Ruby Slippers Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 The point was that he was offering a gift with strings attached... I rarely get the opportunity to brag about my crummy parents, but one thing I will give them is that the few times they have given me something, they have never tried to control what I did with it. It was mine to do with what I wanted. And I have never and will never give a gift with strings attached. "Strings" make it NOT a gift, but a deal. 1
xxoo Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Never said he owed me anything. Point being, as with another poster, is an example of using money to control and manipulate your kids. He offered to pay for my ticket to go to Europe with some friends. When he found out my boyfriend was planning to go, he took back his offer. My bf was paying for himself. No skin off his a**. How was he manipulating you? He was willing to pay for one kind of experience (traveling Europe with friends), but not another (traveling Europe with your bf). I can see his point. 1
setsenia Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I rarely get the opportunity to brag about my crummy parents, but one thing I will give them is that the few times they have given me something, they have never tried to control what I did with it. It was mine to do with what I wanted. And I have never and will never give a gift with strings attached. "Strings" make it NOT a gift, but a deal. Exactly! This was supposed to be my high school graduation "present". Not only did I not get the "present", I got a bracelet instead and a combined graduation, birthday and my brother's birthday dinner.
setsenia Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 How was he manipulating you? He was willing to pay for one kind of experience (traveling Europe with friends), but not another (traveling Europe with your bf). I can see his point. I never asked him to pay for my bf's fare. Paying for me was supposed to be a graduation "present". Presents don't come with strings attached. Why does it matter who I go with? 1
xxoo Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I never asked him to pay for my bf's fare. Paying for me was supposed to be a graduation "present". Presents don't come with strings attached. Why does it matter who I go with? A trip with a bf is different from a trip with friends. That's not the experience he agreed to fund. 1
hotgurl Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 lol yeah this is what we did the last time they brought us there (for xmas and new years eve). that is why there is that condition. She is shelling out this money for a family vacation. The least you can do is eat most dinners with them. how ungrateful. 1
WhyWontYouBe Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 I rarely get the opportunity to brag about my crummy parents, but one thing I will give them is that the few times they have given me something, they have never tried to control what I did with it. It was mine to do with what I wanted. And I have never and will never give a gift with strings attached. "Strings" make it NOT a gift, but a deal. You haven't got kids, right? Don't answer, kinda obvious.
setsenia Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 (edited) A trip with a bf is different from a trip with friends. That's not the experience he agreed to fund. My friends had their trip with their parents fully booked separately. The trip wasn't planned for me to tag along with them. Sure, I might see them on the tours, but other than that, they had a separate package for their family. It's not like the trip was planned for me and friends only. If that was the case, it would be different. But they already planned and booked this trip before my dad suggested I tag along with them. My friends said it was fine if I book the same trip, but they already had a pre-arranged family vacation that my dad suggested I jump into. It's not like it would have only been the 3 of us having fun together and sharing a room. I would have been 100% on my own outside of the tours. A trip where I'm by myself most of the time wouldn't have been a fun experience. Edited March 27, 2012 by setsenia
pteromom Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Wow. Not only would this be an amazing vacation at no cost, but honestly they sound like very nice people. Here's what I get reading this. You aren't comfortable with cute "family" stuff, so you try to keep your boyfriend doing other things, away from his family. His family sees this, and are trying to include you, so they can spend time with their son. They know that you are hot and likely good in the sack (LOL) so MONEY is the only thing they can offer to try to keep their son close to them. I'd probably use it to manipulate too, rather than lose my son and never see him. I am sure they are scared that he'll end up marrying you, and they will only see him on holidays for a couple hours at a time, since you can only handle them in small doses. Look at the bright side here. Your boyfriend has a good family. They are happy cheesy people, maybe, but there is no abuse or drugs or arguments or dysfunction. You could do a lot worse than to let them into your life, even if you have to watch Shrek or play a board game or two. If you want a future with your boyfriend, and if you want happiness and peace and probably a very good inheritance in your future, GO on the vacation. Be grateful and have an open mind about having FUN. When you are playing a board game, LAUGH and joke around with them. Take time to do a little shopping with your possible future mother-in-law. Spend actual time BONDING with them. This doesn't have to be torture or anguish, and it is ok to let yourself be happy and cheesy - we all have that side to us, so just let it out. You will have time at night to go out with your boyfriend and have some party-fun. You will have time to go off for walks on the beach or whatever. But even when you are with them, you can have fun. And if they complain about health issues or parking tickets, smile and nod. Really, it isn't that big of a thing to deal with, unless you turn it into a big deal. Practice just breathing and letting things go. I think you are looking at this with completely the wrong attitude. That is - IF you want a future with your boyfriend. You have a great opportunity here to have a beautiful life, and probably the best, most spoiling grandparents for your kids ever! With anything you do in life, you can approach it with a negative attitude, or you can approach it as an adventure. Life is an adventure. You can go on this vacation and be open to whatever happens with a happy spirit, or you can be the downer who ruins it for everyone else, while also ruining it for yourself. Go, and have fun! 1
ASG Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 My friends had their trip with their parents fully booked separately. The trip wasn't planned for me to tag along with them. Sure, I might see them on the tours, but other than that, they had a separate package for their family. It's not like the trip was planned for me and friends only. If that was the case, it would be different. But they already planned and booked this trip before my dad suggested I tag along with them. My friends said it was fine if I book the same trip, but they already had a pre-arranged family vacation that my dad suggested I jump into. It's not like it would have only been the 3 of us having fun together and sharing a room. I would have been 100% on my own outside of the tours. A trip where I'm by myself most of the time wouldn't have been a fun experience. Why would you want to go then? As for the OP, I agree with most posters that have said that it is only natural, after you act ungrateful and disappear for days at a time while on a PAID holiday with your in laws, that they "require" you to spend your evenings with them. It would never even CROSS my mind to do that! How old are you??? So go, grin and bear it and you'll find that it won't be EVERY dinner and evening. Just a reasonable amount!
Author bikinibeach Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 You aren't comfortable with cute "family" stuff, so you try to keep your boyfriend doing other things, away from his family. His family sees this, and are trying to include you, so they can spend time with their son. NOPE. He can't stand to be around them for very long, they kicked him out of the house when he was 17 because he no longer wanted to be a Christian fundamentalist. I am sure they are scared that he'll end up marrying you, and they will only see him on holidays for a couple hours at a time, since you can only handle them in small doses. No... actually they are pressuring us to get married because it's the Christian thing to do. ugh. PS I hate religions. and christianity. and getting married is a RELIGIOUS practice. therefore I am entirely uninterested. Their son is the same. Also, we don't want to have kids. Ever. I'm sure you can imagine how they handled the news Really appreciate your advice though Thank you for taking the time. So important to stay positive. They care about him and they care about me. I am very lucky to have a mother in law who REALLY WANTS me to marry her son..lol.
Author bikinibeach Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 I have to disagree. I was with a guy whose family had money, were demanding of our time, and lorded the money over him to try to get what they wanted. And if you gave them an inch, they took a mile. If we saw them twice a week, they bitched that it wasn't three. If we spent 4 hours at their house for dinner, they asked why we were leaving so soon. Eventually, they started complaining because we didn't invite them when we took a weekend trip for ourselves. I never had a chance to invite them to anything because they were always trying to book us weeks in advance. Now, maybe the people the OP is talking about aren't as demanding. But it's ridiculous to suggest that parents like these don't use money as a tool to attempt to control their children. It happens all the time. They are almost exactly like this. My bf's mom will tell him to tell me that she "misses me" if I don't have dinner with them every week. They will also start asking "Does bikinibeach not like us anymore??" And other childlike retardedly immature and annoying questions. They are clingy as hell and emotionally unhealthy. 1
Author bikinibeach Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 I don't disagree, and my best friend went through that exactly in his first marriage. They bought them a house... right next door... mandatory dinner with the "Clingersons" every night. Bought them all kinds of shiny stuffs. It was a living hell until the inevitable divorce. He got to keep some of the shiny in exchange for not seeking alimony lol. But I just don't see that going on here from OP's posts, it could be sure, but don't see it. This is EXACTLY something they would do. They hired him to do light paperwork at their house, and his "shift" ends.....guess.....RIGHT AT DINNERTIME!! He eats dinner with them EVERY WEEKDAY....A GROWN MAN...and they still complain and ask why I am not there. Truth be told, I used to go quite often, it was quite a luxury and I enjoyed, like I said, VERY small amounts of time with them. But then, I changed my diet and started getting annoyed by how they would constantly interrupt me (and each other) and talk about politics and the economy for the last half of dinner while I sit there like a bump on a log.
dasein Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 Oh, well I stand corrected then. This is a very tricky situation, if things keep progressing, it might be wise to make career choices that "unfortunately, we just hate it, but have to move to (2000 miles away) to get the job I/he want. I'm completely torn up about this! We will always come for holidays though!" 2
Author bikinibeach Posted March 27, 2012 Author Posted March 27, 2012 Oh, well I stand corrected then. This is a very tricky situation, if things keep progressing, it might be wise to make career choices that "unfortunately, we just hate it, but have to move to (2000 miles away) to get the job I/he want. I'm completely torn up about this! We will always come for holidays though!" AHAHAHAHA...once again you've hit the nail on the head. We're moving to a different country this year LOL!!!!!
zengirl Posted March 27, 2012 Posted March 27, 2012 As someone who was guilty in the past of taking advantage of a parent funded vacation to run off with my GF and not turn up for days at a time (until we were hungry or wanted money), I tend to sympathize more with the parents in this scenario. lol yeah this is what we did the last time they brought us there (for xmas and new years eve). Under these POVs, I understand the request. But I agree it sounds like a bad situation with his working for them and having very little independence in his daily life. That said, I don't fully blame the parents. If you and your BF are living off of them, essentially, then you're just as much to blame. Especially if y'all have "abused" the privileged of family vacations previously, I can understand the rules, honestly. Normal people would let up, as dasein said. I'm not sure if they would. I don't see anything wrong with accepting money from parents who are happy to give it -- but I see a lot wrong with having no independence. You are asking for the benefits of independence without the responsibilities, essentially. I guess it depends if this is a "gift" or if it's simply a family activity. They may not see it as a gift -- I agree gifts shouldn't come with strings -- but just trying to include you in a family activity that you couldn't otherwise afford.
pteromom Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 NOPE. He can't stand to be around them for very long, they kicked him out of the house when he was 17 because he no longer wanted to be a Christian fundamentalist. No... actually they are pressuring us to get married because it's the Christian thing to do. ugh. PS I hate religions. and christianity. and getting married is a RELIGIOUS practice. therefore I am entirely uninterested. Their son is the same. Also, we don't want to have kids. Ever. I'm sure you can imagine how they handled the news How old are you? I just ask because you may change your mind about kids if you are currently in your early 20s. I know a few women who never wanted kids and never did, but most of us do change our minds. And - marriage is whatever YOU want it to be. If you aren't religious, it doesn't have to be religious or have any kind of religious meaning. It can mean or be whatever YOU want it to be. You are the one who gives it power. Whether or not HE wants to be around them much, I guarantee they want him around them, and I still stick by what I said.
setsenia Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 How old are you? I just ask because you may change your mind about kids if you are currently in your early 20s. I know a few women who never wanted kids and never did, but most of us do change our minds. Definitely true. My dad met his exW when she was 24 and she was adamant she wanted no more kids after having her first at 18 and now at 29, she wants a baby.
CarrieT Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 AHAHAHAHA...once again you've hit the nail on the head. We're moving to a different country this year LOL!!!!! If you are moving to another country, than I think you should suck it up for what might be one last vacation with his family. If you are serious about the guy (i.e., marriage?), his family is part of the baggage that could be part of his life and your best bet is to find the happiest medium you can to appease them.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 AHAHAHAHA...once again you've hit the nail on the head. We're moving to a different country this year LOL!!!!! Excellent. I don't think you have to worry too much. My ex with the controlling, manipulative family was very much under their thumb, but it sounds as though, in spite of the closeness, your boyfriend does have a mind of his own and that healthy separation from them. His attitude is the kicker in the situation, not theirs. 1
Author bikinibeach Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 How old are you? I just ask because you may change your mind about kids if you are currently in your early 20s. I know a few women who never wanted kids and never did, but most of us do change our minds. And - marriage is whatever YOU want it to be. If you aren't religious, it doesn't have to be religious or have any kind of religious meaning. It can mean or be whatever YOU want it to be. You are the one who gives it power. Whether or not HE wants to be around them much, I guarantee they want him around them, and I still stick by what I said. You are right- there is no doubt that they want him around! They want to keep him unhealthily childlike and emotionally dependent on them, just like his other siblings. I am 27. And no, my views won't change. People feel entitled to what they want, when they want it in this society. That includes all of the selfish people having children with wild abandon while our future on this planet seems more uncertain every day. Maybe I will change my mind! That doesn't mean I'll change my decision. I'm not bringing up a child in armageddon lol The planet is already ridiculously overpopulated. And the world is dying because of people doing what they want instead of what is right.
Author bikinibeach Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 Excellent. I don't think you have to worry too much. My ex with the controlling, manipulative family was very much under their thumb, but it sounds as though, in spite of the closeness, your boyfriend does have a mind of his own and that healthy separation from them. His attitude is the kicker in the situation, not theirs. Oh he knows all of this and recognizes all of his parents unhealthy behaviors. He is working on his own project day and night with hopes to make even more money than them and get out from under them. He is the 'black sheep' of the family, with a thinking mind and a curiosity about life unlike his uber religious, childlike drones of a family. He is also not the least bit as materialistic as they are. I'm really lucky to have him
missyme04 Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 Really appreciate your advice though Thank you for taking the time. So important to stay positive. They care about him and they care about me. I am very lucky to have a mother in law who REALLY WANTS me to marry her son..lol. That's good to hear, that he's parents wanted you to be their Daughter in law. It's a good sign. hehe
Feelsgoodman Posted March 28, 2012 Posted March 28, 2012 You are right- there is no doubt that they want him around! They want to keep him unhealthily childlike and emotionally dependent on them, just like his other siblings. I am 27. And no, my views won't change. People feel entitled to what they want, when they want it in this society. That includes all of the selfish people having children with wild abandon while our future on this planet seems more uncertain every day. Maybe I will change my mind! That doesn't mean I'll change my decision. I'm not bringing up a child in armageddon lol The planet is already ridiculously overpopulated. And the world is dying because of people doing what they want instead of what is right. LOL...and what is that? Accepting expensive gifts from people you hate and talk sh*t about behind their backs? Is that your definition of doing "what is right"?
Author bikinibeach Posted March 28, 2012 Author Posted March 28, 2012 LOL...and what is that? Accepting expensive gifts from people you hate and talk sh*t about behind their backs? Is that your definition of doing "what is right"? Dear angry and/or jealous troll, I originally posted asking for help on how to turn her down without hurting her feelings. I don't "hate" anyone and I don't accept gifts from people I do not like. For example, I have fought tooth and nail to pay for my own dinner in the past if I realized the guy I was with had no future with me. I thought the first vacation with them would be fun and then I realized they were just bickering and moaning and watching children's movies most evenings. That was when we bailed.
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