FWB After A Long LTR Drought?

[somedude81]

Lion-o.

 

There is no reason in continuing this.

 

It's obvious she's not interested. And after what she said, I'm not either. I would hate to imagine what it's like dating somebody like that.

[verhrzn]

Because I can remember SD at least once indicated that he liked you. And I remember you declined that offer based on an assumption you made about him. An assumption that could be wrong.

 

THAT's why I invited SD to be straightforward with you. Because him being straightforward with you in regards to addressing the assumptions you have about him would have addressed the very "issues" you mentioned you had with him, i.e. the reasons why you think he's not boyfriend material.

 

You assume certain things about him, you interpret some things he says in a very negative way. Perhaps in reality it's less negative than you think. In my opinion you should give him a chance to explain why he said certain things. Perhaps it's not as bad as you think it is. I don't think he's a bad guy, he seems way too respectful for that.

 

You're afraid he would hurt you. That's the idea you have of him. But you could be wrong.

 

 

 

Well for starters you were completely wrong about why I thought you could both give it a shot. The way you explained it is so negative, that it never even popped up in my mind that way. It's like you assumption of the way I think is really far removed from the way I actually think. There's a significant discrepancy there. That discrepancy is big enough for me to think that you view things in a very negative way, an unbalanced way. It's not realistic, it's tilted towards an extreme and that extreme is a negative perspective and a negative self-image.

 

*Sigh and shakes head* Really wish I could PM you to explain.

[veggirl]

Update: my friend recently turned single, and was complaining to me how she really needs a rebound to get her over the ex. After starting this thread, I sent my friend the guy's info, and she contacted him through Facebook. They are now meeting up Friday.

 

So, looks like everybody wins. God bless us, one and all.

 

BOOOOO!!!

 

Also, you are quite nice and giving to the friends you have that are so mean to you. Shoulda kept that guy for yourself, gf.

 

Then why else push us together? A lot of posters have said something along the lines of "hey you're both desperate, just date each other and problem solved!" I fail to see how resisting that is "sabotaging" anything good.

 

I still ask why my perspective is negative, instead of realistic.

 

NO. I don't suggest you two to one another because I think you are both desperate. I actually don't find you to be desperate. I think you COULD be a good pair (or the worst ever, it would be one extreme or the other I think) because you have similar interests and can relate to one anothers struggles. It has NOTHING to do with any perceived desperation on either end. I actually think SD would treat you like a queen, but then I also think you'd push it away

 

Lion-o.

 

There is no reason in continuing this.

 

It's obvious she's not interested. And after what she said, I'm not either. I would hate to imagine what it's like dating somebody like that.

 

[verhrzn]

I don't understand why you want to PM me about SD behind his back. If there was anyone you should have been straightforward with it was SD. You can PM him and explain it to him, he's the one that can give you feedback about himself, I don't have those answers. You have some assumptions about him and he's the only one that can clear them up for you or confirm them.

 

I've already explained in private, and in detail, to SD why he's hurt my feelings. Pretty much exactly what I said earlier in the thread. He hand-waved away my concerns and is now presenting me as the bad guy and himself as the victim. THAT'S what really gets to me.

[veggirl]

I've already explained in private, and in detail, to SD why he's hurt my feelings. Pretty much exactly what I said earlier in the thread. He hand-waved away my concerns and is now presenting me as the bad guy and himself as the victim. THAT'S what really gets to me.

 

Well, a big old hearmph to SD then.

 

For the record, I think you're both terribly misguided but at the core of it lovely people! I think you both hurt and sabotage yourselves more than anyone else ever could. I think you have a lot in common. I think neither of you (in general, not regarding one another) know what to do with yourselves. It's a shame (I think) that you can't build one another up, I think you both have great potential! So, that's what I think you have in common. Also, video games!

[somedude81]

Man, I wish I had this many, more like any people trying to work things out between the girl I liked and myself. I really could have used somebody in my corner then.

 

What a waste.

[zengirl]

Aside from both struggling in relationships, I really fail to see what SD and V have in common. Is that really enough common ground to build anything on? Not to mention, they live ages away from each other. I've always been kind of weirded out by this assertion that they date -- it feels kind of patronizing to say, "You two should go out!" all the time. FWIW, just my 2 cents. I know it would bother me, if someone were consistently doing that to me (telling me I should go out with someone on a message board constantly because we're both unlucky in love).

 

Additionally, I fail to see how it would help someone like V (who's warped self-image has her believing that men are always 'settling' for her) to go out with someone like Somedude (who's warped image of life has suggested to him that his whole life would change for the better, his confidence would improve, and his streak of bad luck would be ended if he just got a GF and some success). I can see where it would potentially give SD some temporary validation -- with his beliefs being what they are -- though I think he would ultimately get nowhere with it because a SO doesn't fix you -- but I think it'd potentially exacerbate V's self-esteem problems. It's not like she can "un-read" anything of SD's she's read on these threads, and he often expresses the exact ideas she's been hurt by before (male desperation, wanting a girl to make them better, the next step -- as she sees it -- is leaving that original girl).

 

Anyway, that's what I see whenever this comes up. I'm not sure if it is my business, so I've never said it, but I guess I feel like being intrusive this morning. Just a perspective.

[verhrzn]

Aside from both struggling in relationships, I really fail to see what SD and V have in common. Is that really enough common ground to build anything on? Not to mention, they live ages away from each other. I've always been kind of weirded out by this assertion that they date -- it feels kind of patronizing to say, "You two should go out!" all the time. FWIW, just my 2 cents. I know it would bother me, if someone were consistently doing that to me (telling me I should go out with someone on a message board constantly because we're both unlucky in love).

 

Additionally, I fail to see how it would help someone like V (who's warped self-image has her believing that men are always 'settling' for her) to go out with someone like Somedude (who's warped image of life has suggested to him that his whole life would change for the better, his confidence would improve, and his streak of bad luck would be ended if he just got a GF and some success). I can see where it would potentially give SD some temporary validation -- with his beliefs being what they are -- though I think he would ultimately get nowhere with it because a SO doesn't fix you -- but I think it'd potentially exacerbate V's self-esteem problems. It's not like she can "un-read" anything of SD's she's read on these threads, and he often expresses the exact ideas she's been hurt by before (male desperation, wanting a girl to make them better, the next step -- as she sees it -- is leaving that original girl).

 

Anyway, that's what I see whenever this comes up. I'm not sure if it is my business, so I've never said it, but I guess I feel like being intrusive this morning. Just a perspective.

 

Actually, this is exactly what I want to express, just much more eloquently. Thank you Zen!! Heck, just being on the same message board as him sometimes exacerbates my insecurities.

[Chubbi]

To me, it's suspicious that vehrzn hasn't gotten any messages from men on online dating. when I set up a profile, I put in the bare minimum and I get messages from men encouraging me to add photos, get to know. On one site, all I put was I was a female from the city and I got messages.

[verhrzn]

To me, it's suspicious that vehrzn hasn't gotten any messages from men on online dating. when I set up a profile, I put in the bare minimum and I get messages from men encouraging me to add photos, get to know. On one site, all I put was I was a female from the city and I got messages.

 

I am an amazing freak. I swear, I'll give you my password and you can see for yourself.

 

Though I have noticed something that fills me with rage... I recently abandoned Match after 6 months because 3 months had passed without anyone messaging me (or messaging me back.) Now, all of a sudden, I have messages from Match almost every day about how "HE has emailed you-renew your account to read the email!" What an awful rip-off.

[make me believe]

I completely agree with zengirl. I hate how every thread V starts turns into people telling her to date somedude. It is weird and totally patronizing to both of them. Especially since they have BOTH said that they are NOT interested in dating each other. Give it a rest, people. Plus I feel like everyone wants them to date just so LS can watch from a distance and be entertained by it. Gross.

[Els]

V, I vote take SD up on his offer to attend that comic event coming up -- go as FRIENDS, and if it goes somewhere, great. If not, fine - you took a vacation and went to a fun event.

 

I hear what you're saying about his attitude, but you have a less-than-rosy attitude, too, girlfriend. And in spite of all the work I do to improve it, I do, too, so I know what it's about.

 

I see nothing wrong with FWB, but if the guy has said insulting things about you, it's a horrible idea. Don't disrespect yourself like that. I myself had my first FWB last year, because though I can find men who want to date me, I am having a very hard time finding a man who wants to date me and who I also want to date. They all have big issues that I know will impede a lasting relationship.

 

But it's freaking lonely and sometimes feels impossible to spend all this time and effort working on your damn self with no hugs, cuddles, or any of that good stuff to help give you a lift and keep you going. But I think that even for FWB, you can find better than a guy who has said mean things about you.

 

Wait, why does everyone know about this comic con event except me?

 

I completely agree with this post. I really don't get why people sweat the small stuff before even being friends IRL. If I could attend a comic con, I certainly would, and I'm not even hunting for mates there.

 

Then why else push us together? A lot of posters have said something along the lines of "hey you're both desperate, just date each other and problem solved!" I fail to see how resisting that is "sabotaging" anything good.

 

I still ask why my perspective is negative, instead of realistic.

 

I always thought the two of you should give each other a chance, NOT for the reasons you mentioned (that you are jumping to, again). It's because, well, do you know how painful it is to watch a guy and a girl with relatively similar interests, posting day in and day out about being 'single and alone and miserable for the rest of their lives', when there COULD (I say 'could', you don't know til you know the person) be a way out for both of them?

 

I do agree that there could be problems if SD's RL actions turn out to mirror some of the things he's said here about women. But my gut reaction is that he's just shooting his mouth out of bitterness half the time.

[gurr13r]

How is it a FWB if he isnt your friend, he doesnt think you are hot or much fun,but would still have sex with you because he has run out of options, if it were me I would want to keep my dignity and tell him where to go with his offer... just sayin

[somedude81]

Aside from both struggling in relationships, I really fail to see what SD and V have in common. Is that really enough common ground to build anything on?

Similar interests, hobbies, personality etc.

 

Not to mention, they live ages away from each other.

That's the biggest issue for me. I don't understand LDR's. If we somehow got together, we'd probably only meet like three times a year. What is the point of that? I guarantee that I would be looking for a local girl at the same time.

 

For me the distance is the primary hangup and I wouldn't see it as anything more than a few flings a year with some Skyping in between. That hardly seems like something she would enjoy.

 

Additionally, I fail to see how it would help someone like V (who's warped self-image has her believing that men are always 'settling' for her) to go out with someone like Somedude (who's warped image of life has suggested to him that his whole life would change for the better, his confidence would improve, and his streak of bad luck would be ended if he just got a GF and some success). I can see where it would potentially give SD some temporary validation -- with his beliefs being what they are -- though I think he would ultimately get nowhere with it because a SO doesn't fix you --

I would definitely gain a lot of validation. Though how long it lasts is up in the air. I don't have any past experiences to compare it with so I have no idea. Hell, V has more knowledge about the phenomena then I do.

 

but I think it'd potentially exacerbate V's self-esteem problems. It's not like she can "un-read" anything of SD's she's read on these threads, and he often expresses the exact ideas she's been hurt by before (male desperation, wanting a girl to make them better, the next step -- as she sees it -- is leaving that original girl).

I still don't see how it would make V worse. I wouldn't do anything to hurt her. What Lion-o said earlier was pretty much spot on.

Anyway, that's what I see whenever this comes up. I'm not sure if it is my business, so I've never said it, but I guess I feel like being intrusive this morning. Just a perspective.

Don't worry about being intrusive. It's forum drama. This stuff is more exciting than day-time TV.

 

I do agree that there could be problems if SD's RL actions turn out to mirror some of the things he's said here about women. But my gut reaction is that he's just shooting his mouth out of bitterness half the time.

Elswyth my dear, you know me all too well

[Professor X]

I still don't see how it would make V worse. I wouldn't do anything to hurt her. What Lion-o said earlier was pretty much spot on.

Don't make promises you can't keep.

 

Also, the fact you haven't been with anyone will just reinforce her insecurities that she only gets guy who have nothing else, in other words, she's their last resort.

[KathyM]

How is it a FWB if he isnt your friend, he doesnt think you are hot or much fun,but would still have sex with you because he has run out of options, if it were me I would want to keep my dignity and tell him where to go with his offer... just sayin

Exactly. What a bum. Seriously. I can't believe some people think bedding this type of jerk would be a good plan. Have some self respect, people. Don't allow yourselves to be used by men who don't appreciate or respect you. Thank God Verzyn didn't take this guy up on his "offer".

[somedude81]

Don't make promises you can't keep.

Can you explain?

Also, the fact you haven't been with anyone will just reinforce her insecurities that she only gets guy who have nothing else, in other words, she's their last resort.

That would be an issue of hers that is completely independent of me. It would apply to any guy like me.

[somedude81]

How is it a FWB if he isnt your friend, he doesnt think you are hot or much fun,but would still have sex with you because he has run out of options, if it were me I would want to keep my dignity and tell him where to go with his offer... just sayin

 

Exactly. What a bum. Seriously. I can't believe some people think bedding this type of jerk would be a good plan. Have some self respect, people. Don't allow yourselves to be used by men who don't appreciate or respect you. Thank God Verzyn didn't take this guy up on his "offer".

That's why I was pretty much shocked when she said she was considering it.

 

It didn't make any sense to me and I wanted to know how he pulled it off.

[Professor X]

Can you explain?

 

That would be an issue of hers that is completely independent of me. It would apply to any guy like me.

There's your explanation, that's how you'd hurt her. Her issues or not, you'd hurt her.

 

Besides, you can never promise anyone that you'd never hurt them, you never were in a RS so I get it that it's easy for you to throw such a sentence, but if you'd fall out of love with her, than you'd break up and you'd hurt her still - just giving you the most basic example.

[somedude81]

There's your explanation, that's how you'd hurt her. Her issues or not, you'd hurt her.

 

Besides, you can never promise anyone that you'd never hurt them, you never were in a RS so I get it that it's easy for you to throw such a sentence, but if you'd fall out of love with her, than you'd break up and you'd hurt her still - just giving you the most basic example.

Oh, I meant doing something intentional to her.

 

Yeah the other ways to hurt her never occurred to me.

[verhrzn]

That would be an issue of hers that is completely independent of me. It would apply to any guy like me.

 

It would potentially apply... but my history demonstrated I'm willing to give desperation guys chances over and over again. However, layer on top of that are your constant comments about settling for girls ("so long as they're not overweight," guess what, I AM) and practice girlfriends, and it's a pretty much guaranteed outcome.

 

Girls with troubled self-esteem should stay far away from desperate guys, even if the two types seem like a match made in heaven.

[KathyM]

That's why I was pretty much shocked when she said she was considering it.

 

It didn't make any sense to me and I wanted to know how he pulled it off.

I was shocked too, because she complains so much about men using her until someone better comes along, and then she's seriously considering when this new guy offers her just that. Makes no sense. I'm glad she turned the guy down, rather than getting into another pseudo relationship when the same thing will repeat itself.

[Els]

Eh, V, if you don't want to date SD, don't date him. I think the main problem some of us have with this is that you constantly say that no guy ever wants to date you. Which was initially your justification for potentially accepting the FWB arrangement with this guy. That's as big of a misrepresentation as SD saying that 'his only requirement for a woman is that she isn't obese'.

[verhrzn]

Eh, V, if you don't want to date SD, don't date him. I think the main problem some of us have with this is that you constantly say that no guy ever wants to date you. Which was initially your justification for potentially accepting the FWB arrangement with this guy. That's as big of a misrepresentation as SD saying that 'his only requirement for a woman is that she isn't obese'.

 

... But no man does want to date me. I don't see the misrepresentation. Unless dating me out of desperation counts? Like, I'm sure some hobo would date me if I paid for his meals. I've always said "no man wants to date me" to mean "no guy wants a relationship with me because he enjoys who I am."

 

In the last two years, aside from this FWB, I've run into two guys who made noises about dating me. I think I actually created a thread about one... my friends wanted to set me up with him because his attitude was essentially," Eh I'm not really into her but I'll give her a shot." Ah, here it is: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/304851-guy-liking-your-personality-really-good-thing

 

I guess I don't count that. What is your thought process behind why I should feel better that guys are willing to date me out of desperation?

[somedude81]

It would potentially apply... but my history demonstrated I'm willing to give desperation guys chances over and over again.

That would be the same thing as me saying that every girl I liked and asked out has rejected me and so I should never ask out a girl again.

However, layer on top of that are your constant comments about settling for girls ("so long as they're not overweight," guess what, I AM) and practice girlfriends, and it's a pretty much guaranteed outcome.

I have never thought about you as overweight. I don't care about BMI and other junk like that. All that matters is what I see with my eyes.

 

As for the whole practice GF, you need to go reread my posts where I talk about it.

 

Girls with troubled self-esteem should stay far away from desperate guys, even if the two types seem like a match made in heaven.

I really can't see why. I figure both would gain, win/win. But I don't have any experience in this area.

I guess I don't count that. What is your thought process behind why I should feel better that guys are willing to date me out of desperation?

The saddest thing about you, is that you only think a guy would date you because he's desperate. And then you warp that thought and start thinking that any guy who wants to date you is desperate.

 

“I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member” - Groucho Marx