zengirl Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 The saddest thing about you, is that you only think a guy would date you because he's desperate. And then you warp that thought and start thinking that any guy who wants to date you is desperate. “I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member” - Groucho Marx This is very true, though it's the precise reason V should not date guys who are feeling desperation about dating (can't you see how that would feed into this? I think part of that is what has fed into this because she dated such guys, perhaps because they seemed more accessible, and it enhanced this self-concept). And yes, this is precisely V's main problem in how she sees herself and the world.
AriesBunny Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Girls with troubled self-esteem should stay far away from desperate guys, even if the two types seem like a match made in heaven.I have some friends like that. She had self-esteem issues and he was desperate. He contacted her on a dating site. Today they have two children and he is still miserable and desperate because he thought he couldn't get better. He felt constricted and she is like his mother ordering her to do things. She married him because she thought the only guy giving her some interests is for her. I do not think this was a match made in heaven but none the less a match.
Author verhrzn Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 The saddest thing about you, is that you only think a guy would date you because he's desperate. And then you warp that thought and start thinking that any guy who wants to date you is desperate. “I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member” - Groucho Marx No, I don't think any man who would date me is desperate... I think any man who states that he's dating me because he's desperate, is desperate.
Els Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 No, I don't think any man who would date me is desperate... I think any man who states that he's dating me because he's desperate, is desperate. Did he? (10 ch)
Els Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Did SD state that he only wants to date you because he's desperate? 1
Author verhrzn Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Did SD state that he only wants to date you because he's desperate? Directly, no. Indirectly, god yes. His constant threads about how he can't get women he wants, about his standards (none of which I fit), and how he just needs a "practice" girlfriend... Tell the truth, if I started a thread here about a guy I was interested in who had said all the same things SD has, wouldn't you be like "Yeeeeah he doesn't sound into you, he sounds desperate."
Els Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 As I mentioned before, I think he's really just talking out his ass in those cases and genuinely finds you attractive, but I can certainly understand why you would think that about him, especially if you take his words for face value. I guess that's why I kept trying to encourage him to change his mindset, because it may repel women who were otherwise interested. That being said, I think you accepting an FWB from the guy in your OP would be a far, far, far worse choice, and I think SD is understandably hurt that you would consider THAT, but not him. Fortunately, you're not going to accept the FWB now, are you?
Author verhrzn Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 As I mentioned before, I think he's really just talking out his ass in those cases and genuinely finds you attractive, but I can certainly understand why you would think that about him, especially if you take his words for face value. I guess that's why I kept trying to encourage him to change his mindset, because it may repel women who were otherwise interested. That being said, I think you accepting an FWB from the guy in your OP would be a far, far, far worse choice, and I think SD is understandably hurt that you would consider THAT, but not him. Fortunately, you're not going to accept the FWB now, are you? Well if another one came along... Considering all the evidence, my options seem to be: 1) Date desperate guys who will then dump me for someone hotter once they gain the confidence. 2) Have FWBs. 3) Be alone. I am hard-pressed to figure out which one should come out on top.
WildHorses Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Have you ever heard of a vibrator? FWB is a risky choice. Not to mention this guy has said that if only you were "hotter." You would sleep with somebody that thinks that way about you? Are you that desperate, have low self-esteem about yourself? FBW is risky being that somebody could end up getting hurt. Realize that just because you put out, that does not mean he will EVER want to date you. I would NEVER hook up with a man that would say what he said to you. In order to do an FWB you have to have the correct mindset to realize that you two are not going to have a relationship, he will drop you as soon as the "hotter" girl comes around. Why not just enjoy life, without having a man in it? When the timing is right, a better man will come around. In the meantime why not FWB a vibrator or dildo. You can put that down when you meet a guy that is worthy of your time. The Dildo will not get hurt and neither will you when you decide to toss that in the back of your closet. Or, why not introduce it to the man that actually cares about you?! More fun in the bedroom!
zengirl Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Well if another one came along... Considering all the evidence, my options seem to be: 1) Date desperate guys who will then dump me for someone hotter once they gain the confidence. 2) Have FWBs. 3) Be alone. I am hard-pressed to figure out which one should come out on top. V, I think you are a smart, pretty girl with many talents you don't realize, but I think you REALLY, REALLY suck at considering all the evidence on such things objectively. FTR. 2
Author verhrzn Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 V, I think you are a smart, pretty girl with many talents you don't realize, but I think you REALLY, REALLY suck at considering all the evidence on such things objectively. FTR. Would it do any good to ask you to explain how your take on the evidence is any more objective than mine? Or why my take isn't objective?
Els Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Why can't you just admit...you don't find him attractive? You sound more desperate than he does, why doesn't he take offense like you do? Why is it women want the power to make decisions, but blame others for the decisions they, so-called autonomous beings, arbitrarily make? If SomeDude was a woe is me guy at a night club, but looked like whatever shirtless stud you have a poster of in your bedroom, you would probably sleep with him that very night. A woman who lets "the cute guy in my office" come right out and proposition no strings attached sex because he is desperate to get laid, then ACCEPTS, wants to use complex jargon to deflect blame and say you won't date Mr Dude because he's "desperate"? I don't have a problem with women being sluts. I don't have a problem with women choosing and being shallow. What I'm absolutely sick of, is women blaming the men they reject for being rejected, so that they don't feel like shallow sluts. All we so called "trolls" ask, is for women to start being honest, instead of having men chase tangents...the reality is there are guys you wouldnt date no matter what personality or things they said. So... all the women you dated had posters of shirtless studs in their bedrooms?? Well, that explains a lot of things...
Author verhrzn Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 So... all the women you dated had posters of shirtless studs in their bedrooms?? Well, that explains a lot of things... That they were like, 15? 1
zengirl Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Would it do any good to ask you to explain how your take on the evidence is any more objective than mine? Or why my take isn't objective? Well. . . I'm not claiming to be the most objective person in the world (I'd laugh at the thought!), but I am bound to have very little stake in viewing it without objectivity in this case (no hopes and fears related to it whatsoever). Though what you have, that I don't, is total information. Obviously, we cannot brain dump all your experiences into a film for me to watch, nor would they appear objective if we could (since they were filtered through your brain first!). Generally, I'd say no one is objective about themselves. FTR. But my assertion here, as you probably guessed, is due mostly to your beliefs assisting you in ignoring good feedback and fixating on bad feedback. As you did with my post! I complimented several points about you in that post, and you fixated on my singular criticism.
eleanorhurting Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Well if another one came along... Considering all the evidence, my options seem to be: 1) Date desperate guys who will then dump me for someone hotter once they gain the confidence. 2) Have FWBs. 3) Be alone. I am hard-pressed to figure out which one should come out on top. I think you deserve nothing less than somoene who will not "leave you for someone hotter" because they are crazy about YOU. If you have to be alone and wait then so be it. I know how you feel and it is frustrating sometimes. But, I really do think that getting in a FWB situation is the worst thing you can do. 4
Author verhrzn Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Well, women are mentally 15 forever, including you Roseanne. Only in truly insane times does a dumpy, plain, feminist Anime fan have the nerve to reject a perfectly normal looking, good hearted guy like somedude. Enjoy it while you can. If you're complaining about the dynamics now, imagine what it would be like if we didn't live in a society that says women can do anything they feel no matter who or what it affects. If you like him so much, you should date him.
fishtaco Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 This is what I think. He's not a player. Players lie to get what they want. He's honest about his intentions. He wants sex, but at the same time he doesn't want to mislead you in order to get sex. He wants to use you only for sex, because you're not pretty enough. Well, you're using him only for sex too, because he's not good enough to be a LTR partner. So I don't see why you have to take the "defensive stance" like some of the posters said. In fact I'd say you two are on equal footing. You're not good enough for him, and he's not good enough for you either. In fact, I'd say that's a bullet dodged for you, it'd be a really bad idea to get into a relationship with someone like him. So the question is, can YOU handle FWB? - It won't end in a relationship, but that's actually a good thing in this case. - It could destroy the friendship, but I don't think there's much friendship going on anyway. - There will be gossip flying around in your circle, can you handle that? Gossip doesn't bother me, does it bother you? - Are you going to get attached? - It doesn't stop you from dating, you just hang out and have sex sometimes. Tell him you are looking for a LTR, so if anything happens, he's low priority. He'll know that, and he'll be fine with it. If not, then tell him no. You have control if you want to spend the Friday night having sex with him or going out and meet guys. Plus you can end the FWB status anytime, so can he. So you have to ask yourself, what do you get out of the LTR? Remember you are using him too. What are you using him for? If you're going to go for it, my advice is to make it more like booty call and less like FWB. Difference is FWB do friend things on top of sex. Booty call is sex, and minimal amount of anything else. Booty call minimizes the chance of any attachment happening -- don't "get to know him", use him for sex, ego boost, whatever it is that you get out of it, and leave, until next time. Let's say you're dating, and the guy asks about your status. Don't tell him you have FWB. Say you're just a single girl doing single girl things. Then ask him is he asking you to be exclusive. Because really, you don't ask for people's dating status unless you are ready for exclusivity. If he says yes, then say ok, I like you enough, I'll give you exclusivity, then tell your FWB, that's it, no more. That's what I think, but I'm a guy and a multidater. 1
Author verhrzn Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 I don't care about him, what catches my attention is your nerve. Your nerve to whine for days on end about how nobody wants you, in reality it's that many want you, you're just another picky bitch without a mirror. You're not the bachelorette, you're a nerdy broad who gets validation from getting rooted by virtual strangers with nothing but a pretty exterior. Shouldn't you be cheering that the poor men don't have to get stuck with a frumpy, plain, feminist nerd like me? Surely that's a victory! The poor man not stuck with an ugly fat girl! Huzzah!
SmileFace Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Fishtaco yet again you have proved to be one of my favorite posters / sorry to thread jack
somedude81 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Well if another one came along... Considering all the evidence, my options seem to be: 1) Date desperate guys who will then dump me for someone hotter once they gain the confidence. 2) Have FWBs. 3) Be alone. I am hard-pressed to figure out which one should come out on top. Something I just realized. You have no proof that #1 is going to dump you when he gets some confidence. #2 is 100% going to leave you when he finds somebody hotter. 1
Author verhrzn Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Shouldn't you be doing something other than projecting. Playing the "I have low self-esteem, bomb my inbox with compliments and male attention" card while being just another picky, impossible to please bitch is not something that is the fault of any man. I'll happily send you screenshots of my message box here, and all of my online dating sites.... no compliments or male attention. I have no idea what you are talking about with "projection".... I am just repeating about myself exactly what you said about me. Something I just realized. You have no proof that #1 is going to dump you when he gets some confidence. #2 is 100% going to leave you when he finds somebody hotter. If #1 settles for me out of desperation, not because I'm something he actually wants, or settles for me because he thinks he can't get what he wants (because he is lacking in confidence, and so goes for the low hanging, she's-too-ugly-to-ever-reject-me fruit), why wouldn't he dump me once he can has confidence (and thus can get the thing he actually wants)? To put it in terms trolls can understand, you buy the tiny TV because you are poor. Once you get a better job, and can afford to buy the bigger HD TV, why wouldn't you upgrade? 1
fishtaco Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Fishtaco yet again you have proved to be one of my favorite posters / sorry to thread jack Wow, thanks. I usually just assume LS people don't agree with my posts, because I'm not into the goodie goodie stuff. It's all about practicality. 1
somedude81 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I'll happily send you screenshots of my message box here, and all of my online dating sites.... no compliments or male attention. I have no idea what you are talking about with "projection".... I am just repeating about myself exactly what you said about me. If #1 settles for me out of desperation, not because I'm something he actually wants, or settles for me because he thinks he can't get what he wants (because he is lacking in confidence, and so goes for the low hanging, she's-too-ugly-to-ever-reject-me fruit), why wouldn't he dump me once he can has confidence (and thus can get the thing he actually wants)? To put it in terms trolls can understand, you buy the tiny TV because you are poor. Once you get a better job, and can afford to buy the bigger HD TV, why wouldn't you upgrade? There's that "just because a guy is desperate, means he can't get anything better than me" thought. Even then, why do you have so much animosity if the desperate guy leaves you but don't care if Mr. FWB leaves you, which he will.
Chubbi Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Why can't you just admit...you don't find him attractive? You sound more desperate than he does, why doesn't he take offense like you do? Why is it women want the power to make decisions, but blame others for the decisions they, so-called autonomous beings, arbitrarily make? If SomeDude was a woe is me guy at a night club, but looked like whatever shirtless stud you have a poster of in your bedroom, you would probably sleep with him that very night. A woman who lets "the cute guy in my office" come right out and proposition no strings attached sex because he is desperate to get laid, then ACCEPTS, wants to use complex jargon to deflect blame and say you won't date Mr Dude because he's "desperate"? I don't have a problem with women being sluts. I don't have a problem with women choosing and being shallow. What I'm absolutely sick of, is women blaming the men they reject for being rejected, so that they don't feel like shallow sluts. All we so called "trolls" ask, is for women to start being honest, instead of having men chase tangents...the reality is there are guys you wouldnt date no matter what personality or things they said. I actually agree with this. Bottom line is V doesn't find SD attractive. If an attractive guy was desperate enough for her, she would hitch to him in a heartbeat. Prime example, the FWB situation. On the other hand, SD has shot himself in the foot with the women on this forum with some of the things he posted. I wouldn't date him either . All in the date you're going to be thinking, "Does he think I'm fat/ugly/flat-chested?" And every girl you pass is going to be competition since he only talks about physical attributes for women he likes. How would you date someone you constantly feel insecure around? Not healthy, and plus he has other issues. I think it's a good decision for V anyway. 1
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