ditzchic Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 To start off... I am far from jealous or insecure. I am asking this question as an assessment of this guy's maturity vs. me being worried about other girls in the picture. I've been hanging out with this guy and we seem to get along really well. There's a click there, we have a really similar sense of humor and have a great time together. Nothing sexual has happened yet but we are definitely attracted to each other physically. This guy has a lot of female friends. He said 3 out of his 5 best friends are female and most of his more casual friends are girls. Which I am perfectly fine with. But the way he talks about these friends kind of bugs me a little bit. He's admitted to having a crush on one of them. She is married and he said he would never make a move on her. But he actually volunteered the information about his crush on her the very night I met him. I tried to change the subject but he kept going on about it. I eventually walked away from him and did something else assuming he wasn't interested in me cuz who does that? But I guess he wised up after that point because he came back with new and more interesting topics. One of his other friends who he has known since HS he constantly refers to as "his hot friend." They are close and hang out often. I'm sure nothing is going on there but what really gets me is he calls her this to most of his guy friends that he hangs out with too. To me that just seems so disrespectful to her. He's constantly making comments about other girls and their "assets". And like I said, I'm not jealous. He can make all the comments he wants as long as he's on my arm and leaving with me. But what bothers me is that he does make all these comments! It's like he objectifies women and that is what bothers me the most. I mean he's 29. He should probably be a bit past that stage in his life. Or at least mature enough to know when that kind of talk is appropriate and when it isn't, amiright? Am I reading too much into this and being stuffy? Or does he really seem like the immature, possibly creepy, schlub that I'm starting to see him as now?
zengirl Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 This guy has a lot of female friends. He said 3 out of his 5 best friends are female and most of his more casual friends are girls. Which I am perfectly fine with. Yes, this is fine. But the way he talks about these friends kind of bugs me a little bit. He's admitted to having a crush on one of them. She is married and he said he would never make a move on her. But he actually volunteered the information about his crush on her the very night I met him. I tried to change the subject but he kept going on about it. I eventually walked away from him and did something else assuming he wasn't interested in me cuz who does that? But I guess he wised up after that point because he came back with new and more interesting topics. One of his other friends who he has known since HS he constantly refers to as "his hot friend." They are close and hang out often. I'm sure nothing is going on there but what really gets me is he calls her this to most of his guy friends that he hangs out with too. To me that just seems so disrespectful to her. This is immature and socially unaware. I would not date such a man -- not because of fears about cheating, as you say, but because it displays an immature attitude. He's constantly making comments about other girls and their "assets". And like I said, I'm not jealous. He can make all the comments he wants as long as he's on my arm and leaving with me. But what bothers me is that he does make all these comments! It's like he objectifies women and that is what bothers me the most. I mean he's 29. He should probably be a bit past that stage in his life. Or at least mature enough to know when that kind of talk is appropriate and when it isn't, amiright? Yes, you're right. Certainly not all men engage in that kind of objectification aloud at the very least -- certainly not at that age or when they're with a girl they're interested in. Am I reading too much into this and being stuffy? Or does he really seem like the immature, possibly creepy, schlub that I'm starting to see him as now? I'm not sure I see creepy, but I see immature schlub for sure. You're not being stuffy.
veggirl Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Yes these are red flags. I would not pursue him further if I was you. How tactless, speaking that way about other girls to you, the girl he should be trying to impress? I would be so turned off, I would tell him I'm not interested and exactly why. 1
Eddie Edirol Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Sucks when you been here long enough to know, but when you get in the situation yourself, youre still cloudy eh? You know that answer. Its not right, and he is immature. And I'd tell you if you were being stuffy. Bottom line is, it bugs you, and you already know you dont want to live with it. It raises a big red flag with me as well, but only because I dont do that, and I surely wouldnt insist on doing it in front of a woman I was interested in. You walked away the first time, I suggest you walk away permanently, unless you want him as a booty call.
Star Gazer Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 You're not being stuffy. A guy I'm dating referring to one of his friends as "the hot friend" rather than by her name would be enough for me. The comments about every other woman's assets makes it even worse. Think about what kind of person you would have to be to refer to your male friend as your "hot friend" and talk about other guys' assets. Eww. No.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I think the reason he's doin g it is to make himself look more desireable, and to make you feel inferior, which is supposed to make you want him more. Its a tactic for women who have issues.
KathyM Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Those are definate red flags. He's immature and needing validation from women other than the one he's with, and for him to be making those comments about other women to you shows insensitivity and insecurity. And he has a crush on a married woman? This guy is not bf material.
Star Gazer Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I think the reason he's doin g it is to make himself look more desireable, and to make you feel inferior, which is supposed to make you want him more. Its a tactic for women who have issues. I can't fathom how he'd think commenting about other women would make him look desirable. He's not talking about how all these women want him, he's basically insinuating how he wants all these women!
Author ditzchic Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 You're not being stuffy. A guy I'm dating referring to one of his friends as "the hot friend" rather than by her name would be enough for me. The comments about every other woman's assets makes it even worse. Think about what kind of person you would have to be to refer to your male friend as your "hot friend" and talk about other guys' assets. Eww. No. That's my line of thinking exactly. I have some really good looking guy friends, one comes to the forefront of my mind , but I've never referred to him in a general social situation or to a guy I'm interested in as "my hot friend". Some of my closest girl friends know that I think he is just the hottest thing ever but I still refer to him by his name and only defer to talking about his assets when it's just us girls in completely private conversation that I know isn't leaving the room. Ever. Sure it's not completely mature that I have a crush on a friend (more of an acquaintance than close friend). But you're allowed to be immature in the exclusive company of your most trusted friends, imho.
MrCastle Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Eddie you nailed it bro. It's a common and very effective tactic used on women, particularly with self esteem issues. I can't fathom how he'd think commenting about other women would make him look desirable. He's not talking about how all these women want him, he's basically insinuating how he wants all these women! Because he's trying to convey the idea that he has options. That he can walk away at any moment because he has a good rapport with women and he wouldn't break a sweat getting a new one. It can also be a matter of him trying to knock her down a peg like, you're cool, but i know other chicks who are cool too--you're not special. it's called social proof. guys who are seen with attractive girls, attract more girls. i refuse to believe this guy is talking this way about other women without realizing what he's doing. i'd say he knows full well what he's doing.
KathyM Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Eddie you nailed it bro. It's a common and very effective tactic used on women, particularly with self esteem issues. Because he's trying to convey the idea that he has options. That he can walk away at any moment because he has a good rapport with women and he wouldn't break a sweat getting a new one. It can also be a matter of him trying to knock her down a peg like, you're cool, but i know other chicks who are cool too--you're not special. it's called social proof. guys who are seen with attractive girls, attract more girls. i refuse to believe this guy is talking this way about other women without realizing what he's doing. i'd say he knows full well what he's doing. Well, if he feels he has to use mind games and manipulation to get a woman to have an adequate attraction to him, I'd say he's insecure and manipulative. It's really kind of lame to act that way.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I can't fathom how he'd think commenting about other women would make him look desirable. He's not talking about how all these women want him, he's basically insinuating how he wants all these women! Eddie you nailed it bro. It's a common and very effective tactic used on women, particularly with self esteem issues. Because he's trying to convey the idea that he has options. That he can walk away at any moment because he has a good rapport with women and he wouldn't break a sweat getting a new one. It can also be a matter of him trying to knock her down a peg like, you're cool, but i know other chicks who are cool too--you're not special. it's called social proof. guys who are seen with attractive girls, attract more girls. i refuse to believe this guy is talking this way about other women without realizing what he's doing. i'd say he knows full well what he's doing. SG, young women who are I guess arent looking for more substance are really competitive. They want to one up strangers, and thats why this works with the ones with these issues. He's even smooth enough to make Ditzchic wonder if shes crazy or not for going back to him, after she already walked away. It works!
Author ditzchic Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 I can't fathom how he'd think commenting about other women would make him look desirable. He's not talking about how all these women want him, he's basically insinuating how he wants all these women! Yeah that's another thing! Every time he comments on another girl or his friend I can't help but want to roll my eyes and be like "What, you have such little experience with desirable women that you have no clue how to act around them? Never been that close to an attractive girl before?" I think it comes across as more pathetic and inexperienced than making him seem like some kind of playboy with a ton of options. But I guess I'm not the target demographic of the game he is apparently trying to play so I just wouldn't get it...
MrCastle Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Well, if he feels he has to use mind games and manipulation to get a woman to have an adequate attraction to him, I'd say he's insecure and manipulative. It's really kind of lame to act that way. Be that as it may. But it still works. When it stops being effective, guys will stop using it. I'm not saying it's right, but it does get results. The quality of women it works on is debatable, but it's effective nonetheless.
KathyM Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Be that as it may. But it still works. When it stops being effective, guys will stop using it. I'm not saying it's right, but it does get results. The quality of women it works on is debatable, but it's effective nonetheless. I guess he doesn't think he has enough going for him to keep her interest without all that game playing. Kind of lame, IMO.
MrCastle Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I guess he doesn't think he has enough going for him to keep her interest without all that game playing. Kind of lame, IMO. You'd be surprised though. I mean, i've been on PUA forums before, and the way these guys treat women, and the way women respond to their actions is nothing short of mind boggling. For every 1 girl that doesn't respond to these head games are another 10, just as hot, who do. It makes both sexes look bad. Yeah it can make the guy look desperate or insecure when he plays games, but what does it say about the women who fall for them?
KathyM Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 You'd be surprised though. I mean, i've been on PUA forums before, and the way these guys treat women, and the way women respond to their actions is nothing short of mind boggling. For every 1 girl that doesn't respond to these head games are another 10, just as hot, who do. It makes both sexes look bad. Yeah it can make the guy look desperate or insecure when he plays games, but what does it say about the women who fall for them? That they are insecure as well, and are therefore willing to put up with crappy behavior from a guy because he is "desired" by and "interested in" other women.
Feelin Frisky Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 .. ... does he really seem like the immature, possibly creepy, schlub that I'm starting to see him as now? In a word, yes. You're not his male wing man to disclose this kind of stuff to but he's treating you that way. I don't see how an adult man does that unless he has no interest in you but a platonic wing chick. It's insulting if he gives you the vibe that he's into you and then does that. He's not with it yet at all.
FitChick Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I think my reaction after each of his comments about a particular woman would be "So why aren't you dating her if you think she's so hot?"
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