Patient Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Hey guys...I am in a real serious dilema and need all the help I can get. Ok me and this guy have been friends for a while, but about a year ago he revealed he had feelings for me, but at the time he revealed it I was pregnant with my daughter and was in a relationship with her dad, which I'm still in now. So as time went on I fell for him and I like him very much, We've never had sex, rarely talk about sex and talk for hours at a time about anything. He's like my bestfriend and he's bought me and my daughter things and does alot for me without me ever having to ask. He always constantly assures me that he likes me and really wants to be with me and I like him too...alot, like almost to the point of love. The problem is I'm still with my bf but our relationship is very rocky and I want out, but I'm tryna make it work for our daughter but I'm very unhappy. He acts as if he doesn't even care that I exist.He doesn't even listen to me or take my feelings into consideration and I'm tired of it. Talking to him about it never works and he acts like I'm gonna always be here, like steadily takes me for granted.Not to mention that I take care of our daughter by myself the majority of the time because he acts as if it's my job.I'm just not happy with him. I know they say you shouldn't leave the one you love for the one you like blah blah blah but he makes me really happy and has made me very happy.Someone please help and tell me what I should do...Thank you.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 The real questions go way back in this situation.. Why were you in a relationship you weren't happy with? I doubt you only had problems up to a year from now. So you're only trying to "get out" because you have another horse to jump on now? Otherwise let me guess...you'd stick around and try to make it work "for your daughter". Are your choices starting to become a little more ridiculous to you now? You make the mistake over other woman out there makes...you stick with one guy, then when one of these "friends" you have on the back burner starts to be all supportive and there for you when the guy you're with isn't, you start detaching from your bf and leaning on one of these "friends". You're number 109,234,334,234,22 to do this exact same process, and for what? because you think going to this new guy isn't going to have it's own set of problems and challenges? Now all of you sudden your needs and wants are so important? just because you see a possibility with some new guy? You don't know him...you don't know how or who he is in a relationship, imagine 2 years down the road finding yourself in the same situation with Mr. Iwannabethereforyou, what are you going to do then? jump ship to another one of your "friends" that supports you and listens to you like your current bf isn't? How about cleaning up one mess before making a new one? How about looking out for what is best for you and your daughter instead of the next fling of a romance that you hope is going to lead somewhere? Your priorities are different, unfortunately you just can't jump on the other side this time because you're actually going to have to communicate with your daughters father for possibly the rest of your life and a relationship will have to be maintained...not for you, but because It's your daughter...that was your choice, nobody forced you to be with your current bf but now the cards you hold are different. You really need to get yourself together, break it off with your current bf and get on your own If possible and get your life together before you jump into another romance. You have no idea how that relationship will go and then where will you be when all the initial romance is starting to fade into another complex relationship? what If this guy decides he isn't so happy dealing with the baby daddy drama or raising someone else kid after he's had his fill on your vagina? You really need to think this through on what you want for your life, and consider what is best for your daughter. It's not about men right now, and It's not about some romance...you've got a small child, at least do yourself a favor and try to get the crap straight in your life before you start making it even more complex and worse. Handle one thing at a time, get out of your current relationship If you want to so bad, create some stability in your life then move forward at a later time...you can keep this "friend" around since he's such a good buddy of yours and totally wasn't your friend just to be with you from the beginning ::rolls eyes:: or you're rolling the dice on finding yourself in the same exact situation in the future possibly, and then who are you going to blame...the men again? Take some responsibility for your relationship and what you put yourself and go through, and free yourself so you don't feel obligated to someone else. It's not his responsibility anyway. 3
TigerCub Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Hi Patient a few things: - Sounds like you're having an emotional affair with the friend. - Because you are spending so much energy on your R with him, its of course, going to make you lean towards him, you'll invest less in your R with the bf, you'll notice more flaws with the bf compared to what you want to see in the other man. - From what I hear, having a baby puts a strain on almost any relationship. - I personally don't think its the right thing to do to be in a crappy relationship "for the kid", that's just wrong and the kid is going to pick up on living in an unhappy unhealthy home. - If you really want to give your r with the bf a real shot, I think you need to distance from the friend for a little bit, and seek some counseling with the bf. You need to make sure he understands how important this is to your relationship, to know that you're unhappy and leaving is a possibility. See if he puts in the effort to make things better then. If he does, awesome, give it a real shot. If he doesn't, then just end it.
FitChick Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Is your current bf unhappy because he feels you trapped him by getting pregnant?
Author Patient Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 I didnt trap him in all actuality he trapped me, he wanted a kid I wasn't ready for one. I even took the plan b and it failed. I think that as time went on I just got tired of dealing with so much from him, including taking care of his child and being taken for granted.
InJest Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 You should start sleeping with the new guy. Once you do, you won't care how your b/f acts toward you. 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Hey guys...I am in a real serious dilema and need all the help I can get. Ok me and this guy have been friends for a while, but about a year ago he revealed he had feelings for me, but at the time he revealed it I was pregnant with my daughter and was in a relationship with her dad, which I'm still in now. So as time went on I fell for him and I like him very much, We've never had sex, rarely talk about sex and talk for hours at a time about anything. He's like my bestfriend and he's bought me and my daughter things and does alot for me without me ever having to ask. He always constantly assures me that he likes me and really wants to be with me and I like him too...alot, like almost to the point of love. The problem is I'm still with my bf but our relationship is very rocky and I want out, but I'm tryna make it work for our daughter but I'm very unhappy. He acts as if he doesn't even care that I exist.He doesn't even listen to me or take my feelings into consideration and I'm tired of it. Talking to him about it never works and he acts like I'm gonna always be here, like steadily takes me for granted.Not to mention that I take care of our daughter by myself the majority of the time because he acts as if it's my job.I'm just not happy with him. I know they say you shouldn't leave the one you love for the one you like blah blah blah but he makes me really happy and has made me very happy.Someone please help and tell me what I should do...Thank you. You're only asking to repeat the same, failing scenario if indeed you don't first allow yourself some 'single' time between leaping from bed to bed just for what feels good toDAY. The other guy is obviously in it because he sees himself as being in-line for your affections, so he'll probably wait for quite a while if need be. If you ditch the guy you're with (not a bad idea)... only to leap right into the bed of the other guy, you're just going to wipe-out any potential there too, before it had a chance to grow. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 I didnt trap him in all actuality he trapped me, he wanted a kid I wasn't ready for one. I even took the plan b and it failed. I think that as time went on I just got tired of dealing with so much from him, including taking care of his child and being taken for granted. Stop being the victim, nobody feels sorry for you. You spread your legs, didn't take birth control/use protection and let him do it. Nobody held you at gun point to do this, you mean to tell me you did this for a man you weren't happy with just to get him off your back? how pathetic does that sound? Then you get to raise "his baby" no, no, has nothing to do with you, it just happened to grown in your body and has your DNA but It's totally his baby. You really need to stop playing the victim and take responsibility for your choices, you're a mother and an adult...time to start acting like one. What are you going to do now? resent this kid, tell them how ****ed up your life is when it gets old enough to listen? He didn't trap you, you're being ridiculous, you walked right into it willingly...you could have walked away aaaaanytime you wanted to, oh but there wasn't anyone else on the line so that seems like the "lonely" option. I understand you feel you were in the moment, maybe you thought things would change and get better and improve, maybe you though this would magically fix everything and you probably felt trapped and liked there was nothing else you could do and you are under this mans "spell", but hopefully now you get that this is bullcrap excuse and hopefully you see the light now. You can't run from your problems, you can't depend on another man to fix you and make you happy and change your life, you've got to do that yourself. Once you get that in your head and get in control of your life, then you'll realize how naive and foolish you're acting...sadly I doubt you see the strength in yourself to accomplish this, I think you may always take the easy way out...but there's no reward for that like you think there is.The easy way is easy for a reason, and then you'll find out it wasn't so "easy" after all once reality chimes in. 1
Tybalt Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 Ninja is very blunt, but essentially he is correct. You have a much greater priority to attend to now, that of your child's future and well being. Personally I'd do whatever I could to keep a family together, but barring that (and I absolutely believe sometimes you cannot make it work in any healthy manner) then the path is a difficult and lonely one at times but it must be done, for your own emotional maturing process as well as to protect and give as much stability as possible for your child. There is no way to blame anyone, it is a waste of time and it robs you of control of your own life anyway, which is a lousy place to be in. When you accept your part, your responsibility, suddenly you are making more conscious "choices" instead of being victimized. Trust me, I know how hard this is. It is even harder if you fear for your child as a result of the actions of the other parent. At least it doesn't sound like that is something you need to worry about from what you've said. In my anecdotal experience, men tend to become more involved with their kids, if they are going to, once they are out of the very dependent baby stage and can start doing more active things. Perhaps this will be the case here, perhaps not, but you are this child's primary caregiver and therefore the world. Your decisions now have a massive impact on the life of YOUR baby. Validation from a man won't fix you. Feeling like you can't make it on your own without a man will potentially keep you trapped in something that may hurt you and your child. You CAN do what is right. In the end I believe something wonderful and transformative and empowering can come of it.
Author Patient Posted March 30, 2012 Author Posted March 30, 2012 to correct both Ninjain whoever and tybalt, I am extremely happy to be a mother and in all acutality I do everything for my daughter by myself and work two jobs at that and I am in graduate school, I don't regret having may daughter at all. When I say trapped yes it was a trap, he pulled off condoms and I had no clue, but if I didn't want her I woulda aborted her, easy and simple as that so to everyone who is talking this and that about poor kid and blah blah blah my child is very well taken care of and very well loved by me.Secondly I don't feel I have to be with a man to "validate" myself.Females with low self-esteem do that and I'm not like that. I want to keep my family together for the fact that my father wasn't around. I don't think that's having to have a man I think it's that desire to have a natural family and do wha'ts good for my baby.If that was the case I woulda just started sleeping with whoever looking for that void. When I got with my current bf I had other options, he was the best one. Me and the other guy started off as friends and had been friends since high school, no one asked him to start feeling the way he feels for me and vice versa, and no one is saying I'm going to jump right into a relationship with him that never was an option, my whole decision is trying to figure out if I leave the father of my child completely what consequences do I face? I know that being with someone new isn't going to be peaches and cream but as of right now my feelings for the new guy surpassess my feelings for my child's father, and that's just how it is. Me and my bf have been through alot and I'm tired and have been unhappy for a long time. And I said his child
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