mason 25 Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 my Girlfriend is 20 im 25 she has had a wild past. shes been having sex since she was 15 drinking drugging before she met me she had a more than a few fu@k buddies including her ex from when she was 16 she got with him a week before we made it official she claims to not have feelings for him she says sex is just sex. she has been through alot with men.all her friends are guy friends and she smokes weed and drinks with them can i trust her? she says she is leaving everything in the PAST and she want to change. can a person really leave everything in the past and change?
ditzchic Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Yeah a person can leave everything in the past and change. But.... If she truly wanted to change she would have a different attitude about her past. The way you are telling the story, it seems like she thinks her past was no big deal. Someone that truly wants to change realizes the errors of their former ways and they act remorseful about it. They don't act like it wasn't anything. That's how you can tell if a person has matured past a stage of their life. 1
Author mason 25 Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 yep she thinks nothing of it. i think its noot cool for her not to demand relationships out of men she gave up she said and just had fu@ck buddies for about 2 years until we met. i dont think its ok for her to do drugs but she doesnt think its not bad at all
TigerCub Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 yep she thinks nothing of it. i think its noot cool for her not to demand relationships out of men she gave up she said and just had fu@ck buddies for about 2 years until we met. i dont think its ok for her to do drugs but she doesnt think its not bad at all then you're with the wrong girl. You can't be with someone when you will be judging everything they've done and when you have problems with certain aspects of their life style now. She's 20, she likes partying, she likes having experiences, and she sounds impulsive and all about having a good time. That doesn't seem like you, so you two will have differences. As for trusting her, well just because she had a "wild" past, doesn't mean that she can't be trusted. If in her past, she's been known to cheat on people - ok then, don't risk it. But if she hasn't given you reason to doubt her word - don't automatically assume that she's going to lie to you or cheat on you without any proof. Also, since she told you about her past, at least that shows that she's honest. I don't think its a question of can you trust her, I think it should be more of a question of "are we compatible?"
RiverRunning Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I agree with Tiger - you both seem to really be at different stages in your lives (and for better or worse, you skipped the 'wild' part altogether). I'm roughly your age and I couldn't stand to be with someone who's big into the drinking, smoking, partying and sexing lifestyle either. You sound like you know what you want - someone monogamous and settled-down. The past does have a way of repeating itself. I don't believe she's past that stage of her life yet. Is she in any contact whatsoever with her past lovers? Red flag. Is she close to any of them? Bigger red flag. I do hope that if you've already been intimate, you were at least tested for STDs together - and if not, it's something that should be done. The fact that she's been with so many people and that she's so big into drugs and alcohol would be a huge source of concern for STDs for me. My feeling, OP, is that maybe you should move on and find someone who's a little more settled and beyond the hedonism of pleasure right now and all the time (does she have family problems or emotional problems? The fact that the promiscuity and all began when she was 15 would make me wonder if this isn't an outlet because of abuse or problems earlier in your girlfriend's life. Not saying that's an immediate deal breaker, but are you equipped to deal with that long-term if so?).
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 The bigger picture isn't focusing on all the things she has done in the past, but moreso why she has done them. Whether you can live with her past and accept it, is up to you. People act out in ways in their life due to deeper issues that reside within themselves. They choose a "risky" or chaotic lifestyle which typically stems from issues in childhood. Those are the more important factors that would have an affect on your relationship. Some people like to push their past in the past and not be held accountable or judged for it, they just want a clean slate and to act as If It never happened or that It did however It is just the past now and is irrelevant. However I'm not one to just shun the past as a mere "phase" that you go through and then are done with, I look at it more as you coming into your own and your past regardless of how disconnected you feel you are from it now still represents the challenges and issues that you have to overcome or at least work with in your life. You can't just treat it like it was just some other person regardless of how far you've grown from that....and I'm not speaking from just a outside perspective, I personally take the responsibility of my actions and behavior of the past and It's not something I intend on shunning and pushing into the back of my mind...because there is nothing more that teaches you about yourself than your mistakes. And to me like with history, If you are not wise It can repeat itself in some form, It's meant to be remembered...It is you and your nature. As far as sex being sex, that is something depending on the individual...their capability and "morals" to an extent of how they can engage and disengage with other people. I'm not sure how people are so easily capable of being that intimate with someone and It's about as profound as going down to the corner icecream shop and having an icecream cone, but I know that there are people that function in this way and It is not to be taken for something more important than that unless emotions are exchanged. In your situation I'd recognize she's 20 years old, and the "wild past" is a bit early to kick by that age, she may not handle herself in the same way anymore but she's definitely still growing up and maturing, just think of all the things you've learned from 20 to 25, it's pretty significant for most people at that age. This girl definitely has issues, but judging from your other posts you don't seem like the most mature guy in the world yourself, Is this the kind of girl that interests you? Is this the kind of relationship you want? She's 20 and has issues, what exactly are you expecting out of it? If it's just because shes 20 and for sex you may probably don't have to be in a relationship with this kind of a girl, honestly you're probably more of the sucker that's taking the bait for the relationship. I'd suggest you break up with her and date older women, this type of girl isn't going to teach you anything and you should learn from women more experienced than yourself. A 20 something is just going to be there. 3
udolipixie Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Depends on the person. Some carry their past with them and some repeat their past. In this case I'd be more consider with the drinking & drugging at a young age. As for the sex it depends on the why she had it (low self esteem, validation, trust issues, intimacy issues, fear of commitment). Most people tend to like sex and tend to like engaging in it. Trusting her depends on you. Has she stopped drinking & drugging?
ascendotum Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 all her friends are guy friends and she smokes weed and drinks with them can i trust her? At least she's just 20 saying she's had a wild past and wants to change and not 30. She's still very young and its only her immature teen yrs that she went off the rails on. She said she is leaving everything in the PAST and she want to change, but is she still hanging around with the old crowd smoking & drinking with them? Has she given any indication that she's a changed person in her lifestyle or living in a stable environment thats going to help with this?
dasein Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Agree with others, esp ninjapjs. If her past is a product of a generally impulsive, compulsive self-medicating nature, very bad bet. Move on yesterday. The way to tell is her behavior now. Does she show impulsive drinking, drugging, spending, risk-taking behaviors now? Or is she responsible, holding down a job, school, going out only 1-2 nights a week? Hanging with family and friends more than party/drinking buddies? Does she get bored too easily and always need excitement and drama? These sorts of things. As far as your attitude goes, if you don't want someone with a party girl past that's up to you to decide. I've had friends go both ways. Some would walk down the aisle with a girl and not care that she banged half the church, and others wouldn't be fine with that. Doesn't seem to bear on whether they end up happy or not in the long run.
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