Why do some couples not argue very much?

[Thinkalot]

Is it because they are placid by nature...or at least one of them is an easy going type, who rolls with things, and doesn't sweat the small stuff.

 

Is it because they have learned to smoothly communicate about even fiery topics, or things on which they disagree?

 

Is it because they don't communicate much, and actually avoid conflict, or don't say how they feel?

 

 

Just wondering. Maybe it's a combo. Although avoiding conflict is often very bad for a relationship. My fiance and I are fiesty, dominant personalities. We used to argue a lot. Now, we argue much less...and have learned, through trial and error, and conscious effort to communicate much better. We still are not a placid couple though. Things are never boring, there is passionate love, and depth, and lots of honesty, openness, trust and committment. We both think we could do with even more 'calmness' though. So we are focussing on getting better still, in the communication dept. Me being an obsessive type obviously doesn't really help things any.

 

I guess I sometimes wonder why some couples seem more peaceful than others? And whether it is always a good thing, if you look beneath the surface (ie, lack of honest communication etc).

[Sundaymorning]

we dont argue that much cause hes very patient and we try to be kind to one another. other than that, ive had much argumentative relationships in my lifetime, except this one and maybe another.

[UCFKevin]

My ex and I had about five or six arguments in our 2.5 years together. That's a pretty damn good track record. Both of us are very easy going by nature and would never really upset each other. And it would usually be her getting mad at me rather than me getting mad at her. I don't get upset or get into arguments much at all, really.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by UCFKevin

I don't get upset or get into arguments much at all, really.

Lucky you...must make you life calmer than mine..lol!

[Kat]

I came from an abusive relationship to the one Ihave now...very loving.

 

We have our discussions, but we don't 'argue' that much....no more than a 'normal couple'

 

Why? Because we know the boundries and never EVER cross them. I know what he will and won't accept and he knows what I will and won't accept.

 

I never had that before and there is no way that I would lose what I have for a stupid fight.

 

I am a very firey person and he is a very calm person. We both have quirks the other dislikes, but loves.

 

Communication is the key, don't let someone get annoyed and then walk away. Get annoyed and talk it out.

[ziggue]

My boyfriend and I don't argue that much at all either. Then again we have only been going out for 3 and a half months. Still at Honeymoon stage I guess. .

 

Good communication stops arguements too. Not to mention we don't live together and still live with our own families.

 

Our relationship is pretty much the go with the flow type as well. Also we seem to like to talk things out every once in a while rather then argue.

 

I also think it depends on personality types too.

[magda]

Not all arguments have to be "feisty". None HAVE to be. Gotta learn how to argue properly and then you've mastered communication. That and choosing your battles. It is certainly not unhealthy to never have heated arguments - none at all may be a hint that someone is a pushover, gutless or has no convictions.

Some couples are just master negotiators, in my opinion. That understand each other well. And a good negotiation ends with both parties feeling like they won, right?

 

It also, I think, has a lot to do with how each person was raised. Some households are very quiet and some... aren't. You learn your style and your style is at odds with their learned style.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Is it because they don't communicate much, and actually avoid conflict, or don't say how they feel?

 

This describes my first marriage. Husband couldn’t deal with any sort of conflict whatsoever, even when it came to parental disciplining. He would literally leave the room if there was any hint of tension. It was impossible to sit down with him and have a serious discussion or ask for input without a councilor present to keep him in his chair. Never any fighting, arguments or even serious discussions…just avoidance and eventually complete emotional detachment.

 

Is it because they have learned to smoothly communicate about even fiery topics, or things on which they disagree?

 

This describes my current 4-year relationship. Again, no fiery arguments or excessive drama. In fact, we LIKE it quiet because neither one of us can stomach too much drama. But there is a lot of raw honesty and open communication. We talk often, even constantly, and work things out l-o-n-g before they escalate into heated conflicts. We are careful about how we approach a topic; almost overly cautious about how we approach each other so as not to create tension and hard feelings. We never raise our voices, shout insults or reach logger-heads. Through open discussion and careful communication, we ALWAYS reach a happy compromise and choose our battles carefully (never sweating the small stuff).

 

Then again, there isn’t much that we really ‘disagree’ on. We are completely in sink with our core values, our expectations, our beliefs and our outlooks. We tackle our problems as a “team” and operate as a single ‘unit’ rather than asserting our independence and individuality separate from one another. We’re already comfortable with who we are, so we don’t feel the need to prove it to each other or the world. We’re different as night and day…the proverbial “odd couple”…but we are equal and very much alike when it comes to the fundamentals.

 

I guess I sometimes wonder why some couples seem more peaceful than others? And whether it is always a good thing, if you look beneath the surface (ie, lack of honest communication etc).

 

Avoiding conflict IS a good thing, but not if it means avoiding issues all together. Nor should you have to walk on eggshells or break the china to get your point across. Being able to communicate is so very important, but often it takes TWO to make that happen…and sometimes THREE if you’ve gotten to a point where you have to hire an outside party to mediate.

[Thinkalot]

I reckon we still have lots to learn, on how to communicate CALMLY!

[Shasta]

PJ and I barely ever fought when we were together. Part of it was because we were really happy and loved being together, and as time went on, it was because we wouldn't communicate when we were pissed off. We would just let it slide, and that was a bad thing! Let's just say, once we broke up, we fought quite a bit.

[Thinkalot]

Well...we are happy and have a good relationship, as I have said...but we are thinking of heading back to a counsellor, to iron out a few recurring communication problems, and patterns of behaviour.

 

My fiance is happy to do that...but does view it as a sign of weakness in us as a couple...that we can't fix it all by ourselves. I said it shows strength and committment, because we are doing all we can to confront any issues between us. What are your views?

[moimeme]

I think it's weaker to refuse to admit you don't know everything. There is a vast amount of knowledge available on every subject; to expect that you would have amassed enough to be an expert on everything, particularly relationships. When you're busy with the rest of your life, you haven't the time to research different techniques or points of view. So you go to a therapist who's done that work for you. Do you expect to build your own house and repair your own car too? I know some folks do, but they're not managing high finance too.

 

It's no more a 'weakness' to consult a relationship expert on relationships than it is to consult a financial expert on financial planning. They are people who have specialized knowledge and you pay to avail yourself of their knowledge.

[Thinkalot]

A good, clear point Merry...thanks. I shall show this thread to Bunnyboy.

I'm tired of us going around in circles when we do argue, and both falling into the same old behaviours. So is he. We do it less. But we still both think we could do better, and want to do better, so we have more peace more of the time. If one of us was an easy going, laid back type it would help. But neither of us is, so it just takes a bit more effort for us to keep things on an even keel. These issues have been present from well before my OCD sparked up too. We could do nothing, and still feel deeply in love and describe our relationship as great....but we can also make it even better.

[midnitebuterfly]

OK well, I am new here.. I have a boyfriend.. His name is Chris.. We have been together for 3 months.. And erm.. We have had like three major arguments.. But, we got through them.. I feel I am married to him and he feels the same.. It's kind of funny.. But, we both like to be in control.. LOL.. But, I say if you love someone then you can get through anything.. :Prays: thats true.. lmao..

 

I "was" reading the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.. Well, that book is erm crap.. I didn't understand one thing.. Other than men and women are totally different.. But anywho.. I hope to meet some nice people here and get good advice when needed..

 

TTFN Jenn

[swtbonita]

You know I think some couples fight alot because they don't know how to listen. You know it's easy to communicate your point across to the other person.. but that other person must also listen and repect that person's point of view.. When you have someone that listens to you and respects your opinion and takes your opinion into account. Things run more smoothly.

 

I know one couple.. my sister and her fiance (dating for 3 1/2yrs).. who fight almost every week and sometimes they try to involve me or one of my parents to figure out who is the person is right. My sister and her fiance always want they other to admit they are wrong.. and neither of them do.. they fight until the end.. and they have fought about the stupidest of things... and when they come across difficult situations they don't talk for days, they mouth off at each other and behind each others backs, and after that they talk and decide to forget the whole situation.

 

In my relationship, we never have fights because me and my bf don't like to fight.. my bf is a very good listener and always try to put himself in my situation.. He respects me and my opinions.. and I am the same with him.. we have been together for 2 1/2 years.. and we have never yelled at each other but we have come across many very difficult situations..

 

So I'm going to suggest a few things that I think people should do:

- people should not yell (talk in a calm voice)

- always listen to the other person, never ignore the problem because it will only build up and get worse

- never call each other names because you will regret it after

- try to discuss things in front of each other, not on the phone

- never fight about the little things because when it's already too late you will realize how stupid the fight was

- Discuss things thoroughly and explain how you feel vice versa

- Learn to say sorry for your mistakes because the other person might realize that they have made a mistake also. (depending on situation of course)

- realize that you can be wrong.

- try to understand the other persons situation.. put yourself in the other person feet

- Don't waste your life fighting when you could be enjoying the time you two have together, don't take each other for granted because they might not be there tomorrrow so why fight with them today.

 

I might not be a therapist, but its easy to see why couples fight when my sister fights with her fiance every week..

[Thinkalot]

Smart advice for sure.

 

My fiance and I get it right for a while, and every now and then lapse back into a bad pattern of arguing....same old roles being enacted again. Then we seem to regroup, agree on the groundrules once more...and away we go, with less arguing and more peace.

 

I wish sometimes it was easier for us to keep it on an even keel...but that's just the way it is with our personalities and the people we are at the moment. And it's getting easier as time goes on.

[Paradise]

I had my share of both. Once I had a relationship where we would just argue for sake of arguing. I've also had many relationships where we get along fine even though we disagree on issues. It all comes down to how two people want to interact in a relationship.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by Paradise

It all comes down to how two people want to interact in a relationship.

 

I would say it comes down to even more than that...because I can tell you my fiance and I 'want' to not argue! But something between us sparks, and sets the other off sometimes. It seems to take on a life of its own!

[Thinkalot]

Just wanted to add, my fiance has just come up with a new suggestion to help us get over arguments quickly...or avoid them.

 

Every time other one of us breaks one of our agreed upon groundrules...they have to drop and do 10 pushups.

 

We figure this will

a) help that person calm down

b) help the other person calm down and make them laugh

c) get the focus away from the issue, and ground us

d) make that person aware they just stepped over the line

 

Could be tricky...cos I guess 'stepping over the line' is a subjective thing. BUt we have discussed some pretty clear rules of behaviour. EG. I am NOT to chase him around the house insisting he speak, when he has requested we leave it till later.LOL! He is not to swear at me, when he is angry and has lost his temper...nor can he stomp away from all conflict without at least trying to talk for a little while.

 

So we'll see how we go.

 

We could end up with strong chests and arms!

[Paradise]

Originally posted by Thinkalot

I would say it comes down to even more than that...because I can tell you my fiance and I 'want' to not argue! But something between us sparks, and sets the other off sometimes. It seems to take on a life of its own!

You could argue the fact that it's more than that, but it's quite simple. If you're arguing even though you don't want to, that means that you want to still argue.

[Fayebelle]

My BF and I disagree often but rarely argue. Mainly b/c we respect each other enough to listen to what the other one says. Usually we can talk through issues but sometimes you have to know when to agree to disagree.

 

Another lesson a teacher gave me- You don't have to win an argument to be heard. If you resort to name calling or cursing you automatically lose b/c you obviously have no point to make. Remember to treat your loved ones with AT LEAST the courtesy you would afford a stranger. (it's amazing how many people will lash out at loved ones in a petty argument that would entice them to just walk away from a stranger)

 

Most of all if you do argue- kiss, make up, and leave it in the past. This will prevent many future arguments from ever getting started.

[pretty_petal]

bf and i haven't argued once in our 15 month relationship. we just have nothing to argue about. nothing. what do people argue about?

 

Actually... he nearly got angry once when an ex was brought up in conversation, but i just didn't reply cos i didn't want an argument. Apart from that, what is there to argue about? seriously...

[Matilda]

I know this a little old, but I kept meaning to respond but somehow didn't get a chance. My husband and I have been married for about 10 years, and very rarely fight. We are still very much in love, although we have had our ups and downs, our love has never wavered. I think our calm relationship is is due to several things:

 

1. We are both easy going, especially him, and like to keep things smooth. Neither of us likes to yell, and we both hate being yelled at.

 

2. We are very similar. We tend to think the same about most issues. In fact I really can't think of anything we disagree about.

 

3. When we first married, it used to drive me crazy that my husband would not get in an argument with me, ever. Even though I don't like a lot of drama, every now and then, I would try to pick a fight. Of course, it was over something stupid, like he didn't put something where I wanted him to put it, even though I had told him that's where I wanted it put. Well, because he would never get pulled into these petty arguments, I just stopped even getting upset about it. I finally realized it wasn't worth getting angry at him about. I will still fuss at him in my mind, but he is such a good husband otherwise, I don't think it's enough to get angry about.

 

4. And I guess this is related to #3, but I think it's about accepting him for who he is, and not getting obsessed with wishing he were something he is not. He is not a big talker, and sometimes I wish he was, but that's not who he is. I can either accept it, or not. I choose to accept, because he has so many other good qualities.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks Matilda. That acceptance point is crucial, and something I am working on.