Byren Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 (edited) This is just a bit of a rant I guess, but I'd also like to ask if you guys ever become friends with your ex after leaving the relationship behind? I keep trying but every time I see mine I can't help but feel old wounds opening up again... Bit of back story - my ex and I broke it off almost 16 months ago, she was my first love and we had been dating for two years before it ended on good terms, though I've severely regretted the end. Since then she has been in another relationship (very recently ended... they were dating for almost a year) I haven't been in a relationship since her though, but I have dated one girl and slept with another.. still can't get over my ex though. Last night I went to a mutual friend's house party and she was there. I hadn't seen her since last June at another party, at which I ended up alone in a tent, crying. Pretty grim! Anyway, all last night she was being pretty touchy feely and we were getting on great. Towards the end of the evening I found her curled up in a bed and she invited me in, so I lay down next to her and cuddled her for a while. Whilst spooning her I noticed that when I put my head to the mattress I could hear her heart beat and it was really fast. I took the chance, looked into her eyes and then went in for a kiss. I got a little response but then she stopped, at which point I stopped and started rambling on drunkenly, spilling my guts about the whole thing and asking 'why aren't we together' etc. She was responding with stuff like 'it's too hard'... I can't actually remember much more she said, I was pretty wasted. Afterward I grabbed my sleeping bag and slept in it alongside her (didn't want her to feel like I was going to try anything under the duvet or something) Urgh, I wish I could just be around her without getting into this subject or wanting to cry. I still want to be with her so bad but I know that will most likely never happen again... and I definitely don't want to cut her from my life, she still means so much to me. How have you guys managed to remain friends with exes?? Edited March 25, 2012 by Byren
cflowers32 Posted March 25, 2012 Posted March 25, 2012 Unless they were total doucheb@gs, I have. For me though, once the hurt is over, and the longing, if they want the relationship, it's too late for me. I actually have a guy that I dated when I first started dating a few years ago (I was married, took a long break after my divorce before dating again), and he's doing this whole regret thing with me. I like to keep them friends because I don't see the point in hating each other. But I know what you mean. There is no way you could put me in the same room with my X RIGHT NOW and I would be okay with it. I so totally want to be with him, make out, blah, blah, blah...
flyman Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 Hey Byren, I was in a similar position as well. My ex and I broke up over a year ago. I was in a similar position. I used to tell myself (and friends) that we could be friends and everything. It is hard to imagine that special someone you use to be with is now a stranger. You can tell her that you want to be just friends, but if in your head you have a tiny tiny hope that you'd like to be with her again romantically. You are putting yourself in a vulnerable position. Even if you want to initiate a friendship, what if she doesn't want to? If you were over her entirely, it shouldn't really hurt. On the other hand, if you want to be friend with her because it is hard to let go. Trust me, you will end up hurting more than ever before. I have decided that it was time for the wound to fully heal. If you keep reopening the wound, when will you ever be truly happy? Best,
Million.to.1 Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 I honestly don't think you can be friends with an ex unless a long time has past. This is my experience anyway. You really need to reach a certain "indifference" before you can care about someone in a fresh way. If the relationship was fairly brief and neither party really fell "in love" then this maybe friendship can be found quicker. I think we always associate those lovely /safe relationship feelings with the last person we were with (the ex) untill you find it again with someone new. So untill the reasons are clear to you of why you are not together anymore, you feel totally Ok with those reasons and are happy with your life, single or in a new relationship then friendship with an Ex will ALWAYS be bitter-sweet. 1
Whisky1981 Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 You cant be friends with your exes. If you have feelings for her that are more then friendly then you shudnt stick around her. Out of sight out of mind. This is the only cure and find somebody new. Only a new love can destroy the feelings you had for an old one. I never spoke with more than a few minutes with my exes after the BU happened. Everything else is just you hurting yourself and you dont deserve this. 1
EgoJoe Posted March 26, 2012 Posted March 26, 2012 She still has very strong feelings for you that she has yet to come to terms with as well. Stay no contact and in the future, just play off the super emotional moments like whatever. I bet you she stopped but was waiting to be "convinced" to do it so she didn't have to say that she "threw herself at you" the next day. The pounding heart is a dead give away to unresolved feelings. The whole it's too hard thing is really complicated but I suspect she was telling the truth. "It's too hard to explain because I don't understand." Might have been what she was getting at. Stay NC for your own good. If she initiates, don't mention that night and just be 100% easygoing but NOT available. Post here with updates, rants, questions etc.
Author Byren Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 Cheers for the responses guys. Flyman, your situation sounds so similar to mine on all fronts... it's so hard, and you're right, there has always been a tiny glimmer of hope that I could be with her again. It's that which is probably the part that's keeping from being real friends with her again. I just want it to be like it was a couple of weeks before we got together all those years ago, I've never had a friend like that... EgoJoe, I hope you're right, it would be nice to know that she feels something close to how I feel. The fact that I wasn't HER first love and that she's had a lengthy relationship between us makes me feel otherwise though... this makes me feel the worst; that I'm probably not as important to her as she is to me. Ergh, enough self-loathing - Since seeing her I've spent so much time thinking about the relationship, the breakup and everything in between. I've also spent the past two nights since seeing her drinking myself to sleep and, of course, that isn't good. It feels as though I've broken up with her all over and I DO NOT want to go though that again. It's been over a year, this is not acceptable.
BewitchedandBothered Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 She knows you are hurting and she invited you in to lay with her? Very selfish on her part; looks like her ego needed stroking and you took the bait. NC unless you feel completely indifferent.
flyman Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 (edited) Hey again, Forgive my last post, it was so badly written. I think that it was very late when I wrote it. I can relate to you Byren but recovery is not a linear process. Similar to any recovering addict, there might be days where you are feeling like crap and others where you feel good. With time and the proper mindset, you will get out of this. I know things will never work out with my ex, she was weak and had no ambitions in life. I deserve much better than that. Yet I still think about her all the time. Being friends with her would just confuse me even more. We could possibly even attempt to get back together. That's why I say that you need to forget about being friends with her (At least for the next... X years). It will end up badly, I can assure you of that. Don't sacrifice your future happiness for short term gains. You absolutely need to put everything behind to heal. Everyone heals at a different pace but you don't want this to drag on for too long. Life is too short to dwell of the past. I am also fighting the same fight, whenever I feel like she is taking over. I take it out on the barbell at the gym or on the court. Edited March 28, 2012 by flyman 1
Author Byren Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Good call on exercise to help with the stress. I started running after the breakup initially but I've got a problem with my knee at the moment so I've been taking the idiot's option and drinking/smoking instead... This will stop though, its just an initial phase I feel I need to get through. On the topic of focussing on other goals, my work is opening up a new office in Canada in a few months and moving a bunch of us over there (we're currently in the UK), I'd quite like to give life out there a go so this could be my chance to sever my attachment to her once and for all. Makes me sad to be leaving her and my other friends so far behind but that's just a side effect of relocation. On a similar note, I've been thinking about the 'its too hard...' Comment she made and I reckon it could be to do with the fact that it would be too hard to have a relationship over that kind of distance. I obviously know this and yet I still went in for a kiss. Very clever :/ 1
flyman Posted March 29, 2012 Posted March 29, 2012 It's alright to drink and to get wasted. We all need to at some point. When you'll have enough of it, you will find new ways to cope. I know that the tape about what she said is playing countless times in your head, it will play for a while. It is okay to feel like crap, we are only human after all. You can't control those things. I know for sure that once you break through that phase, you will come back a much stronger and better person. If you can throw in six-pack abs, then why not! Here's some stuff I used to re-read whenever I felt like crap: Why Getting Dumped Could Be The Best Thing That 1
Author Byren Posted March 29, 2012 Author Posted March 29, 2012 Thank you so much for that link flyman, its a very inspirational page! It hits all the right points, things that I'd learned about myself already, but reading that article it has supplied me with a renewed drive to better myself once again! Thank you
flyman Posted March 30, 2012 Posted March 30, 2012 (edited) No problem! We're all here to support each other aren't we. I've read this article about a while ago when my ex and I broke up. Just a few weeks ago, I read it again and I could not believe the points they mention. Here's an example of how I was able to relate it. I used to work out and train as an automatic response after the break up. Even if I dumped her, I was still very angry. As time passed by, this way of coping became a new awesome lifestyle. It took time, it didn't happen overnight. However nowadays, I train for my sport in a competitive club 3 times a week + the weight training to improve my court play. I have also changed my diet completely. That's just the "athletic" changes since the breakup. Do I need to say that I now VERY grateful for this wake up call? (I think about her now and then but mehhhh). your move Byren . Edited March 30, 2012 by flyman
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