lostinme Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I can't quite understand why I've cheated and lied and hurt my wife badly. I know communication was a main problem as was sex. Not attracted to her really. I do care for her. I miss my family and feel sooooo lost......
Owl Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 OK...so what advice or questions are you looking for answers to? You've provided a very incomplete intro with no clear request. What can we do for you?
Author lostinme Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 I would like to make my marriage work but not sure if it can be done. I've caused a lot of damage. My wife and I never had great communication especially in the sex dept. We have different values and have a beautiful 10 yr old son. Living with mother at 44 and looking for work too. Just feel very lost and wonder if it's at all possible to mend. She served me with divorce papers but think she still wants to keep marriage.....THANKS!
Owl Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 It's POSSIBLE...but only if both parties are willing to put forth the hard work and emotional investment in a risky situation. You would have to be willing to completely change a lot of things about how you've lived up to this point. You'd have to be willing to allow your wife to learn things about you that you probably still haven't shared. How the A occurred, what happened between you and the OW during it, etc... You'd have to take some pretty drastic measures in order to rebuild your wife's trust and faith in you...you're going to have to do a lot of difficult things to demonstrate to your wife that you're willing to become a trustworthy person. You lost that status during/after your affair. Your wife has to be willing to give you that chance. She's got to be willing to risk trusting you again at some point, and willing to believe that you can and will change. Not that easy...but it's possible. The first step is for BOTH of you to make the choice to reconcile. Until you BOTH make that choice...it ain't happening. 2
Author lostinme Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 Thanks. Any thoughts on how to broach this with the wife (carefully I assume). Appreciate the input~
frozensprouts Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I can't advise on what words to you when you try to talk to her about reconciling, but I would suggest that you back it up with actions. Show her that you are willing to make changes and that you want to earn back her trust. Show her that you want to figure out why it is that you saw cheating as a viable option in your life so that you don't make that same choice again. Find out from her what she needs from you if you are to begin the process of reconciling. When she's ready, let her know anything you need form her. If you are going to reconcile, it will take hard work on both your parts. Talk is cheap, action is not...show her that you mean what you say and be patient- reconciling can happen, but it can take a long, long time 2
TigerCub Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Why do you want the M to work now? Is it because things feel weird now and you're not getting as much time with your son as you were able to get before? Is it because you're lonely? What is it? You said that you're not attracted to your wife, you two don't communicate well, you alluded to an unfulfilling sex life - so what are you really pining for? I think that you need to be really honest with yourself as to why you want her back, what you realistically hope will change, and how the two of you will work towards those changes (if she decides to take you back). But be really honest with yourself before you even bring this up to her.
bentnotbroken Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 My thought is you don't want your wife and certainly not the marriage you claim you had. What is happening to you now is the realization that your life is different and you don't like that either. Don't ooze your way back into your wife's life just because the current situation does not suit you. Give it some time, get some help and leave her be. Tigercub's post is spot on. 1
Author lostinme Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 Thanks! I suppose you may be right. How do I figure out what the hell I really want? So confused and feel like a tornado.......
nofool4u Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Thanks! I suppose you may be right. How do I figure out what the hell I really want? So confused and feel like a tornado....... If you don't know, then its time to give your wife the divorce she wants.
Ninja'sHusband Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 (edited) I'm gonna recommend two books. One is "Divorce Remedy", it deals with stopping a divorce when one partner is set on divorce. So far it's been working for me. http://www.divorcebusting.com/sb_the_divorce_remedy.htm Another book, which admittedly I haven't read...because it focuses more on your situation than mine: Amazon.com: Winning Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late: Whether She's Left Physically Or Emotionally, All That Matters Is... (9780785270454): Dr. Gary Smalley, Dr. Greg Smalley, Deborah Smalley: Books The negative reviews are mostly from men like me, who were cheated on rather than being the cheaters. So while I haven't read it, the reviews seem good and it was written for people in exactly your situation Edited March 27, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband
Ninja'sHusband Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Thanks! I suppose you may be right. How do I figure out what the hell I really want? So confused and feel like a tornado....... I'd say make priorities, you, kids, wife, job, etc. For me my daughter is #1. Do you think you could fall back in love with your W? It's gonna be hella hard...cause she already wants out. You'd need to convince her to want back in the M first. Then once she's back in the M with two feet, she might be able to learn what you need that she wasn't giving you. You're gonna have to be patient though. How good are you guys around your kids? The question I always ask myself is, "Are we hurting my daughter by staying together?". So far the answer is no...and so I stay. We even had my daughter go to counseling recently, she checked out as pretty happy and unaffected so far...which eases my mind about trying to R.
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Thanks. Any thoughts on how to broach this with the wife (carefully I assume). Appreciate the input~ You have to have a plan. And be sure this is what you want. Other than your child, it seems you don't love your wife the way a husband should his wife. Don't just stay together for the sake of your child UNLESS you plan on reconnecting with your wife, doing counseling, bettering yourself to be the husband she needs and deserves - And learn how to communicate with one another, in and out of the bedroom. You say you have different values. As in?
Recommended Posts