EmpoweredWoman Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I know you might take this the wrong way, but have you ever considered trying to get a female pen pal from Asia? I'm sure they would all die to be with you, and if you don't speak Chinese or Korean (wherever you're from) , a lot of women in those countries are bilingual. You seem to have the right mindset, you're in the marines, you take care of yourself; stop kicking yourself for the decisions of women. I'm so sick of seeing men blaming themselves for the way women behave towards certain types of men. Being Asian, below average height, or red haired in America makes dating hard no matter how much you have to offer, and the worst is finding out Asian, short, and red haired women are often times the ones who despise men just like themselves the most, that always hurts. The only reason you're having mental hurdles about dating as an Asian man, is because women give you that mental hurdle. It's not that hard of a concept to grasp. And while there are is an Asian guy here and there who achieves some success in dating, that doesn't automatically discount the idea that you are heavily disadvantaged in America (not in a place like Korea where all the pop idols and movie stars look like you). Why not try to play in a league where things are more fair and your fight will get you farther?
Author USMCHokie Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 You know how you can always see what other people's problems are and how they should solve them so easily? You might be able to identify your own problems - but truly solving them is much, much harder. If it were easy, you wouldn't have been dealing with them all this time. ... The point is that having an objective, non-judgmental, outside party who knows your issues, someone with whom you check in on your progress, is the real value of a counselor or therapist, in my opinion. But you do have to take the time to find someone you click with, someone you feel comfortable enough to talk about difficult subjects with. The first person is not necessarily going to be the right one. No, I agree that it often requires an objective third party to see a problem for what it really is and come up with viable solutions. We can't always see ourselves clearly, since our judgment can be clouded by so many things such as our emotions. I just personally don't find the cost-benefit of therapy to be worthwhile. In my opinion, their supposed level of "expertise" simply does not justify the rates they charge. And in the grand scheme of things, I find my dating insecurities to be a minor annoyance of my life. It's hardly crippling to my daily living, so I don't quite feel it necessary to invest that sort of money...
Dust Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I know you might take this the wrong way, but have you ever considered trying to get a female pen pal from Asia? I'm sure they would all die to be with you, and if you don't speak Chinese or Korean (wherever you're from) , a lot of women in those countries are bilingual. I know you might take this the wrong way but you're a troll. All your posts are to elecit reactions. You started off posting as a woman but lately you've been making posts as a man. Good for you troll.
EmpoweredWoman Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I know you might take this the wrong way but you're a troll. All your posts are to elecit reactions. You started off posting as a woman but lately you've been making posts as a man. Good for you troll. Hey dust, hows ya mutha, its me the brosiest of the bros, the reincarnation of the Fonzi, the Ayatollah of Rock N' Rolla, Wolf18 Sieg Heil! I was genuinely trying to help the OP. If you or him don't like my perfectly REASONABLE and realistic idea because he's one of those Asian guys pissed off that white women won't date them...well then let him eat Grannies. Those are the white women who will date him. Or he can get an attractive, intelligent, and traditional Asian girl who would love to meet him and fall madly in love when she realizes that he's a normal guy who takes care of his body, knows how to dress, and serves in the military. (things women in America completely take for granted, that men in other countries don't do).
jerbear Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 (edited) I've never actually used Crest White Strips before...though I used the Rembrandt system a couple times years ago...didn't really notice that much of a difference... Those systems do to have the same whitening potency of prescription, the hydrogen peroxide. Aspergers? Highly unlikely. I just don't give women any credit that they can get over my race. And then I proceed accordingly (i.e., I either don't approach or I approach in a friend-zoned manner). So when I find someone who actually blatantly demonstrates that it's not an issue for them, I attach too quickly in fear that there are no others. Wow, that pretty much sums it up right there... I think you are one step closer. Congrats on moving forward. Edited March 27, 2012 by jerbear
EmpoweredWoman Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 BTW, just for any newcomers, Hokie has been making these "How do I make myself worthy of a relationship" threads consistently every couple of months since November 2009, and every time he gets the same advice, from the same female internet ego strokers who tell him he just needs to work harder for women to accept him and males who think confidence is the only thing even an average looking woman in her 20's wants. It's obviously not working. Give mine a shot, just once, you'll thank me later.
jerbear Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 BTW, just for any newcomers, Hokie has been making these "How do I make myself worthy of a relationship" threads consistently every couple of months since November 2009, and every time he gets the same advice, from the same female internet ego strokers who tell him he just needs to work harder for women to accept him and males who think confidence is the only thing even an average looking woman in her 20's wants. It's obviously not working. Give mine a shot, just once, you'll thank me later. I'm aware of that. Hokie is moving forward. Yet sometimes he comes back with the same question worded slightly different. At some point, he'll figure it out. 1
EmpoweredWoman Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I think he's running on a treadmill, so are most men who beat themselves up because women don't say yes or friend zone them. A lot of men I know in relationships are less "relationship worthy" than the OP, a lot less, so why are they scoring left and right? A lot of men take crappy woman advice on these matters, but it's advice that gets you nowhere. I think the biggest problem is garbage that is horrifically unfair to men, like internet dating, that allows women to choose men like a pair of pants in a catalogue. What's the result? Something like love, that is meant to blossom organically, randomly when you least expect it, turns into the equivalent of a ****ing job interview where men have to write a resume and "play up" their attributes. With new technological ways of "dating" , this throws a wrench in a lot of guys' natural game, instead of the girl Hokie might hit it off with at a party running away with him, she says to herself "hmm, he's cute and fun and has his stuff together, yeah but there's a guy on facebook and another guy on OKCupid and another guy on POF, who are taller/richer/european faces/powerlifter, I'm going to friendzone hokie". Now some of you will predictably tell me "stop whining, just learn the new rules of the game", I say **** that. Be a man and make your own rules. Go to a place where the rules benefit the man, a place that's still patriarchal and women have more respect for men as companions and partners, seeing them as a life investment, instead of how women see us here: the most qualified on paper applicant who they can fire at the slightest slip up, since there's a line of just as qualified or more guys desperate to take his place.
Emilia Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 What makes someone relationship worthy, I think, is their capacity to take responsibility for their ****. That's where I am. I'm trying to figure out what the recurring patterns are in my relationship, what that says about me and what is within my control to change. [...] So what can you do? You own that ****. You notice the moments when you're feeling yourself falling into the "I will do this for her so that she gives me the validation I need" and realize that said validation shouldn't be your partner's reaction to any form of manipulation. You stop trying to improve yourself, you work with what you have and you start focusing on how you interact with potential partners. ^^This 100%
Emilia Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Go to a place where the rules benefit the man, a place that's still patriarchal and women have more respect for men as companions and partners, seeing them as a life investment, instead of how women see us here: the most qualified on paper applicant who they can fire at the slightest slip up, since there's a line of just as qualified or more guys desperate to take his place. So Hokie who feels inadequate (for no reason in my opinion) should learn from a man such as yourself who feels even less adequate? 1
EmpoweredWoman Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 (edited) So Hokie who feels inadequate (for no reason in my opinion) should learn from a man such as yourself who feels even less adequate? I don't feel inadequate, and Hokie may have distinct advantages that he's not seeing. His mental rejection of his race may ironically be his saving grace. If his family is first generation immigrant, they could easily find him an amazing girl in their homeland, for example. If he knows another language or just wants to explore on a whim, he can go to an Asian country himself and see that there's a place in the world where Asian girls bedrooms are adorned with posters of Asian guys, a lot of times really weak and girly looking (think j-pop stars) instead of Brad Pitt (like the Asian girls in America). I don't have that advantage. All the countries where people look like me , IE white countries, are even more globalized and interconnected than with Asian countries. The women here all have 6'5 ripped male models like alexander skarskard on their wall, there's no place in the world where I'm considered "hot", but for Hokie, there is! It's not a matter of feeling inadequate or adequate, it's a matter of looking at things objectively (without intense negativity, but also without people blowing rainbows and bunnies up your ass) and trying to find a place where you can have a better chance just by being yourself. I think you , Emilia, are yet another woman who wouldn't date Hokie no matter what. I think you're another tall-worshipper or a 40 something year old woman whose still chasing after rofl Surfer Bros You give him the same failed advice every 2 months, I give him something new to try, stop trying to advertise whatever self-help book you're trying to sell and realize that he's putting all his effort into the wrong place. Hang loose, brah Edited March 27, 2012 by EmpoweredWoman
FitChick Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I heard you talk about this before... can you please explain the basic principals of this to us FitChick? Read the Professional Endorsements and Success Stories (you might recognize some of the people). For the same price as conventional therapy, you get more bang for your buck in my opinion -- quicker results so less cost. Many cognitive behavioral therapists have been trained in the Method because what they did didn't work for their clients. Different strokes for different folks. Everyone has to find what works for them.
FitChick Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I'm trying to figure out what the recurring patterns are in my relationship, what that says about me and what is within my control to change. Unless they are doing the Lefkoe Method differently than when I used it intensely ten or fifteen years ago, it should be an easy fix. You need to figure out what the underlying beliefs are that would logically explain your pattern. Then use the Lefkoe Method to eliminate them. You should see a big shift rather quickly especially if you get a facilitator who can link several beliefs together in each session. My dating life totally changed for the better. Now I wish I had concentrated on eliminating my money beliefs! P.S. Morty and Shelly Lefkoe have been happily married for about 30 years, I think, after having had a couple of disastrous marriages previously.
mickleb Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 No, I agree that it often requires an objective third party to see a problem for what it really is and come up with viable solutions. We can't always see ourselves clearly, since our judgment can be clouded by so many things such as our emotions. I just personally don't find the cost-benefit of therapy to be worthwhile. In my opinion, their supposed level of "expertise" simply does not justify the rates they charge. And in the grand scheme of things, I find my dating insecurities to be a minor annoyance of my life. It's hardly crippling to my daily living, so I don't quite feel it necessary to invest that sort of money... Is hitting Vegas continuously really inexpensive? Didn't you say you were spending a grand a month on travel costs alone, in your last relationship..? Have you tried borrowing the book I recommended from the library, if cost has become an issue for you?
Author USMCHokie Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 Is hitting Vegas continuously really inexpensive? Didn't you say you were spending a grand a month on travel costs alone, in your last relationship..? Well, I go often enough that I get free or heavily discounted rooms, and I actually do moonlight as a degenerate gambler, so the trips are generally profitable... Have you tried borrowing the book I recommended from the library, if cost has become an issue for you? No, I did not. I haven't been in a library in years...what's the book called again...? I'll get it on my Kindle now...
zengirl Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I recognize that it all stems from my deep-seeded self-esteem issues, but I'm not sure exactly how one goes about fixing them...do you just carry on with life, and then one day the switch magically goes off and you're cured...? Are you supposed to look for some sort of external validation to jump-start the confidence train so that your confidence comes from within? Do you hire an overpriced therapist to blow sunshine up your ass...? None of the above sound like good solutions to me, though perhaps they've worked for someone. I think you have to do things to make you feel better about yourself, more optimistic, and secure in who you are -- whatever that means to you. It will be different for everyone. People often say that you need to "work on yourself" before you let someone in again, but what exactly does that mean to you...? How did you make yourself more "relationship-worthy"...? Before I could truly be happy in relationships, I had to feel secure in myself and my own identity, I had to be a happy person, and I had to go on some adventures (for me, this was teaching in a lot of different places and traveling) to be ready. I got better along the way. My journey was a literal one -- I actually WENT places. I changed my career entirely. I changed my life. I changed my definition of who I was (I was not an adventurous type at all before then -- my family was very surprised when I sold most of my stuff and set off to teach my way around the world). Zen helped me immensely, as did the Tao. But, really, the big change was I was just happier. So, I think the trick is you have to be happy with you.
Zed Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I used to agree that being Asian had certain limitations if your main target of interest was white/hispanic women, but now I am far less convinced that this is the central obstruction that is preventing you from finding the kind of social connections you want. You have all of the accouterments that denote success which include being in a highly valued profession, the aura that comes with being a marine, a high interest in body maintenance and by your own admission, high sense of humor and high IQ. All of these things you have been gifted with, and yet you believe the only reason why women have not really given you a chance is because you are Asian. I believe that this is ludicrous, seeing as I have been around enough Asians to note that this has not stopped a lot of Asian guys, who may not be as fortunate as you, from chasing after the kind of women they want. You care a great deal about what people think and from my observation; tend to stay pretty entrenched in very staid and conventional thinking and acting. You probably need to cultivate a quirkiness factor that may showcase that you are interesting and more then your perceived Asianness. It should be based on your interests and hobbies that will make you stand out and challenges you in a positive and unique way. If you can cultivate the kind of interesting life that you want instead of waiting for your peers to judge that you are worthy to get the hot girls despite having a supposed Asian handicap, perhaps you will begin to be truly have happiness, gratitude and the type of woman that you want. So basically not caring what people think and living a creative and interesting life that will attract the kind of people you want in your life.
mickleb Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Well, I go often enough that I get free or heavily discounted rooms, and I actually do moonlight as a degenerate gambler, so the trips are generally profitable... No, I did not. I haven't been in a library in years...what's the book called again...? I'll get it on my Kindle now... He's Scared, She's Scared. Although, from what you've said in this thread, there's probably a more relevant one available. I'd start with something about acceptance of your Asian American identity, if I were you, I think. Maybe someone who's read something helpful can recommend it? I started with a Google Book search: Google But you seem to have admitted that this is what underlies your behaviour when dating. Re-reading Zed's post ^^^ wouldn't harm, either.
Andy_K Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 (edited) This is a good topic, and I feel I should add something as it's very relevant to me. I didn't start dating much until I hit my twenties. It soon became very clear to me that I was way out of my depth. Quite simply my confidence wasn't very high, my shyness was, and I didn't really have much of a clue how to act in a relationship or what to do with a girl once I got one. I was not a catch. So, I embarked upon an ongoing program of self-improvement. I spent a lot of time at the gym, partly to look better and partly to feel better. I started reading forums on dating & relationships in order to learn from other people's mistakes. I learned about various PUA theories to try to understand how women think and react (and why) and to help myself get past the early hurdles and give myself some confidence. I did internet dating & msn chatting to get more experience and confidence talking to girls, without the pressure of being face to face. Hell, I even started reading about the structure of jokes & comedy to develop my sense of humour more. I started dating a lot, but continued to learn. Pretty soon I came across a few phrases which have stuck with me for some time "Deserve what you want" "All emotions come down to love or fear. Don't make decisions based on fear" These hit home for me, and I started developing my sense of integrity, honesty, self-respect, empathy, and so forth, whilst being at the same time honest with myself about my wants and desires. This was something of a spiritual phase. I took up meditation and self-hypnosis to overcome any lingering insecurities or negative issues I knew I still had at the time - jealousy, fear of loss, frustration, etc. I made a conscious effort to reshape my world view into a more positive one. Tempering the things I'd learnt, and the experiences of others that I'd read about with my own dating and relationship experiences, I formed my own ideas of how the dating & relationship world seems to work. With each step I found myself feeling more confident, with fewer insecurities, and with more experience to fall back on. Over time I've learnt what it is that's important to me, rather than blindly dating and hoping. There were other nice side-effects... - I virtually never come close to losing my temper now - Nothing really stresses me out. I can take misfortune with a smile - I am pretty much impossible to offend. Angry insults aimed in my direction I simply find amusing. There's still room for improvement. There always is. But I now fully believe that for the girl on my wavelength I'll be a cut above whoever she's dated before, and I deserve everything I'm looking for. Edited March 29, 2012 by Andy_K 1
Emilia Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Pretty soon I came across a few phrases which have stuck with me for some time "Deserve what you want" "All emotions come down to love or fear. Don't make decisions based on fear" These hit home for me, and I started developing my sense of integrity, honesty, self-respect, empathy, and so forth, whilst being at the same time honest with myself about my wants and desires. This was something of a spiritual phase. I took up meditation and self-hypnosis to overcome any lingering insecurities or negative issues I knew I still had at the time - jealousy, fear of loss, frustration, etc. I made a conscious effort to reshape my world view into a more positive one. Tempering the things I'd learnt, and the experiences of others that I'd read about with my own dating and relationship experiences, I formed my own ideas of how the dating & relationship world seems to work. With each step I found myself feeling more confident, with fewer insecurities, and with more experience to fall back on. Over time I've learnt what it is that's important to me, rather than blindly dating and hoping. There were other nice side-effects... - I virtually never come close to losing my temper now - Nothing really stresses me out. I can take misfortune with a smile - I am pretty much impossible to offend. Angry insults aimed in my direction I simply find amusing. There's still room for improvement. There always is. But I now fully believe that for the girl on my wavelength I'll be a cut above whoever she's dated before, and I deserve everything I'm looking for. This is very good, well done. Love what you said about fear. I do my best to try to explain this to men I date especially when they are much younger than me but of course this is something that comes from experience and from wanting to work through issues. The confidence level and peace of mind you reach as a result of learning how to handle pretty much anything is amazing.
joystickd Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 You must change your beliefs. I saw you post this on my thread. Because that takes effort. Also, I was having a conversation with another member today about why people get stuck in these "ruts"...and I came up with this as one of the possible reasons, as it certainly applies to me: It's about your ego. If you have believed for so long in something, or spent your life blaming someone else, you'd rather continue believing that and suffer the consequences than take action and realize you were wrong the whole time. For me in particular, one of the reasons I can't kick my belief is that I've spent so many years believing it and blaming women that if I were proven "wrong," I would have essentially wasted all those years...I refuse to believe that this entire time, women might actually have been interested in me and that it's my fault that I started dating so late... No, I refuse to believe it, so I continue on my ways... And I think SD suffers with that same issue... You have to change this mindset. You have to realize there are women actually interested in you. We hold ourselves back a lot because of our beliefs. 1
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