Poovey Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Forgive me, I'm new here and my post is long I just got dumped and damn if it doesn't sting. It has only been 11 days and I am still shocked that it's over. My Ex (We'll call him Red) and I had known each other for approximately 10 years before starting a serious, personal relationship. We had met and gotten acquainted from his employment at a local business that I was/am a frequent customer of. From the get-go, we had ALWAYS had a, dare I say, CHEMISTRY or SPARK between the two of us. It's not often you encounter someone and there is an INSTANT connection...we had/have that. I had always thought he was an attractive, personable, individual and we ALWAYS spoke to one another when I was in his store. When I would go in his store to shop, if I wasn't seeking him out, he was seeking me out. My now ex-husband used to joke that, we (meaning Red) and I were "two peas in a pod". Others even noticed the chemistry we had. Whether I was in the store by myself or with a friend or family member, the spark was obvious. In June of 2009, Red and I found each other single and we started seeing one another. Though we both agreed to take things slow, it didn't go that way. I spent more time at his place than I did mine. Yes, there is always that "new, relationship" feeling ... the honeymoon phase...where you just can't get enough of each other. As great as it was, it came with its issues. I was recently separated after a 16 year abusive relationship/marriage that, though it went to crap years before, finally ended because my ex-husband committed a serious crime that resulted in prison time. I had a lot of personal issues that I needed to deal with, but didn't have the time because I had to hit the ground running and support myself and my daughter. When Red came into my life, I was a full-time student working part-time to better myself. I was up-front and honest with Red from the get-go about my situation and he showed me so much support. He wasn't stupid to the fact that I had a lot on my plate and he was committed to being by my side through it all. I'd never experienced that kind of love and support from someone. Ever. The first year was good, but emotionally rough for me and my daughter, who he also supported and treated as if she was his own child (he has a mentally handicapped teenage son from a previous marriage). Truly, things couldn't have been better. Maybe I was blindsided by my own plate full of crap, I don't know. It wasn't until I graduated from college in the fall of 2010 that things started going downhill. I graduated from college on a Friday and the following Sunday I had a gallbladder attack that resulted in surgery a month later. That was a set-back for me. I am fully aware that life doesn't go as planned, but by the time I had surgery and healed up, it was the start of the holidays and there were NO JOBS in my field. That's when the money issue started. We were living off of his income, my student loans were officially over. We scraped by at Christmas, with the whole plan/outlook of it being a new year of 2011 and set goals for ourselves to get financially better. Directly after the new year, I started hitting the pavement looking for jobs, but was sidelined once again by an illness that lasted 8 weeks. Spring was in swing by the time I got over it. It was a little tight, but we were pinching and saving and I started hitting the pavement again looking for jobs. It wasn't until July or August of 2011 that desperation set in and I took any job that I could find. The job I accepted wasn't for me and he knew it. I wasn't happy in my job, but I did the best I could until I finally walked out, BUT I also had another job waiting on me. I liked the second job and enjoyed it, until I was let go due to "being late". Yes, I admit I was late one day due to a death in the family. I followed my job's protocol for a late procedure and still got the shaft. Why? Because my boss fired me to hire her best friend for my job. Yeah, **** happens, I'm over it. I admit that after this happened, I got into a funk. Upon falling into a serious depression, I felt like a failure and he knew it. I continued to look for a job, get interviews, but just no luck at landing one. I never felt so useless in my life. Our financial situation was starting to crumble and Red found himself 2 months behind on the mortgage payment. OMG. That's when I started seeing a pattern with him and money. He wanted to discuss and brag about how much he contributed and how little I did. How he was "carrying me and my daughter" along. I contributed every way I could. Dare I say I did what I could to "earn my keep" around there. I kept the house cleaned, I fixed dinner, what little money I had coming in due to my daughter's child support, I bought groceries, paid small bills, bought household products, etc, but it didn't seem to be enough. On March 16, I kissed him goodnight and headed to bed. Within 15 minutes he came into the bedroom and said, "we need to talk." He proceeded to tell me he was no longer physically attracted to me, that I was not contributing and that the relationship was over. I was/am devastated. After almost 3 years of a great relationship, it was over. He told me he had felt the way he had for a long time, but there was NO communication from him about it. There wasn't an inkling of anything. We were still having a physical relationship, we were still telling one another we loved each other. I didn't notice any kind of physical or emotional withdrawal from him. I didn't noticed if he'd "checked-out". He was a complete A**HOLE (Sorry if I offended anyone) about me getting my stuff and moving out. In one breath he would tell me to take my time, in the next it was HURRY. He got petty about things in the house that we bought together. He was very contradictive throughout the whole process. He told me he wanted to stay friends and that, "we were great together and could have been even better together"...yeah, no ****. He has a failed marriage and two prior failed long-term relationships before me. Aside from communicating with his ex-wife about their son, he has no contact with the other two. Then why the hell would he say he wanted to be my friend? He kept going on about our chemistry. Red also mentioned how much he truly liked my parents and other family members and he really hoped he could remain on good terms with them. WTF? He said, "I want to, one day, be able to have you to come over to visit and hang out." WHY and WHY ME? Not to mention, he has a knack for jumping out of one relationship and immediately getting into another one. I truly believe it's his way of "coping" and "getting over" the last one. I'm sorry, but getting into another relationship, even if it's only a one-night-stand type, it's nowhere near on my to-do list. Shouldn't really be on anybody's...I always end up feeling worse. I have had very little contact with him since I got the last of my belongings and hit the door. The last face-to-face conversation I had with him consisted of me telling him that, eventually, I too would also like to remain friends. That spark we have cannot be put out and he agreed. He told me how he was hurting because he really felt like he was losing his best friend (seriously, we were awesome together). Red apologized for being so indifferent because that's how he had to cope. I already knew this, I know him better than he knows himself and he even knows this. I told him that if immediately got into another relationship, it was bound to be doomed because he needed to step back and take a long, hard look at himself. He needed to work on his personal relationships with his family before jumping into anything else (he has mommy issues). I also told him he was making a huge mistake and jumping the gun on ending our relationship, but I understood that if he was no longer attracted to me, it was out of my hands. I told him I still loved him, gave him a hug and out the door I went. As much as he tried hiding it, I could tell he was doubting himself and I could see guilt, hell, you could smell it. He's the type to make a on-the-fly decision and then bury his head in the sand until he convinces himself he made the right decision and there's no reasoning with him. He reminds you of a little kid that sticks their fingers in their ears and sings, "la la la la la" to avoid whatever is bothering them. So, yesterday I took my daughter to school and had to pass by his house. There was a minivan parked in his driveway at 7:30 in the morning. I admit I had been anticipating it. 10 days after calling it quits he's got someone staying all night. I kid you not, I give it anywhere from a few weeks to a few months and who ever this other person is will have moved in with him and that relationship will last a couple of years before he repeats the cycle. I also feel, just knowing how he acted during the last couple of days, how you could smell the guilt on him, that he was probably talking to his person before he even dumped me, and that's the part that surprises and hurts me more than him just saying, "Hey, you gotta get out, it's over." Something I found out about Red through the years...he burns through relationships and burns bridges like a love-sick pyromaniac. His past relationships were interesting to say the least. I now see a pattern with them. He and the ex-wife were the same age, but she was, the best way I can put this, socially stunted and led a sheltered life. His second long-term relationship was with a much younger lady (by at least 10 years his junior) who was a customer of his he met through work, who had some severe mental health diagnoses. Their relationship was never stable (unless you consider the only stability was when her doctor changed her meds and she would sleep for weeks at a time) and their relationship ended because she just up and disappeared for two weeks because she was on a coke binge. The third relationship he had was with another much younger woman, who was a single mother, and she was a fellow co-worker of his. Their relationship ended when she referred to Red's son as "THAT RETARD". I cannot say I blame him for the reasons he got out of those relationships and why he wouldn't want to remain on speaking terms with any of them. Compared to them, I was a saint. I was the closest thing to normal and sane he'd ever had. Yes, I admit that I did have my issues, especially those from my first marriage. I learned what to do and not what to do in a relationship...or so I thought. I was also the closest thing to his age he'd ever had. I had lived life and had experience in relationships, where the others, no. He would have been their first or second "real" boyfriend. I can also see where he could appear to some of these younger girls as a "real catch"...he's worked at the same job for the past 15 years, he owns his own home, he's charming, responsible, mature, intelligent...he's full of bullsh*t. That's another thing...he's arrogant, he's over confident...a real cocky SOB Either you love him or hate him...and there's not many people that love him. I don't think there's many people out there that can truly put up with him. Yes, he had his annoying quirks, who doesn't, but I could appreciate him and accept him. He is who he is. If my hunch is correct about him having another person lined up before me. I don't know what to do now. I really hoped, given enough time, that we COULD have been friends. That maybe there could have been a second chance. Now, I'm not so sure. I want to move on. I want to be happy and I'm going to be happy. What hurts the most is I LOST my best friend. I keep telling myself that if he was my best friend, he never would have done this. What I mean by this is dumping me for someone else. I can't help it if he has a Romeo complex. I'm not the only one who has told him this - I have, his best friend has, his mother has, his sister has. It just breaks my heart in two because I KNOW that our relationship was salvageable. I KNOW that we made a good team and could make an even better one. My gut tells me that this isn't over...that I will be hearing from him, but now, I don't think I can even look him in the eye without the urge to spit in it. And I don't know what to do! I also have a knack for making a complete ass out of myself during break-ups, but this time around, it's strange LOL because I feel the need to walk the straight and narrow and to be on my best behavior. My heart tells me to sling what things I found packed away with mine, up on his porch when his newest victim is over, and usually that's what I would do, but as I said, this time I feel like something is telling me, almost guiding me to not do it. I'm sorry this is so long and a bit rambly... I'm a bit of an emotional train wreck. Any advice or kind words would be appreciated. I need all the help I can get. THANKS and good luck
Kaotic Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 To me it sounds like he needs to work on himself before he will ever find happiness in his relationships. To me it sounds like your eyes Have kind of opened since the breakup, which is really good. I relate to a lot of aspects of your story (amazing team, best friends, sudden split) and I know it's really hard and painful for you :-( just remember that whatever needs to happen WILL happen with time. You will either move on as time passes and find new love, or he will resolve his issues and you two may have another go at it with time. Either way, the outcome will be good for you. Keep your chin up
Author Poovey Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 You're correct! The outcome will be good for me lol. I know that with time things will ease, but man, how time moves so slow. What immediate things that scare me are - If he is already involved with someone, is he going to rub it in my face? I pretty much begged him not to, but since he called it quits, he has been a total fish about things. It truly seems like one minute he is trying to be supportive and the next, he's trying to hurt me. He's always been the calmer one out of the two of us, that's why it worries me is because this isn't like him. He wanted to keep me on facebook, along with all of my family that he has befriended. WHY would he want to do such a thing, when I've NEVER known him to keep in touch with any of his Exs or their families. He's a bridge burner and admitted so. Not to mention, he's said it numerous times, "Message me sometime". At this point in time, I have a lot to say, but I'm doing my best to take a higher road. I feel that if I would contact him, he's going to be a complete ass-hat and I would end up sobbing like a baby and begging him for another chance, which I know would only make things worse for the both of us. I'm scared of having to take those last little things down to his place and also picking up my spare set of car keys that he had. That's another thing...he knows he has them, why didn't he give them to me when I was packing for two days? I want to hurry and give him back his things so I can delete him from my world...for now or maybe ever. It also scares me to think he wouldn't notice. Since the break-up, I've made a couple of posts here and there and he's commented. WHY? It's like HE wants to keep a foot in the door, but I'm not allowed to. He's not a mental game player, very cut and dry...but he's doing things that are uncharacteristic of him and it scares me. I'm just so damn scared. Trying to balance the grieving process without mentally picking apart every little detail of our relationship to see where things went wrong is so hard. Trying to occupy myself and keeping my chin up is just as tough...I don't want to focus all of my hopes onto getting back with him for complete fear of it being a waste of time and hurting me even more, but damnit, how I want my friend back. I just can't seem to get angry enough at him. One day at a time...
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