starters. Some deep and meaningful, some superfluous in nature. Setting aside time to talk or to ask questions about each other you never knew about before could help rekindle a spark. It could also help uncover if she's suffering from depression or if she's angry or resentful about something.

 

thank you for the advice. There were some issues that have happened over the years, and its just been getting progressively worse. we're trying to work on them now in therapy.

 

 

Why would the issue resolve on its own if you don't bring it up?

 

Your wife knows she has gained weight. It is impossible for her not to. It is a solvable problem. Tell her. Do it nicely, but do it.

 

i don't expect it to. I wish it was that simple...

 

 

You're afraid to hurt her by bringing up the weight problem, but unless you're honest about this issue, it's not going away.

 

We marry someone because of not only who they are, but because of how they look. Physical attraction is a large part of what chemistry is.

 

She should be able to comprehend this if you lay it out for her in a caring and loving manner. What you'll find is she's either going to take this as a serious issue for you and respond accordingly, or she's not going to feel it's worth her time, or she simply lacks the discipline to change her attitude about food and exercise.

 

As to the other problems, not sure what you're dealing with. How long have you been married? How much weight are we talking about from the time of marriage to this point?

 

 

well i'm more of a physical person, which is how i feel attracted to someone, and she sees attraction as more emotional... we've been married for almost 2 years and i would guess she gained aroudn 30% over the years.

 

 

you don't mention how long y'all have been married, so I'm guessing it's less than 10 years. Just want to reassure you that every so often (average 6-8 years), your relationship goes through a change and you feel like you're at a crossroads that usually involves being discontent or unhappy. The good news is, with the right tools (counseling, marriage enrichment), you learn to work through those periods and focus on what initially brought you together, what made you take that leap of faith with your partner.

 

the trick is to choose your marriage, every day, even those days you just want to pinch your spouse's head off because he/she is driving you nuts. It's very much a normal part of such an intimate relationship, and if you focus on the bedrock of love, making that daily choice comes more easily, IMO ...

 

this makes sense... thanks.

[Anywhere]

One thing I think people forget Re:couples counseling is that even though by definition it is a "safe place" to share things, words once spoken aloud can't be taken back. If you admit you do not find her attractive, that she does not appeal to you and you say it that way, no amount of retraction or telling her something different later will ever remove those words from her mind. She will always hear your voice telling her that.

You stated that you are looking for activities to do together, how about something healthy that would inspire weight loss and do it together. You can mention to her gently that she seems to have stopped taking time to exercise for herself, or however you want to say it. It isn't a secret to her that she is no longer fit, but feeling that you find her not worthy of your desire will cause issues. No matter what anyone else tells you.

[The Blue Knight]

30% strikes me as a lot of weight dazed. We all need the emotional connection that your wife does, but a lot of women here on loveshack will tell you that they need a guy who takes care of his physique in order for them to stay attracted to them.

 

I think you're well within your prerogatives to simply tell her that her weight is causing you to lose interest. Be supportive but it's really up to her to decide if this is important enough to tackle, or to blow off.

[dazednveryconfused]

One thing I think people forget Re:couples counseling is that even though by definition it is a "safe place" to share things, words once spoken aloud can't be taken back. If you admit you do not find her attractive, that she does not appeal to you and you say it that way, no amount of retraction or telling her something different later will ever remove those words from her mind. She will always hear your voice telling her that.

You stated that you are looking for activities to do together, how about something healthy that would inspire weight loss and do it together. You can mention to her gently that she seems to have stopped taking time to exercise for herself, or however you want to say it. It isn't a secret to her that she is no longer fit, but feeling that you find her not worthy of your desire will cause issues. No matter what anyone else tells you.

 

I understand that I cannot take back what I might have said about her weight gain, in the future if I do try to encourage her to lose weight, I will definitely be careful and gentle.

 

30% strikes me as a lot of weight dazed. We all need the emotional connection that your wife does, but a lot of women here on loveshack will tell you that they need a guy who takes care of his physique in order for them to stay attracted to them.

 

I think you're well within your prerogatives to simply tell her that her weight is causing you to lose interest. Be supportive but it's really up to her to decide if this is important enough to tackle, or to blow off.

 

I agree, well said... i just can't help feeling guilty about not being attracted to her anymore...

[pteromom]

Find something active you can do together. How about ballroom dancing? It is active AND it encourages physical touch and moving together. If she won't go for dancing, try something else... tennis lessons; a "boot camp" program; karate; whatever. You can help her with her fitness and reconnect with her at the same time.

 

FLIRT. Even if you aren't feeling it, fake it until you make it. Be cute and witty and flirty and laugh. Just taking on that persona will make you feel hornier.

 

And until you feel attracted to your wife, don't underestimate the power of fantasy. Think about someone/something that really turns you on (or look at some porn), and instead of masturbating, go find your wife and jump her.

 

I think this is something that is fixable. Trust me, your wife doesn't WANT to be heavy. You have a lot of power to fix this.

[The Blue Knight]

I understand that I cannot take back what I might have said about her weight gain, in the future if I do try to encourage her to lose weight, I will definitely be careful and gentle.

 

I agree, well said... i just can't help feeling guilty about not being attracted to her anymore...

Then lay it out there before it gets worse. Give her a legitimate chance to improve on what's causing the problem for you. We just discussed this on another forum . . . the fact that spouses don't sound off about what's bothering them, then an affair results later and the hurt spouse is looking at the one that had the affair and asking, "why didn't you tell me about the problem?" Tell her. Even if it hurts her at least you're getting it out there. Then she can deal with it if her marriage means enough to her.

[Anywhere]

I might have misread this, but you stated she has gained 30% of her body weight in the last year? Has she seen a doctor? There could very well be a major underlying physical issue. Has she had her thyroid checked for one thing? That can also cause libido problems.

[darkmoon]

hard to diet while sharing meal-times and watching someone slim eat all they like, me, a woman, have only limited success

[dazednveryconfused]

pteromom - good suggestions, i'm going to try some of this.

 

The Blue Knight - she knows, and i have let her know, but we have a lot of deep issues we are going to counselling for.

 

Anywhere - 30% over the years

[Married and confused]

Without going into too many details, me and my wife have been going through a rough time lately, and we've actually been seeing someone for the past 1-2 months. We've only had about 4-5 sessions, so we havent gone too far into stuff.

 

My biggest thing i'm worried about is not being attracted to her anymore. Over the years, and most in the last 2-3 years she's gained a significant amount of weight, and I feel less and less attracted to her. We haven't really been intimate for over a year now, mainly because of some of the issues we have been through. It's not just for me though, I hope we both get the passion back that we once had for each other...

 

My question is, is this something I should bring up in my sessions, or is this something that will get better as we improve on other indirect issues?

My husband recently informed me that in order for our marriage to go forward, loosing weight was the most important thing I could change about me. He indicated that my weight gain was perceived as a lack of caring about our future together. I don't believe he understands me and I feel that he is choosing something about me for me to "fix" instead of looking at our relationship as a whole. So...my concern for you when talking to your wife is to be gentle and help her through the process, but understand that you some of the issues you elude to may not only be about her weight. What are the other issues? Could these issues have had an impact on her and led to her increase in weight as well. Your issues may be effecting her issues. I know that this is an old post, however, when looking for help for my own weight concerns and marriage issues, it struck a chord.

[The Blue Knight]

My husband recently informed me that in order for our marriage to go forward, loosing weight was the most important thing I could change about me. He indicated that my weight gain was perceived as a lack of caring about our future together. I don't believe he understands me and I feel that he is choosing something about me for me to "fix" instead of looking at our relationship as a whole. So...my concern for you when talking to your wife is to be gentle and help her through the process, but understand that you some of the issues you elude to may not only be about her weight. What are the other issues? Could these issues have had an impact on her and led to her increase in weight as well. Your issues may be effecting her issues. I know that this is an old post, however, when looking for help for my own weight concerns and marriage issues, it struck a chord.

Obviously there are differences with each marriage but I don't think it's unusual for either spouse to feel like they are under-appreciated when the other spouse let's their weight shoot up. It's hard not to take it as personal if you're the spouse who keeps on top of your fitness and your weight. It's also hard not to feel like you're being taken for granted by the spouse who let's themselves go.

 

I would suggest that a person letting their physical appearances go while married are one of the very real causes of affairs frankly. It doesn't make the affair okay. It's just that the person who is keeping themselves in shape may feel like their spouse really doesn't care enough to stay on top of the weight / fitness issue and therefore doesn't love them very deeply.

[dazednveryconfused]

My husband recently informed me that in order for our marriage to go forward, loosing weight was the most important thing I could change about me. He indicated that my weight gain was perceived as a lack of caring about our future together. I don't believe he understands me and I feel that he is choosing something about me for me to "fix" instead of looking at our relationship as a whole. So...my concern for you when talking to your wife is to be gentle and help her through the process, but understand that you some of the issues you elude to may not only be about her weight. What are the other issues? Could these issues have had an impact on her and led to her increase in weight as well. Your issues may be effecting her issues. I know that this is an old post, however, when looking for help for my own weight concerns and marriage issues, it struck a chord.

 

we have/had a lot of issues (which we are currently going to counselling for), and i do believe some of the weight gain could be because of them. I feel guilty about feeling this way, like something is wrong with me for not feeling as attracted to her because of her weight.. she has asked me at some point that why can't i just love her for how she is.

[The Blue Knight]

we have/had a lot of issues (which we are currently going to counselling for), and i do believe some of the weight gain could be because of them. I feel guilty about feeling this way, like something is wrong with me for not feeling as attracted to her because of her weight.. she has asked me at some point that why can't i just love her for how she is.

 

Sorry Dazed, that's a cop-out line which deflects her responsibility to keep herself attractive and fit for her husband. Your come-back line could be "how about if I love you for what you were?"

 

Loving someone for how they are if fine if it's beyond their control . . . they become very ill or sick for instance through no fault of their own.

 

What she wants is the best of both worlds. She wants you to love her unconditionally while she puts no effort into reshaping her physical appearance by taking some control over her body-weight. So the next time she uses that line on you, just mirror her own logic with "why can't you love me enough to lose the weight?"

[dazednveryconfused]

Sorry Dazed, that's a cop-out line which deflects her responsibility to keep herself attractive and fit for her husband. Your come-back line could be "how about if I love you for what you were?"

 

Loving someone for how they are if fine if it's beyond their control . . . they become very ill or sick for instance through no fault of their own.

 

What she wants is the best of both worlds. She wants you to love her unconditionally while she puts no effort into reshaping her physical appearance by taking some control over her body-weight. So the next time she uses that line on you, just mirror her own logic with "why can't you love me enough to lose the weight?"

 

Hmmm I never thought about it like that...

 

I do feel very strongly about seperating stuff you do or don't have control over. For example, i would never judge someone based on the colour of their skin, the height that they are, etc. I have let her know this.

 

Anyone else have an opinion on using the strategy of mirroring her own logic?

[dazednveryconfused]

TBH I find this kind of offensive. If H told me he was no longer attracted to me because of my weight (or any other physical characteristic) I think that would be a deal breaker. And I say that as a wife who has been cheated on and we are working through that. THAT I can imagine working through at least but being rejected for looks? The fact xOW is prettier than me, while just a coincidence and not the reason he cheated, is one of my biggest hurdles.

 

I am not significantly heavier than we we married, probably 10-15 pounds and weve been together over a decade and have 3 small kids... But I have always been overweight due to health issues. It seriously is not within my control the way people think it is. Yeah I could lose 10 pounds with diet and exercise or anxiety, but not the 40 pounds needed to make me slim. It's just a fact and no amount of "it's easy you eat less and exercise more" crap is going to change that. I nearly killed myself trying as a teen until an endocrinologist told me I just had to accept I would always be overweight and try to stay in overweight not obese. You won't have noticed but people who are overweight are always called obese in society.

 

Ok back to the issue. 2 thigs have changed: your feelings and your wife's looks. Why do you assume she's the one who Gould change exactly? How's about you try to grow into a better person, one who is attracted to beauty from within? I'm serious. I see your attitude as a serious character flaw and yet everyone's telling you that you have every right?

 

By all means take their advice and ask her ad gently as you like to slim down. I don't like the chances of a pretty outcome though and I feel for your wife.

 

 

You mention that would be a deal breaker, what about all the other characteristics that one would find attractive in another person? I love my wife very much, but i'm finding it difficult to be physically attracted to her. There are many other qualities that I fell in love with, which haven't' changed that keep me attracted, but not as much on a physical level.

 

I understand if the weight is something that she has no control over, but she does, and that's part of what bothers me. If she lost her leg, or burned her face that would be a different story.

 

I also understand how you would see my attitude as a serious character flaw, but i am starting to question how i feel as well. I think there is a deeper issue of physical vs emotional attraction. From what I can see is that men need the pysical attraction before they can feel emotionally attracted, and with women its the opposite. correct me if i'm wrong.