cflowers32 Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 And WHY, if he still loves me, why????? He's FORTY-TWO years old and he wants to see what his options are???? Maybe this will make me feel better if I take this route, at least I won't be beating him up with it face to face, but really Wayne???? You still live in a home that you cannot afford that has a mortgage with your X girlfriends name on it. She was older than me, you're FORTY TWO, what do you think your options are going to look like? At least I'm younger than you. We were very compatible, I don't get it. He also doesn't have a steady income, he works odd jobs, and I DO NOT THINK THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT MEN WHO MAY BE READING THIS, but I didn't and I know some other women may. What's out there Wayne???? What??? What??? Do you know I have an X from years ago, he's 48 now, and he's bumming about us not seeing each other any more. Wayne, I DO NOT want that to be us. I really love you still... now. I don't know how much space you're going to need, but don't wait to long... I'm telling you, he made a mistake, and PS - Please just let me head vomit here, it's better here on this site than calling him, emailing him, texting him and sharing this with him. And why are we all torturing ourselves with this NC thing? I know we NEED to, but what is going on for the otherside that says "I miss you too, but I don't know what I need right now????" Honey!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE FORTY TWO, we could have worked together, and for $*&)* sake, I DON'T WANT TO DATE ANY MORE!!!!!!!!! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!! Anyway, it's been all day, and yesterday, no talking, so texting. The very last thing I said to him was "I didn't want to lose you." Why????
travelbug1996 Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 The problem is that he has to feel the same way you do but he doesn't. He has a right to his feelings and you have to accept that. I would suggest that you move forward whether you want to or not. Hard pill to swallow I know but you can't be in a relationship by yourself.
Author cflowers32 Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 The problem is that he has to feel the same way you do but he doesn't. He has a right to his feelings and you have to accept that. I would suggest that you move forward whether you want to or not. Hard pill to swallow I know but you can't be in a relationship by yourself. I really just needed to vent that since I won't be calling him with all that nonsense. I get all that travel, I do. I don't like it, but I get it.
christine393 Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Be strong! He isn't even looking for someone else! He just isn't happy with his life at the moment. Nothing to do with you. I know from experience that when a guy say something like that, it means he needs to figure out his own stuff. NO CONTACT! In a few months, even if he doesn't contact you, he will realize that he lost an amazing woman. The grass isn't greener buddy! 1
mike588 Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I really just needed to vent that since I won't be calling him with all that nonsense. I get all that travel, I do. I don't like it, but I get it. Vent all you want..it's ok. My ex. and I are also 42...she dumped me for her ex. after we dated for a year. It's not my opinion that he's not right for her...she told me MANY times that he's not yet she keeps going back....3rd time now. I was a wreck when she dumped me....especially after I took care of her for a week after she had surgery...I felt so betrayed..so HURT!! I sooooo wanted to contact her ..to tell her she's making a mistake but I followed the advise from some great people here and went strict No Contact. Looking back on it now I'm so glad I did...she knows/knew how I felt about her..how much I loved her...she doesn't need to be reminded. I just let her go...no need to contact her....there is nothing I could of said to change things. 6 months later...she's contacting me. 1
blindesided Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Wow - I don't know exactly how I stumbled upon this forum but after days of researching how to get over a break-up - I finally found a site that seems to have current posts. Your stories sound so similar to mine! I am recently divorced (17yrs of marriage) with an 12yr old (ex husband cheated & had drinking problem) I thought I was over the divorce so - Met a guy 6mos ago & we clicked immediately. He is a few years younger than me - I am 38 - he is 35 & never married (he was engaged - broke up a year ago) & never had kids. I thought we had a great time together - nothing was "defined" I wasnt ready for something super-serious. He did meet my son & family & everyone really liked him. He is a super great guy - we never had an argument - he was always so sweet to me & my son - gifts here & there - he always knew when I had my son (week on/week off with his dad) even before I knew sometimes. Always e-mailed or called to make plans - we were together almost every night the weeks when I didnt have my son. The weeks I did - he maybe would come over for dinner once a week. Everything seemed so perfect - it was exactly the "relationship" I was looking for at this time. Well then a few weeks ago - out of the blue - he drops a bomb on me - he said he cant see a future with me - just "wasnt feeling it" & he would love to remain friends. He wants to find his "soul mate" & have kids someday. (This was after I told him I was falling for him one night in the heat of the moment) That night I didnt say much (I was too much in shock) I texted him a few days later to clear the air - I told him I wasnt "in love" with him & wasnt looking for anything more serious than it was. He seemed so happy to hear me say that & ended up staying the night & I thought things were back to the way they were. Fast forward 2 weeks - he is getting a little distant & I can sense things arent right - Again another bomb dropped - he met a girl & took her out & wants to be fair to me - he says he isnt good at dating more than one person. I tried to give him some of his stuff back - but he just said no - since we will still be seeing each other ??? Even though I made it out to seem I would be ok with being "friends" I just dont think it will work right now - I have too strong of feelings for him. I have been keeping LC & I have to see him this week (we have concert tickets) I am both dreading & looking forward to it. I think that night I am going to tell him I cant do the "friends" thing & I need time to get over him. Hopefully I can be strong and go NC - I am glad to have found this forum to post & come too because I know it will be hard. This breakup almost seems more painful than my divorce & I dont know if it is because I was "rejected" or I truly am fooling myself & I was in love with him
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Wow - I don't know exactly how I stumbled upon this forum but after days of researching how to get over a break-up - I finally found a site that seems to have current posts. Your stories sound so similar to mine! I am recently divorced (17yrs of marriage) with an 12yr old (ex husband cheated & had drinking problem) I thought I was over the divorce so - Met a guy 6mos ago & we clicked immediately. He is a few years younger than me - I am 38 - he is 35 & never married (he was engaged - broke up a year ago) & never had kids. I thought we had a great time together - nothing was "defined" I wasnt ready for something super-serious. He did meet my son & family & everyone really liked him. He is a super great guy - we never had an argument - he was always so sweet to me & my son - gifts here & there - he always knew when I had my son (week on/week off with his dad) even before I knew sometimes. Always e-mailed or called to make plans - we were together almost every night the weeks when I didnt have my son. The weeks I did - he maybe would come over for dinner once a week. Everything seemed so perfect - it was exactly the "relationship" I was looking for at this time. Well then a few weeks ago - out of the blue - he drops a bomb on me - he said he cant see a future with me - just "wasnt feeling it" & he would love to remain friends. He wants to find his "soul mate" & have kids someday. (This was after I told him I was falling for him one night in the heat of the moment) That night I didnt say much (I was too much in shock) I texted him a few days later to clear the air - I told him I wasnt "in love" with him & wasnt looking for anything more serious than it was. He seemed so happy to hear me say that & ended up staying the night & I thought things were back to the way they were. Fast forward 2 weeks - he is getting a little distant & I can sense things arent right - Again another bomb dropped - he met a girl & took her out & wants to be fair to me - he says he isnt good at dating more than one person. I tried to give him some of his stuff back - but he just said no - since we will still be seeing each other ??? Even though I made it out to seem I would be ok with being "friends" I just dont think it will work right now - I have too strong of feelings for him. I have been keeping LC & I have to see him this week (we have concert tickets) I am both dreading & looking forward to it. I think that night I am going to tell him I cant do the "friends" thing & I need time to get over him. Hopefully I can be strong and go NC - I am glad to have found this forum to post & come too because I know it will be hard. This breakup almost seems more painful than my divorce & I dont know if it is because I was "rejected" or I truly am fooling myself & I was in love with him ...you were rejected and still going to a concert with this guy??? Take your ticket and give it to a friend or something. You cannot deal with being friends with this fickle man. He had no problem throwing down with you in the bedroom, but when you told him your feelings he blacked off? What a sissy of a man. Throw that fish back. Can't be friends with a dude you have feelings for--does he think he will be able to tell you how much he's falling for the next girl? Think about it. 1
sweetheart5381 Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Wow - I don't know exactly how I stumbled upon this forum but after days of researching how to get over a break-up - I finally found a site that seems to have current posts. Your stories sound so similar to mine! I am recently divorced (17yrs of marriage) with an 12yr old (ex husband cheated & had drinking problem) I thought I was over the divorce so - Met a guy 6mos ago & we clicked immediately. He is a few years younger than me - I am 38 - he is 35 & never married (he was engaged - broke up a year ago) & never had kids. I thought we had a great time together - nothing was "defined" I wasnt ready for something super-serious. He did meet my son & family & everyone really liked him. He is a super great guy - we never had an argument - he was always so sweet to me & my son - gifts here & there - he always knew when I had my son (week on/week off with his dad) even before I knew sometimes. Always e-mailed or called to make plans - we were together almost every night the weeks when I didnt have my son. The weeks I did - he maybe would come over for dinner once a week. Everything seemed so perfect - it was exactly the "relationship" I was looking for at this time. Well then a few weeks ago - out of the blue - he drops a bomb on me - he said he cant see a future with me - just "wasnt feeling it" & he would love to remain friends. He wants to find his "soul mate" & have kids someday. (This was after I told him I was falling for him one night in the heat of the moment) That night I didnt say much (I was too much in shock) I texted him a few days later to clear the air - I told him I wasnt "in love" with him & wasnt looking for anything more serious than it was. He seemed so happy to hear me say that & ended up staying the night & I thought things were back to the way they were. Fast forward 2 weeks - he is getting a little distant & I can sense things arent right - Again another bomb dropped - he met a girl & took her out & wants to be fair to me - he says he isnt good at dating more than one person. I tried to give him some of his stuff back - but he just said no - since we will still be seeing each other ??? Even though I made it out to seem I would be ok with being "friends" I just dont think it will work right now - I have too strong of feelings for him. I have been keeping LC & I have to see him this week (we have concert tickets) I am both dreading & looking forward to it. I think that night I am going to tell him I cant do the "friends" thing & I need time to get over him. Hopefully I can be strong and go NC - I am glad to have found this forum to post & come too because I know it will be hard. This breakup almost seems more painful than my divorce & I dont know if it is because I was "rejected" or I truly am fooling myself & I was in love with him This sounds so familiar, uncanny. My ex is 47, 2 yrs out of a 23 year marriage. He pursued me for 7 months before I would go out on a date with him. He pushed commitment early to lock me down and I went with it, because he seemed genuine. We were together for 8 months committed. Out of the blue 2 months ago I got the "I want to break up" speech followed a half hr later with the "I just need space, I don't know what I want, I don't want to leave you waiting for me." And yet he wanted me to wait for him yet again and I could not do it. I went NC for 3 weeks, we were both pissed off at one another for harsh words. He wants to be friends now, and says I should not feel any pain at all, he simply changed his mind. I personally don't know if I can do "friends", I would like to because I really value his friendship but I don't know if I can trust him again to not play the same game. As the saying goes, "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me."
blindesided Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Absolutely I dont want to hear about his dates & any girl he "falls for" Thats why I cant be friends with him right now (or maybe never - only time will tell) I believe his intentions were not to "hurt" me & quite honestly if the tables were turned & he told me he was "falling for me" I mightve been the one to run (or not) thats the confusing part of this - I dont know what my true feelings are & wondering how much is clouded in the "you want what you cant have" mentality. As far as the concert - I do want to go - mostly I like the band & we do get along like peas & carrots when we are together. I think I can handle a few hours of seeing him & then start the true healing process after this last event. After the first "breakup" we had a few other events we attended together -sports events & shows - it wasnt awkward at all - it just felt like it always did. There is no anger towards him on my part - He truly is a great guy & he does deserve to find the one that makes him happy & have kids (which I dont want any more) - I get where he is coming from - I am not the "one" for him - nor did I think he was the "one" for me - I wasnt even looking that far into the future after getting out of a 17yr marriage last year. We just had great chemistry & companionship
jennisfora Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 i'm struggling too. it sucks because you'd think more communication would resolve things, but in this case it makes it worse. If you try to convince the person they made a mistake and to give a second chance you come off desperate and needy which is not attractive, yet not contacting them at all seems to suggest you don't care and don't want them. Low Contact, may work for some, but for me, i ended up saying things i wish i hadn't. .so, for now i am going no contact for my sanity so i dont come off crazy. my emotions seem stable, but a text from him is enough to send me into a tizzy. so i think we both agreed not to contact. i am pretty sure i wont hear from him in quite a while, which makes me sad, and at the same time is kinda a relief, because i know i wont be a mess. i miss him so much, but i know he is scared. i dont know if he will be back, and i know i cant wait for him. ive got to get my house in order, and hopefully he will get his, and maybe someday we can be friends. i'd be willing to do one more chance with him, but he would have to agree to counselling with me, as a sign of willingness to actually work on our communication and his commitment anxiety. i am aware most likely i will never have to worry about having this conversation, as i doubt he will be back. or back in time for me to give a crap. 1
blindesided Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 This sounds so familiar, uncanny. My ex is 47, 2 yrs out of a 23 year marriage. He pursued me for 7 months before I would go out on a date with him. He pushed commitment early to lock me down and I went with it, because he seemed genuine. We were together for 8 months committed. Out of the blue 2 months ago I got the "I want to break up" speech followed a half hr later with the "I just need space, I don't know what I want, I don't want to leave you waiting for me." And yet he wanted me to wait for him yet again and I could not do it. I went NC for 3 weeks, we were both pissed off at one another for harsh words. He wants to be friends now, and says I should not feel any pain at all, he simply changed his mind. I personally don't know if I can do "friends", I would like to because I really value his friendship but I don't know if I can trust him again to not play the same game. As the saying goes, "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." Is he trying to tell you how to feel? How can he tell you that you shouldnt feel pain! It is painful to lose someone you shared every day things with. Thats the hardest part - getting into a new routine without him. I would also like to do the "friend" thing but like you - not sure that will work - I will miss his company but I also cant be on this roller coaster of emotions waiting for him to call - wondering if he is with someone else & is that why he isnt calling me to hang out. I think in the long run - it is less painful to me to lose the friendship.
Author cflowers32 Posted March 26, 2012 Author Posted March 26, 2012 I think tomorrow will be a better day. I'll be at work all day, I can hopefully make some plans, get to bed, go to sleep and then that will be one day. I can do this, I've done it before, it sucked the last time, and I know it's best. PS - I did break down though. I posted about it, I just need closure without him to "not wanting to hurt you/me". Everyone gets it and it's going to help me more.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 i'm struggling too. it sucks because you'd think more communication would resolve things, but in this case it makes it worse. If you try to convince the person they made a mistake and to give a second chance you come off desperate and needy which is not attractive, yet not contacting them at all seems to suggest you don't care and don't want them. Low Contact, may work for some, but for me, i ended up saying things i wish i hadn't. .so, for now i am going no contact for my sanity so i dont come off crazy. my emotions seem stable, but a text from him is enough to send me into a tizzy. so i think we both agreed not to contact. i am pretty sure i wont hear from him in quite a while, which makes me sad, and at the same time is kinda a relief, because i know i wont be a mess. i miss him so much, but i know he is scared. i dont know if he will be back, and i know i cant wait for him. ive got to get my house in order, and hopefully he will get his, and maybe someday we can be friends. i'd be willing to do one more chance with him, but he would have to agree to counselling with me, as a sign of willingness to actually work on our communication and his commitment anxiety. i am aware most likely i will never have to worry about having this conversation, as i doubt he will be back. or back in time for me to give a crap. What's so special about a guy who dumps you? If a guy does that to me, I don't like him anymore. Love yourself enough to know you don't want to take back a dude with poor judgment;) Food for thought:)
sweetheart5381 Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I think tomorrow will be a better day. I'll be at work all day, I can hopefully make some plans, get to bed, go to sleep and then that will be one day. I can do this, I've done it before, it sucked the last time, and I know it's best. PS - I did break down though. I posted about it, I just need closure without him to "not wanting to hurt you/me". Everyone gets it and it's going to help me more. Yes, we get it Flowers, even if he doesn't. His loss. You are not alone here at all
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I think tomorrow will be a better day. I'll be at work all day, I can hopefully make some plans, get to bed, go to sleep and then that will be one day. I can do this, I've done it before, it sucked the last time, and I know it's best. PS - I did break down though. I posted about it, I just need closure without him to "not wanting to hurt you/me". Everyone gets it and it's going to help me more. Geez, I hope so. I have never known breaking NC to get closure could be helpful. I really do hope it helped you. But I cringed when I saw that post because I know full well what that feeling is like. With my recent ex, though, that urge to call him never came over me because he was Jeckyll and Hyde. But in the past, I have caved in and called ex boyfriends only to be treated coldly and I would have to start the NC all over again. Hope you are in a better place now. You don't need an indecisive man.
sweetheart5381 Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Is he trying to tell you how to feel? How can he tell you that you shouldnt feel pain! It is painful to lose someone you shared every day things with. Thats the hardest part - getting into a new routine without him. I would also like to do the "friend" thing but like you - not sure that will work - I will miss his company but I also cant be on this roller coaster of emotions waiting for him to call - wondering if he is with someone else & is that why he isnt calling me to hang out. I think in the long run - it is less painful to me to lose the friendship. Yes, painful to be sure. We work together so we see each other everyday. We share all the same friends. Being friends would be easier for everyone involved but me. I personally dont care if he is with another woman, he told me all through the "relationship" of all the other women he wanted to sleep with at work. When I got upset about it he blamed it on me for being insecure. I can totally understand the roller-coaster feeling, I actually refer to it as a Merry-Go-Round... up and down, round and round. Head is spinning at the end! Do your best to get him out of your mind... he chose to leave so let him go. I know, easier said than done. 1
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