waiting4u Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Exactly how important are looks? I've been dating a guy for about four months now and we've just recently gotten a little more serious. By "dating" I mean we have drinks together after work and talk. I finally took the plunge and had sex with him a few weeks ago and since then he's been confessing that he's had a crush on me for a really long time, he's so into me - really heavy stuff. I think he's a sweetheart. We have a lot of common interests. I love hanging out with him. He's amazing in bed. He makes me laugh and makes me feel special and I really enjoy being with a man that is actually emotionally available and able to talk about how he feels. I like him. Here's the problem: I find him attractive in some ways, but he's definitely not conventionally handsome (not ugly, just average-looking) and he's sort of awkward in his mannerisms - kind of geeky. He doesn't really have a sense of style (although since we get together so much after work, I've mostly seen him in work clothes). He doesn't exercise (says he doesn't like it), and he could stand to lose about 10-15lbs around his middle. Furthermore, he smokes (which is not a deal breaker for me, as long as he does it outside) and he really needs to have his teeth whitened. He's got a great smile, but in the sunlight it's kind of yucky. I know all of this sounds superficial, but it bugs me. I'm in good shape and take good care of myself, watch what I eat, and like to express myself in the way I dress, in my tastes, etc. and my close friends are similar in temperament. I know he wants to be my boyfriend and has said the R word more than a few times recently, but these little things have been holding me back for some reason. I haven't introduced him to some of my close friends, for example, because of this. Am I being stupid and superficial? I mean, he's a great guy in every other way and these are just little external things. Honestly, it wouldn't take much for him to work out, watch what he eats a little better, whiten his teeth and get some female advice on how he dresses, but I don't think it's right to enter into a relationship wanting to change someone. It just seems like I would be insulting him to bring up these things. We have a great emotional connection and he's perfect for me in so many ways, but I feel sort of ashamed of him (and I'm ashamed of myself because of that). Do I need to end it? Is there any way I can tell him these things without hurting his feelings? Am I just a superficial b*tch?
Cracker Jack Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Looks are as important as you make them out to be. If you're really feeling ashamed, well, I don't see a point in continuing with him. I think if you continue to try with him, you'll likely find yourself resenting him and his "flaws" more and more down the line. That's just my opinion.
Author waiting4u Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 Uh, you guys don't like each other or something?
Author waiting4u Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 Another "I'm way too good for him" thread. Well that's not fair - if anything, he's way to good for me. I feel like sh ite that this stuff bothers me. He's a great guy. 1
USMCHokie Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Am I being stupid and superficial? In my opinion, not at all. Not even slightly. These are qualities and characteristics of his that are just as valid as his sense of humor or personality, and the things you've noted (icky teeth and lack of desire to exercise) reflect as much on his personality as his appearance. Clearly his values are not congruent with yours. You can try to "change" him, but if he doesn't want to improve himself with simple and BASIC things such as basic hygiene, grooming and fitness, then you're simply going to be unhappy as long as you're with him. I am beginning to absolutely hate how people look down so much on valuing one's own appearance and the appearance of people they are looking to date. I say it time and time again, but people hate on what they don't have...it's simply jealousy at its core. Easy LAUNCH... 1
USMCHokie Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Another "I'm way too good for him" thread. Yes, she exhibits qualities that are superior to that of the guy and feels that she rates better than him. Would you feel differently if the qualities weren't physical in nature? What if she came here saying he wasn't as funny or kind as she'd prefer...? What's the problem?
USMCHokie Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Looks are as important as you make them out to be. Looks are significantly more important than people are willing to admit... 2
EmpoweredWoman Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 You really do sound like a neurotic bitch. Don't you have any physical flaws? I bet you do, and I bet he overlooks them without giving it a second thought. Just ask him if steady sex from you is worth spending 2 hours in the mirror every day and getting some expensive, carcinogenic teeth dye to make his teeth artificially white, hopefully he'll boot you to the curb.
MrCastle Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 (edited) Nothing wrong with having certain standards, but my problem with this is that you've already slept with him. So obviously there is a level of physical attraction there. You even said he's amazing in bed. You mention though that you dont want to bring him around close friends? To me that's the problem. It comes across as you wanting a hot guy to show off to people instead of appreciating a quality guy you've already slept with, for fear of what others might think. And THAT is superficial, at least in my opinion. Edited March 25, 2012 by MrCastle 2
USMCHokie Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 You really do sound like a neurotic bitch. Don't you have any physical flaws? I bet you do, and I bet he overlooks them without giving it a second thought. Just ask him if steady sex from you is worth spending 2 hours in the mirror every day and getting some expensive, carcinogenic teeth dye to make his teeth artificially white, hopefully he'll boot you to the curb. I'll go ahead and address this general attitude towards OP... It's funny how people associate taking care of oneself with spending 2 hours in front of a mirror, going through expensive tooth whitening procedures, or spending hours a day in the gym. It only reflects those people's lack of taking care of themselves...because if they actually did know what it was like to truly take care of themselves, they'd know that it does not take 2 hours in front of the mirror or hours in the gym each day...and that only basic dental hygiene and checkups/cleanings are really needed to keep your teeth delightfully white... Again, jealousy at its core... 3
USMCHokie Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Nothing wrong with having certain standards, but my problem with this is that you've already slept with him. How is this a problem....? 1
bikinibeach Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Oh man... I have been there. It won't work out. It would put him on the spot to tell him in person, maybe send him an email telling him that the physical attraction just isn't there. He sounds gross. You don't have to feel bad. All these guys on here giving you grief, I'd like to seem them date Kristy Alley or Rosie O'Donnel with a smile on their face. Hypocrites! He will likely let himself go even further once he's in a relationship. Or he might be willing to put the same amt of effort into a relationship as he does in his appearance. Not seeking to better oneself is unattractive anyway. Dump him now!
MrCastle Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 How is this a problem....? that she claims she's not sure how she feels about him physically but has already put out? for me that's a problem.
EmpoweredWoman Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 I'll go ahead and address this general attitude towards OP... It's funny how people associate taking care of oneself with spending 2 hours in front of a mirror, going through expensive tooth whitening procedures, or spending hours a day in the gym. It only reflects those people's lack of taking care of themselves...because if they actually did know what it was like to truly take care of themselves, they'd know that it does not take 2 hours in front of the mirror or hours in the gym each day...and that only basic dental hygiene and checkups/cleanings are really needed to keep your teeth delightfully white... Again, jealousy at its core... The OP didn't say her suitor's teeth were black and rotten, she said they looked kind of yellow in the sun... Naturally, teeth have a slight tint, never flawlessly pearly white. There is no such thing as a person with natural hollywood-white teeth, it's just more glossy magazine crap for consumer sheep with low self-esteem like you to buy. The exercise thing I agree with the OP about, but being obsessed with the latest fashion and having the most perfect teeth is just so incredibly unmanly, a real sign of the times. If you find your value lies in what clothes you wear, or how artificially white your teeth are, then that's just the gaping black hole in the souls of you and the OP, your problem. How's your 40-something year old, overweight-with-kids girlfriend by the way?
Author waiting4u Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 USM - thanks for standing up for me a bit on this one. I agree that it doesn't take hours a day to take care of oneself. Mr. Castle - I think you've hit the nail on the head. Maybe I need to examine what's going on with my friends (in my head). The couple I am closest too (and who are dying to meet him) also know my ex-boyfriend. And there maybe something I'm trying to prove there - idk. Thanks for bringing that up.
USMCHokie Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 that she claims she's not sure how she feels about him physically but has already put out? for me that's a problem. With this line of logic, then you're insinuating that women cannot be emotionally/mentally attracted to a guy and want to sleep with him for that... 1
MrCastle Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 To be a little more clear on my position--if the thread was "theres a sweet guy who i connect with and who wants to date me, but im not sure if im attractec to him" my answer would be, understandable, you need that component to complete your level of attraction, if you dont find him physically attractive, then dont date him. that isnt what this is about, because the OP has already been intimate and credited the man for being good in bed. i'm with the belief that in order to sleep with someone and enjoy it, you have to be physically attracted to them. so that part isnt in question. what becomes the issue is the friend component; it sends a message like you want to impress your friends, as opposed to just being happy with who you have. by that theory, i'd find that to be superficial @op--thanks for understanding my position. trying to keep it civil here haha
Author waiting4u Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 Oh man... I have been there. It won't work out. It would put him on the spot to tell him in person, maybe send him an email telling him that the physical attraction just isn't there. He sounds gross. You don't have to feel bad. All these guys on here giving you grief, I'd like to seem them date Kristy Alley or Rosie O'Donnel with a smile on their face. Hypocrites! He will likely let himself go even further once he's in a relationship. Or he might be willing to put the same amt of effort into a relationship as he does in his appearance. Not seeking to better oneself is unattractive anyway. Dump him now! Wow, people really get riled up about these things. He is definitely not "gross." He's 6'3, has a nice face and lovely dark hair. He really only has maybe 10 lbs to lose - I just like a flat stomach. I don't look at him while we are making love and say "ewww" or have to keep my eyes closed or something. And I think I've mentioned several times what an amazing guy I think he is and how guilty I feel that these things bother me. I want this to work - I really do. I like him a lot. Idk - I guess I want somebody to tell me I can change these things a little? I have physical flaws - everyone does. This guy makes me happy. It's just that these things bug me and I'm a bit conflicted. I don't want to make that leap and call him my "boyfriend" until I'm absolutely sure he's the right one. I've been hurt bad in the past and don't want to hurt anyone else.
MrCastle Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 With this line of logic, then you're insinuating that women cannot be emotionally/mentally attracted to a guy and want to sleep with him for that... can anyone, man or woman, bang someone they didnt find physically attractive? from personal experience, you can stimulate my mind and heart all you want...if you cant stimulate the penis, we're a no go
USMCHokie Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 The OP didn't say her suitor's teeth were black and rotten, she said they looked kind of yellow in the sun... Naturally, teeth have a slight tint, never flawlessly pearly white. There is no such thing as a person with natural hollywood-white teeth, it's just more glossy magazine crap for consumer sheep with low self-esteem like you to buy. Just as there's a vast difference between black/rotten and white, there's also a pretty substantial difference between yellow and flawlessly pearly white... The exercise thing I agree with the OP about, but being obsessed with the latest fashion and having the most perfect teeth is just so incredibly unmanly, a real sign of the times. If you find your value lies in what clothes you wear, or how artificially white your teeth are, then that's just the gaping black hole in the souls of you and the OP, your problem. I feel that there's a difference between fashion and style...you can have plenty of style that fits you without going all out with the latest fashion...and often the latest fashion is pretty :sick:...and you can have white teeth without any artificial means... This just feels like another example of exaggeration because a hater's gonna hate... How's your 40-something year old, overweight-with-kids girlfriend by the way? Ended it this weekend...and she wasn't overweight. 1
USMCHokie Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 from personal experience... You're not a woman... But neither am I...but I've been around LS and the real world long enough to know that women can be aroused to have sex through non-physical stimuli...
MrCastle Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 You're not a woman... But neither am I...but I've been around LS and the real world long enough to know that women can be aroused to have sex through non-physical stimuli... You say on page one that looks are more important than people are willing to admit, now mental and emotional stimuli is enough for a woman to become sexually intimate with a partner. it's obvious we're not seeing eye to eye on this issue and i've already stated my opinion. not much more to say. we'll have to agree to disagree
Author waiting4u Posted March 25, 2012 Author Posted March 25, 2012 Why is everyone so angry around here? Goodness. I guess I feel these things are simple and I'm not sure if they should be deal breakers or not. I mean, crest white strips work well, I could take him hiking every weekend or we could do physical things together, and then there's the "It's arbor day, I bought you clothes" that was mentioned in another thread. But is it really right to be sneaky and change somebody? I guess for me it's a moral issue (as well as a problem with my friends - as i've mentioned). And I should say that I'm a bit attached to him. I don't want to dump him. But I'm embarrassed about my concern with his appearance. It's screwed up.
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