sea shells Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 What does it necessarily mean when a man continues to continuously talk to you day after day all day for months, but no intention of having a relationship at the moment? Ive been talking with this man since around summer time (no sex or anything of that sort at all, strictly talking, teasing, gifts, etc) but I dont know if its healthy for me to continue this 'friendship.' I know better than to ask for a label or a commitment right from the get go, but how long is too long to be emotionally invested in someone who isnt interested in being more than friends as a label? Is it just a commitment phobia, or am I being played?
jerbear Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Sounds like the conversations were good. It also might be an emotional affair?
Author sea shells Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 nah, his last relationship was about a year and some change ago and is currently 'single' or whatever we are
jerbear Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 No, he might be having emotional affair with you. EA's don't require being in a relationship. I wouldn't say the person is a commitmentphobe. You might be being played but who knows about months without a blip of labels. The daily talks could be him being friendly. Did you two ever have lunch, dinner, meet in person before?
Author sea shells Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 Hmm, I guess Im not familiar then with what exactly an emotional affair is.. Embarrassingly enough, I met him online and no we havent met up. It wasnt a dating service or anything of that sort, but emails were exchanged and its been texting, chatting, videochat, phone, mail, etc since then. Im okay with taking things slow, Im just fearful of one day being told "oh hey I met this great girl today!" or something, and I would have no right since we technically werent labeled an item. Hes not the type to do that though from what I know, but thats what confuses me..what exactly am I to him if he acts like he cares so much but yet coming out now and saying he shouldnt progress but wants my company??
Million.to.1 Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 You haven't meet yet? Why would you considering a relationship with someone you haven't even met? If you are happy to continue an weird virtual world friendship with him, do it. If not, then stop. What are you getting out of it? I would put money down that he is in a relationship and you are serving as an EA as stated above.
jerbear Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Hmm, I guess Im not familiar then with what exactly an emotional affair is.. Embarrassingly enough, I met him online and no we havent met up. It wasnt a dating service or anything of that sort, but emails were exchanged and its been texting, chatting, videochat, phone, mail, etc since then. Im okay with taking things slow, Im just fearful of one day being told "oh hey I met this great girl today!" or something, and I would have no right since we technically werent labeled an item. Hes not the type to do that though from what I know, but thats what confuses me..what exactly am I to him if he acts like he cares so much but yet coming out now and saying he shouldnt progress but wants my company?? An emotional affair is a relationship without the sex. Sounds like you are in a Long Distance Relationship (LDR). Yes you might be told "oh hey I met this great girl...!" With LDR's, you have implicit trust and don't know who they really are. Facade or fake or whatever. Keeps each other's heart protected but options open. Like have your cake and eat it too. Have you two set a time to meet in person? Words are just that, you could fall in love with words, chat, video chat, hear each others voice inflections; but physical chemistry is required. When you bring up meeting, is he wishy washy?
Author sea shells Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 well of course i wouldnt want to call it a relationship before weve met, but thats the thing--Id like to know that theres a chance, and that meeting up would be worked toward, you know what I mean? It would pretty much be the next step
jerbear Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 well of course i wouldnt want to call it a relationship before weve met, but thats the thing--Id like to know that theres a chance, and that meeting up would be worked toward, you know what I mean? It would pretty much be the next step There is a chance but you two have to set a date and work toward it along the way. Don't ignore the red flags that appear when you converse with him prior to that time. Don't worry about canceling the meeting if something bothers you. It is an "open" LDR then, maybe penpal benefits. My question is, any phone/video sex? If so it might be more EA and played versus moving forward.
Author sea shells Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 Thanks for the definition, its kind of funny how there truly are labels for everything-- In terms of meeting up, I havent technically DIRECTLY asked because Ive felt that it should be the guy thing to do. However, indirectly yes and Id say the answer to wishywashyness is both yes and no. Im in the US and he in Canada, and we've done tons of research on getting a visa to come here. His plan/goal is to move here to both work and finish his degree. Unfortunately its been seemingly impossible to figure out the visa business and hes figuring it out as he can. He said he wasn't interested in just a visit, that he would want to move. Hes at a point at trying to figure out his life at the moment too, so that could be another factor?
jerbear Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Thanks for the definition, its kind of funny how there truly are labels for everything-- In terms of meeting up, I havent technically DIRECTLY asked because Ive felt that it should be the guy thing to do. However, indirectly yes and Id say the answer to wishywashyness is both yes and no. Im in the US and he in Canada, and we've done tons of research on getting a visa to come here. His plan/goal is to move here to both work and finish his degree. Unfortunately its been seemingly impossible to figure out the visa business and hes figuring it out as he can. He said he wasn't interested in just a visit, that he would want to move. Hes at a point at trying to figure out his life at the moment too, so that could be another factor? The world is full of labels, some $10 labels only a select few understand and $1 labels were everyone understands. I see this as a red flag, that he wants to get a permanent resident. I am just speculating now. What is his residency status right now? I would visit before moving.
Author sea shells Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 well my real question revolves around, when a guy says he enjoys your company but cant commit to more than friends, is that a true 'im not interested never will be' or just the whole 'i want to be free of responsibilities' guys like? I realize theres a lot of weird, nonaverage rs factors but Im trying to keep it focused a bit, haha No none of that, hes a real gentleman with me and were both a bit God conscience in a way. If I try to playfully give a nickname, it becomes uncomfortable and Im reminded of he cant afford to be more than friends. Hes Canadian, purely. He considered moving to a different part of Canada but now thinks moving to the US or another english speaking country would be a once in a lifetime, Im only young once, brand new beginning, sort of thing without the stifling of parents.
jerbear Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 well my real question revolves around, when a guy says he enjoys your company but cant commit to more than friends, is that a true 'im not interested never will be' or just the whole 'i want to be free of responsibilities' guys like? I realize theres a lot of weird, nonaverage rs factors but Im trying to keep it focused a bit, hahaUsually when I don't say it or say it. It means just that "free of responsibilities". It is sound like he wants to keep his options open, have his cake and eat it too. No none of that, hes a real gentleman with me and were both a bit God conscience in a way. If I try to playfully give a nickname, it becomes uncomfortable and Im reminded of he cant afford to be more than friends.Sounds like you have a pen pal friend. Hes Canadian, purely. He considered moving to a different part of Canada but now thinks moving to the US or another english speaking country would be a once in a lifetime, Im only young once, brand new beginning, sort of thing without the stifling of parents.Oh... running away is a bad thing. He is trying to explore the world. His intentions maybe gentlemanly but he seems noncommittal. I hope this helps?
Author sea shells Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 I must have read all the signals wrong these last 9months then. I figured if a guy invested so much of his time and effort into me, that he would be interested in more. I guess at this point I probably have to decide if I should end it or continue to be a 'pen pal' in hopes of something more. Which is usually a bad idea to have hope. From what I know, when hes committed, hes fully committed, and when hes not, hes not. But I guess he just wants to explore the world for now without the attachment. Who knows. Thanks--
jerbear Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I hope he is a graduate student and not a undergraduate. You two don't have a lot of interaction so only you can guess and he knows. If a guy spends that much time but does not commit, or just using words to win you over. There is something going on. Hope is eternal, hope is good to have; we're human.
Author sea shells Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 Well hes working right now and finishing degree on hold. Works in a court room on divorce files all day long..pretty depressing to hear about all the failing relationships all day long. yikes Ill have to sleep on the hope thing..choosing between hope and chances or the possibility of an aching heart and then feeling stupid about it because it was never 'real', just purely got to know someone on all other levels. thanks a ton for your feedback, it feels good to be heard =)
jerbear Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Well hes working right now and finishing degree on hold. Works in a court room on divorce files all day long..pretty depressing to hear about all the failing relationships all day long. yikes Depressing job to see the intense negatives everyday. Ill have to sleep on the hope thing..choosing between hope and chances or the possibility of an aching heart and then feeling stupid about it because it was never 'real', just purely got to know someone on all other levels.I know that feeling about aching hearts, heart break and depressed. Not easy to have hope get shattered and like you said. "feeling stupid about it because it was never 'real'". I've been there when I was in college. The difference I was in college, she was working and we've met. We also had phone sex so my situation was similar. thanks a ton for your feedback, it feels good to be heard =) You're welcome. Hopefully you stick around LS. I'm going to bed so ttyl
Thieves Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 (edited) well my real question revolves around, when a guy says he enjoys your company but cant commit to more than friends, is that a true 'im not interested never will be' or just the whole 'i want to be free of responsibilities' guys like? Sea shells, take it not only from me, but from several people on this forum: when a guy says anything in the form of "not being able to commit to more than friends", or "I want to be free of responsibilities", believe him. Take it at face value that he means what he says, and that it is best to move on if you wish to have something other than what he's willing to give. You're not his girlfriend, so it's not your job to look into what he "really" means. You also have to understand that someone can like talking or spending time with you, but still not want to make it serious. Why would a guy stick around for months upon months and spend time on you if he wasn't interested in taking it further? Well... why not? Especially if you're a nice-looking girl and fun to talk to? Everybody loves good company, romantic or not. Look at it this way, though: you're at a restaurant. You're hungry, and you really want to eat something as soon as you can, but obviously it's going to take a little while for the main course of dinner to be cooked and served to you. The main course is what you really want, but in the meantime, why not enjoy a nice appetizer to distract you and satisfy your hunger until the 'real thing' comes along? Do you see what I'm saying now? I take it that you two are young enough, and honestly, there is more to life than waiting around for someone to be real about how they feel for you. You may not think so at the moment, but you have so many other options and experiences ahead of you that if you think about it, it's actually really silly to sit by and wait for someone who is telling you in words that they don't want to get serious with you. If you don't want to take this man at his word, then realize that from then on your feelings are your own responsibility. What does that mean? That means that if you decide to stick around, you can't really blame him if things still don't turn out as you wish. Edited March 26, 2012 by Thieves
Author sea shells Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 Thieves--your response makes a lot of sense and I will take his words as is. On the other hand, his words of saying "i dont want to be more than friends" is so contradictory to action in my opinion. When I am just friends, I dont talk all day everyday, exchange work schedules, make sure to call up the second im off work, always have plans together, etc. I was also under the impression that most guys believe you cannot be friends with girls--that they tend to only talk with so much attention only if they are interested. My plan as of now is to pull away and to truly act like 'only friends' and not be so involved in each others lives. Even with my best female friends we catch up like twice a week, not every single day.
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