kaylan Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 And let me add to my last post I think the myth that guys only have a right time, is perpetuated by women who dated guys who didnt want them. They misinterpret the situation. Many a time, a guy will not want you because you arent the right woman, not because it isnt the right time. Guys also will soften the blow and lie by telling you they want to be single and its not the right time, when in reality it really is you but they dont wanna come off harsh. Of course being told youre not right for someone hurts. 2
january2011 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I think that is sort of the point. SG and January didn't say that the 'right time' was a maximum age-related value (ie before 40), but I believe they meant it was a minimum value (ie he isn't ready to marry until certain career goals are fulfilled, etc). Yup, age is one factor because we can't ignore that some societies emphasise certain age milestones. As I mentioned earlier, the only common thread I've found is that the timing is either right or not. And in the bucket of 'timing' could be placed age, finances, career, location, family, peer group, etc. I've known guys who have let "the one" go because of what they referred to as bad timing. It's unfortunate, but sometimes people can't make things work no matter how much of good match it seems to be, because circumstances just conspire against them. So, we are back to the perfect storm.
kaylan Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I don't agree with this at all. It's definitely not true for me. How the hell did that lousy truism stay on so long? We want to find the right person for us, just as you do for you. If we are dating someone whom we are really into, we want to lock her down. If we are not, then we say things like "I'm not ready to settle down" to save the woman's feelings and to feel less guilty. Maybe that is how women got this idea? Exactly. Ive lied to girls in the past and said I wasnt ready for a relationship, when in reality I just didnt want to date her. The one time I was honest with a girl and told her why I didnt see myself with her, she stopped talking to me. This girl was someone who tried to hook up with me when she had a bf...and i declined...and then when she was single, she asked why Im always single and why we never got together. I told her I could never trust her after her behavior while she was in a relationship. So ill never be honest about why I wont date a girl again. The female ego doesnt seem to be able to take any rejection well in my experience...whether its sexual or relationship wise or any way else, they always seem to want to go into ignore mode after.
Els Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I feel you're pretty close to being right. It's true in my case, HOWEVER, for me it's not about the right TIME, but the right PHASE in my life. The way I see it is that I need to be able to properly focus on love. If I feel I can't do that yet, due to being focused on other things, then I KNOW that I don't have a proper focus and that the relationship might suffer from that. And because I KNOW that, that means I have PRIOR KNOWLEDGE. I.e. prior knowledge that the relationship could fail, due to me being in a wrong phase of my life. That would make ME responsible for the failure. That would make ME responsible for leading her on. Hence I finish first what I need to finish. And yes, a woman that waits for a guy will get noticed, because not many women do. You're wrong about one thing. At least in my case it's wrong. I too look for the right woman. This differs per man and woman though. For example I've know LOTS of women that didn't wait for the right guy and jumped into whatever cluster f*ck of a relationship they could get into. This is a fairly common theme amongst how some guys think, I feel. I think both men and women have made the mistake of marrying a person just to 'have someone', but a key difference is that women tend to feel the urge or readiness to marry earlier. I don't think anyone said that men ONLY look for the right time.
kaylan Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Also, I think either SG and january are blind to reality or they dont live close to a heavily populated metropolis. In NY I see LOADS of women forgoing men because its not the right time to settle down. These girls want to let loose and party. For everything they said men do, Ive seen plenty of women do. Its all individual and depends on the person, not their gender. I believe settling down is a combination of meeting the right person at a good time in youre life. However, a lot of the time, the right person can settle a man or woman down despite the time it is.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 But that's the part I disagree with. I don't think a man reaches a certain age and says to himself "I'm ready to marry. Now i just need to find a compatible mate" if i feel a girl is the one, i dont care where i'm at in my professional career, i'm locking her down for fear of losing her. why would you let "the one" go because it's not the right time? how many "the ones" do you think you run into in life? both sexes want to lock the one down once they find them. not let them go and wait until the time is right and try to find another But that's locking her down to be an SO, not locking her down for marriage marriage. What S_G has been implying so far is that even though are capable of seeking LTRs, they might not necessarily be ready for marriage, hence the " sorry I'm not at the right place to settle down right now" speech.
Star Gazer Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I think that is sort of the point. SG and January didn't say that the 'right time' was a maximum age-related value (ie before 40), but I believe they meant it was a minimum value (ie he isn't ready to marry until certain career goals are fulfilled, etc). Correct. My experience echoes Star Gazer's. That is, men=right time and women=right man. It might seem like a sweeping generalisation and therefore overly simplistic for those men/women who feel that they do not fit this model. I've always thought of relationships as perfect storms. The odds of both parties being ready to marry at the exactly the same time must be quite high. And yet somehow, people all over the world still manage to do it. It's a mystery. Yes. I don't think she meant the first girl they meet once they enter the "ready" stage, rather the first RIGHT girl they meet once they are ready. Or at the very least, since she quoted me, that's what I meant. When I'm ready, than I'll date to find my future miss X - which in all likelyhood won't be the first I'll date once I will want to settle. Correct. I feel you're pretty close to being right. It's true in my case, HOWEVER, for me it's not about the right TIME, but the right PHASE in my life. Yes, that's what I meant by time. Phase of life/right time in life to marry. You're wrong about one thing. I too look for the right woman. I can't be wrong about that because I never said that men don't look for the right woman. I merely said they will not marry until its the right time/phase of life, whereas women typically don't need to reach a particular phase of life before marrying. Women only want the right guy. Men need the right woman AND the right time. 1
kaylan Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 SG, just as many women are waiting for the right phase of life as well. So part of your statement is wrong. Like I said, you may think its more typical of men to do this, but plenty of men and women will tell you they see many, many women passing up guys because they arent ready to settle down. Ive read enough stories and heard men AND women lament over letting the right one go. Ive heard it more from women actually, and some of those women end up settling for a guy whos simply good enough...which is what you are accusing men of doing more. Theres no real way to measure who does what more....at the end of the day its all individual. Some women and some men wait for the right time, while some other wait for the right person. Also, some men and women need both the right person and the right phase. I dont get why you are speaking in absolutes here when you have no way of quantifying all of this. I think some women have this thing all wrong about guys because youve been lied to about it "not being the right time" for guys. As I and another poster have already said, thats just an easy way to let a girl down. Most of the time shes just not the right girl and the guy wants to bail and find someone else. 2
Woggle Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Men tend to want to marry when they find the right one as well. I have known a number of confirmed players who completely changed their stance when they met the right woman. I swore up and down I would never get married again yet I am happily married right now. The right woman can make all the difference in how a man views marriage. 2
kaylan Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 But that's locking her down to be an SO, not locking her down for marriage marriage. What S_G has been implying so far is that even though are capable of seeking LTRs, they might not necessarily be ready for marriage, hence the " sorry I'm not at the right place to settle down right now" speech. Its a lie a lot of the time. The girl was never the right woman and the guy knew it. Women do this too. People will settle into a "good enough" relationship until the right person trots along...if they trot along at all. Also, for me, the only way I am dating a chick long term is if I get the inkling that she could possibly be my wife one day. I take relationships seriously, and I wont jump into one unless a chick gives me some sort of "it" feeling.
january2011 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Also, I think either SG and january are blind to reality or they dont live close to a heavily populated metropolis. In NY I see LOADS of women forgoing men because its not the right time to settle down. These girls want to let loose and party. Wow, that's cheeky. But it's your opinion. Though I disagree with it and suggest that our realities do not match and therefore it is probably more correct to say that I am blind to your reality rather than my own. You're wrong on the second point. You'll just have to trust me on that one.
kaylan Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 (edited) Wow, that's cheeky. But it's your opinion. Though I disagree with it and suggest that our realities do not match and therefore it is probably more correct to say that I am blind to your reality rather than my own. You're wrong on the second point. You'll just have to trust me on that one. And how is my second point wrong? There are plenty of men and women who just want to party and arent ready to settle down yet...anyone can see this and tell you this At the end of the day theres no way to quantify this. So like I said before, its ALL individual. Some men and some women have a right and wrong time, others just need a right person. And some people will settle until the right person comes along. Theres no way to quantify all this and determine if men or women do any of these things more. All we can be certain is that many men and women do all of these things. End of story. Edited March 27, 2012 by kaylan
wildgeese Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 These generalization are just that - generalizations. Each man and each woman has different expectations, timelines, goals, etc., for their personal relationships. Those different ideas could be based on how they were raised, the experiences they've had, the region they live in, how the world is telling them to behave, and their own personal values. I'd say that more than anything, people of younger generations are being told to hold off on marriage. But back to the original question: What made me "settle" down with my beau (I was single by choice for the majority of my early 20s until I met him) is something that I'll never be able to describe accurately. Yes, he's one of the funniest people I've ever met, he's kind, he's adorable, he's supportive - but that could have easily described many of the men that I had previously dated or that I could be dating instead of him. The fact of the matter is that we click on a different and unique level, and I honestly couldn't tell you why it's undeniably him and not someone else. It's something that people in my field of work (psychology) would love to answer, but we can't. It's a bunch of hormones and neurons firing in all of the right ways with that particular person. And thank heaven for that. 2
january2011 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 And how is my second point wrong? Your assumption about my location is wrong.
Star Gazer Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Men tend to want to marry when they find the right one as well. Sigh. As has been repeated several times in this thread, I neve said men don't want to find the right one.
kaylan Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 (edited) Your assumption about my location is wrong. I made two assumptions seperated by an "or"...that is one or the other was correct. Based on your location Im inclined to believe you dont recognize reality then...which was my assumption opposite the location assertion. As I said, the reality is that we cannot quantify all this and many men and women will settle down at the right time, or wait for the right person, or both. Because many men and women have different ways of going about all this, theres no way to tell which gender does what more often than the other. Its anecdotal evidence vs anecdotal evidence thru the lens of own own gender biases. Edited March 27, 2012 by kaylan
make me believe Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I suspect that men will be with a woman for a long time without commitment, even if she isn't "the one". What makes a man want to commit and marry, on the other hand, will be feeling that this is "the one". She will be different from other women he dated, and possibly had relationships with, but did not marry. And I think men are less likely than women to want to marry due to it being the right time. Agreed! I hate the idea that guys marry the next compatible woman after he "decides" it's now "the right time" to get married. It totally cheapens what men actually feel and go through when they meet the woman they want to marry. My H did not marry me because I happened to wander into his life after he had some kind of epiphany and decided it was time for him to get married. He did not consider marrying any of his ex-gfs not because it wasn't his magic time, but because they weren't the right girls for him. Sure, there are guys out there who have a list of x,y,z things they want to accomplish before they get married. But I don't think many guys would let their dream girl wait around for years & years while he accomplishes those things. If the right girl came around, I bet he'd suddenly find it was the righ time for him.. And on your last point - there are definitely way more women out there who want to get married because they think it's the right time and what they 'should' be doing at a certain point in their life. WAY more than men. I think the myth that guys only have a right time, is perpetuated by women who dated guys who didnt want them. They misinterpret the situation. Many a time, a guy will not want you because you arent the right woman, not because it isnt the right time. Guys also will soften the blow and lie by telling you they want to be single and its not the right time, when in reality it really is you but they dont wanna come off harsh. Of course being told youre not right for someone hurts. OMG, agree so much! This is a super common way that women comfort themselves when their ex goes on to marry while she is still single. She convinces herself it just wasn't "his time" when they were together, and that the new girl got lucky by coming around at the right time. No. If he wants to marry you, HE WILL MARRY YOU. He will not break up with a woman he wants to spend his life with because it's not the exact time in his life that he pictured getting married. 1
Star Gazer Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Let me repeat myself for the fifth time: I NEVER said that guys ONLY need it to be the right time. I said WOMEN ONLY need it to be the right guy. Guys need it to be the right time AND the right woman.
Star Gazer Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I think the myth that guys only have a right time... That was never said in this thread.
Saxis Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Of course we need it to be the right time. We are generally the ones proposing... It'd be stupid to ask at the wrong time. 2
january2011 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 (edited) I made two assumptions seperated by an "or"...that is one or the other was correct. Based on your location Im inclined to believe you dont recognize reality then...which was my assumption opposite the location assertion. As I said, the reality is that we cannot quantify all this and many men and women will settle down at the right time, or wait for the right person, or both. I don't recognise your reality. I don't think you recognise mine either. You won't accept that you and I can have different realities. You will believe what you want to believe because for you, your perception and experience is your reality. To say that your reality is also mine is a big leap. If you can argue in this thread that it is not about gender differences but individual differences, I'm surprised that you are arguing against you and I having different realities. And I disagree that we can't quantify this. We can ask people. We can run statistics. We can look at probabilities. Although granted most of that is outside of the scope of this thread if your sampling frame for 'we' is Loveshack posters. Unfortunately, what we can't do, you and I, seemingly, is agree. We don't have to though. I don't think it makes much difference to the OP whether we do or not. She just wants opinions. And I've given mine. And you've given yours. I don't want to derail this thread and therefore am signing out of this thread. You (and anyone else) are welcome to PM me if you wish to continue this exchange but at this point in time, I don't think we're going to come to an agreement on this particular matter. Edited March 27, 2012 by january2011 3
Saxis Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Of course we need it to be the right time. We are generally the ones proposing... It'd be stupid to ask at the wrong time. I'm specifically addressing marriage as being "the right one" here of course, while the OP was just generally asking about SOs...
Star Gazer Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I think there has been a little confusion regarding that SG, because it seemed like you implied that. But you've cleared it up later on, so no biggie. Perhaps in my first post I didn't make it clear what alllllllllll the requirements were before a man would marry, but it was made palpably clear immediately thereafter by several posters who knew exactly what I meant, yet someone keeps arguing against a point that I never made even after it was clarified. So typical. (And I'm not referring to you, in case that wasn't clear. )
kaylan Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Let me repeat myself for the fifth time: I NEVER said that guys ONLY need it to be the right time. I said WOMEN ONLY need it to be the right guy. Guys need it to be the right time AND the right woman. Women dont only need it to be the right guy. Plenty of women out there need it to be the right time to. Why else have so many of us heard women talk about the one who got away? Ive heard girls lament over letting a guy go because they werent ready to not be single. So your generalizations are false. Some men and women need only the right time. Some need the right person, and some need both. This is an individual thing, NOT a gender thing. That was never said in this thread. Your first post made this assertion.This is how I've always understood men to operate: They will get serious/settle down when it's the right TIME for them. Whomever they happen to be dating at the time ends up being "the one." Compared to women, who will want to get serious/settle down once they find the right GUY for them, regardless of whether it's the right time. This is why I think there's often a disparity between when the male and female in a relationship are ready for a serious commitment. The gal is usually ready faster because she knows she wants HIM, whereas he might know he wants her but is concerned about whether it's the right TIME for him. Doesnt look to me that you were first saying guys need the right person. You were saying they needed someone good enough at the right time.
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