verhrzn Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 We've discussed FWBs on this board before. The general consensus seems to be that FWBs are always a bad idea, because 1) they rarely lead to relationships 2) they prevent you from having relationships 3) it's difficult to separate out friendship, sex, and love. I've been single for about 2 years now. I've been on OKCupid that entire time, and Match for about 6 months. I've sent over two dozens emails in both sites, and guys either didn't respond, or just messages me perpetually (never wanted to meet, never called me when I offered my phone number, etc.) Guys never message me first. I've also tried single meet-ups, albeit a lot less, and they've been a big goose egg. Which brings me to an acquaintance of a mutual friend. I've known him vaguely for a couple of months, and he has a reputation among his friends as being kind of a player. (He is 29 years old and has only had 1 long term relationship.) Well, his well of hook-ups has recently run dry... I am apparently the only single girl he knows locally, and he's approached me about being in a No Strings Attached arrangement. He emphasized that he is not looking for a relationship, and that this would be a temporary arrangement until he can find someone he "clicks with" better. (AKA, is better looking. He's told mutual friends he might be interested in me if I was hotter, and more "fun.") I'm torn about this. He's not a bad looking guy (cute, not "hot," a little bit of pudge), so an NSA might not be bad. What I really want is a relationship... but it also looks like Friends-With-Benefits is going to be the very closest I can get. If you can't get a relationship, is an FWB an acceptable alternative? Do you accept an FWB, even when it's given out in desperation?
KathyM Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Well, I don't think it's a good idea to give yourself over to some guy who has such a low opinion of you that he's just going to use you until something better comes along, and he makes no bones about that being his intention. Better to be with no man than with a guy like that IMO. 6
somedude81 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Are you kidding? Why would you ever think that's a good idea? BTW, hunny, you don't know anything about desperation.
Author verhrzn Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 Are you kidding? Why would you ever think that's a good idea? BTW, hunny, you don't know anything about desperation. I've sent more messages online to guys and started conversations with more guys in the last 2 years than you have your entire life. If you put half as much effort in as me and risked the rejection like I did, you'd have a girlfriend. Period. I didn't say it was a good idea... I just asked if it was better than being alone forever. If my choices are friends-with-benefits, or being alone, then what are the pros and cons of each situation? 6
Els Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I don't think the question is so much 'Would you be willing to do a FWB', as 'Do you really think this will make you feel better?' I think plenty of people have fun in FWB arrangements. If this guy were a nicer person, and made you feel good about yourself, I might encourage you. But if he genuinely said what he did (and your friends or you aren't paraphrasing it), what makes you think this will make you feel any better? It'll just reinforce the unfortunate trend you've been lamenting about all your life - men being shallow and keeping you only until a 'hotter' girl shows up. 3
zengirl Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I think a situation like what you described would be unhealthy for your self-esteem in the long run, which would only make things worse. I don't think all FWBs are usually bad or wrong, but entering into them for the wrong reason (i.e. you really want a relationship) and in such a mechanical way sounds like it would not be a good idea with someone who doesn't already have extremely strong self-esteem. 6
Author verhrzn Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 Didn't you mention a while ago that you already had an FWB? I can remember a some fuss about you being in an FWB while dating other guys at the same time. Which is behavior I by the way don't agree with, since you said your dates knew nothing about the fact that you were doing that. Yeah I had an FWB maybe a year ago, and I stopped it for that reason, even though I wasn't going on dates (there was just the possibility of dates.) But now it's a year later, I'm still very alone, and it's looking like this is what I'm gonna get. So I'm trying to decide if it's be better to have something with risk to my self-esteem, than nothing with no risk.
Negative Nancy Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 What I really want is a relationship... but it also looks like Friends-With-Benefits is going to be the very closest I can get. If you can't get a relationship, is an FWB an acceptable alternative? Do you accept an FWB, even when it's given out in desperation? If what you really want is a relationship, I strongly advise against a FWB type of thing. It will only leave your more empty, more depressed because you're not getting what you really want (a real relationship). Don't do it, in the end you will feel worse than now. 2
somedude81 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I've sent more messages online to guys and started conversations with more guys in the last 2 years than you have your entire life. If you put half as much effort in as me and risked the rejection like I did, you'd have a girlfriend. Period. I might address that later. I didn't say it was a good idea... I just asked if it was better than being alone forever. If my choices are friends-with-benefits, or being alone, then what are the pros and cons of each situation? From what I understand about women, a FWB is basically the equivalent of a man going to a hooker every time he wants sex. She sets the rules, there is zero intimacy, she's only doing it for one thing, and wants you gone ASAP. Sure the sex need gets met (barely) but it's not emotionally fulfilling at all. As a woman, that feeling would most likely be magnified. Also I'm curious, what are the pros to having a FWB?
Author verhrzn Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 From what I understand about women, a FWB is basically the equivalent of a man going to a hooker every time he wants sex. She sets the rules, there is zero intimacy, she's only doing it for one thing, and wants you gone ASAP. Sure the sex need gets met (barely) but it's not emotionally fulfilling at all. As a woman, that feeling would most likely be magnified. Also I'm curious, what are the pros to having a FWB? I get those basic needs met. I have somewhere to go on Friday night when all my friends are out with their significant others. I get SOME attention.
Professor X Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 We've discussed FWBs on this board before. The general consensus seems to be that FWBs are always a bad idea, because 1) they rarely lead to relationships 2) they prevent you from having relationships 3) it's difficult to separate out friendship, sex, and love. FWB aren't always bad, I don't know where your farted it out from, but the general consensus here was and always will be that's FWB is bad only IF you enter them for the wrong reasons (which are basically everything other than you being horny). And since you aren't wanting to go into this FWB cause you're horny, but rather, cause you believe it's a bad idea, therefor I have to say that this is the worst idea in the sad, long history of bad ideas. 2
Author verhrzn Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 Not to bust your bubble, but personally I don't consider women that are involved in an FWB as single. Personally I only consider dating women who are single, i.e. really single. Fine, I've been "single" in your definition for a year and a half. Better? *Sigh* Guess the consensus is it's back to being completely alone again. Can't have relationships, can't have FWBs. I was just sad that I'm looking to go my entire life without ever having any romantic contact again.
january2011 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I'm torn about this. He's not a bad looking guy (cute, not "hot," a little bit of pudge), so an NSA might not be bad. What I really want is a relationship... but it also looks like Friends-With-Benefits is going to be the very closest I can get. If you can't get a relationship, is an FWB an acceptable alternative? Do you accept an FWB, even when it's given out in desperation? (my bold) If what you really want is a relationship then an FWB is going to come up short. If part of you even hopes that you will change his mind and it will turn into a relationship then the chances of disappointment and hurt feelings are high, in my opinion. The only way that it's a viable alternative is if you are getting something out of the FWB arrangement that meets most of your needs of a full-blown relationship.
Author verhrzn Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 (my bold) If what you really want is a relationship then an FWB is going to come up short. If part of you even hopes that you will change his mind and it will turn into a relationship then the chances of disappointment and hurt feelings are high, in my opinion. The only way that it's a viable alternative is if you are getting something out of the FWB arrangement that meets most of your needs of a full-blown relationship. I know I'll never change his mind. The thinking was more," Well I'm not gonna get a relationship, so might as well take what I can get."
Els Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I'm not sure why you think you 'can't' have an FWB. Don't you think that's playing the victim card a bit far? Nobody here can stop you, you know. It's your life. 'Can't' is really just the wrong word to use when you asked for advice on a forum and received it.
Author verhrzn Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 I'm not sure why you think you 'can't' have an FWB. Don't you think that's playing the victim card a bit far? Nobody here can stop you, you know. It's your life. 'Can't' is really just the wrong word to use when you asked for advice on a forum and received it. You're right. I meant "can't" in more reference to myself ("Can't let myself do this") but I suppose a better word would be "shouldn't." I "shouldn't" have an FWB. Tis hard to not play the victim card when you are a victim. (I am a victim of myself, with some splashes of society thrown in.) But that's just me feeling very down and bitter today. I made a fool of myself in front of a cute guy from another department I've had a crush on for ages, and it's just increased my feelings of angst.
Feelsgoodman Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I've been single for about 2 years now. I've been on OKCupid that entire time, and Match for about 6 months. I've sent over two dozens emails in both sites, and guys either didn't respond, or just messages me perpetually (never wanted to meet, never called me when I offered my phone number, etc.) Guys never message me first. I've also tried single meet-ups, albeit a lot less, and they've been a big goose egg. Two dozen messages over the span of two years?? That's like one message a month. No wonder you are having no success! Online dating is a numbers game.
Imajerk17 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Maybe you ought to write guys who are older than you, those who are "ready" to get married. These men will take you because it's "the right time" for them and that's how men work. I was recently informed that this is how we men work by two female posters on this forum, who are able to get inside the heads of the guys who married their friends.
Author verhrzn Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 You seem to be very non-chalant about it, but FWB's aren't some free for all gray area, they're a type of relationship. People are involved, feelings can be involved and sex is certainly involved. Besides, didn't you say back then you had feelings for your FWB and that you were hoping for more than just sex? Yep, cause I was an idiot, but having feelings for a non-starter doesn't stop you from having feelings for someone else. You can have relationships and you can have FWB's, as long as you properly separate them and have them for the right reasons. I should specify... I can't get a relationship, and I can get FWBs but shouldn't.
january2011 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I know I'll never change his mind. The thinking was more," Well I'm not gonna get a relationship, so might as well take what I can get." What will you get? And will it satisfy any of your most important relationship needs? If it does not satisfy what counts then it's not a viable alternative.
MrNate 2.0 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Let's keep things simple. Just bang the man if you feel that's all you can get. Hell, some hurt feelings might be what it takes for you to finally realize that you can get what you deserve if you put forth the effort.
Author verhrzn Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 What happened? Oh we're having a Kinect tournament at work. While my team was waiting our turn, I made some really boneheaded comment in front of the guy about how the purpose of soccer is to block the ball with your body. I also babbled moronically a little, can't recall what specifically, and then at my turn in front of the camera looked like a clumsy moron.
Els Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 You're right. I meant "can't" in more reference to myself ("Can't let myself do this") but I suppose a better word would be "shouldn't." I "shouldn't" have an FWB. Tis hard to not play the victim card when you are a victim. (I am a victim of myself, with some splashes of society thrown in.) But that's just me feeling very down and bitter today. I made a fool of myself in front of a cute guy from another department I've had a crush on for ages, and it's just increased my feelings of angst. I'm sorry to hear that. It certainly isn't easy when things aren't going well for you, but IMO it really pays off to not make decisions that you'll regret, even in those times.
Author verhrzn Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 Let's keep things simple. Just bang the man if you feel that's all you can get. Hell, some hurt feelings might be what it takes for you to finally realize that you can get what you deserve if you put forth the effort. Put in the effort?? What the heck else can I do? I already message guys and approach guys, wear make-up, work out regularly... But I guess banging him out of sheer desperation isn't that bad of a thing to do, in the grand scheme of things. What's the worst that could happen? He dumps me for someone hotter, and I'm alone again. So I'll just end up right back where I started, but with maybe some nice human contact in the middle. 1
MrNate 2.0 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Put in the effort?? What the heck else can I do? I already message guys and approach guys, wear make-up, work out regularly... But I guess banging him out of sheer desperation isn't that bad of a thing to do, in the grand scheme of things. What's the worst that could happen? He dumps me for someone hotter, and I'm alone again. So I'll just end up right back where I started, but with maybe some nice human contact in the middle. Now that I think about it, you actually seem quite content with it. Well if that's what you feel like you deserve, then don't mind me. Carry on, soldier.
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