Ex gf pics

March 27, 2012

I just discovered my bf of 4 years sent his friends (via text) some really raunchy pictures of his ex. He apparently sent them to several buddies right after they split up as well. He claims she screwed him over by cheating on him, and so this is how he justifies it. This particular gf was with him for 5 years so they were very serious - she was not a fling.

Aside from the above there is another issue: he supposedly voluntarily deleted these pictures when I saw them on his computer close to 4 years ago. He said it was not intentional, that he was trying to clean up his new computer after he transferred his files from his old one and he had clicked through a bunch of files, not certain what they were. Ok fine.. then he says he deleted.

So back to present day - multiple pictures were sent to a friend of his. He claims that one of the buddies who received them right after their breakup sent them back to him for whatever reason 1 year ago. He apologized and said it was a "sophomoric" thing to do and although he can understand me being upset, he really doesn't think it's that big of a deal. He says lots of guys are scumbags and pass pictures, nasty text and so forth around. He says he would never show my pictures - current girlfriends are OUT, that that's a line they don't cross.

I am really bothered about this and am trying to get my head around just how effed up it is. I am pissed that he violated her by sending out these pics that were meant for his eyes only. I am pissed that he STILL has them. I am upset that he had no consideration or respect for me BY STILL HAVING THEM after we have already a had an issue about these pics. I am worried about my own pics that he has. I think he is too carefree about us and values his friends more than he does our relationship. He is in his mid-30's but I think he has a lot of growing up to do.

What would you guys do in this situation?

March 27, 2012

I would be concerned too - he said that guys are scumbags and pass pics around - yeah, he's one of those scumbags.

You say that you're worried about pics he has of you - if you gave him similar pics to the ones the ex had given him, then that's a shame, because although he now says that he wont show the current gf's pics to his friends, it still doesn't mean that you're safe if/when you break up.

I'm sure that when he was dating the ex, he didn't think he'd be passing her pics to all his dumbass buddies, but he did.

Also, that crap about his friend sending the pics back - that sounds like bull****, unless he specifically asked his friend if he still had the pics and if he could send them back his way.

Your bf sounds like a very childish, vindictive, immature loser.

Maybe the lesson for you here, is think real hard before letting someone have compromising pics of you.

March 27, 2012

What would you guys do in this situation?

I would break up with him.

It shows his true character (or lack thereof) and is this the type of person you would want to build a future with? Couldn't he or wouldn't he do the same thing to you with the same justification?

March 27, 2012

You guys are both right. This behavior does show his character and I'm horrified he can be so loose with those pictures. She is at her most vulnerable and he is exploiting it, passing them around. Why now after 4 years? I feel awful. I don't know that I even believe his story about his friend sending them back.. maybe it happened but either way, he failed in his responsibility to our relationship by keeping them. I'm just sick about this. I love him and love what we have but I don't think I can accept this - the idea of this being the end is very scary. I feel stuck.

March 27, 2012

You guys are both right. This behavior does show his character and I'm horrified he can be so loose with those pictures. She is at her most vulnerable and he is exploiting it, passing them around. Why now after 4 years? I feel awful. I don't know that I even believe his story about his friend sending them back.. maybe it happened but either way, he failed in his responsibility to our relationship by keeping them. I'm just sick about this. I love him and love what we have but I don't think I can accept this - the idea of this being the end is very scary. I feel stuck.

Well if you do decide to leave - does he have those kinds of pictures of you? If he does, can you find a way to get them back and/or delete them all without making him suspicious (obviously you would do that before breaking up with him).

March 27, 2012

I would not want to be with a man who would do that personally, those pictures were taken in privacy for a loved one, just because they broke up doesn't mean he can do that

March 27, 2012

If it weren't four years, I'd say dump him too. You don't say much about how the relationship is otherwise, so more detail needed. How does he rate as a BF otherwise? Agree it is over the line behavior though, and you have every right to be angry.

I have a friend who does this, he will carry around naked pictures of women he is dating or exes and show them to even strangers in bars. Have been embarrassed by this on more than one occasion. I just walk off and away when he does it. He's a good loyal BF to his SO otherwise, just has this very bad habit. It would kill her if she found out though.

People need to wise up about allowing themselves to be photographed or taped, or who they send any pics of themselves to, even what pics they put on FB that could be photoshopped into fake nudey pics. It happens.

March 27, 2012

Anyone who lets their current squeeze take identifiable nude photos of them is an idiot. Of course he won't show "current" photos but sooner or later everyone is an "ex." There is even a website dedicated to these nude photos of exes.

March 27, 2012

Afterthought: OP should take incriminating, embarrassing nude photos of him now and blackmail him later if he threatens to expose her photos. Maybe take pix of him in her underwear.

March 27, 2012

If he did it to her - he'll do it to you.

I had an ex do this to me, but he went further and sent them to jobs, co-workers, my new BF's work, his co-workers, my parents, posted them all over the internet, followed me onto other boards...cost me 2 jobs and a lot of therapy to get over it.

I didn't cheat on him. All I did was break up with him and he was furious over it.

March 27, 2012

If he did it to her - he'll do it to you.

I had an ex do this to me, but he went further and sent them to jobs, co-workers, my new BF's work, his co-workers, my parents, posted them all over the internet, followed me onto other boards...cost me 2 jobs and a lot of therapy to get over it.

I didn't cheat on him. All I did was break up with him and he was furious over it.

Jesus Christ and I complain when my exes go NC on me. You escaped something potentially much nastier I think

March 27, 2012

Jesus Christ and I complain when my exes go NC on me. You escaped something potentially much nastier I think

You have no idea. This went on for 3 years. Craigslist posts with my real number (I had to change it twice) and pics...he went crazy/obsessed psycho.

I later found out it wasn't just him, but his sister who looked up info as she worked for the court house and his buddy who worked for the same but a different location.

It took a toll on me emotionally and mentally. Cost me a VERY important relationship.

The goal was to get me to commit suicide. No, I'm not kidding.

March 27, 2012

I later found out it wasn't just him, but his sister who looked up info as she worked for the court house and his buddy who worked for the same but a different location.

Did they get done?

March 27, 2012

Did they get done?

You mean caught?

No, I found out thru the threatening emails I was receiving when I tracked the IP it went back to the court house. I was too scared to do anything about it.

I filed a police report but they laughed at me. I tried to file a restraining order but it was all "online" and was told there was nothing they could do.

I basically had to put up with it. 3 very long years. so far it's been quiet, but you never know...

March 27, 2012

Yes he has pictures of me. I have pics and videos of him as well, not that I would ever do anything scandalous with them. I don't even know that I would be able to successfully delete what I have given him. He could probably just restore his iPhone from an old backup and have them all at his fingertips again. Ugh, I feel sick. He can tell me all day long that he would never do that to me, but I guarantee she thought he'd never do it to HER either.

March 27, 2012

Yes he has pictures of me. I have pics and videos of him as well, not that I would ever do anything scandalous with them. I don't even know that I would be able to successfully delete what I have given him. He could probably just restore his iPhone from an old backup and have them all at his fingertips again. Ugh, I feel sick. He can tell me all day long that he would never do that to me, but I guarantee she thought he'd never do it to HER either.

Like I said, he WILL do it to you. I didn't think it would be done to me either, boy...was I wrong.

March 27, 2012

I'll show a new PoV.

4 years ago I was cheated on by my GF of 3 years, I actually caught her in action.

Took me over 2 years of therapy to get myself fixed. Now, how is it related to the OP?

I too had revealing pictures of my ex' and while I did not spread them, I think I would if I weren't so obsessed with suiciding - yeah, that's right, I was to busy trying to kill myself to spread of pictures (I guess). I was in so much pain and anger and all kind of emotions I could literally not see.

So as for your BF, I wouldn't judge him for his action in his time of pain, cause when we're in pain, we can do some really awful things (of course it changes from person to person and how much in pain they are, for instance, the way I experienced the betrayal is probably harsher than most and thus it is not something you can measure and say "oh, I acted differently - I am a better person).

What would of bothered me however, is that he is still thinking about her after so long, and moreover, he has you...

That's the real red flag, IMO.

And as for your own pictures, I wouldn't worry unless you are planing on break up with him.

March 27, 2012

Yes he has pictures of me. I have pics and videos of him as well, not that I would ever do anything scandalous with them. I don't even know that I would be able to successfully delete what I have given him. He could probably just restore his iPhone from an old backup and have them all at his fingertips again. Ugh, I feel sick. He can tell me all day long that he would never do that to me, but I guarantee she thought he'd never do it to HER either.

then accidentally pour a whole load of coffee, or a jug of fruit juice over his iphone to ruin it - u asked what ppl would do and i would suspend any specially good behaviour to protect myself as u are already apprehensive - known men to have an entire gallery of exes

March 27, 2012

I just discovered my bf of 4 years sent his friends (via text) some really raunchy pictures of his ex. He apparently sent them to several buddies right after they split up as well. He claims she screwed him over by cheating on him, and so this is how he justifies it. This particular gf was with him for 5 years so they were very serious - she was not a fling.

Aside from the above there is another issue: he supposedly voluntarily deleted these pictures when I saw them on his computer close to 4 years ago. He said it was not intentional, that he was trying to clean up his new computer after he transferred his files from his old one and he had clicked through a bunch of files, not certain what they were. Ok fine.. then he says he deleted.

So back to present day - multiple pictures were sent to a friend of his. He claims that one of the buddies who received them right after their breakup sent them back to him for whatever reason 1 year ago. He apologized and said it was a "sophomoric" thing to do and although he can understand me being upset, he really doesn't think it's that big of a deal. He says lots of guys are scumbags and pass pictures, nasty text and so forth around. He says he would never show my pictures - current girlfriends are OUT, that that's a line they don't cross.

I am really bothered about this and am trying to get my head around just how effed up it is. I am pissed that he violated her by sending out these pics that were meant for his eyes only. I am pissed that he STILL has them. I am upset that he had no consideration or respect for me BY STILL HAVING THEM after we have already a had an issue about these pics. I am worried about my own pics that he has. I think he is too carefree about us and values his friends more than he does our relationship. He is in his mid-30's but I think he has a lot of growing up to do.

What would you guys do in this situation?

Easy, say goodbye...very childish in my opinion.

March 27, 2012

then accidentally pour a whole load of coffee, or a jug of fruit juice over his iphone to ruin it - u asked what ppl would do and i would suspend any specially good behaviour to protect myself as u are already apprehensive - known men to have an entire gallery of exes

What if the phone were backed up on a computer?

If it is four years later, I'm sure the images are located in more places than just the phone...

March 27, 2012

from OP's POV it seems that she must erase these pix as and where they may be not sure how comfortabe i'd be in her shoes but she must proceed to ruin the computer - am expecting contradiction/s but with no alternative solution for OP's peace of mind offered - but what is her choice?

March 27, 2012

Oops, reposting on correct thread

Edited March 27, 2012 by Appleanche

March 27, 2012

I have a multitude of things to consider. If I call it quits with him then I need to get whatever pics I can from him beforehand, so I guess that should be focus number 1. I don't really know how I am supposd to accomplish this because I have no earthly idea where he has stashed these pictures. I know they're not in his iPhoto because he would not want random people to see them. I'd literally have to go on a hunt for them.. maybe I can round up some but I prob won't get them all. He has 2 computers, an iPad and his phone. I don't exactly know how backups work and whether or not he can restore his phone from an old backup IF I have already deleted some pics from the computer, but I'll bet he can. I dunno, I'm f*cked I guess. I'm just sick over this, not so much because of my pictures but because I can't believe he's done this. I feel sorry for his ex, regardless of her cheating on him.

March 27, 2012

I do have to wonder why you would send him anything questionable about yourself after learning so soon into the relationship what he was doing with this other woman's pictures - of course, maybe you didn't know or it just didn't occur to you. In any case, I think this should be a lesson to everyone: don't take suggestive pictures of yourself. Don't let anyone take suggestive pictures of you. Keep cameras secure and away from the bedroom! Sure, you might get your jollies looking at it later on, but more than that, it's much more likely that your ex will be passing around those pictures, or he'll be blackmailing you over them (well, this goes for the guys and the girls).

Regardless of what she did to him - this happened what now, 4 or 5 years ago? He's been with you that long. I'm not one of those people who proclaims that he will someday NEVER recall that pain. Of course not. It will always sting a bit. But a healthy person, especially after so long, says to himself: "That relationship didn't work out, and I am GOING TO LET IT GO."

He's still got nudie pics he's passing around like he's 15 or something. He's not over her, regardless of what he says. It doesn't matter if he's singing about her like an angel or if he's demonizing her (and the latter is what he's doing) - they both mean the same thing: Not over her, not over her, not over her.

I've been there, done that, OP, in a similar situation. I know it isn't fun. Which is why I hope you gather up your self-respect and you GTFO this relationship. But not before you go about deleting any pictures he may have of you or tearing them up BEFORE you drop the bomb. Because when it's time for you to run, you want to make sure he doesn't have any ammunition.

If he was really ready to get rid of the pictures, he would have gotten rid of them in the first place. If a friend sent it back to him, he would have deleted it and then told said friend, "I am in a relationship and I want to put my past immaturity in the past, thanks." He may have even told you just to keep the lines of communication open and to let you know he's trustworthy. But he didn't do that, OP. And I don't think he ever will act so responsibly and maturely.

He's got to be what - at least in his mid -20s now? It is high time that he grows up. But I don't think that's your problem anymore, OP. Because I think you need to get out and find the mature man you deserve. It is very noble of you that you're even concerned about how he's treating his ex-girlfriend (I wouldn't want an ex spreading pictures of me like that around - that could have very devastating consequences for her).

March 27, 2012

I have a multitude of things to consider. If I call it quits with him then I need to get whatever pics I can from him beforehand, so I guess that should be focus number 1. I don't really know how I am supposd to accomplish this because I have no earthly idea where he has stashed these pictures. I know they're not in his iPhoto because he would not want random people to see them. I'd literally have to go on a hunt for them.. maybe I can round up some but I prob won't get them all. He has 2 computers, an iPad and his phone. I don't exactly know how backups work and whether or not he can restore his phone from an old backup IF I have already deleted some pics from the computer, but I'll bet he can. I dunno, I'm f*cked I guess. I'm just sick over this, not so much because of my pictures but because I can't believe he's done this. I feel sorry for his ex, regardless of her cheating on him.

OK, we can work with this.

This is totally evil but all's fair in love and war. I would drop anything related to this topic for now and then ask if you two can have a session of looking at the pictures you've taken together. Because you think it would be a turn-on (does he have any of himself laying around?). This is enough that you can find out where most of it is (you may not be able to see all of it). And while he's gone, you go about deleting that stuff like nobody's business.

He's probably an idiot of some kind, so I wouldn't worry too much about him being able to restore deleted files. But ultimately, OP, you may not be able to erase all of this damage. There's no saying if he hasn't already passed around your pictures.

Get rid of what you can, get away from him, break all contact and make sure that he never finds out any details of where you live or where you're working, in case he wants to take his 'revenge' further.

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