How important is appearance? Am I being superficial?

[gotye]

oh gosh, I could never date a guy who I didn't find attractive... I mean, I have done it... many times... it didn't work. I learned from my past, just don't even go for that guy, because in the end you'll just want someone else.

[make me believe]

The smoking would be a dealbreaker for me, but the other stuff you are talking about... wow. When I read your first post I didn't think you were being too superficial, but now that you've expanded on his "flaws" I think you are. The guy needs to lose 10 lbs to have a perfectly flat stomach, and he dresses "too preppy" for you?? Geez. From your OP I was picturing a huge gut and rotting teeth. Not "10 pounds to lose for perfection, and a slight yellow tinge in some lighting." Yeah, if not having a perfectly flat stomach is a dealbreaker for you then you should quit seeing him. But why have you been dating him for four months if his looks are such a problem??

 

I feel bad for this guy. How would you feel if he was too embarrassed to introduce you to his friends because he didn't like your style of dress or thinks your thighs could use some toning up? If you need to change somebody in order to be attracted to them, mentally or physically, then he's NOT the person for you. But your standards do seem a little unrealistic.

[norajane]

And my friends are not at all judgmental. They are dying to meet him based on my descriptions. I've told them my reservations about him and they tell me I'm being silly and he sounds just wonderful. And they are certainly not the type to judge him based on appearance. So honestly, I need to just get over my hang ups.

 

I guess I was hoping people would tell me it was okay to change him - because I don't feel like it's okay.

 

The thing is - he is so beyond wonderful in so many ways. I've never met a man this open and honest or one that was so into me - he never shuts up about how beautiful he thinks I am. He tells me he misses me 5 minutes after he leaves. He wants to see me all the time. He texts me lines of poetry, for ciol. It's just insane. Maybe the fact that he is so great is what I'm afraid of rather than his appearance - I don' know. I do appreciate all the fabulous advice here. You guys are awesome (excluding, of course, the trolls).

 

How often do you meet men who are "beyond wonderful" and treat you like they believe you are beyond wonderful, too? If it's not often, then yes, get over your issues and let this wonderful man into your heart.

 

As for changes, I've found that men in love want to look good for their women. It doesn't have to be a big deal - as you said, some activities together and healthier dinners out will help with small weight issue, a simple "oh, your eyes look so wonderful in that blue shirt" and he'll be buying blue shirts until the stores run out of them, and leaving your Crest white strips out on the bathroom counter might be enough motivation or curiosity to get him started.

 

But even if none of those things happen, it would be a shame to walk away from a man who is beyond wonderful. At the end of the day, all that will matter is whether you feel beyond wonderful in each other's arms, not whether his preppy style matches your eclectic one. Vive la difference!

[blindesided]

I have to put my two cents in here. I married a man who I wasnt entirely physicallly attracted to. He was a bit on hte chubby side & his teeth were a little yellow. He did have beautiful eyes & the most hcarming personality. I overlooked his physical flaws...for a while. We were married for 17 years and towards the end - I just couldnt bear to be intimate with him anymore (partly due to his drinking everyday - which was a total turnoff) He also wasnt too into the "health" aspect and would drink & eat unhealthy - He had high blood pressure but refused to do anything about it. His sense of fashion wasnt that great either - no matter that I tried to buy him clothes - he wouldnt wear them - only tie-dyed shirts and gym shorts all the time. We are since divorced (for various reasons - other than just me not being attracted to him anymore) Now when I date - sadly I do have some criteria (nice dresser, physically fit...etc) that I look for in a guy. I know it sounds shallow & superficial but it is part of the entire package. I just think without some sort of physical attraction then its an uphill battle. I think those little flaws that you see in him right now & overlook can turn into huge problems later on. Its not fair to someone to try to change them - nor is it fair to be with someone when your heart isnt fully in it. You do sound though like you have an attraction to this guy. Sit down quiet somewhere & picture your life without him. And yes going out with someone based soley on looks isnt the answer either - I have done both sides of the coin & I would rather be with someone who has a better personality then some "male model" type who cant even carry on a conversation. Somewhere there is a middle road - no one is perfect - everyone has flaws & things they wish they could change about themselves - Its just asking yourself - does the good outweigh the bad?

[RiverRunning]

When I met my ex-boyfriend (and we eventually ended for reasons other than this), he definitely was NOT conventionally attractive. He was 5'5" (a few inches shorter than me), about 150 pounds (he wasn't fat, but he wasn't muscular - he was obviously the sort of guy who didn't get much exercise or much sunlight), and he was born with a port wine stain that covered most of the right hemisphere of his face. The latter especially was a turn-off to me, I'll admit - but mostly because I was 20 and, in my immaturity, was more concerned about what people would say/think about it.

 

In the nearly 4 years we were together, kids did sometimes say stuff ("He's got red on his face!") but I learned how to deal with that. And after we started dating...honestly, I never even really thought about it.

 

He was absolutely the hottest person to me in the world. It no longer mattered that he had a visible birthmark, that he was shorter, that he wasn't a very conventionally 'impressive' male specimen. He was gorgeous. Later on in our relationship, he put on 10 - 15 pounds. That extra weight he carried on his middle? I LOVED it. And this after a lifetime of dating thin guys. The thought of him even putting on a little bit more weight became a turn-on. I loved rubbing his belly.

 

The point being? You have the recipe for all of the other things that will make an awesome relationship. And I do think women, moreso than men, are able to let physical attraction develop and grow over time. Was the sex good? Did you enjoy it? Then maybe his looks aren't as much of a roadblock as you think they are.

 

And throw out whatever those around you say. Are they going to date him, kiss him, sleep with him? Then their opinions about him are irrelevant. Don't let anyone else color what you find beautiful.

[mickleb]

When I met my ex-boyfriend (and we eventually ended for reasons other than this), he definitely was NOT conventionally attractive. He was 5'5" (a few inches shorter than me), about 150 pounds (he wasn't fat, but he wasn't muscular - he was obviously the sort of guy who didn't get much exercise or much sunlight), and he was born with a port wine stain that covered most of the right hemisphere of his face. The latter especially was a turn-off to me, I'll admit - but mostly because I was 20 and, in my immaturity, was more concerned about what people would say/think about it.

 

In the nearly 4 years we were together, kids did sometimes say stuff ("He's got red on his face!") but I learned how to deal with that. And after we started dating...honestly, I never even really thought about it.

 

He was absolutely the hottest person to me in the world. It no longer mattered that he had a visible birthmark, that he was shorter, that he wasn't a very conventionally 'impressive' male specimen. He was gorgeous. Later on in our relationship, he put on 10 - 15 pounds. That extra weight he carried on his middle? I LOVED it. And this after a lifetime of dating thin guys. The thought of him even putting on a little bit more weight became a turn-on. I loved rubbing his belly.

 

The point being? You have the recipe for all of the other things that will make an awesome relationship. And I do think women, moreso than men, are able to let physical attraction develop and grow over time. Was the sex good? Did you enjoy it? Then maybe his looks aren't as much of a roadblock as you think they are.

 

And throw out whatever those around you say. Are they going to date him, kiss him, sleep with him? Then their opinions about him are irrelevant. Don't let anyone else color what you find beautiful.

 

Thoroughly beautiful post, River. Why I come here.