How Do You Make Yourself More Relationship-Worthy...?

[Kamille]

I think your biggest issue is that you believe "improve your self-esteem" means "change yourself". All it really means is: accept yourself as you are. And love it. That's it.

 

From there, we're both pretty much at the same place (except I have a history of LTRs).

 

What makes someone relationship worthy, I think, is their capacity to take responsibility for their ****. That's where I am. I'm trying to figure out what the recurring patterns are in my relationship, what that says about me and what is within my control to change.

 

I think you and I share some similarities when it comes to establishing relationships. We both tend to feel "overwhelmed" by our relationship and showcase some commitmentphobe tendencies.

 

In my case, what I need to work on is the ways in which my desire to please makes me overlook my own boundaries (disregarding who I am in favor of pleasing partners). I suspect that in yours it could be your desire for validation. (Note, I desire to please so that I can get validation, so we're not that far off). Your desire the validation, so you disregard who you are in order to get it.

 

So what can you do? You own that ****. You notice the moments when you're feeling yourself falling into the "I will do this for her so that she gives me the validation I need" and realize that said validation shouldn't be your partner's reaction to any form of manipulation.

 

You stop trying to improve yourself, you work with what you have and you start focusing on how you interact with potential partners.

 

That, or you hop on a plane for a weekend of fun with Dust.

[Ruby Slippers]

Great question USMCHokie! - I'm subscribing.

 

How much does it cost these days to have some sunshine blown up ones arse? I would definitely go with this option if it worked.

I pay an excellent therapist $62.50/hour (on the low end of her sliding scale) to blow sunshine up my ass once a month. It doesn't solve all my problems, but it helps me live with them better. And I have actually made quite a bit of progress while working with her - progress I doubt I could have made all on my own.

[Leigh 87]

I know it is HARD to do, but... WHy not BE around your " ridiculously, outrageously, hot friends", and just enjoy going out and partying with them. Have good conversations with new people, and enjoy life. Be positive, happy, and find ways to enjoy yourself, WITHOUT the need to boost your ego through your ability to be a magnet to women.

 

What is it about being around " better looking" friends of yours, that makes u feel bad? Shallow women will flock to them in favour of you, if their MUCH better looking, but quality girls go for guys who stand out for other reasons. Your attractive enough for them to sleep with, you do not HAVE to be as good looking as your mates, in order to get girls.

I find the best women, the attractive ones WITH great personalities, will talk to men and get a feel for them, and favour the average ones who are fantastic, over the most gorgeous guys.

 

You need to not care that women can be so shallow, that they ONLY pay attention to your mates; the good ones will prefer you, if you have the substabce and personality, that comes across better.

Hang on- do you really like yourself? Do you accept who you are and really own it and want to show yourself off?

I think you have to really want to embrace yourself, and want to really show the world who you are, if you want to be more visible to women.

 

IS there something about you, such as your looks and your ability to attract women, that hinders you from getting to the stage where, in spite of your flaws, you feel like you are happy with you you are, and want to really show it off to the world?

Does your ability to get women/ the hotties, dictate weather you feel great about yourself? Obviously, you need to get to the point where you really emrace yourself, REGARDLESS of womens perception of you.

 

People who really love who they are, do not want to change anything besides bettering themselves in general, really stand out. Averge people who have reached that stage of self acceptance can generally get happy relationships or casual flings easily, regardless of their appearance ( unless they are really ugly, which is rare. Even ugly dudes with that ability to filly embrace themselves and want to really own it, get women. Just not hotties haha)

 

 

Lastly: was the older women you were dating upset over you breaking it off? What did you tell her? That there were things about yourself you needed to figure out?

[Pyro]

So, I recently ended my long distance relationship with the older woman...and from the feedback I'd gotten from some earlier threads, it looks like I've got some personal issues to deal with and resolve before I start dating again...

 

I recognize that it all stems from my deep-seeded self-esteem issues, but I'm not sure exactly how one goes about fixing them...do you just carry on with life, and then one day the switch magically goes off and you're cured...? Are you supposed to look for some sort of external validation to jump-start the confidence train so that your confidence comes from within? Do you hire an overpriced therapist to blow sunshine up your ass...?

 

People often say that you need to "work on yourself" before you let someone in again, but what exactly does that mean to you...? How did you make yourself more "relationship-worthy"...?

 

I stopped thinking about relationships and just lived my life staying busy with friends and hobbies. When you stop thinking about it is when the best things happen.

 

Yes it does sound crazy but it works....at least it did for me and I like to keep things simple.

 

In a nutshell: stop thinking about them and live life day by day.

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, it's not exactly that they're happily in relationships...but rather, they happily get tons of attention from women...so it's a little hard to enjoy being single when I'm around them...makes me feel very invisible to women...which only feeds my insecurities...

This happens to me, too. Most of my friends are gorgeous and outgoing -- whereas I'm OK or cute and shy. So going out with them to bars and clubs is usually depressing.

[jerbear]

I stopped thinking about relationships and just lived my life staying busy with friends and hobbies. When you stop thinking about it is when the best things happen.

 

Yes it does sound crazy but it works....at least it did for me and I like to keep things simple.

 

In a nutshell: stop thinking about them and live life day by day.

 

This is so true, I originally came back to LS to say goodbye then encountered new LS'ers and they caught my attention.

 

Even outside LS, I've gotten attention.

[USMCHokie]

I pay an excellent therapist $62.50/hour (on the low end of her sliding scale) to blow sunshine up my ass once a month. It doesn't solve all my problems, but it helps me live with them better. And I have actually made quite a bit of progress while working with her - progress I doubt I could have made all on my own.

 

Well, I've had very limited experience with a random therapist that I saw twice about a year and a half ago...I am confident enough to say that I feel that I have above average self-awareness and ability to self-analyze and only require a little push, if any, to realize things about myself...and so it didn't take very long for us to identify the underlying problems...hell, I practically stormed in and laid it out there...so the "solution" that I got from him was practically: "oh, you're just being silly..."

 

And from what I've gathered from the Lefkoe site, that's the premise of the method..."you're being silly..."

[jerbear]

Sounds like you don't need a therapist but a life coach. You can ask your friends to help guide you. Even strangers on LS can provide third party insight.

[USMCHokie]

This happens to me, too. Most of my friends are gorgeous and outgoing -- whereas I'm OK or cute and shy. So going out with them to bars and clubs is usually depressing.

 

Depressing indeed...I have an absolutely outstanding time with them, and we generate an great aura which always seems to draw people in...and the moment women enter the picture, I'm hit or miss...if their focus turns to the women, I'm practically left to fend for myself...my friends go on their own f*cking program and all the women divert their attention to them...and that's when I usually go home.

[USMCHokie]

I stopped thinking about relationships and just lived my life staying busy with friends and hobbies. When you stop thinking about it is when the best things happen.

 

Yes it does sound crazy but it works....at least it did for me and I like to keep things simple.

 

Yes, it sounds absolutely insane. But you're right, these things happen when you're least expecting it...I definitely believe in that. I'm just trying to figure out what everyone means by "fixing myself" in the meantime...I'm just trying not to make the same mistakes again...

 

In a nutshell: stop thinking about them and live life day by day.

 

I certainly try to do this...

[jerbear]

Depressing indeed...I have an absolutely outstanding time with them, and we generate an great aura which always seems to draw people in...and the moment women enter the picture, I'm hit or miss...if their focus turns to the women, I'm practically left to fend for myself...my friends go on their own f*cking program and all the women divert their attention to them...and that's when I usually go home.

 

Unfortunately, that is part of the unofficial Bro-code. I don't like it but that happens. Friends would go on their program and bring the girl home. Honestly I had that happen to me numerous times. Now, not really.

[Pyro]

Yes, it sounds absolutely insane. But you're right, these things happen when you're least expecting it...I definitely believe in that. I'm just trying to figure out what everyone means by "fixing myself" in the meantime...I'm just trying not to make the same mistakes again...

 

 

 

I certainly try to do this...

 

you learn from the mistakes of your past relationships. That is how you fix yourself. Assuming it is possible to pick out the good threads from all the garbage being spewed out on here that is another tool that helped me out personally.

[jerbear]

I'm just trying not to make the same mistakes again...

I'm going to go counter to this.

Don't be afraid to make mistakes. Remove those boundaries. If you put yourself in a box, you don't grow.

 

Make a faux paux with the girl, apologize, she laughs at your expense; you two chat and move forward. If not, change your shirt and get back in the ring.

[USMCHokie]

I think your biggest issue is that you believe "improve your self-esteem" means "change yourself". All it really means is: accept yourself as you are. And love it. That's it.

 

I can love myself til the cows come home, but I still get the overwhelming feeling that I'm still not enough...

 

I think you and I share some similarities when it comes to establishing relationships. We both tend to feel "overwhelmed" by our relationship and showcase some commitmentphobe tendencies.

 

In my case, what I need to work on is the ways in which my desire to please makes me overlook my own boundaries (disregarding who I am in favor of pleasing partners). I suspect that in yours it could be your desire for validation. (Note, I desire to please so that I can get validation, so we're not that far off). Your desire the validation, so you disregard who you are in order to get it.

 

So what can you do? You own that ****. You notice the moments when you're feeling yourself falling into the "I will do this for her so that she gives me the validation I need" and realize that said validation shouldn't be your partner's reaction to any form of manipulation.

 

I rush headfirst into "relationship mode" in the early stages of dating and committing way earlier than most because that's what women I date seem to want from me rather early on...so in order to stay in their good graces and continue to get that validation from them, I jump into the relationship ambivalently...and as a result, I'm committed to something I'm rather indifferent about...so my "commitment-phobe-ness" really comes as a result of half-heartedly committing to something I'm not really ready to fully commit to...

 

You stop trying to improve yourself, you work with what you have and you start focusing on how you interact with potential partners.

 

Well, my problem is that in working with what I have, I still feel that it isn't enough to get over the hurdle that women place in front of me because of what I am. So when I interact with them, I don't even bother trying to get over that mental hurdle. I just talk to them from my side of it and call it a day...

 

That, or you hop on a plane for a weekend of fun with Dust.

 

I'm game if he is...

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, I've had very limited experience with a random therapist that I saw twice about a year and a half ago...I am confident enough to say that I feel that I have above average self-awareness and ability to self-analyze and only require a little push, if any, to realize things about myself...and so it didn't take very long for us to identify the underlying problems...hell, I practically stormed in and laid it out there...so the "solution" that I got from him was practically: "oh, you're just being silly..."

Look, I know pretty well what my problems are. I'm not bragging, but I'm very smart. However, it is extremely difficult to be objective about yourself and change your behavior without some objective, outside accountability.

 

You know how you can always see what other people's problems are and how they should solve them so easily? You might be able to identify your own problems - but truly solving them is much, much harder. If it were easy, you wouldn't have been dealing with them all this time.

 

The best thing I get from my counselor is accountability. I tell her, "This is a problem in my life." Then we talk about it, and come up with some specific things I can do to improve upon that problem.

 

For example, I'm moody and tend to get into these periods of existential gloom, where I wonder what it all means and why I'm bothering when things can be so hard. The antidote: get off my mopey butt and do something, like work out, take a walk, do something fun, whatever. The premise is: "It is easier to act yourself into a better way of feeling than to feel yourself into a better way of action."

 

Then I report to her on how I handled those gloomy times. Did I keep up the old habit of wallowing in it, or did I get off my butt and do something? And what was the result? Wallow = more gloom. Action = I probably felt better.

 

This is just one example. Another one for me is being hard on myself, expecting perfection of myself. And so on.

 

The point is that having an objective, non-judgmental, outside party who knows your issues, someone with whom you check in on your progress, is the real value of a counselor or therapist, in my opinion.

 

But you do have to take the time to find someone you click with, someone you feel comfortable enough to talk about difficult subjects with. The first person is not necessarily going to be the right one.

[jerbear]

I'm starting to think, without coffee and late at night is bad; do you have mild Aspergers? I said mild.

[USMCHokie]

Unfortunately, that is part of the unofficial Bro-code. I don't like it but that happens. Friends would go on their program and bring the girl home. Honestly I had that happen to me numerous times. Now, not really.

 

By no means am I angry or upset at them...I just feel a little dejected is all, so to save everyone else from ol' Debbie Downer, I do them all a favor and leave...or at least go do my own thing.

 

I guess that's why I love Vegas so much...if I ever feel that way when I'm hanging out with them, I'm happy just leaving and playing cards or something.

[USMCHokie]

I'm starting to think, without coffee and late at night is bad; do you have mild Aspergers? I said mild.

 

Aspergers? Highly unlikely. I just don't give women any credit that they can get over my race. And then I proceed accordingly (i.e., I either don't approach or I approach in a friend-zoned manner). So when I find someone who actually blatantly demonstrates that it's not an issue for them, I attach too quickly in fear that there are no others.

 

Wow, that pretty much sums it up right there...

[jerbear]

By no means am I angry or upset at them...I just feel a little dejected is all, so to save everyone else from ol' Debbie Downer, I do them all a favor and leave...or at least go do my own thing.

 

I guess that's why I love Vegas so much...if I ever feel that way when I'm hanging out with them, I'm happy just leaving and playing cards or something.

 

Dude, if you are still stuck in neutral. I'll be in Vegas in July for a conference. I might introduce you to your future boss.

 

I used to do what you did, debbie downer or stayed home. It was not fun in college. I missed so many opportunities.

 

I'm the same race as you. Also you being in CA, helps you tremendously! CA women in general is more open minded compared to East Coast girls.

[USMCHokie]

Dude, if you are still stuck in neutral. I'll be in Vegas in July for a conference. I might introduce you to your future boss.

 

Cool man, I might be in the 'stan by then, but I'll keep you posted.

 

I used to do what you did, debbie downer or stayed home. It was not fun in college. I missed so many opportunities.

 

That is my single biggest regret of my life...and I constantly wish I could do college and law school all over again...

 

I'm the same race as you. Also you being in CA, helps you tremendously! CA women in general is more open minded compared to East Coast girls.

 

You might be right, but I haven't been in CA long enough to be convinced of this...

[jerbear]

Cool man, I might be in the 'stan by then, but I'll keep you posted.

Fine, I'll introduce myself to your future bosses!

 

That is my single biggest regret of my life...and I constantly wish I could do college and law school all over again...

There is no reason to dwell on the past, learn from it and make sure you don't repeat it. It is hard and triggers still happen. Even today I have "favorite mistakes" if you know what I mean.

 

You might be right, but I haven't been in CA long enough to be convinced of this...

Go out and walk around, talk to some, chit chat; you'll be pleasantly surprised.

[Million.to.1]

 

Well, my problem is that in working with what I have, I still feel that it isn't enough to get over the hurdle that women place in front of me because of what I am. So when I interact with them, I don't even bother trying to get over that mental hurdle. I just talk to them from my side of it and call it a day...

 

 

 

Can you explain what you mean by "because of what I am"

 

"What are you?" Give me the list.

 

 

I have just been through a whirlwind romance with a FWB that ended last week - i have had sex with him for 16 years every couple of years or so. He initiated everything. I let him control it as was still a little cut from my previous relationship ending and was just enjoying companionship/ fun and sex. This is the first time we actually spent a couple of months dating and seeing each other regularly.

I won't go to much into the story but he said to me when he ended it last week.

"you know you project an air that this is never going to work don't you? You don't realise how special you are, do you? If you think you aren't good enough, then your not. It's a self fulfilling prophecy."

 

This was very confronting for me. He was all into it one minute and then switched off like a light.

 

I never felt good enough for him, it's true.

 

so... did i create this? or did i just instinctively know that what he thought all along? What came first - the chicken or the egg?

 

And it's left me asking myself why I do feel inadequate.

Edited March 27, 2012 by Million.to.1

[USMCHokie]

Can you explain what you mean by "because of what I am"

 

"What are you?" Give me the list.

 

Asian.

 

That is the entire list, since I assume nothing else beyond that matters to women.

 

This was very confronting for me. He was all into it one minute and then switched off like a light.

 

I never felt good enough for him, it's true.

 

so... did i create this? or did i just unstintingly know that what he thought all along? What came first - the chicken or the egg?

 

And it's left me asking myself why I do feel inadequate.

 

I feel inadequate until I'm bombarded by signs that someone is interested in me and can get over the aforementioned "list." Then I rush into a relationship with her. And then suddenly I feel more than adequate, bordering on "too adequate"...and then GIGS kicks in...until I leave the relationship...and I start right back at the beginning of the cycle...

[EmpoweredWoman]

What happened Hokie, the Crest White Strips didn't work?

 

Maybe being a pussy who spends all his time freaking out over getting his teeth a shade whiter or having the fancy clothes isn't the be all end all eh?

 

90% of the things women find attractive, are things outside a mans control or really hard to accomplish. Unless you think getting rich is an easy thing to do.

[USMCHokie]

What happened Hokie, the Crest White Strips didn't work?

 

I've never actually used Crest White Strips before...though I used the Rembrandt system a couple times years ago...didn't really notice that much of a difference...

 

Maybe being a pussy who spends all his time freaking out over getting his teeth a shade whiter or having the fancy clothes isn't the be all end all eh?

 

If brushing and flossing daily is freaking out...well...I'm just speechless...

 

And you'll find me in a tshirt, jeans, and a hoodie 98% of the time...hardly fancy...

 

90% of the things women find attractive, are things outside a mans control or really hard to accomplish. Unless you think getting rich is an easy thing to do.

 

Well, I think I've done relatively well for myself in amassing many of those things, but I find it impossible to get over my own mental hurdles.