Oxy Moronovich Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 In my opinion, an egotistical person always thinks they deserve better in dating. They look at a person who brings a lot to the table and says, "Hmm. This person is pretty good but I can do better. Next." They always look for flaws in others to validate their judgments. A person who lacks self-confidence think because they don't have the best physical, social, and financial attributes then that's the reason their dating life is difficult. They are unable to see dating is difficult for everyone. When someone shows interest in them they think, "Why does this person like me? Are they not right in the head?" Both tend to scare people away and self-sabotage relationships. Both are unable to see their own flaws. I've dated both types and don't know which is worse. Does anyone have any idea which is worse?
Philosoraptor Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I am awesome and anyone would be lucky to land me. Ego? Nah, just honesty and confidence. 2
oaks Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Dating someone with no confidence is a real downer. Been there, done that. Don't think I've dated the big-ego type yet. Happy to try it once. I suspect neither are good, and the best solution is to pick women #3 who is more normally adjusted and well balanced. 1
TigerCub Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 If I absolutely had to choose - I'd go for the big ego. The low self esteem person will need so much reassurance and they will be a downer. The big ego person, may be a bit deluded, but can be put in their place when the situation calls for it. Just call them out on their bull****. 2
ditzchic Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Too much of either extreme is a bad thing. I'm a pretty confident girl and I know the right guy for me is going to be in for one hell of a treat when we meet. But I'm not so arrogant as to think that any man in the world would be lucky to have me. I have my own personality so naturally there are going to be other people with their own personalities who I clash with. And I've been playing the dating game long enough to realize that there aren't plenty of fish in the sea if you are looking for a truly great catch so when you find one, you have to take your time and explore it a bit before being so quick to toss it back. 1
Dust Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I would say big ego and lacking self confidence go hand in hand. For instance these guys who come here so angry at women for percieved rejection when they don't even ask girls out. These guys have an ego so big that they can't handle the idea of some one rejecting them so they do nothing. In the end they are left with a big ego and no self confidence. 3
carhill Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 In my 52, I struggle to understand the concept of 'doing better' than people one loves or purportedly loves. I'm happy to date and relate and love people who appear to be consistently confident in the stability of our relationship. There is enough uncertainty in the world and enough things to 'do better', IMO. 'Tall poppies', as the Aussies call them, tend to get their due. I generally move on without comment, as such would be a waste of both our time.
Anela Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I would say big ego and lacking self confidence go hand in hand. For instance these guys who come here so angry at women for percieved rejection when they don't even ask girls out. These guys have an ego so big that they can't handle the idea of some one rejecting them so they do nothing. In the end they are left with a big ego and no self confidence. That's what I was going to say before, but I'm having even more trouble communicating today, than usual. I was waiting for someone to say they go hand in hand. When I genuinely feel good, then my ego is just fine. It's when it's hurt that I sound like the bitter guys here, and I loathe people who tell me to be more mindful, meditate, and loosen my grip on my ego.
Teal Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 (edited) It's harder to have a rational conversation or argument with someone who has an overinflated ego than someone with no confidence. It's just a disgusting mess. I doubt I'd keep my sanity in such a relationship a second time around. Edited March 26, 2012 by Teal
carhill Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I could see an unhealthy potential when the ego is unsuccessfully able to balance the forces of id and superego, with swinging to the former as the basis for what apparently is commonly known as egotistical. The passionate self-center dominates. Conversely, with an unhealthy swing to the super-ego, adherence to constructs, norms, societal pressures, socialization cues and anxiety/stress/guilt over such renders the individual impotent to be just that, an individual and, with that loss of individuality, loss of confidence in their uniqueness. In a social construct, IMO, the swing to the id can present more obstacles to forming healthy relationships than a swing to the superego. When younger, retrospectively, I tended to swing more to the superego and still had healthy relationships, some of which persist to this day. Strictly pertinent to dating, I think such a swing was not attractive to women as a sexual/romantic partner but they appeared to be attracted to it otherwise and I had a number of long lasting and productive friendships with women during that era. The clear obstacle with such a swing was accepting that words and actions which benefit oneself (the id) can hurt other people and to learn to manage the anxiety and guilt over that to achieve a more balanced sense of self more devoid of what LS'ers call 'doormat' behaviors.
somedude81 Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 It almost seems the question should be, which is worse, no confidence or arrogance? And there is no doubt that having no confidence is far more detrimental.
johan Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 It almost seems the question should be, which is worse, no confidence or arrogance? And there is no doubt that having no confidence is far more detrimental. Too much ego does not equate to arrogance. If your ego is too big then you can't take rejection or criticism in a healthy way. Your ego can't stand it. Arrogant people might have big egos, but a person with a big ego may come off as arrogant or might actually avoid social risks altogether.
somedude81 Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Too much ego does not equate to arrogance. If your ego is too big then you can't take rejection or criticism in a healthy way. Your ego can't stand it. Arrogant people might have big egos, but a person with a big ego may come off as arrogant or might actually avoid social risks altogether. But too much ego is not the opposite of no confidence either. As Dust pointed out, somebody with a big ego can have poor confidence.
brokenTom Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Maybe think of it as "No Confidence" vs "100% Confidence"... or, in other words: Those who feel they have no value vs Those who feel they have no flaws IME, I've not dated anyone near the "no flaws" attitude, but I've dated someone who was always down on herself. It was difficult having to always reassure her that she had value, but it wasn't terrible and I loved her despite that. I imagine someone the opposite of that would be more difficult, but I really don't know...
dasein Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 With women it doesn't really matter, they will get attention regardless. With men it depends on how good looking, tall, wealthy and socially valuable the man is. If he has those in abundance, he can act however and it won't matter. If he does not, he may lose some interest based on his attitude. If he is deficient in those qualities, a confident attitude can help... a little bit. 1
poodle Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I think no confidence is much worse. At least someone with too much of an ego is happy with who they are. I don't think people with no confidence can ever truly love someone or be satisfied until they learn to love themselves.
gotye Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 too much ego lack of self confidence can be nurtured and vulnerability is sexy
EasyHeart Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Egotistical behavior usually masks underlying insecurities. In other words, egotistical people lack self-confidence. The two kinds of people you describe in the OP are actually exactly the same. 3
Author Oxy Moronovich Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 Egotistical behavior usually masks underlying insecurities. In other words, egotistical people lack self-confidence. The two kinds of people you describe in the OP are actually exactly the same. Ah, but you said "usually". What is it when it doesn't mask insecurity?
EasyHeart Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Ah, but you said "usually". What is it when it doesn't mask insecurity?An axe murderer. 1
somedude81 Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I think no confidence is much worse. At least someone with too much of an ego is happy with who they are. I don't think people with no confidence can ever truly love someone or be satisfied until they learn to love themselves. I vehemently disagree.
Author Oxy Moronovich Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 An axe murderer. Google I vehemently disagree. If you have no confidence in yourself, how can you have confidence in others?
carhill Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I think a distinction should be drawn, in matters of 'no confidence', between life in general and romantic and intimate relations. As LS exemplifies, there are plenty of people with successful lives and associations who struggle with romantic and intimate relationships. They don't lack confidence generally but perhaps lack in one specific area. It's a focused vulnerability. Does that make them 'worse' people than those who are slaves to their id? Sounds like another compatibility matter.
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