Eternal Sunshine Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Around my heart... I honestly do not see myself ever opening up to someone again. This took too much out of me and I do not want to be vulnerable like that. The more time goes by, the more sure of this I am. I just want to have flings for the rest of my life. I am not a "numerous serous relationships" person. I don't see how others do it. How do you promise forever again knowing how meaningless it was the first time around? All "I deeply love yous" didn't meant c... 1
jerbear Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 (edited) Take a look at philosophical points of view, Freud and I think Nietzsche. Freud advocated less risk by spreading your attention among many, in your case flings. The breakup pains will be non-existent but the rewards just flings. No substance in the relationship. Nietzsche advocated intense resources and attention toward a single person, putting your eggs in one basket then doing it again. Heal then do it again. The pain will be intense and deep but the rewards high. There is substance in the relationship. Edited March 26, 2012 by jerbear LS had a problem 1
Kamille Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Loss is a part of life. You can live your life in fear, trying to exhort control over future sorrow by closing yourself off. Or, you can believe in your own strength, in your capacity to overcome obstacles. You can develop the coping mechanisms that will lead you to live a fuller life. In my view, a life spent trying to avoid pain is less fulfilling than one with love and loss. ETA: Guess I'm an ubermensch . 4
wilsonx Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I understand enternal sunshine. Its a tough world to live in!
wibe Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I understand enternal sunshine. Its a tough world to live in! Yes it is tough but we have this forum and the life should be easier. Wibe
johan Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 The scars do build up, ES. It does get to be harder to invest in anyone, even though the desire never really goes away. It would be much easier if you could be objective about what happened. But you never can, and that's where the scars come from. Mentally picking at the wound, instead of just letting it heal clean. 1
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 All the feelings you go through (in general, not just this moment) are feelings you need to go through. They are all valid. They can be tremendously intense and life altering. But they are feelings. Your issue, as I see it, is that you are almost always willing to invest 100% in whichever wave of emotion happens to be over you at any given moment, and to make moves and decisions based upon whatever the emotion happens to be. Having PMS or hurt pride seem to warrant just as much investment for you as something truly heartfelt, like this break up. You do this very consistently. Why not just have your feelings, sit with whatever they are for a time, and hold yourself back from defining your whole life and intentions based upon whatever the feeling du jour happens to be? Until / unless you will try to have some discipline about doing that, I'm afraid your personal / emotional life will just be a sad, superficial quagmire forever. I really don't read you as any more emotional or sensitive than many of the rest of us, just more self indulgent about the way you feel. Letting this define your life forever would be a terrible waste for you. 1
Anela Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I've been feeling that way, too - only I just wanted those feelings to go away completely. As soon as someone starts to flirt with me, on the rare occasion, I start to shut down and back off. 1
wilsonx Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I've been feeling that way, too - only I just wanted those feelings to go away completely. As soon as someone starts to flirt with me, on the rare occasion, I start to shut down and back off. Means they aren't the right person! Its a self defense mechanism from keeping you from leaping without looking again
EgoJoe Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 "People need to stop feeling sorry for themselves and realize how lucky they are..." I'd agree if I didn't smell self-righteous socialist hipster garbage.
carhill Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 If you're a fling/STR person, go with that. If you're a LTR/M person, you'll just end up fighting yourself if you exclude that path. You know what type of person you are and what you want out of relationships. Whatever choice you make, go in with open eyes and accept the results. Good luck.
EgoJoe Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I apologized for this post in another thread. I communicated my point awfully. Well, now I have to find another source of hot air for my self-righteous hipster sail.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Why not just have your feelings, sit with whatever they are for a time, and hold yourself back from defining your whole life and intentions based upon whatever the feeling du jour happens to be? Thats not romantic for many people, including her. Some people just dont want to hold back, because they think they could never have the feelings if they dont feel them right from the start. Some people dont want to handle their emotions, they just want to enjoy riding them out, they dont want to have self control. Its foolish ignorance, because it doesnt require actual thinking. Let her keep making the same mistakes, she doesnt want to hear that she has to ***GASP*** change something. 1
jennisfora Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 sooner or later, one has to realize that the only changes that can be made are to the only person you have any control over...yourself. isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over? Might be good for this person to try some short flings that don't have deep meaning. that might be what they need at this time in their life. Bitterness doesn't go away overnight, maybe some time being single, and experiencing some not so serious relationships are the answer for now.
Frank13 Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I am just going to tell it how it is. You know what you are? You are a coward. A quitter. Sometimes being a winner is knowing when to quit. 1
pteromom Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 How do you promise forever again knowing how meaningless it was the first time around? All "I deeply love yous" didn't meant c... 1. You get to know YOURSELF. Love yourself. Trust yourself. Know that no matter what happens or what other people do, you are ok and will be fine. 2. You don't hand your heart to someone. They have to earn it. They earn it through showing you love, showing they are trustworthy, and showing that they value you. Good sex does NOT equal love and it does not make someone worthy of owning your heart. 3. While you are getting to know someone, you pay attention to those red flags. Do not base whether to continue your relationship on pure emotion. As Dr. Phil says, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. If they regularly say or do things that leave you feeling sad, confused, or insecure, they are NOT the one for you. Don't keep fighting to make it fit when it doesn't fit. Walk away and move on to the next possibility. So what do you do? Be yourself. Do the things you love to do. Laugh at what you think is funny. Say what's in your heart. Be you, no apologies. The people who are compatible to you and who are on the same wavelength as you will be drawn to that. It will always reduce the numbers in the dating pool when you are really yourself and not willing to put on a mask to be whoever the next hot guy wants, but it will make a huge difference in QUALITY. Flings aren't the answer. You can get into a sexual relationship with someone thinking you are tough enough to get what you want and get out, then next thing you know, you are sitting at home crying wondering why he won't love you. Don't subject yourself to that. Make sure a guy is worthy FIRST! And if you want to do any one-nighters while you are looking for Mr. Right, make sure they are guys outside your circle who will truly only be one-nighters. 3
EgoJoe Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 And if you want to do any one-nighters while you are looking for Mr. Right, make sure they are guys outside your circle who will truly only be one-nighters. 'cus "Mr. Right" doesn't need to know the truth, he'll figure it out when it comes across your baggage and throws you out with it.
CaliBabe Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 1. You get to know YOURSELF. Love yourself. Trust yourself. Know that no matter what happens or what other people do, you are ok and will be fine. 2. You don't hand your heart to someone. They have to earn it. They earn it through showing you love, showing they are trustworthy, and showing that they value you. Good sex does NOT equal love and it does not make someone worthy of owning your heart. 3. While you are getting to know someone, you pay attention to those red flags. Do not base whether to continue your relationship on pure emotion. As Dr. Phil says, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. If they regularly say or do things that leave you feeling sad, confused, or insecure, they are NOT the one for you. Don't keep fighting to make it fit when it doesn't fit. Walk away and move on to the next possibility. So what do you do? Be yourself. Do the things you love to do. Laugh at what you think is funny. Say what's in your heart. Be you, no apologies. The people who are compatible to you and who are on the same wavelength as you will be drawn to that. It will always reduce the numbers in the dating pool when you are really yourself and not willing to put on a mask to be whoever the next hot guy wants, but it will make a huge difference in QUALITY. Flings aren't the answer. You can get into a sexual relationship with someone thinking you are tough enough to get what you want and get out, then next thing you know, you are sitting at home crying wondering why he won't love you. Don't subject yourself to that. Make sure a guy is worthy FIRST! And if you want to do any one-nighters while you are looking for Mr. Right, make sure they are guys outside your circle who will truly only be one-nighters. I could not have said this better myself. And it is 100% correct that great sex does not equal love. I am currently trying to mend my heart from a fling I had after my breakup. It stings but I have been a month NC. Don't do it to yourself. I will never allow this to happen again. They need to EARN your love. I learned that the hard way.
gibson Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 (edited) Eternal, I've seen many of your posts and threads over the last several years and based on those... You have the exact love life that you want. 2nd date with a French male model OMG that you posted about is yet another example of you chasing emotionally unavailable men, men that are not interested in you aside from sex (you said so about this French Model guy in the first sentence of your post), men that treat you like crap, men that abuse you, "fixer uppers", etc. Men of quality, substance, character, morals, values, etc. who want what you want (Long Term Relationship, love, marriage, kids, etc.) don't generally hang out or gravitate to clubs, bars or associate with your type of "friends" in search for those things. Maybe you should think of changing the formula (what you do for fun, get some new quality "friends", where you hang out at, the type of people you associate with, bars, clubs, etc.) so that you get a different result. Otherwise, all you are going to do is keep repeating your last two Exes and your French Male Model experience over and over and over and over again. You have the exact love life that you want. If you are not happy with your love life... You should become the person you want to be and be the person you are trying to attract. Edited March 26, 2012 by gibson 2
jennisfora Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 i read somewhere, done so much reading lately that it all runs together, that commitment phobics tend to be attracted to other commitmentphobics. And women who are commitmentphobics tend to pick people they subconciously know won't work out, or who have similar issues. food for thought. also, people with self esteem issues gravitate toward others with self esteem issues.
leoc1973 Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I see where you are coming from tho. When I love I love forever! I really take time to pick a partner, she has to be perfect so I do end up giving my whole entire heart. If someone tells you move on get over it grow up then they have never TRUELY been in love! I know I am a hopeless romantic but some day I will find that girl who gives me her entire heart in return for mine. 2
jennisfora Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 leoc, im looking for the same thing, only in a guy.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 You are right about me needing not to indulge into every emotion. I am working on it in therapy but it's a slow process. I am afraid I gave in and contacted my ex. I wish he was there for me as a friend. Unlike many of you here, I don't want my ex back. Yes, I did love him - but he has a strong cruel, brutal streak that borders on abuse together with some other deeper incompatibilities. Despite all my faults, I can't live with that. He doesn't want me back either so I don't see why we can't have a light friendship. Anyhow, I told him how I feel, like I almost wish our relationship never happened and that my walls are up higher than ever before. He responded and told me that the worst thing anyone can do is lock themselves away to prevent pain, that I should embrace all life fully, pleasure and pain and blah blah blah. I feel no better or worse for the contact. You are supposed to feel a lot worse after breaking NC. I just don't and feel like perhaps a traditional model of strict NC doesn't work for me. In the past, I got over men much easier when they agreed to stay friends and then we would slowly fade from each other's life. My ex gets profoundly disturbed with each contact and I am trying to respect his wishes. I know I had minor slips - but I went 20 days with NC before this.
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