joemax Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Been seeing this girl for 3-4 months now, and she's great. I'm 24 in August and she turned 20 in January. She's slept with 7 guys, including me. First, do you find that number high for a 20 year old girl? Second, I don't know why but her past troubles me so much. I can't seem to get over the fact that she's slept with that many guys, including a black guy (not racist but she has a thing for black guys and that worries me). Also, she made out with a girl once a couple of years ago and she said that it turned her on. Should I be worried? Also, she slept with this guy before we got together. I know it's somewhat unfair, but I can't help feeling so bothered when I see him on her facebook. They don't talk anymore as far as I know, but I hate seeing her on her friends list. Would it be unfair if I asked her to unfriend him? And what if she says no? thanks
AriesBunny Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 You should not have bought your friends into this. You should not decide someone else's friends. Who your friends want as friends is their business.
SJC2008 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 The number seems a little high. Analyze what you are looking for. She's 20 so if you are looking for something serious, potentially leading to marriage than get out now. If you want light companionship and steady you know then be fine with it. I'm not trying to be funny but ask yourself "do I want to date a 20 year old who has slept with 7 guys and may be bisexual?". Make your decision based on your answer. Sound more like a legitimate concern than being insecure. 1
Teal Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 It would be helpful to analyze how many of those 7 guys (girls?) were: 1) Experimentation 2) Flings or casual dating 3) Committed relationships that crashed and burned 4) Committed relationships that simply were not in the best interest of the two involved 5) One night stands If she's had, say, mostly #4 with some #1, #2, or even #5 that bulked up the number, I wouldn't be worried. It's a lot of #3 and/or a lack of #4 that you want to look out for.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I try not to judge about sexual numbers, but even if I find 7 partners by age 20 a bit high -- for a gal or guy. How many people have you slept with? Are your numbers close (or proportionally close)?
january2011 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I think it's high but I'm not of your generation and I think that other factors might come into play. I also think that only you can decide your dealbreakers. However, no matter how great she is, if you cannot reconcile yourself with her past then it seems that this relationship does not have long-term potential.
Author joemax Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Thanks for all the replies, really appreciate it. Is there any way I can get over her past? I hate feeling like this.
Star Gazer Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I try not to judge about sexual numbers, but even if I find 7 partners by age 20 a bit high -- for a gal or guy. I agree. I had 3 at 20, and I felt like a whore at the time.
udolipixie Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 First, do you find that number high for a 20 year old girl? It's low to me. Though to me the number shouldn't worry you but the circumstances under which it took place. Probably be best suited not to be hypocritical such as judging her badly if she had lots of flings, no strings attached, or one night stands without committed relationships when you would have enjoyed the same thing. Second, I don't know why but her past troubles me so much. Perhaps because you're male and may consider her sexuality and body your property and dislike the thought of others inside your property. As well as disliking that she enjoyed sex with other guys and may have enjoy it more than she she did with you. Insecurities look at the thread title. I can't seem to get over the fact that she's slept with that many guys, including a black guy (not racist but she has a thing for black guys and that worries me). Why does it worry you? Are you afraid she'll leave you for a black hottie? If she wanted a black guy most likely she could have gotten one especially since she already had one. She chose you. Do you have a certain thing or things you prefer in women that she doesn't have? Also, she made out with a girl once a couple of years ago and she said that it turned her on. Should I be worried? She may be bisexual. If bisexuality disgusts you then probably best suited to worry that you may develop disgust for your partner and likely end the relationship. Would it be unfair if I asked her to unfriend him? To me it's unfair if you wouldn't do the same and not communicate with any gals you've ever had sex with, would like to have sex with, or thought about having sex with if it bothered her. And what if she says no? thanks Realize you don't own her and many people in relationships don't tend to have their partners dictate who they can communicate with, be friends with, or be in touch with if it's not cheating. 1
Jane2011 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 It's low to me. Though to me the number shouldn't worry you but the circumstances under which it took place. Probably be best suited not to be hypocritical such as judging her badly if she had lots of flings, no strings attached, or one night stands without committed relationships when you would have enjoyed the same thing. Agree. It could very well be that she lost her virginity at 15 and had seven partners over five years, all of whom liked her a lot, all of it in a clean bed, all of it with guys who she met in a very normal way (like through friends, at school, etc.), all of it ongoing for a few weeks or more because she was "seeing" that guy. Who knows? I'm not defending her (your girl) with the thought that 7 partners at 20 is okay. I myself only had 1 sex partner at 20 (lost my virginity that year). But plenty of girls lost their virginity earlier and are just sexual beings. Doesn't make them bad. If I were a guy, in a way, I'd be glad that I had a girl who was not a big nerd girl who never had any sex. lol....(no offense to anyone). Perhaps because you're male and may consider her sexuality and body your property and dislike the thought of others inside your property. As well as disliking that she enjoyed sex with other guys and may have enjoy it more than she she did with you. Insecurities look at the thread title. You (OP) might get over the above as you get older. Maybe it's only my experience, but I remember my boyfriends from when I was younger being a lot more concerned with "did I enjoy it more with someone else" (from the past) than older guys. Anyway, your thread reminds me of the movie Chasing Amy. You should watch it because the main character guy feels very hung up on the fact that his girlfriend has a lot of sexual experience and is bi-sexual.
Whisky1981 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Hm....I would say....stick to her for sexual pleasures but dont commit to her. Search elsewhere and keep her like a life experiece. Yea it souds bad but come on 7 guys till 20 and bi-sexual experiences. It would turn me on totally but this is not relationship material. So use her before she dumps you and then move on...she is a wild thing and she wont settle down for quite a while.
Thieves Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 (edited) Well, firstly, I find it odd that possibly being bisexual -- of all things -- would be a quality that could make someone not relationship material. Bisexuals are normal people too and just as capable of monogamy as anyone else. Your girlfriend said she made out with a girl once and it turned her on? I don't see much of a big deal in that, just that she may be attracted to both sexes. I don't think 7 partners is too high for a 20 year old, no. Some people are just more naturally comfortable with their sexuality. I'd look at the quality of those partners, not quantity. Also keep in mind how you'd feel if you had the same amount of partners and she asked the same thing about you... Everyone has a past, but try to focus on the here and now. She is with you for a reason, so she must see some good in the relationship or else I'm assuming she would've moved on by now. Concerning the whole 'she has a thing for black guys' thing, your worry over it is kind of strange. Why does that concern you? I'm going to take a shot in the dark here, though: are you concerned about the whole stereotype of black men having bigger penises than others and that she might be comparing you to them? Again, be honest. Edited March 28, 2012 by Thieves
Author joemax Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 It's low to me. Though to me the number shouldn't worry you but the circumstances under which it took place. Probably be best suited not to be hypocritical such as judging her badly if she had lots of flings, no strings attached, or one night stands without committed relationships when you would have enjoyed the same thing. I try so hard not to judge and just disregard her past but it's so hard for me. I find myself just thinking about it sometimes, and it drives me nuts. just the thought of her with other guys. She had 3 serious boyfriends, and 3 one night stand type situations. Why does it worry you? Are you afraid she'll leave you for a black hottie? If she wanted a black guy most likely she could have gotten one especially since she already had one. She chose you. Do you have a certain thing or things you prefer in women that she doesn't have? No clue really. I just hate imagining the guy on her facebook telling all his friends about how he had sex with her, it literally tears me up inside. And I told her I'd like her to maybe consider deleting him off her facebook but she said she wont do it 'cause it's 'not healthy' and I should trust her. Agree. It could very well be that she lost her virginity at 15 and had seven partners over five years, all of whom liked her a lot, all of it in a clean bed, all of it with guys who she met in a very normal way (like through friends, at school, etc.), all of it ongoing for a few weeks or more because she was "seeing" that guy. Who knows? I'm not defending her (your girl) with the thought that 7 partners at 20 is okay. I myself only had 1 sex partner at 20 (lost my virginity that year). But plenty of girls lost their virginity earlier and are just sexual beings. Doesn't make them bad. She lost her virginity at 14 (which I also think is very young) and becomes super defensive when I talk to her about her past, which is normal I guess. She was with 2 boyfriends (one for 3 years and another for 2), so she technically had sex with 4 guys in one year (which once again seems somewhat high to me?) You (OP) might get over the above as you get older. Maybe it's only my experience, but I remember my boyfriends from when I was younger being a lot more concerned with "did I enjoy it more with someone else" (from the past) than older guys. I really hope so. Maybe it's a case of me still being young and not used to this. But the more I grow the more I have to accept the fact that girls I get with will have been with more and more guys. Anyway, your thread reminds me of the movie Chasing Amy. You should watch it because the main character guy feels very hung up on the fact that his girlfriend has a lot of sexual experience and is bi-sexual.I'll make sure to check it out! Well, firstly, I find it odd that possibly being bisexual -- of all things -- would be a quality that could make someone not relationship material. Bisexuals are normal people too and just as capable of monogamy as anyone else. Your girlfriend said she made out with a girl once and it turned her on? I don't see much of a big deal in that, just that she may be attracted to both sexes. That's what I tell myself, and I realize my fears aren't all well-placed. I just have to fight them. It's a nasty inner battle. Concerning the whole 'she has a thing for black guys' thing, your worry over it is kind of strange. Why does that concern you? I'm going to take a shot in the dark here, though: are you concerned about the whole stereotype of black men having bigger penises than others and that she might be comparing you to them? Again, be honest.I honestly have no idea. I used to date a girl that was black myself, so I just don't understand it. Like I said though, I just hate thinking about him talking to his friends about how he slept with my gf and whatnot, bragging about it and all.
january2011 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 You could try googling "retroactive jealousy."
mostlyclueless Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Why would it possibly matter how many sexual partners she had before you?
udolipixie Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I try so hard not to judge and just disregard her past but it's so hard for me. I find myself just thinking about it sometimes, and it drives me nuts. just the thought of her with other guys. She had 3 serious boyfriends, and 3 one night stand type situations. It's not about judging to me it's about hypocritical judging. Would you have done the same and enjoyed a few one night stands or no strings sex if you had the opportunities? If so and you're judging her negatively then you're a hypocrite. No clue really. I just hate imagining the guy on her facebook telling all his friends about how he had sex with her, it literally tears me up inside. And I told her I'd like her to maybe consider deleting him off her facebook but she said she wont do it 'cause it's 'not healthy' and I should trust her. Most likely the male ego of considering her your sexual property therefore a guy talking about how he has enjoyed your property makes you look like ca chump with used goods. He got it for "free" and you're paying for it via relationship. Perhaps it's best suited to deal with virgin gals or gals with numbers you approve who don't have contact with guys they have had sex with.
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