dealing with a narcissist partner

[melenkurion]

Shayla... also I want to know will he do the same to this new girl cause at the moment he is treating he so so so good. The mail he sent her is so full of love and care. What if it was just me that brought that bad side out of him.(he doesn't know I've seen this mailS)

 

It was never you that was bringing out his bad side. He always had it. For the moment, it suits him to hide that side of him.

[freestyle]

Shayla... also I want to know will he do the same to this new girl cause at the moment he is treating he so so so good. The mail he sent her is so full of love and care. What if it was just me that brought that bad side out of him.(he doesn't know I've seen this mailS)

 

 

This is a very common belief that the partners of pwNPD (people with NPD) can fall into.

 

Laying blame on themselves....And a pwNPD prefers it that way.

After all, they are perfect, infallible,above reproach, right??

 

So ANYTHING that goes wrong in the relationship is ALWAYS "the other person's fault.

 

You did NOT bring out the "bad side of him".

Your crime was to start seeing the real person, behind the mask.

That made you a threat to his inflated False Self.

Once you began to see him as less than absolutely perfect, and failed to mirror that back to him, you became 'the enemy'.

 

So , he sought out a new source of admiration, who would reflect back his insatiable need to be viewed as perfect. A new target, essentially.Who's being idealized, merely because she supplies him with the admiration he MUST have.

 

To hook her in, he will "love bomb" her, to secure her interest & loyalty, before she starts to see clearly. That's why it seems like he's treating her so well right now----

 

But it's a temporary state.

 

As soon as she starts to truly know him as well, and see behind the facade, she will also be devalued, and discarded. And---he will convince her it's "all her fault, too...." Essentially gaslighting her into believing that SHE is responsible for everything wrong in the relationship.

 

pwNPD follow this same pattern in their relationships. They idealize, they devalue, and finally discard. (leaving a lot of emotional wreckage in their wake)

[beenburned]

ava,

 

Even if he does not have NPD, he is still a cheater and a liar!

 

Most cheaters even deny the truth when you present them with evidence!

 

Be grateful you found the evidence and know the truth so you can move on in your life!!

[whichwayisup]

well I got the guts yesterday to tell him its over and that I know about the other girl. I went to slept at a friend house. I didn't tell him face to face cause I knew I will just brake down infront of him ... I wrote him a letter. well he sent me a mail saing that there is no one and that if there was he would have told me. He say the only thing he is guilty of is the he has been growing apart from this relationship. He go on saying that i just want to stay in this one job and don' t want to move on with my life. like I almost just want to be stuck in one place..... and he will move out by the end of the weekend. I feel now so lost and I'm thinking it was a mistake I gave him the letter. But I saw emails between him and her and I know he told her he loves her and I know they slept together. I feel floored at the moment???

 

He isn't doing much to fight for the relationship...That's a sign too.

 

Don't regret giving him the letter. You know what's what now and as painful as it is and you're hurting, your life WILL get better. This man treated you poorly and after 13 years, he cheats/lies about it even though the evidence is there just shows you who he is and how much better you deserve.

[whichwayisup]

do you think I should say bye or just let him go. I know he will treat me cold. but I feel after that long time together it would be good manners. I'm so confused

 

He's going to be a jerk and you don't need to deal with that attitude, it'll hurt and make you feel worse. Any contact should be made through email or phone calls if need be (house stuff, giving you the key back etc..)

He isn't worth fighting for!

 

Shayla... also I want to know will he do the same to this new girl cause at the moment he is treating he so so so good. The mail he sent her is so full of love and care. What if it was just me that brought that bad side out of him.(he doesn't know I've seen this mailS)

Try not to focus on the new girl and how he is or isn't treating her. Eventually he'll turn on her.

,

No, you didn't bring out the bad side..That's who he is. An ahole

[ava123]

this is the letter he sent me after I gave him a letter saying I knew about her and that I'm deeply hurt.

 

I'll be brief as possible.

 

You clearly have something, an idea, in your head that I'm seeing someone else. If that's the way you want to see it then fine. You're clearly past the point of being reasoned with or talking to - I get that by the fact that I was faced with a letter, so I'll leave you to it. I suppose it's only fair that I return the gesture and write one myself.

 

Truth be told, if I was seeing somebody else in that sense, I would have told you so - I have nothing to reveal.

 

What I will openly say to you though is, that I have been growing distant from this relationship for some time now, and for that I am truly guilty of for not admitting to your earlier. I am sure you have felt it too.

 

Remember this, I was trying to get us back on track from some time now. I am referring to the countless times we have spoken about your carreer and what you want to do in life. Every time something almost seems to materialise, you haven't acted upon it and have remained stagnant in your current way of life. Don't get me wrong - if that's how you want to spend your life, then that's your choice. I have tried to get you moving in terms of a new career path, but nothing has ever happened.

 

How can I ever expect us to build upon something when I have endured the endless stress at my ****hole of a job, trying to progress through it's ranks filled with polital bull**** and back-stabbing. Well I've stuck it out and finally managed to get somewhere, so I'll continue enduring.

 

Now for the logistics. I'll hopefully be moved out of here by the end of the weekend, let me know what you want to keep if you are in a state of mind to discuss this at some point, as I honestly can't be bothered with what stays here. If you can't then I'll just keep what I've accumulated over the years.

 

In closing, these are years that we both won't get back, but I have learned that life is filled with good and bad choices, so I'll deal with it.

 

For what it's worth, I won't be able to forget the times we've shared in life so all the best with yours.

 

 

 

(Feel free to share this letter with whomever you want)

 

 

after reading this I feel he blames me for the relationship not working

[whichwayisup]

Yes he does because he knows you KNOW about the other girl and doesn't want to admit it. His huge ego won't allow himself to admit to you that he had a big helping hand in growing apart. Hello, all he talked about with the growing apart and fixing it was pushing you to get your career going. there was no word or efforts saying that he was trying to reconnect with you, capture what you two shared years ago, that love that made you two move in together.

 

He won't admit there is someone else because he wants this to end quickly and easily with no fallout or drama.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting..Hope you can get a friend to come stay with you for a few days so you're not alone..If that's not possible then go stay with a friend or family member.

[KathyM]

I hope that this isn't something that can be passed genetically? Because my H has ALL of the traits above.

Nobody really knows what causes a person to have NPD, but I don't believe it's genetic. The theory on this is, from mental health professionals, that people who have this were abused or mistreated as children, and the disorder actually stems from a deep sense of insecurity that they are trying to make up for. The concensus is that personality disorders are usually caused by poor parenting/upbringing. A lot of people on this thread have described men who were abusive as being NPD. They most likely were abused as children, either emotionally or physically. While some disorders may be genetic, like Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia, personality disorders are usually the result of environment (poor parenting). Some in the mental health field also believe NPD may be caused when a parent uses his child and forces him to excell in order for the parent to get his self esteem through his child. Some think it was because the child was pampered too much. I don't believe it's genetic. More likely from upbringing in his childhood.

[Owl]

Personally, I suggest that you forward that letter, with the parts about there not being anyone else important in his life...to his other woman's email address.

 

Then, send his letter with a couple of his emails to the other woman where he confesses all to friends and family. Let him sort that out for a while.

 

When he gets upset, apologize sweetly and tell him that since there was "nothing" going on, you figured he wouldn't mind if you shared that information with everyone else...and go and enjoy your life without him.

 

But that's me. I'm a b****rd sometimes.

[Meaplus3]

To put it simple. A NPD person is all about themself. Nobody else. Its all about them. Excuse.. The laugh. I just know so many of these people. I hope they don't take over our planet. Hehe.

 

Mea:)

[ava123]

i went last night back to the home. Cause I've been staying with a friend. Went to talk to him cause we have to deside who takes what. He talk to me the whole time in english - he can speak my language fluently (his home language is english but since I got to know him he always spoke my language even where he worked and lots of the people he know is not english. he is fluent in both. very fluent. anyway keeps everything in english. why i don't know.

 

I confronted him again about that I think there is somebody els. told him all his close smells like her. (didn't tell him this bit but his underwear was stained everytime he came back the next morning after a night out and he didn't come home)??????? is this normal for a guys underwear to be stained??? sorry I know this must be disgusting sorry! I never checked.. Also he never answered his phone in that time and I couldn't get hold of him at all. Well to get back to my story. He said there is nobody els god can strike him dead right now there is nobody... I was just sitting there and listed to his story. didn't tell him about the mails I have been reading. I'm going to quote some of the stuff that i was reading than you tell me if you think there was someone or not. Cause to me it is very very clear there is someone.

 

ok mails went like this.

 

would you think I'm weird if i tell you i love you - him to her at the very beginning when I first came agross this mail. she answered back no I love u 2.

 

mails go on like ''I miss you loves and kisses''. ''wish u were here.'' I'm on the sofa wish u were next to me so that we can cuddle. this next one fliped me out this was after a night out when he didn't come back again. she wrote him. I'm sitting here smelling of you wish you were back in my bed and we can wakeup together having lazy saterday sex. I'm having serious (his name) dreams at the moment ))))))????? what the F. If this doesn't show that he has someone els than I'm all wrong . I take everything bad I ever said back. But to me this is What The F....!!!!!

 

So tell me do u think I'm wrong. even in one of them se sent him properties to look at flats to rent. this was last week just before the end of the month. cause he gets his pay this weekend. So his been planning this for sometime.

[ava123]

Can someone lie so good. doesn't he feel any guilt??? will he be the same with her as he became with me. or did i just bring that out of him. In his mails to her he is so so nice. he even plays he all sorts of lovesongs. what was I???? just tell me did I miss understood his mails to her?

[Lois]

No ava, you are not wrong. He is doing what narcissists do best; lie and deny. Don't believe a word he says because you have seen the truth with your very own eyes.

[ava123]

but when he told me there is no one he made it sound so true. He said his close smell like perfume cause there is girls going out to and they all are dancing together. That close?????????? i'm wondering

 

question sorry but have to know. do guys just get stains in their undies. and not skid marks sorry know this is discusting...

[setsenia]

hi everyone I just want to know if there are people out there that have dealt with a narcisist partner and how did the relationship go from beginning to d'day. I was reading up on this a bit but I would like to hear from real peoples experience it and how did they brake up with the narcisist?

 

My dad is a narcassist, does that count? And for that reason he'll never find a long lasting relationship....

[freestyle]

He's trying to gaslight you---which means that he's trying to convince YOU that you are "just imagining things".

 

Don't fall for it.

[SandieBeach]

this is the letter he sent me after I gave him a letter saying I knew about her and that I'm deeply hurt.

 

I'll be brief as possible.

 

You clearly have something, an idea, in your head that I'm seeing someone else. If that's the way you want to see it then fine. You're clearly past the point of being reasoned with or talking to - I get that by the fact that I was faced with a letter, so I'll leave you to it. I suppose it's only fair that I return the gesture and write one myself.

 

Truth be told, if I was seeing somebody else in that sense, I would have told you so - I have nothing to reveal.

 

What I will openly say to you though is, that I have been growing distant from this relationship for some time now, and for that I am truly guilty of for not admitting to your earlier. I am sure you have felt it too.

 

Remember this, I was trying to get us back on track from some time now. I am referring to the countless times we have spoken about your carreer and what you want to do in life. Every time something almost seems to materialise, you haven't acted upon it and have remained stagnant in your current way of life. Don't get me wrong - if that's how you want to spend your life, then that's your choice. I have tried to get you moving in terms of a new career path, but nothing has ever happened.

 

How can I ever expect us to build upon something when I have endured the endless stress at my ****hole of a job, trying to progress through it's ranks filled with polital bull**** and back-stabbing. Well I've stuck it out and finally managed to get somewhere, so I'll continue enduring.

 

Now for the logistics. I'll hopefully be moved out of here by the end of the weekend, let me know what you want to keep if you are in a state of mind to discuss this at some point, as I honestly can't be bothered with what stays here. If you can't then I'll just keep what I've accumulated over the years.

 

In closing, these are years that we both won't get back, but I have learned that life is filled with good and bad choices, so I'll deal with it.

 

For what it's worth, I won't be able to forget the times we've shared in life so all the best with yours.

 

(Feel free to share this letter with whomever you want)

 

after reading this I feel he blames me for the relationship not working

 

Ava, he seems to be very well spoken. Definitely manipulative - he is turning it around as if you are the source of your relationship problems. It sounds to me like he is very insecure about himself and feels like he hasn't gotten as high in his career as he should. It also seems like he resents you for your success and is trying to get you to start somewhere new so that he can feel more of a success. I sense serious resentment.

[The Blue Knight]

My husband...oh wow, he is a classic narcissist.

 

A very handsome, charming, intelligent man, he can convince you of anything he wants. He was my first love when I was a teenager and I admired his grasp of economics, world issues, his mind. When I married him, I believed that we would be partners and build a fortune together. We both were business people and seemed to share the same values with regards to family.

 

I discovered 10 days after the wedding that a man I'd known for over 15 years had a hidden side to him. Any disagreement from me translated into me not believing in him, me not supporting him as a proper wife should and eventually into me being the most likely way his enemies would get to him. The person he loved most, according to him, was the weakest link. I wish I'd taken him seriously at that point. I thought it was weird but brushed the behaviour aside.

 

We disagreed more and more because he felt he was on his way to achieve a huge dream - would make us, our kids and future generations of our family rich. He sank more money and time into it while my income was used to run our home. He declared older and richer men his enemies and got into a war of words with them often. This was embarrassing to me personally since I knew most of them and they were friends of my parents. He became paranoid thinking that X was out to get him, Y was plotting his downfall and Z had paid off people to stop his grandiose projects. I eventually started telling him I thought he was psychotic...and I really did. There were two men living in my home. One was a normal person and the other was a psycho.

 

Then there were the As. When discovered he acted like it wasn't a big deal. He comes home to me every night so what's the problem? I only got through to him when I told him that his sons would grow up to be like him, wasting time with women instead of using their energy constructively. I explained that if I divorced him then our dreams to be wealthy would come to nothing all because he was sleeping around. He didn't want to be seen as a failure by his peers and very seriously stopped cheating.

 

Eventually it's the violence that ended the M. My love for him at that point was gone but I'd stayed for the sake of the kids. The last episode of violence convinced me that not only did my H have a mental problem, he was likely to kill me if I stayed. It was the things he said to me while being violent. The gist was that he was too good for me, too good for everybody actually. No one understood him just like they never understood Einstein, Da Vinci, Copernicus and other geniuses. I was incapable of loving him properly and he was determined to teach me how even if it killed me. Talk about narcissism!

 

Today he denies ever hitting me, ever doing the various terrible things he did. He claims it's all in my head and that I'm a drama queen. He still declares the most accomplished men we know his arch enemies. Slowly people are beginning to believe my side of the story. At first only my family and friends did while he spread vicious rumors about how I cheated and he threw me out. Those who don't know him still fall under his spell. Being married to me legally works wonders for him because of the kind of family I'm from. So he won't give me a D. To make matters worse now, one of his grandiose projects is coming to fruition...and he shall not only be a major asshat but a rich one too. I'm so glad I left... It was only after leaving and trying to understand what had happened to this man that I discovered that he has a form of BPD and is a narcissist. The experience was horrible and it ended very badly.

You're an incredible woman nemo. I have a whole new level of respect for you.

[The Blue Knight]

Does a narcissist start a relationship with someone new while still living with his partner?

Narcissist require a form of worship, so yes, they often need "layers" of people that they can fall back on if someone falters (in their mind) as a friend or a lover.

[The Blue Knight]

Do they cheat? Yes they do and they are the best liars in the world. I think it's because they actually believe whatever they are saying and see everybody else as a pawn in a game.

 

There are many narcissists in our society. They actually share a number of similar traits with those who suffer from antisocial personality disorder (sociopathic personalities). I'm not so sure some of you posting here weren't actually in relationships with those suffering from APD which the last time I looked affected about 1 in 100 people. Narcissist do feel, whereas those suffering APD have no capacity to feel or empathize.

 

Movies and books have led the average person to believe that sociopaths are all homicidal maniacs, but the truth is, they live among us and most are indeed not killers, but they fit like a square in a round hole socially. In my line of work I've met hundreds of sociopaths and narcissists. They are not pleasant people and you don't want to ever enter into a meaningful relationship with them. Sadly, they can be such great liars and manipulators and can be impressionable people . . . that they often draw people to them.

[findingnemo]

Nobody really knows what causes a person to have NPD, but I don't believe it's genetic. The theory on this is, from mental health professionals, that people who have this were abused or mistreated as children, and the disorder actually stems from a deep sense of insecurity that they are trying to make up for. The concensus is that personality disorders are usually caused by poor parenting/upbringing. A lot of people on this thread have described men who were abusive as being NPD. They most likely were abused as children, either emotionally or physically. While some disorders may be genetic, like Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia, personality disorders are usually the result of environment (poor parenting). Some in the mental health field also believe NPD may be caused when a parent uses his child and forces him to excell in order for the parent to get his self esteem through his child. Some think it was because the child was pampered too much. I don't believe it's genetic. More likely from upbringing in his childhood.

 

Thank you. From what I've read, it isn't genetic. It can be taught behavior if a kid grows up with a prentice who acts like that and the kid thinks it's normal.

[findingnemo]

You're an incredible woman nemo. I have a whole new level of respect for you.

 

Thank you, TBK. The incredible thing was getting out with an intact self-esteem.

[findingnemo]

There are many narcissists in our society. They actually share a number of similar traits with those who suffer from antisocial personality disorder (sociopathic personalities). I'm not so sure some of you posting here weren't actually in relationships with those suffering from APD which the last time I looked affected about 1 in 100 people. Narcissist do feel, whereas those suffering APD have no capacity to feel or empathize.

 

Movies and books have led the average person to believe that sociopaths are all homicidal maniacs, but the truth is, they live among us and most are indeed not killers, but they fit like a square in a round hole socially. In my line of work I've met hundreds of sociopaths and narcissists. They are not pleasant people and you don't want to ever enter into a meaningful relationship with them. Sadly, they can be such great liars and manipulators and can be impressionable people . . . that they often draw people to them.

 

1 in 100 people? Gosh, that's a lot of them. I was responding to a post here yesterday but it turned out a bit too difficult for me to finish. The gist was that I've now learned how important it is to understand people on a psychological level. The signs are always there...just look at how they treat other people especially loved ones and you'll know what to expect. I feel like I wasn't really aware of hidden dangers such as NPD, etc. Had I known, I'd have sussed my H out a long time ago.

 

Ava, how are things going?

[The Blue Knight]

this relationship with her has been going on for 5 months and I even found mails she sent him where they are looking for a flat to rent. He is so nice to her and he are so cold with me at home. I'm starting to think today I never should have given him the letter but I just couldn't live a day longer that he is sleeping with someone els. After 13years together....???

Ava, I'm sure you've figured this out by now, but oftentimes this is the classic tactic used. The narcissist (and other personality disorders) will turn the tables and make you feel like the one who screwed up. This is part of the cycle of mistreatment. Treat you crappy, then say he'll make up for it when you finally act like you've had your fill, then go back to treating you crappy, and the whole thing continues like a viscous carnival ride that you can never step off of. Don't let him guilt you into rethinking this is about you. It's part of the manipulation that they are very good at.

[The Blue Knight]

this is the letter he sent me after I gave him a letter saying I knew about her and that I'm deeply hurt.

 

I'll be brief as possible.

 

You clearly have something, an idea, in your head that I'm seeing someone else. If that's the way you want to see it then fine. You're clearly past the point of being reasoned with or talking to - I get that by the fact that I was faced with a letter, so I'll leave you to it. I suppose it's only fair that I return the gesture and write one myself.

 

Truth be told, if I was seeing somebody else in that sense, I would have told you so - I have nothing to reveal.

 

What I will openly say to you though is, that I have been growing distant from this relationship for some time now, and for that I am truly guilty of for not admitting to your earlier. I am sure you have felt it too.

 

Remember this, I was trying to get us back on track from some time now. I am referring to the countless times we have spoken about your carreer and what you want to do in life. Every time something almost seems to materialise, you haven't acted upon it and have remained stagnant in your current way of life. Don't get me wrong - if that's how you want to spend your life, then that's your choice. I have tried to get you moving in terms of a new career path, but nothing has ever happened.

 

How can I ever expect us to build upon something when I have endured the endless stress at my ****hole of a job, trying to progress through it's ranks filled with polital bull**** and back-stabbing. Well I've stuck it out and finally managed to get somewhere, so I'll continue enduring.

 

Now for the logistics. I'll hopefully be moved out of here by the end of the weekend, let me know what you want to keep if you are in a state of mind to discuss this at some point, as I honestly can't be bothered with what stays here. If you can't then I'll just keep what I've accumulated over the years.

 

In closing, these are years that we both won't get back, but I have learned that life is filled with good and bad choices, so I'll deal with it.

 

For what it's worth, I won't be able to forget the times we've shared in life so all the best with yours.

 

(Feel free to share this letter with whomever you want)

 

after reading this I feel he blames me for the relationship not working

 

Key components of the letter.

 

You have it all in your head that he's seeing someone. He never denies it or even addresses it head on. Then he goes on to say "if that's the way you want to see it then fine" which is a way of skirting around the fact that he's guilty. Individuals accused of infidelity who were innocent would never respond any other way than "are you crazy???" No, this isn't in your head. He's been seeing someone else.

 

Then, he goes on to see that "I was trying to get us back on track" which I assumed was going to continue talking about all the things HE'S DONE to reach out to you romantically, but he doesn't add the things that he did to better the relationship. Instead, it's about your career! That's not how you "get us back on track." He strikes me as materialistic and in need of you to make more income, but he won't come right out and say that.

 

Nowhere does he indicate that he loves you and nowhere does he pour out any emotional feelings for you except "I won't be able to forget those times we've shared in life." How sentimental!!!

 

What he's doing with this letter is hedging his bet Ava. He doesn't want to completely burn down the relationship because he's going to want a backup plan if things don't work out with this other woman. So he's looking like the bigger man by just "stepping down" and leaving you to believe you're giving up a great guy and that you're hallucinating the "other woman." Rather pathetic.