xpaperxcutx Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I'm curious to know what makes a guy want to be with someone long term. I know there arr guys out there who would rather date casually but occasionally they meet a girl who they really click with and they decide to pursue a relationship. Subjectively from your points of views what is it about the girl/guy that makes you aant to be exclusively with them? Besides physical attraction , is it personality and compatibility as well?
Professor X Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 As a guy I'd say it's less about you and more about me. What I mean is, my mind decides what it wants to go after, say LTR, than goes towards looking for a woman, as opposed to looking for a woman and than deciding what I want from her. So in your example, I would simply not date casually to begin with, I'd date to make it a RS (if possible), if we don't mesh, we don't mesh...
MrCastle Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I'm a 24 year old man who loves the single life and not only for the female aspect, but the freedom part as well. I do what I want. I don't have to compromise with anyone or take anyone's advice into consideration. I live my life. For me to settle down long term with one woman at this point, she's gonna have to bring out the big guns. Show me why it's better to stay loyal and committed to one person, and sacrifice and compromise with her, versus casual dating with multiple women and maintaining my freedom. I think there is an "it" factor i can't describe. Obviously she has to be my ideal match physically and personality wise. But there is also an it factor that puts her above the others. That's something you can't create or work on. You either have it or you don't
Star Gazer Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 As a guy I'd say it's less about you and more about me. What I mean is, my mind decides what it wants to go after, say LTR, than goes towards looking for a woman, as opposed to looking for a woman and than deciding what I want from her. So in your example, I would simply not date casually to begin with, I'd date to make it a RS (if possible), if we don't mesh, we don't mesh... This is how I've always understood men to operate: They will get serious/settle down when it's the right TIME for them. Whomever they happen to be dating at the time ends up being "the one." Compared to women, who will want to get serious/settle down once they find the right GUY for them, regardless of whether it's the right time. This is why I think there's often a disparity between when the male and female in a relationship are ready for a serious commitment. The gal is usually ready faster because she knows she wants HIM, whereas he might know he wants her but is concerned about whether it's the right TIME for him. 6
Imajerk17 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 This is how I've always understood men to operate: They will get serious/settle down when it's the right TIME for them. Whomever they happen to be dating at the time ends up being "the one." Compared to women, who will want to get serious/settle down once they find the right GUY for them, regardless of whether it's the right time. This is why I think there's often a disparity between when the male and female in a relationship are ready for a serious commitment. The gal is usually ready faster because she knows she wants HIM, whereas he might know he wants her but is concerned about whether it's the right TIME for him. I don't agree with this at all. It's definitely not true for me. How the hell did that lousy truism stay on so long? We want to find the right person for us, just as you do for you. If we are dating someone whom we are really into, we want to lock her down. If we are not, then we say things like "I'm not ready to settle down" to save the woman's feelings and to feel less guilty. Maybe that is how women got this idea? 2
MrCastle Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 This is how I've always understood men to operate: They will get serious/settle down when it's the right TIME for them. Whomever they happen to be dating at the time ends up being "the one." Compared to women, who will want to get serious/settle down once they find the right GUY for them, regardless of whether it's the right time. This is why I think there's often a disparity between when the male and female in a relationship are ready for a serious commitment. The gal is usually ready faster because she knows she wants HIM, whereas he might know he wants her but is concerned about whether it's the right TIME for him. Not true at all. Both sexes want the right one for them. Where did this belief originate? I know men and women differ on many things, but looking for the right mate isn't one of them 1
Star Gazer Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I don't agree with this at all. It's definitely not true for me. How the hell did that lousy truism stay on so long? We want to find the right person for us, just as you do for you. If we are dating someone whom we are really into, we want to lock her down. If we are not, then we say things like "I'm not ready to settle down" to save the woman's feelings and to feel less guilty. Maybe that is how women got this idea? It's been true of every relationship I've ever observed that has led to marriage. Couple meets and falls in love at 22. She knows he's the one. Is ready to marry him. He loves her and wants to be with her, but is not ready to marry yet. If she's able to hold on, when he IS ready, he will marry her. Couple meets and falls in love at 35. He has been ready to marry since he was around 30. He proposes within a year. There are studies that show the ages that men start feeling they are ready to marry relative to their education level. Men with HS diplomas start feeling ready around 21/22. Men with college degrees (assuming they graduated after 4 years at 22) start feeling ready around 26/27. Men with advanced/professional/graduate degrees start feeling ready around 30/31. And these men typically marry the first women they are compatible with once they reach that "ready" stage. 1
Star Gazer Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Not true at all. Both sexes want the right one for them. Where did this belief originate? I know men and women differ on many things, but looking for the right mate isn't one of them I didn't say he wouldn't marry the right person for him. Of course he does. Read the post above. He will marry the first woman he is COMPATIBLE with once he's in the "I'm ready" stage. My point is women don't typically need the "I'm ready" feeling. They only need the "HE is the one I want!" feeling. 1
MrCastle Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I didn't say he wouldn't marry the right person for him. Of course he does. Read the post above. He will marry the first woman he is COMPATIBLE with once he's in the "I'm ready" stage. My point is women don't typically need the "I'm ready" feeling. They only need the "HE is the one I want!" feeling. But that's the part I disagree with. I don't think a man reaches a certain age and says to himself "I'm ready to marry. Now i just need to find a compatible mate" if i feel a girl is the one, i dont care where i'm at in my professional career, i'm locking her down for fear of losing her. why would you let "the one" go because it's not the right time? how many "the ones" do you think you run into in life? both sexes want to lock the one down once they find them. not let them go and wait until the time is right and try to find another 1
Imajerk17 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 It's been true of every relationship I've ever observed that has led to marriage. Couple meets and falls in love at 22. She knows he's the one. Is ready to marry him. He loves her and wants to be with her, but is not ready to marry yet. If she's able to hold on, when he IS ready, he will marry her. Couple meets and falls in love at 35. He has been ready to marry since he was around 30. He proposes within a year. There are studies that show the ages that men start feeling they are ready to marry relative to their education level. Men with HS diplomas start feeling ready around 21/22. Men with college degrees (assuming they graduated after 4 years at 22) start feeling ready around 26/27. Men with advanced/professional/graduate degrees start feeling ready around 30/31. And these men typically marry the first women they are compatible with once they reach that "ready" stage. Well, you also could use your observations to argue that girls are Disney/rom-com zombies who have been planning their weddings since they were 6 and were just waiting for someone decent to come along so they could burrow themselves in the relationship. That is how they "know" he is the one.... Anyway, you need both, to have the right person AND to be ready to marry. This is true for women as well as men. Or at least, it ought to be true. I would have no problems digging up stories of women who married at 23 and who find themselves at 27 envious of all the fun their single friends are having. I have also heard that the divorce rate for couples that marry young is higher than those couples who married older (first-time marriages for both parties). Let me see if I can dig up some statistics. So NO, guys past a certain age are NOT going to settle down with the next girl they date, unless she is truly special. (Except for maybe the Lovable Losers on this forum that is.) They might be ready to be married, but it has to be to the right person. 1
Imajerk17 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 (edited) It's been true of every relationship I've ever observed that has led to marriage. Couple meets and falls in love at 22. She knows he's the one. Is ready to marry him. He loves her and wants to be with her, but is not ready to marry yet. If she's able to hold on, when he IS ready, he will marry her. Couple meets and falls in love at 35. He has been ready to marry since he was around 30. He proposes within a year. There are studies that show the ages that men start feeling they are ready to marry relative to their education level. Men with HS diplomas start feeling ready around 21/22. Men with college degrees (assuming they graduated after 4 years at 22) start feeling ready around 26/27. Men with advanced/professional/graduate degrees start feeling ready around 30/31. And these men typically marry the first women they are compatible with once they reach that "ready" stage. Duplicate post Edited March 27, 2012 by Imajerk17
Professor X Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 So NO, guys past a certain age are NOT going to settle down with the next girl they date, unless she is truly special. (Except for maybe the Lovable Losers on this forum that is.) They might be ready to be married, but it has to be to the right person. I don't think she meant the first girl they meet once they enter the "ready" stage, rather the first RIGHT girl they meet once they are ready. Or at the very least, since she quoted me, that's what I meant. When I'm ready, than I'll date to find my future miss X - which in all likelyhood won't be the first I'll date once I will want to settle. 1
january2011 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 My experience echoes Star Gazer's. That is, men=right time and women=right man. It might seem like a sweeping generalisation and therefore overly simplistic for those men/women who feel that they do not fit this model. I've always thought of relationships as perfect storms. The odds of both parties being ready to marry at the exactly the same time must be quite high. And yet somehow, people all over the world still manage to do it. It's a mystery. 3
Imajerk17 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I didn't say he wouldn't marry the right person for him. Of course he does. Read the post above. He will marry the first woman he is COMPATIBLE with once he's in the "I'm ready" stage. My point is women don't typically need the "I'm ready" feeling. They only need the "HE is the one I want!" feeling. It take a lot more than just "COMPATIBLE", ma'am to snag us down. We also need the "SHE is the one I want!" feeling. Maybe we guys don't put as much stock in The Chemistry Thing as you do, is what gave you women these kooky ideas? Mr Castle nailed it. 1
Imajerk17 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 My experience echoes Star Gazer's. That is, men=right time and women=right man. It might seem like a sweeping generalisation and therefore overly simplistic for those men/women who feel that they do not fit this model. I've always thought of relationships as perfect storms. The odds of both parties being ready to marry at the exactly the same time must be quite high. And yet somehow, people all over the world still manage to do it. It's a mystery. I am kind of chuckling how you and Star Gazer ascertained what was going on in the minds of the guys in your "experience" and Star Gazer's "observations", but whatever...
xxoo Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I suspect that men will be with a woman for a long time without commitment, even if she isn't "the one". What makes a man want to commit and marry, on the other hand, will be feeling that this is "the one". She will be different from other women he dated, and possibly had relationships with, but did not marry. And I think men are less likely than women to want to marry due to it being the right time. 2
january2011 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I am kind of chuckling how you and Star Gazer ascertained what was going on in the minds of the guys in your "experience" and Star Gazer's "observations", but whatever... This is how I and most of the people I know process our interactions with others, opposite sex or not. Experience based on observed behaviour = what's going on inside. Sure it's a flawed system but it's what we have because we're not mind readers. Of course, your experience and circle are different so it's not surprising that you're drawing different conclusions.
Imajerk17 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I suspect that men will be with a woman for a long time without commitment, even if she isn't "the one". What makes a man want to commit and marry, on the other hand, will be feeling that this is "the one". She will be different from other women he dated, and possibly had relationships with, but did not marry. And I think men are less likely than women to want to marry due to it being the right time. Yes. The idea that men would marry because of "the right time" makes no sense. What would be our rush? We have no ticking biological clocks. Our attractiveness, if we play our cards right, peaks in our 40's. We still have youthful vitality, but we have also gained experience, wisdom, and we are on solid financial footing. 1
kaylan Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I know I want a girl to be my special lady when I have little doubt about her in my mind....when theres no fear in my heart...and when my guts telling me to go for broke and make her mine. Also, if she can make me forget about all the other single women out there, then thats another way I know. Also, we all have our own insecurities, and a girl who doesnt flair those up is another sign of a keeper. You just know when you know....its only happened to me twice in my life.
garycoleman Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 1. Not fat 2. doesn't play mind games 3. caring 4. has a nice butt the girl I'm dating right now has all of these qualities and it's great
kaylan Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 And yes, personality and being compatible personality wise, is the most important to me when deciding if I want a girl to be my gal. Thats my biggest make or break. It sucks that its super hard to find that compatible personality as well as someone you are attracted to physically and someone who share some of your ideals
Els Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Yes. The idea that men would marry because of "the right time" makes no sense. What would be our rush? We have no ticking biological clocks. I think that is sort of the point. SG and January didn't say that the 'right time' was a maximum age-related value (ie before 40), but I believe they meant it was a minimum value (ie he isn't ready to marry until certain career goals are fulfilled, etc). 1
Imajerk17 Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 (edited) I think that is sort of the point. SG and January didn't say that the 'right time' was a maximum age-related value (ie before 40), but I believe they meant it was a minimum value (ie he isn't ready to marry until certain career goals are fulfilled, etc). And I am here to tell you that 'the right time' is essentially when we meet the right PERSON. NOT when we get that corner office or publish our first book. It's when we meet someone we can't live without. The sooner you ladies get that concept, the better off you will be dating. Edited March 27, 2012 by Imajerk17 1
kaylan Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 This is how I've always understood men to operate: They will get serious/settle down when it's the right TIME for them. Whomever they happen to be dating at the time ends up being "the one." Compared to women, who will want to get serious/settle down once they find the right GUY for them, regardless of whether it's the right time. This is why I think there's often a disparity between when the male and female in a relationship are ready for a serious commitment. The gal is usually ready faster because she knows she wants HIM, whereas he might know he wants her but is concerned about whether it's the right TIME for him. I dont agree with this. Its all individual. These forums show us plenty of guys want the one. And that many women have fun until its time to settle down. So it depends. Some men and women arent ready until its the right time, and some men and women are waiting for the right person to show up. Also, some people go in and out of both phases. For the longest I was waiting for the one, but I got tired of waiting around, so I decided to enjoy my single life and made a decision that I wasnt really looking for an LTR. 1
Els Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 And I am here to tell you that 'the right time' is essentially when we meet the right PERSON. NOT when we get that corner office or publish our first book. It's when we meet someone we can't live without. The sooner you ladies get that concept, the better off you will be dating. Just as I think SG and January cannot speak for all men (if you recall, I did not say I agreed with their generalization, just that I think you're misinterpreting what they said), so also do I think YOU cannot speak for all men. Every man is different. 1
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